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ninoexchange2016-06-25 07:51 am
nino-mod.livejournal.com) wrote in ninoexchange2016-06-25 07:51 am
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gomushroom (6/6)
For: gomushroom
From:64907
Part 5
The viceroy is perhaps one of those people in the universe that Nino immediately dislikes on first meeting. He is positive that his opinion of the man won’t change, given that every word that comes out of the viceroy’s mouth is full of conceit and doubt. For an ally, the viceroy exhibits behavior that is anything but. He questions even the design of the space station, insisting that had it been Jun who had to visit Eos, his accommodations would be incomparable.
Despite Jun’s claims regarding his acting, he manages a sheepish, convincing smile every time a barely concealed insult is hurled at the Union. Nino is impressed more than ever, because Jun is one of the most honest people he knows. But Jun’s responsibilities come before anything else, something he shows with his patient and humble demeanor despite the viceroy taking jabs at Jun’s youth and assumed inexperience once in a while.
It is Sho who fumes at every slight, but he doesn’t do anything other than glare when the viceroy is preoccupied.
The viceroy continues to rattle on about the Union’s incapabilities, highlighting how important Eos is in times of war and why the Union should be more amenable to any future requests the planet might have. He tells parables from Eos to hide his utter disagreement for the Union’s views regarding preservation of life, and Nino spends a few minutes trying not to roll his eyes.
“Truth be told, Ambassador,” the viceroy says, using Jun’s title casually like it means nothing, “I’m surprised the Union still wishes for peace despite the looming threat we face. Have we not had enough conferences about the merits of refining our joined forces?”
“As much as possible, the Union would like to not resort to violence. If war can be prevented, we try our best to work towards that. You would forgive us for the idealism and wish for peace. Earth has seen too many wars even before the discovery of hyperspace. A repeat of it on the intergalactic level is one we want to avoid if we can,” Jun explains. He doesn’t smile, but he keeps his expression neutral.
“It’s quite interesting to hear that coming from you, Ambassador, given the company you keep,” the viceroy says, something that catches them off-guard.
Nino sees Sho freeze at those words. The viceroy is looking right at Sho, and Jun has to clear his throat to get the man’s attention back to him.
“I have no idea what you could mean, viceroy, given that I don’t dwell on the past,” Jun says defensively, jaw clenched.
“Oh? But it is strange to me,” the viceroy says, rising from his seat to pace around the private meeting room, “that someone who has seen so much war and injustice as a child ought to be stuck in a peace envoy.” He looks straight at Sho and addresses him this time. “You are a Sakurai, yes?”
“I am, “ Sho says. To his credit, his voice doesn’t falter, but Nino can see how he grounds himself, hands tightly fisted behind his back so the viceroy can’t see them.
“And your family has friends who turned out to be chancellors, viceroys like myself, rulers, ambassadors, even governors. Most of which, I’ve noticed, are in favor of war. And those who are not don’t exactly have clean records themselves.” The viceroy is lingering in front of a contemporary mural on the wall.
Nino doesn’t know a thing about Sho’s family because it’s a sore subject. Whenever Nino opened up about his, Sho never reciprocated, instead apologized for never being able to tell Nino a thing. Sho told him his only remaining tie to his family is his surname, nothing more. That he doesn’t consider himself one of them on most days. Nino never pried, but to see Sho so uncomfortable is making him angry.
“Viceroy, pardon my inability to comprehend the meaning of this, but I hardly think this is relevant to the topic at hand,” Jun says firmly, but the viceroy pays him no mind. Nino can see Jun wanting to do something, but he seems at a loss for what to say.
“How is it that a Sakurai like you ended up so far from Earth? Is that the Union’s way of showing forgiveness for ineptitude?” the viceroy asks, and Nino wants to hit him. He balls his hands into fists at his sides, reining in his temper so as not to embarrass Jun.
“My father’s actions are his own, just as mine remain mine,” Sho says, as calmly as he can manage. He doesn’t break his eye contact with the viceroy, who smirks at his answer.
“Yes, the spawn is never responsible for the misdeeds of the father,” the viceroy agrees, continuing with his pacing. “That’s how you escaped the blame, yes? When the Union found out who refused to lend a hand after the rather unfortunate circumstances that Nyx VII suffered, the punishment was never extended to the immediate family, only to those who were partly responsible. The Union’s form of justice seems particularly one-sided to me.”
“What,” Nino whispers, not understanding a thing.
Jun abruptly rises from his seat, slamming both palms flat on the table’s surface with force. “That is quite enough, viceroy. If you have no more pressing concerns, I call this meeting adjourned.”
“You know the old Terran saying, Ambassador. Keep your friends close and enemies closer. I think I understand more now.” The viceroy makes his way to the door, bowing so low it’s as if he never instigated anything. “Until we meet again.”
He departs the room after that, but Nino can’t focus on it. The man’s words ring in his ears, and he faces Sho slowly.
“Tell me what he was talking about,” he says carefully, slowly, his anger rising gradually.
“Nino,” Jun says as a warning, but Nino shakes his head fiercely.
“Tell me, Sho-chan. What did he mean by that?”
“Now is not the time,” Jun says, hand closing around Nino’s elbow.
Nino turns to him. “Did you know?” Then he laughs. “Of course you knew.”
Sho faces Jun and bows deeply. “Ambassador, I apologize for my selfishness, but if you could give us a moment, I would be most grateful.”
Jun searches Nino’s eyes, and Nino makes sure every bit of his suppressed rage is present on them. “There are cameras,” Jun says as reminder, his grip on Nino slacking. “None of which I have control over. As far as I am aware the cameras won’t pick up what you will speak of. I only ask that you don’t get violent.”
Sho is yet to rise from his bow. “I thank you.”
Jun leaves then, doors swooshing shut behind him, and Sho straightens.
“Explain that to me,” Nino says, crossing his arms over his chest to prevent himself from doing something he will regret. “And don’t leave anything out. What did he mean by this refusal to lend a hand to Nyx VII?”
Nino has never seen Sho look so defeated. “My father was friends with your governor, one of the people who voted for him to be the governor of Nyx VII in the first place.”
“And? How is that related to the rescue?” Nino asks, fearing the answer. He can’t look at Sho anymore, hating himself for his cowardice. “That madman of a governor we had never asked for help.”
“But someone else in the colony did,” Sho says, and this is the first time Nino has heard of this. Not even the theses nor the incident reports he read had this.
“Don’t lie to me, Sho-chan. Don’t.”
“I am not.”
Nino stares at him. “How is that possible? They confiscated all our pads and comms before he announced the list of who made the cut and who got to be acquainted with a firing squad. All means of communication were closed off even before the massacre took place.”
Nino should know. He’s been there. He lived it. He’s a survivor of the incident.
Sho shakes his head. “Someone in the colony sent radio frequencies asking for help,” he explains. “And it was decoded by a stray satellite of the Union. At that time, the leadership regarding other off-world settlements was being decided upon. The decoded message was delivered to the hands of those men making the decisions.”
“And your dad was one of those people.”
Sho nods gravely. “They paid it no mind because it was a distress signal via a radio frequency. Nobody uses radio anymore; it’s too obscure. They thought it was all a hoax, a long forgotten prank, and because my father believed in the governor, his friend, he convinced the rest of the board that it was nothing.”
Nino somehow manages a laugh, breathless and hollow. So there was someone to blame other than the governor. All these years there was someone else out there he could have focused his anger on and he never knew until now. “How did I survive?” he asks quietly, feeling so detached from his own words. “If they paid it no mind, how did I survive?”
Then he remembers the same thing he read in all the articles about Nyx VII.
“I survived,” he mutters, answering his own question, “because the families of the colonists began reporting the sudden stop in communication, so the Union decided to check up on us.” He shuts his eyes, exhales in heavy, measured breaths. “Then what? What did your father and the rest of the board do after that?”
“My father was convinced that the governor would never cease communications without reason.”
Nino’s eyes widen in understanding. Suddenly the room feels too cold. “He knew,” Nino says disbelievingly. “Your...father. He knew we were dying. That my friends were being killed. That we were next.”
Sho’s bottom lip is trembling and he won’t look up anymore. “He believed so much in his friend that he tried to cover up for it by buying the governor more time. To make things right, he thought Nyx VII only needed a bit of time.”
“That bit of time cost thousands of lives,” Nino whispers, unable to stop himself from shaking. He can hear it again. The declaration that Nyx VII was experiencing a food shortage, that crops were dying, and that who goes and who stays would be determined through application of eugenics. Survival of the fittest, the governor told them, and elimination of the unfit.
He shuts his eyes, afraid that once he opens them again he’s going to see it all again: the towering flames, the stars that are so far away, obscured by dark clouds formed by smoke, turning piles upon piles of bodies to ash.
He keeps himself upright by gripping the back of the nearest chair. His voice doesn’t sound like his own when he uses it, like he’s watching himself perform on some stage, like he’s not him at all. “Tell me what happened after.”
“You know. Everything that is in the reports, that was it,” Sho answers. He sounds so far away and Nino focuses on breathing in and out. “When the Union saved the remaining colonists, my father lobbied for lifetime imprisonment for the governor.”
“That monster is alive because another one ensured it,” Nino says, snorting in laughter. “How is your dear father now?” He blinks and faces Sho, wondering if his face is the spitting image of the man who chose to protect a person in power over the people who believed in them. “Is this why you don’t want to talk about your family with me? Because I’m bound to figure things out and you thought I couldn’t handle it?”
“I thought you wouldn’t take it well,” Sho admits, eyes on his feet.
“Because I’m not mature enough for it?” Nino spits. Sho grimaces and sets his jaw, eyebrows knit as he shakes his head in denial.
Nino exhales. “What happened to your dad? Don’t tell me he’s in the Union now, because I will find him and demand answers if he is.”
“Once they found out what he did, the Union decided to keep him in permanent isolation. To my knowledge, he remains isolated for life, if he is still alive,” Sho says. He doesn’t sound like he has any sympathy for him. He sounds as if he is talking about a total stranger.
Nino is still breathing hard, clutching at the chair for support. This wasn’t how he expected their last mission to go. He put it all behind him months ago. Why does it keep coming back? Why does it continue to haunt him no matter where he goes? Hasn’t it been enough? The faces chasing after him change but the nature doesn’t. It’s all the same, always reminding him of the nightmare that no kid should have gone through. If this is the price of survival, then was it worth it?
He grits his teeth and starts letting out air between the spaces, shushing lowly. Stop, he wants to say to the voices in his head. Stop tormenting me. Stop following me. Leave me alone.
Remember your colors, he reminds himself. Blue, green, brown. Again. Again.
He hears Sho take a step closer to him and he raises his arm to stop him, fingers outstretched.
“Don’t. Don’t come any closer,” he says, focusing on one spot on the floor.
Sho remains rooted where he is, and Nino wills himself to calm down. It’s all in the past. Jun said it, didn’t he? They don’t dwell on the past. Sho has nothing to do with it. It was his father, not him. The child can’t choose their parents, and no son has to pay for the sins of the father.
“Do you know what angers me?” Nino says, jaw trembling as he struggles to keep his emotions in line. They are all threatening to burst forth, tipping over the edge. All it would take is for him to snap.
Sho has so much regret in his eyes, his shoulders slumped, expression guilty. Nino can’t imagine how he feels because he has no more room to feel anything else. “Nino…”
“What angers me,” Nino continues, ignoring him, “is that you kept this all from me. You knew. From the moment I spoke of it after Zura, you knew I was a survivor of the horror your dad and our shitty governor created together. That’s why you looked at me like that on that day.”
He laughs, unable to believe what he remembers with clarity. “Was it a form of repentance on your part? All we did, all we had, all we shared these past months...was that you trying to make things right for someone like me?”
“No,” Sho denies quickly, shaking his head fiercely. “It has nothing to do with that.”
“Then what was it? Were you trying to save the victim from the things that sometimes kept him up at night?” Nino says. He doesn’t know how he can still smile, but it feels appropriate to do so. He might be sneering but he can’t be sure.
“No!” Sho insists, looking upset now. “I wasn’t using you. How can you think that?”
“With all the things you chose not to tell me, I’m not so certain what to believe anymore,” Nino says, stepping back, putting distance between him and Sho. “Let me help you remember. The way you looked at me when you first learned the truth about me? That was you pitying the victim. But I wasn’t a victim, Sho, I was an example. Something to remind people that monsters only take different faces. And now mine is coming back, in the form of that fucking viceroy who uses truths to taunt, truths which you would have kept for as long as you could, Jun as your loyal accomplice. That’s why he hired me, isn’t it? As a way to help you? To assist in your remorse?”
“I never knew you were a colonist until you disclosed it to me. That wasn’t a lie. The Ambassador’s reasons are his own, but if you think I’ve been lying to you all these months, that’s where you are wrong. Did any of those feel like a lie to you? Like I merely saw you as a tool?” Sho is angry now, staring disbelievingly at him. They never had a fight like this before.
“I have no idea what goes on in your head,” Nino says. “I rarely did, and now I’m sure I don’t really know you that well. Tell me honestly. Did you even have any plans of telling me?”
Sho shuts his eyes. Says his name as if he’s begging, but Nino won’t have any of it. “Answer the question, Sakurai-san,” he says, stressing Sho’s last name.
Sho’s silence lingers and it’s enough of an answer. Nino laughs, not knowing what else to do. He wants to be angry, but he doesn’t know where to direct that rage. Sho stands there, looking vulnerable, and a part of Nino itches to give him a taste of what he’s feeling, but he can remember how being with Sho felt. Real, like he was truly wanted. Like it was a place where he felt secure, where he had an equal who understood him. Was it all some wishful thinking on his part? Him seeing things that weren’t truly there?
Nino is not so sure of anything anymore.
He takes a step back and slowly makes his way to the doors.
He hears Sho call him out, repeated mentions of his name. “Nino. Nino, please. Please.” Sho sounds certain of what Nino is about to do, and Nino can’t help laughing. How is it that Sho knows what he’s going to do when he hasn’t even figured out that part himself?
“You once said you have no control over anything I choose to do and that you’re not going to ask me to stay,” Nino reminds him, looking over his shoulder. “Were you lying?”
“No,” Sho answers. He sounds cornered and exhausted, even helpless. “That was the truth. Still is.”
Nino takes a step and the doors open.
He walks out, not looking back.
--
He finds Jun on the observation deck of the space station, overseeing the repairs of the ship through tall glass panels, hands clasped behind him. He’s the exact mirror of the Sho Nino first met.
He approaches Jun without grace, footsteps loud in the room. Jun’s eyes meet his in the glass, and Nino doesn’t waste time.
“What you said when you hired me,” he says, cutting to the chase, but Jun doesn’t let him finish his question.
“That remains true to this day,” Jun tells him. “I hired you because Nyx VII was in the Delta Quadrant and a year ago I have never been here before. I hired you because when I asked Sho-kun to help me eliminate candidates, you were the most qualified among all those who met my standards.”
“Forgive me for having doubts, Ambassador,” Nino says, choosing to be formal to detach himself from it all, “but given your reputation of looking out for your crew, I may have had cause to believe otherwise due to recent revelations.”
Jun whips his head around to face him, eyes narrowed. “I won’t have you question my decisions. Not when I answered you truthfully. If you think that I employed you because of Sho-kun, then you are doubting not only me but also yourself and your capabilities. I will settle for you questioning yourself, but you will not question me. I know what I did and I know why I did it.”
Nino appreciates Jun’s brutal honesty. He prefers it over Sho’s reluctant one. He walks towards the glass windows and stands just a few paces’ distance from Jun.
“I received it,” Jun tells him when the silence has stretched long enough. “Before you found me. Do you mean it?”
Nino sent a resignation notice to Jun’s data pad before he even went looking for Jun. Whatever he thought he might find in space, it wasn’t this nonstop reminder of what he can’t escape. He’s done. He wants to walk away from all of it completely, from everyone who knows about it. Trying to prove to himself that he can keep on surviving wasn’t one of his brightest ideas. He can admit that now.
“You have my thanks for the offer,” Nino says, pertaining to the permanent position on Jun’s team. But he can’t. He can’t when he remains attached to what’s been holding him down for years. Until he has settled things with himself, there’s no place for him on the Masquerade. “But I will have to decline. And yes, I mean it. But since the mission is not over yet, I will stay until its conclusion.”
Jun sighs, breath fogging the glass for the briefest of moments. “And the return trip? Will you still join us for that?”
Everything in Nino’s quarters on the ship reminds him of Sho. He doesn’t think he can go back there even after the refit is finished and the room is cleaned. He can recall how many sleepless nights he had on that bed just thinking about being in space and in the Delta Quadrant.
“No.” He already made arrangements. “I’ve enlisted myself onto a passenger ship set for Earth. You need not worry about me.” He faces Jun and bows in combined apology and gratitude. “I’ve been in your care for more than a year and I am grateful for the opportunity, the experience. My sincerest apologies for any inconveniences this decision will cause you.”
“I’m not saying I understand,” Jun tells him, and he straightens up again. “But you have your reasons and you think this is the right thing. I may not agree, but the choice is always yours. I can respect that.” Jun inclines his head at him. “I’ve also been under your care. Thank you for your services.”
Nino spends some more minutes watching the ship’s ongoing refit, then he excuses himself and starts heading towards the exit.
“Nino,” Jun says, when he‘s almost at the door.
Nino faces him, already predicting what he has to say.
“Tell him at least,” Jun says, like he’s pleading.
Nino can only shake his head decisively. “I can’t promise that.” He doesn’t even know if he can stand being in the same room as Sho. These numbered days under Jun’s employment will take a toll on him. “I’m sorry. I can’t...I can’t be with him if I’m still like this. It won’t be fair to us both.”
He needs time to settle things with himself, to fix whatever’s broken.
He leaves after that, not waiting for Jun to say anything. His footsteps ring in his ears as he walks aimlessly. The activity around him is drowned out by his own thoughts, and for once, Nino doesn’t silence them. He listens to them and allows them to sink in, even finding that some of them have a point, worth pondering and mulling over.
As a survivor, he knows what to do. He knows how to walk away when it all becomes too much, too suffocating even. Back on the colony he lost friends, adults he believed in, protectors he thought would always be there. People who meant the world to him. He lost his faith in humanity for a moment. And yet he lived through it, all of what was left behind without them or any of those things by his side. He did just fine.
He is simply going to lose people again, not too different from before. He has done it before. He has been through it before. Circumstances keep taking people away from him, forcing him to walk the other direction and tread it alone. Very well then. It’s not up to him to question how these things go. If Jun’s belief that everyone has their own place has an ounce of truth to it, then Nino’s belongs someplace far from them. Somewhere that the ghosts can’t follow, maybe. If he has to cut ties with people who are important to him, so be it.
The subsequent days pass in a blur. The viceroy’s words don’t even register, and Nino has learned to avoid looking at Sho. Sho is a reminder of the things after him. Sho didn’t even trust that he could handle the truth. Nino should be angry at him, but finds himself unable to.
He settles for avoiding Sho completely, toughening himself up, building walls around him. Whenever someone talks to him, his responses are perfunctory, concise, devoid of any opinion. He fulfills his duties as a translator whenever an alien personnel addresses Jun. He performs adequately, treating his work life as his only life, the only thing that matters.
If Jun notices the change, he doesn’t voice it. Nino learns how to avoid looking at him as well. He begins detaching himself from everything he knows. That’s always step one. He knows how to deal with disappointments caused by being attached to things that don’t last.
They never do. All the things that made Nino happy were never meant to stay for long. He knew that, and yet a part of him still hoped. That’s what hurts him the most, he realizes, more than the thought of Sho keeping things from him. He thought that he could keep what he had with Sho, enjoy it to the fullest before he’d have to see it taken away from him.
He should have known better than to expect, than to commit. His life is one set of disappointments after another, something Nino knew from long ago. When he found something good, of course it would end in the same way. Everything did. Everything that was important to him, that he loved, he had to walk away from in order to keep going.
As he walks past halls, past people who are unaware of a thing, past those who may have cared once, he makes up his mind and wills himself to believe it. There is nothing left for him to do.
There are no goodbyes when he finally boards the ship headed for Earth, Jun’s last mission in the Delta Quadrant concluded. Nino didn’t tell anyone about his departure besides Jun because he saw no need to do so. He has an inkling Sho knows what he’s planning, but Nino has skillfully managed to avoid Sho until it’s time for him to go.
He fastens his seatbelt and doesn’t look out the window until the ship is out of the space station. There’s a terse pause before the ship jumps in hyperspace, trails of stars coloring the view outside. Nino can somehow see his own reflection against them, and he doesn’t dare close his eyes for too long. He’s going to be on Earth soon. He doesn’t know what he’ll do once he’s there, but he doesn’t belong on the Masquerade anymore.
Whatever happens now, he tells himself he’ll be just fine.
--
The moment he steps outside the spaceport, he stumbles, but he catches himself in time.
The gravity is different. Not to the point that it feels as if he is suspended in the air, but perceptible in the sense that he feels lighter on his feet, like a heavy burden has been lifted off his shoulders.
He wishes for that sensation to transpire into every cell in his body, so that there is enough for it to feel real.
The trip back to his sister’s house takes three hours via the express train, but he takes it. Earth hasn’t changed much, he finds out as the train speeds away, cities and landscapes blending together in a myriad of hues. The towering infrastructures soon change to flat expanses of plains—green and lush, brimming with life. When he looks up, the sky is blue.
Blue, green, brown.
The soil is the same color he expected. There are weeds sprouting at the foot of the gate when he pushes it open with a tiny creak from the somewhat rusty hinges. A strong gust of wind could’ve pushed it, but he hears footsteps soon enough.
She always knows when it’s him.
“Kazu,” she says, looking at him with wide eyes. They share the same face, only that hers is softer and she lacks the mole that he has on his chin. “You’re back.”
He doesn’t say a word. Just blinks at her while she does the same, and whatever reprimand she must have thought of (perhaps about him not sending word that he was to return), she seems to quell in favor of approaching him, looking up at his face.
“Tell me about it inside,” is all she says, reaching behind him to snap the gate shut.
He follows, smiling at the sandbox he walks past. The gravel seems recently disturbed. There are unfinished domes in various sizes and shapes, some half-eroded, some completely. His niece must have grown a couple inches taller compared to the last time he’s seen her—Christmas, if he recalls correctly.
“They’re not at home,” his sister says as soon as they’re inside and there’s a steaming pot of tea between them. It’s house-brewed as always, bitter and tangy but pure, and to Nino, it’s the scent of home.
“Where are they?” he asks, blowing on his tea and making tiny ripples on the surface. He would’ve wanted to see his niece.
“There’s an engineering fair outside of town where the shipyard is,” his sister explains. “An exhibition of sorts. Nothing fancy, but enough to impress the people on this part of the planet, I guess. They got tickets from old man Takahashi. You remember him?”
Nino manages a small smile. “Balding, as always.”
“He talks about you a lot. Says he’s been looking up Union news about you ever since word got out that you’re a big-time translator for one of the ambassadors. You can imagine how proud the people here are.”
In a town that mostly consists of farmers and shipyard engineers, he supposes his job was extraordinary. He may have spent his youth in the countryside, but he knew he was never going to spend the rest of his life there. It’s why he joined Nyx VII.
He puts down his cup of tea and says nothing. His sister’s expression doesn’t falter—openly curious but not prying. She knows his walls, has seen him erect them. If she’s going to try something, Nino knows she won’t try to make him open up with force.
“Have you eaten?” she asks. Nino couldn’t smell food earlier, and it’s early afternoon. If she made lunch, it would’ve been hours ago.
“I have no appetite,” he admits.
She doesn’t seem surprised, only tilts her head at him. The bun that holds most of her hair back bounces, and Nino sees a small flower adorning her hair. Surrounded by her dark locks, its off-white color draws attention. “When did you return?”
“Three, four hours ago.” He doesn’t truly remember. “Took the train the moment I got back.”
She sighs then reaches out across the table, palm open, in invitation. Nino looks at it, at the rivulets of blue underneath pale skin, climbing up the white of her wrist and intersecting like streets on a map.
He takes her hand in his, the warmth comforting and familiar. The tea’s distinct aroma floods his senses, and his grip on her tightens. He feels her thumb stroking his knuckles in a soothing gesture, and he finally lets out a breath.
“It’s with me,” he says slowly, quietly. In the lack of activity in his hometown, everything seems louder: the chirping of afternoon birds, the rustle of leaves along with the wind, the jingling of the chimes hanging in front of the door. “It’s with me everywhere I go.”
His sister says nothing, but she’s listening. Nino doesn’t have to look at her to be able to tell; they’ve been in this situation before. He hears the clink of china scraping across wood, and he sees her pouring herself more tea.
“Is that why you’re back?” she asks, lifting her own cup to her lips. She doesn’t let go and Nino doesn’t, too, not even when he imitates her and drinks what’s left of his tea.
“It doesn’t matter where I go,” he says. He feels smaller in this house. This isn’t the same house he grew up in, but one that his sister built with her husband. It’s a two-storey farmhouse made of bricks, the bright red of which have faded into light brown over time. “It’s there. It never disappears. I thought if I went back to space it would be fine because space is big enough. Ninety percent still uncharted, can you believe that? I’ve seen so many worlds, and yet there’s still ninety percent unexplored part out there.” He’s rambling now, but she doesn’t mind. “I haven’t even seen all of the ten percent, but it doesn’t matter. It makes no difference.”
“You know,” she says, hiding half of her face with the teacup, “when you left for the colony, I hated you.”
Nino stills. He’s about to pull his hand away but she resists and shakes her head once.
“Listen. I hated you because I thought you were a coward. I knew you didn’t want to be a farmer or a mechanic. I knew you’d try to get out of the countryside as soon as you saw the chance. And you did. And I hated you the moment I knew you were out there, being a farmer or a mechanic in some far-flung chunk in space. You were what, eleven? And you left because kids your age had nothing better to do than make fun of you.”
Nino doesn’t refute her nor does he defend himself. He has no energy to. “I never fit in, you knew that. I never belonged. Not here, not out there, not in the city.”
“I wouldn’t know about ‘out there’ or ‘the city’, seeing as I never left this town,” she says, setting her cup back down on the table. “I knew you had a hard time growing up.”
Nino has heard this before. He hates this, the understanding she projects over the horror of bullying. She was never in the same position; how can she tell? “‘Hard’ doesn’t cut it.”
She lets out a breath, rushed and annoyed. “I’m not pitying you. I’m not being all-knowing here. I know what you went through, but only because you told me about it.” She peers at him, eyes intense and focused. It’s like seeing an older version of himself examining the present one. “Now are you going to tell me or do you need more tea?”
Nino pushes his cup towards her in answer. She straightens, but she keeps holding on to his hand. He doesn’t pull away, selfishly wanting the comfort she can give, even if it’s small and will fade into nothing once he lets go.
She fills his cup again and slides it between them, the contents spilling a little and leaving a wet trail. She doesn’t mind and neither does he. “Kazunari,” she says, and he meets her eyes as he takes a sip, “I won’t pry. If you want to continue drinking my bitter tea all afternoon, be my guest. If you don’t want me to help, that’s okay too. But if you need me to listen, I’m sure I have the time.”
She never calls him Kazunari unless he’s being deliberately obtuse. It’s her way of slapping him on the face and telling him to quit it.
Nino deliberates on what to say. He watches bits of tea leaves swirl inside his cup as he twirls it in his hand, like the patterns they form can bring insight to his future. Tasseography wasn’t something he believed in, but he doesn’t believe in much these days.
“I got married,” is what he decides on in the end. He doesn’t miss the way her eyebrows rise minutely in surprise. She glances at his free hand and Nino waves it, suddenly self-conscious. “No ring. We didn’t get married on Earth.”
“I figured as much, I’ll have you know,” she answers. “And?”
Nino doesn’t know how a laugh manages to escape from him. “And he was the most infuriating, particular, stubborn man on that ship. At first, he never laughed or smiled. He hated me the moment we met. Thought I was there to steal bits of his job—I was, but not in the sense he was thinking. Anyway. We didn’t get along in those first months.”
“Of marriage or on the job?” she asks. There’s a hint of a smile on her lips, but it’s not teasing.
“Both,” Nino admits. “We got hitched on the first mission. Ilari, have you heard of it?”
She nods. “The shipyard has an Ilarian foreman.” Nino remembers that her husband works as a repair technician in the shipyard.
“They married us off as a guarantee of the Union’s sincerity.”
She smiles. “Not the weirdest thing that happened to you, I’d wager, but amusing nonetheless.” Her thumb is now constantly tapping against his knuckles, as if she’s encouraging him. Maybe she is. “And? You wouldn’t be back if things didn’t go well.”
Nino blinks at that. “What?”
Her expression turns softer. “When you came back from Nyx—thin and malnourished but alive, so alive—I stopped hating you. I realized there was no point, that you probably knew that for yourself. I still thought you were a coward for running away, but you weren’t the same person when you came back. You loved Nyx VII. You loved the people on it, the friends you’d made, the life you could’ve had.”
Was he so transparent? It’s why these things haunt him—everything she’s telling him is true. Nyx VII would have been the home he’d wanted had things not turned for the worst.
“And when you came back, I saw just how much. But then it was taken from you. The fulfillment, the happiness—you did send this message that bragged of your good fortune—, the peace. It wasn’t the countryside farming you’d imagined, but out there, you were making a difference, little by little.” She sighs. “But you had to walk away from that to get back on your feet again.”
The memories remain with him though. He can recall how life in Nyx VII was like. Peaceful and normal as any day he’d spent in the countryside, but so different since every plant he nurtured, every rice grain he helped mill, they contributed to a then-possible future. It didn’t lead to a stagnant way of living. It wasn’t routinary. Each action paved the way to the growth of the colony, of their population. He was making a difference. Everything he did had purpose.
Her hold on him shifts, delicate fingers now wrapped around his wrist. He imitates her, finding the steady thrum of her pulse calming.
“Kazu,” she says, and he looks at her, “you only come back when you’ve found something nice and have to walk away from it. ”
He looks away, takes a couple of deep breaths. His tea remains untouched, leaves settling at the bottom, the color of the brew similar to the faded hue of the brick walls that formed this house. The brown in his colors.
“I let it all go. I tried. And for a while it worked,” he says, eyes shut. “It even felt real. But then something happens, like the last time, and just like that, nothing’s the same anymore.” He has to swallow to get the next bits out. “He was, in a way, related to the last days of Nyx. And I got to know of it in the worst way possible.”
“Was it so bad for you that you had to drop it all and go?” she asks, and that makes Nino open his eyes. “I don’t understand, Kazu. I never will, because I wasn’t there on Nyx with you. I’m never going to know exactly how it felt. But you wouldn’t be here if it didn’t feel so real that there’s a part of you that hates how things turned out.”
“He reminded me of things,” Nino says, refusing to say the name. It would just make it more real, that he’s on Earth and the Masquerade is still on its way to the space station above Earth. “And exposed me to things I never knew. It came back all of a sudden, like I was just fresh from being rescued and still couldn’t believe I was alive, that I made it out alive.”
“Do you think you should’ve stayed? Or was your running justified?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
She smiles, small but gentle. “Liar.”
Nino straightens at that. He meets her eyes and finds no judgment there, just her calling him out on his bullshit. “It’s not fair,” he says, like he’s eleven again and he’s crying from a bad dream and she has her arms around him, shushing him and telling him it’s okay. “It’s not fair to him if...if I’m this way.” He breaks eye contact and stares at his tea instead, cold now but still emitting the distinct scent. “I don’t know if what I had with him was real, but it felt like that.”
His voice cracks. “It really felt like that.”
He feels her thumb stroking the bony part of his wrist in circles. “It’s not fair to you either.”
That makes Nino look at his sister, allowing her to see inside him without all the pretenses. His walls never worked too long on her.
“It’s not fair to you both. You’ve realized this, I’m sure. You’re smarter than me, Kazu. Braver too. It’s why you were able to leave the planet. I hated you because I was never going to be a risk-taker like you. At sixteen I interpreted that as cowardice on your part, the fact that you took a shuttle to run away from those bullying you. But as I got older, I realized I’m the one who’s afraid to leave. I hated you because you were able to do that.”
She reaches out and holds both of his hands now. Her wedding ring digs into his skin but he doesn’t take notice, only keeps his hands in hers, afraid that if he lets go, he won’t be able to feel anything anymore. “I would never have the strength to walk away,” she admits, smiling at him. “So the fact that you were able to do that because you knew you had to, you needed to, that’s something. In the end it’s not fair, but who’s to say it won’t change in time?”
Nino laughs a little; he can’t help it. “You think I’d get better? I tried. I moved to the city, and when that wasn’t enough, I ventured into outer space. I gave myself time. I allowed myself to be happy. Nothing worked.”
“I can’t fight your demons for you, Kazu,” she says, and it hits him like a splash of cold water on the face. “No one can. I can’t even tell you what to do. But I know that you know. Somewhere in you, you know. And when you get there, when you’re better, you’re going to know what to do.”
She lets go of one of his hands to reach out, wiping away a tear that streaked his cheek. He didn’t even feel it fall.
“You’ll get there,” she says, and Nino, for the first time in twenty-three years, cries.
--
He finds a teaching job somewhere close to the shipyard. The hum of engines and welding machines is a familiar noise now. Somehow, knowing that vessels that are set to venture into outer space are being made around him is soothing in its own peculiar way.
He doesn’t accept his sister’s offer of living in the spare bedroom, rather, he goes to find a place he can call his own. Smaller than his quarters in the Masquerade, but he fills it with things that help him remember who he is—holorecords of Nyx VII, theses and write-ups about the colony, accounts of survivors that he never bothered to look up before. He doesn’t have the necessary clearances to get to the truth of things since that remains classified information, but the bits he discovers, he holds on to. He’s had enough of running.
He’s trying something different now.
In the mornings, he goes to the nearby language school and teaches twenty-five students about the languages he knows. He hones his Ilarian, Zuran, and takes it upon himself to study Grenus’ native tongue. Elioni, he gives up on. He just can’t do it.
One night, he borrows his brother-in-law’s speeder and searches for a particular establishment.
He impresses the owner with card magic, and she praises him for having quick hands and skills. He comes back every week to show her a new trick, her smile bright and truly amazed every time he pulls out the correct card from the stack.
His weekly visits that made him a regular, turn twice a week in a matter of months. He gets to explore every bit of the place—from the roof, the walls, the thrusters that keep it afloat in the midst of such a busy complex, the kind smile the owner has for him every time she sees it’s him.
The years burn.
--
From up here, the world looks as he remembered the last time.
That’s the first thing he notices. Earth is one planet in the vastness of space, a habitable chunk that has a space station floating above it. The king on the chessboard, representing the home of the Union, an organization that strives for peace despite its mistakes.
There is no female officer waiting to guide him this time, but he finds his way. His feet remember where to go, his hands recall what to do. His forefinger presses the 35th floor in the elevator and he watches calmly as the numbers increase one by one, indicating that he’s merely passing by all these floors.
It might be too soon or too late when he hears the tiny ding that indicates that he has reached his destination, but he doesn’t linger on it. He steps out as soon as the doors open to reveal a room that is so vast and sparsely decorated he could probably transform it to a lounge to make use of all the space.
“Are you an applicant, sir?” he hears, and he finds a woman sitting behind a desk that he can’t remember seeing before. This, he thinks, is one of the things that have changed.
“Yes,” he says, showing the tag he printed out back at home as per instructions. “I’m applicant number forty-six.”
The woman nods, handing him a data pad. “Please sign your name for confirmation.”
He does, and he is ushered in a waiting room where six other people are seated in silence. He’s been to job interviews before, but never for this. He thinks he likes the change from last time.
He waits with the rest, keeping his hands folded on his lap as numbers get flashed on the holoscreen, applicants being asked to leave the room and enter the one adjacent to it. He listens to the slow, rhythmic beat of whatever contemporary piece the Union chooses to play on their speakers. Or maybe it’s not the Union responsible for this song. What he hears sounds like it’s right up his future employer’s alley.
Being applicant number forty-six means he is the last one to be interviewed, and he knows that his co-applicants are relieved that they are not the ones in his position. The interviewer must be tired, he hears them say on their way out. They also say that they would hate to be the last one because that means the interview is going to be rushed.
He knows who is behind that door. He doesn’t think that will happen.
When the number 46 finally appears on the holoscreen in front of him, he stands and straightens his clothes, walking towards the interview room in confident strides.
“Have a seat,” the interviewer tells him as soon as the doors slide shut. The man doesn’t look up. He appears to be finalizing applicant number 45’s information.
There is a large window behind the interviewer that is overlooking the stars, and the sight of them is soothing in an inexplicable way.
He smiles and remains standing by the doors. “I respectfully decline.”
The man seated behind the desk snaps his head up immediately, his face in absolute shock. His hands freeze in their movements, fingers hovering awkwardly over a data pad.
“Nino,” Sho breathes, like he can’t believe it.
Nino tilts his head, raising the applicant number tag that he printed out. “Applicant number forty-six,” he reads for Sho, who sits unmoving still. “Whose idea was it to ditch the names? Yours or Jun-kun’s?”
Sho has to take a few seconds to recover and to swallow a lump in his throat before he can get some words out. “The Ambassador wanted to eliminate bias and thought it would be better if we assigned numbers. To be as impersonal as possible and to give the applicants a sense of equality.”
“Eliminate bias,” Nino repeats, taking a few steps closer to the provided chair. “Spoken like a true worker for the Union, I see. But I had to put my name on the application form. Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”
“The Ambassador insisted on handling the assignment of numbers himself. He wanted to be the one to personally review the applicant’s résumés this time. I had no access to them,” Sho explains. The earlier shock has ebbed away, but Sho is still looking at him like he’s not real.
Nino supposes that this is what two years of separation and silence cause.
“So he knew I applied for it and didn’t tell you,” Nino says. “Typical Matsumoto Jun, I’d say.” He takes a seat on the provided chair then, crossing his legs at the knee. “You’re doing the preliminary interviews?”
“Yes,” Sho says and clears his throat, seeming to remember that he’s in the middle of his job.
“Then ask me things you don’t know,” Nino tells him. He hasn’t seen Sho’s face for too long. He finds that he misses it, although Sho did get a few more wrinkles on certain parts of his face. Two years made him age faster than he should have, and perhaps Nino is partly responsible for that. He did leave Sho to do all the work alone.
It takes Sho some moments to compose himself. “How have you been?” he asks in the end, like he’s afraid of overstepping boundaries or has too many questions threatening to spill out of his mouth and can’t decide which to give voice to first.
“Not as old as you,” Nino says with a smile, “but feeling twice as old. Maybe. I’ve been on Earth for a while, teaching languages to people who have the mind to listen. I think some of your applicants were my former students.”
Sho nods, seemingly satisfied with his explanation. Nino thinks he may have missed Sho and the way he looks down when he is embarrassed. His body language remains the same and Nino can read through every movement with accuracy.
“You’re wondering why I’m here,” Nino concludes. And if I want you for you.
“You can’t blame me, not after two years,” Sho retorts weakly.
“Aiba-shi never told you anything?” When he and Aiba had finally met in the Aiba family's floating restaurant, Aiba cried and nearly tackled him to the ground, calling him a ‘selfish bastard who deserves a punch’. Nino protested when Aiba’s threat proved to be empty. He believed he earned it after what he did.
It was through Aiba that Nino found out about the translator post opening.
“You’ve been meeting him?” Sho asks, stunned.
“I’ve met with his mom and dad more times than I can count ever since I went back. Of course I have been meeting him. We used to have beer Tuesdays at the Aiba family establishment. So he didn’t tell you a thing. I’m surprised. I’ll have you know I didn’t ask him to do that.”
“I wouldn’t dare to presume.”
Silence lingers once more, seconds passing by with them merely looking at each other. Sho still in varying states of disbelief and, when Nino searches for it, fear. Like he thinks Nino is simply an apparition and will disappear in moments.
“If you have any questions regarding my qualifications as an applicant,” Nino says, lips twitching to point at the data pad in front of Sho, “I have provided character references in my résumé.”
Sho’s fingers move with deftness, accessing said file, and Nino can’t help grinning when Sho sighs and shakes his head.
“It says here that your first and only character reference is Matsumoto Jun,” Sho tells him, looking close to laughing.
Nino nods. “The only one that matters given the job, I thought.”
“Seems to me you and him already have a candidate in mind.”
“Said candidate believes he is cut for the job. He also believes that this won’t end like the last time, but he understands the concern.”
Sho’s shoulder slump at that, then he looks at Nino with wondering eyes. “I can’t hide anything from you, can I?”
“Not anymore. I did my research, you know. Something I should have done the last time. But better late than never, wouldn’t you agree?” Nino stands, walking to where Sho is. “After all,” he adds, voice dropping to a whisper when he’s close enough, “I’m still married to you.”
He gestures to the data pad again, smiling as Sho powers it back on and scrolls up.
“You didn’t change your status,” Sho says. There’s this lilt of happiness in his voice. Nino assumes he is feeling intensely relieved for reasons unknown. It’s just like him not to check on Nino, perhaps thinking it would be an invasion of Nino’s privacy. Nino wasn’t the only one who kept distance.
“Unless in the past two years you have committed adultery or have become insane, then no.”
Sho looks up at him, sheer disbelief on his face. His brows are furrowed and his mouth is hanging open, and Nino only raises his eyebrow.
“Two years,” Sho whispers incredulously. “Two years and you never—?”
Nino laughs, head thrown back, shoulders shaking. He feels lighter somehow. “Two years and it was just my hand and a bunch of pornographic holofilms on mute. It was lonely.” He shakes his head, still chuckling under his breath. “Kidding aside, no. I never. Because there was no one.”
No one else he can imagine for it to work with. Of the two of them, Sho has the right to be shocked. Sho doesn’t look like he has gotten any action given the work environment that he lives in, which must have been extremely stressful after Nino’s resignation. They both had their ways of coping—Nino with leaving, Sho with working and drowning everything else out.
“On paper I’m here for the translator position,” he says seriously, holding Sho’s gaze in his own. “Other than that, I’m here to see if all of what we had shared will still turn out to be real even after I carelessly tossed it aside. If you let me, I’ll try to do better.”
“It won’t be easy,” Sho says, taking the words out of Nino’s mouth.
“It won’t,” he acknowledges. “But I want to try. I’ve been doing a lot of trying. So if you can bear with that, if you want to, I’ll be happy to try again. I’ll do my best.” He knows his words don’t mean much. Why would they? He left before. Even Nino doesn’t know if he’s not going to leave again. He can never say for sure, and Sho looks like he understands.
“If not,” Nino continues, “that’s fine with me and I completely understand.” It will hurt, but that can go unsaid. Nino purses his lips in uncertainty.
Sho studies his face, as if searching for a hint of rejection or a lie somewhere. He’s having a ‘pinch me’ moment, and if he asks, Nino will gladly oblige just to assure him that this is all happening right now, that he is here and the furthest thing from his mind is to walk away and leave everything behind.
“Just so we’re clear,” Sho says, rising from his seat and moving to stand in front of the windows showing a view of outside, “we still can’t annul it. I don’t think I am insane.”
“I would hate it if you were,” Nino says honestly, standing beside him. When Sho’s fingers brush against his knuckles, Nino threads their fingers together, finding the warmth still so familiar and comforting, like nothing has changed. In his heart, he is thankful that he still has this to go back to even after everything.
“If we’re going to try again,” Sho tells him, eyes fixed on the inky blackness outside, “I think we should open up more. That mostly goes for me, I guess. But if there’s anything you think I should know, tell me. I promise to try doing the same.”
Nino squeezes his hand. “I can work with that.”
Sho doesn’t say anything anymore, and Nino allows it all to wash over him: the feeling of Sho being so close after years apart, the acceptance settling inside him, the unspoken apologies, the overdue forgiveness felt and understood without saying.
He looks out and thinks he can understand what the stars are telling him.
Welcome home.
gomushroomFrom:
64907Part 5
The viceroy is perhaps one of those people in the universe that Nino immediately dislikes on first meeting. He is positive that his opinion of the man won’t change, given that every word that comes out of the viceroy’s mouth is full of conceit and doubt. For an ally, the viceroy exhibits behavior that is anything but. He questions even the design of the space station, insisting that had it been Jun who had to visit Eos, his accommodations would be incomparable.
Despite Jun’s claims regarding his acting, he manages a sheepish, convincing smile every time a barely concealed insult is hurled at the Union. Nino is impressed more than ever, because Jun is one of the most honest people he knows. But Jun’s responsibilities come before anything else, something he shows with his patient and humble demeanor despite the viceroy taking jabs at Jun’s youth and assumed inexperience once in a while.
It is Sho who fumes at every slight, but he doesn’t do anything other than glare when the viceroy is preoccupied.
The viceroy continues to rattle on about the Union’s incapabilities, highlighting how important Eos is in times of war and why the Union should be more amenable to any future requests the planet might have. He tells parables from Eos to hide his utter disagreement for the Union’s views regarding preservation of life, and Nino spends a few minutes trying not to roll his eyes.
“Truth be told, Ambassador,” the viceroy says, using Jun’s title casually like it means nothing, “I’m surprised the Union still wishes for peace despite the looming threat we face. Have we not had enough conferences about the merits of refining our joined forces?”
“As much as possible, the Union would like to not resort to violence. If war can be prevented, we try our best to work towards that. You would forgive us for the idealism and wish for peace. Earth has seen too many wars even before the discovery of hyperspace. A repeat of it on the intergalactic level is one we want to avoid if we can,” Jun explains. He doesn’t smile, but he keeps his expression neutral.
“It’s quite interesting to hear that coming from you, Ambassador, given the company you keep,” the viceroy says, something that catches them off-guard.
Nino sees Sho freeze at those words. The viceroy is looking right at Sho, and Jun has to clear his throat to get the man’s attention back to him.
“I have no idea what you could mean, viceroy, given that I don’t dwell on the past,” Jun says defensively, jaw clenched.
“Oh? But it is strange to me,” the viceroy says, rising from his seat to pace around the private meeting room, “that someone who has seen so much war and injustice as a child ought to be stuck in a peace envoy.” He looks straight at Sho and addresses him this time. “You are a Sakurai, yes?”
“I am, “ Sho says. To his credit, his voice doesn’t falter, but Nino can see how he grounds himself, hands tightly fisted behind his back so the viceroy can’t see them.
“And your family has friends who turned out to be chancellors, viceroys like myself, rulers, ambassadors, even governors. Most of which, I’ve noticed, are in favor of war. And those who are not don’t exactly have clean records themselves.” The viceroy is lingering in front of a contemporary mural on the wall.
Nino doesn’t know a thing about Sho’s family because it’s a sore subject. Whenever Nino opened up about his, Sho never reciprocated, instead apologized for never being able to tell Nino a thing. Sho told him his only remaining tie to his family is his surname, nothing more. That he doesn’t consider himself one of them on most days. Nino never pried, but to see Sho so uncomfortable is making him angry.
“Viceroy, pardon my inability to comprehend the meaning of this, but I hardly think this is relevant to the topic at hand,” Jun says firmly, but the viceroy pays him no mind. Nino can see Jun wanting to do something, but he seems at a loss for what to say.
“How is it that a Sakurai like you ended up so far from Earth? Is that the Union’s way of showing forgiveness for ineptitude?” the viceroy asks, and Nino wants to hit him. He balls his hands into fists at his sides, reining in his temper so as not to embarrass Jun.
“My father’s actions are his own, just as mine remain mine,” Sho says, as calmly as he can manage. He doesn’t break his eye contact with the viceroy, who smirks at his answer.
“Yes, the spawn is never responsible for the misdeeds of the father,” the viceroy agrees, continuing with his pacing. “That’s how you escaped the blame, yes? When the Union found out who refused to lend a hand after the rather unfortunate circumstances that Nyx VII suffered, the punishment was never extended to the immediate family, only to those who were partly responsible. The Union’s form of justice seems particularly one-sided to me.”
“What,” Nino whispers, not understanding a thing.
Jun abruptly rises from his seat, slamming both palms flat on the table’s surface with force. “That is quite enough, viceroy. If you have no more pressing concerns, I call this meeting adjourned.”
“You know the old Terran saying, Ambassador. Keep your friends close and enemies closer. I think I understand more now.” The viceroy makes his way to the door, bowing so low it’s as if he never instigated anything. “Until we meet again.”
He departs the room after that, but Nino can’t focus on it. The man’s words ring in his ears, and he faces Sho slowly.
“Tell me what he was talking about,” he says carefully, slowly, his anger rising gradually.
“Nino,” Jun says as a warning, but Nino shakes his head fiercely.
“Tell me, Sho-chan. What did he mean by that?”
“Now is not the time,” Jun says, hand closing around Nino’s elbow.
Nino turns to him. “Did you know?” Then he laughs. “Of course you knew.”
Sho faces Jun and bows deeply. “Ambassador, I apologize for my selfishness, but if you could give us a moment, I would be most grateful.”
Jun searches Nino’s eyes, and Nino makes sure every bit of his suppressed rage is present on them. “There are cameras,” Jun says as reminder, his grip on Nino slacking. “None of which I have control over. As far as I am aware the cameras won’t pick up what you will speak of. I only ask that you don’t get violent.”
Sho is yet to rise from his bow. “I thank you.”
Jun leaves then, doors swooshing shut behind him, and Sho straightens.
“Explain that to me,” Nino says, crossing his arms over his chest to prevent himself from doing something he will regret. “And don’t leave anything out. What did he mean by this refusal to lend a hand to Nyx VII?”
Nino has never seen Sho look so defeated. “My father was friends with your governor, one of the people who voted for him to be the governor of Nyx VII in the first place.”
“And? How is that related to the rescue?” Nino asks, fearing the answer. He can’t look at Sho anymore, hating himself for his cowardice. “That madman of a governor we had never asked for help.”
“But someone else in the colony did,” Sho says, and this is the first time Nino has heard of this. Not even the theses nor the incident reports he read had this.
“Don’t lie to me, Sho-chan. Don’t.”
“I am not.”
Nino stares at him. “How is that possible? They confiscated all our pads and comms before he announced the list of who made the cut and who got to be acquainted with a firing squad. All means of communication were closed off even before the massacre took place.”
Nino should know. He’s been there. He lived it. He’s a survivor of the incident.
Sho shakes his head. “Someone in the colony sent radio frequencies asking for help,” he explains. “And it was decoded by a stray satellite of the Union. At that time, the leadership regarding other off-world settlements was being decided upon. The decoded message was delivered to the hands of those men making the decisions.”
“And your dad was one of those people.”
Sho nods gravely. “They paid it no mind because it was a distress signal via a radio frequency. Nobody uses radio anymore; it’s too obscure. They thought it was all a hoax, a long forgotten prank, and because my father believed in the governor, his friend, he convinced the rest of the board that it was nothing.”
Nino somehow manages a laugh, breathless and hollow. So there was someone to blame other than the governor. All these years there was someone else out there he could have focused his anger on and he never knew until now. “How did I survive?” he asks quietly, feeling so detached from his own words. “If they paid it no mind, how did I survive?”
Then he remembers the same thing he read in all the articles about Nyx VII.
“I survived,” he mutters, answering his own question, “because the families of the colonists began reporting the sudden stop in communication, so the Union decided to check up on us.” He shuts his eyes, exhales in heavy, measured breaths. “Then what? What did your father and the rest of the board do after that?”
“My father was convinced that the governor would never cease communications without reason.”
Nino’s eyes widen in understanding. Suddenly the room feels too cold. “He knew,” Nino says disbelievingly. “Your...father. He knew we were dying. That my friends were being killed. That we were next.”
Sho’s bottom lip is trembling and he won’t look up anymore. “He believed so much in his friend that he tried to cover up for it by buying the governor more time. To make things right, he thought Nyx VII only needed a bit of time.”
“That bit of time cost thousands of lives,” Nino whispers, unable to stop himself from shaking. He can hear it again. The declaration that Nyx VII was experiencing a food shortage, that crops were dying, and that who goes and who stays would be determined through application of eugenics. Survival of the fittest, the governor told them, and elimination of the unfit.
He shuts his eyes, afraid that once he opens them again he’s going to see it all again: the towering flames, the stars that are so far away, obscured by dark clouds formed by smoke, turning piles upon piles of bodies to ash.
He keeps himself upright by gripping the back of the nearest chair. His voice doesn’t sound like his own when he uses it, like he’s watching himself perform on some stage, like he’s not him at all. “Tell me what happened after.”
“You know. Everything that is in the reports, that was it,” Sho answers. He sounds so far away and Nino focuses on breathing in and out. “When the Union saved the remaining colonists, my father lobbied for lifetime imprisonment for the governor.”
“That monster is alive because another one ensured it,” Nino says, snorting in laughter. “How is your dear father now?” He blinks and faces Sho, wondering if his face is the spitting image of the man who chose to protect a person in power over the people who believed in them. “Is this why you don’t want to talk about your family with me? Because I’m bound to figure things out and you thought I couldn’t handle it?”
“I thought you wouldn’t take it well,” Sho admits, eyes on his feet.
“Because I’m not mature enough for it?” Nino spits. Sho grimaces and sets his jaw, eyebrows knit as he shakes his head in denial.
Nino exhales. “What happened to your dad? Don’t tell me he’s in the Union now, because I will find him and demand answers if he is.”
“Once they found out what he did, the Union decided to keep him in permanent isolation. To my knowledge, he remains isolated for life, if he is still alive,” Sho says. He doesn’t sound like he has any sympathy for him. He sounds as if he is talking about a total stranger.
Nino is still breathing hard, clutching at the chair for support. This wasn’t how he expected their last mission to go. He put it all behind him months ago. Why does it keep coming back? Why does it continue to haunt him no matter where he goes? Hasn’t it been enough? The faces chasing after him change but the nature doesn’t. It’s all the same, always reminding him of the nightmare that no kid should have gone through. If this is the price of survival, then was it worth it?
He grits his teeth and starts letting out air between the spaces, shushing lowly. Stop, he wants to say to the voices in his head. Stop tormenting me. Stop following me. Leave me alone.
Remember your colors, he reminds himself. Blue, green, brown. Again. Again.
He hears Sho take a step closer to him and he raises his arm to stop him, fingers outstretched.
“Don’t. Don’t come any closer,” he says, focusing on one spot on the floor.
Sho remains rooted where he is, and Nino wills himself to calm down. It’s all in the past. Jun said it, didn’t he? They don’t dwell on the past. Sho has nothing to do with it. It was his father, not him. The child can’t choose their parents, and no son has to pay for the sins of the father.
“Do you know what angers me?” Nino says, jaw trembling as he struggles to keep his emotions in line. They are all threatening to burst forth, tipping over the edge. All it would take is for him to snap.
Sho has so much regret in his eyes, his shoulders slumped, expression guilty. Nino can’t imagine how he feels because he has no more room to feel anything else. “Nino…”
“What angers me,” Nino continues, ignoring him, “is that you kept this all from me. You knew. From the moment I spoke of it after Zura, you knew I was a survivor of the horror your dad and our shitty governor created together. That’s why you looked at me like that on that day.”
He laughs, unable to believe what he remembers with clarity. “Was it a form of repentance on your part? All we did, all we had, all we shared these past months...was that you trying to make things right for someone like me?”
“No,” Sho denies quickly, shaking his head fiercely. “It has nothing to do with that.”
“Then what was it? Were you trying to save the victim from the things that sometimes kept him up at night?” Nino says. He doesn’t know how he can still smile, but it feels appropriate to do so. He might be sneering but he can’t be sure.
“No!” Sho insists, looking upset now. “I wasn’t using you. How can you think that?”
“With all the things you chose not to tell me, I’m not so certain what to believe anymore,” Nino says, stepping back, putting distance between him and Sho. “Let me help you remember. The way you looked at me when you first learned the truth about me? That was you pitying the victim. But I wasn’t a victim, Sho, I was an example. Something to remind people that monsters only take different faces. And now mine is coming back, in the form of that fucking viceroy who uses truths to taunt, truths which you would have kept for as long as you could, Jun as your loyal accomplice. That’s why he hired me, isn’t it? As a way to help you? To assist in your remorse?”
“I never knew you were a colonist until you disclosed it to me. That wasn’t a lie. The Ambassador’s reasons are his own, but if you think I’ve been lying to you all these months, that’s where you are wrong. Did any of those feel like a lie to you? Like I merely saw you as a tool?” Sho is angry now, staring disbelievingly at him. They never had a fight like this before.
“I have no idea what goes on in your head,” Nino says. “I rarely did, and now I’m sure I don’t really know you that well. Tell me honestly. Did you even have any plans of telling me?”
Sho shuts his eyes. Says his name as if he’s begging, but Nino won’t have any of it. “Answer the question, Sakurai-san,” he says, stressing Sho’s last name.
Sho’s silence lingers and it’s enough of an answer. Nino laughs, not knowing what else to do. He wants to be angry, but he doesn’t know where to direct that rage. Sho stands there, looking vulnerable, and a part of Nino itches to give him a taste of what he’s feeling, but he can remember how being with Sho felt. Real, like he was truly wanted. Like it was a place where he felt secure, where he had an equal who understood him. Was it all some wishful thinking on his part? Him seeing things that weren’t truly there?
Nino is not so sure of anything anymore.
He takes a step back and slowly makes his way to the doors.
He hears Sho call him out, repeated mentions of his name. “Nino. Nino, please. Please.” Sho sounds certain of what Nino is about to do, and Nino can’t help laughing. How is it that Sho knows what he’s going to do when he hasn’t even figured out that part himself?
“You once said you have no control over anything I choose to do and that you’re not going to ask me to stay,” Nino reminds him, looking over his shoulder. “Were you lying?”
“No,” Sho answers. He sounds cornered and exhausted, even helpless. “That was the truth. Still is.”
Nino takes a step and the doors open.
He walks out, not looking back.
--
He finds Jun on the observation deck of the space station, overseeing the repairs of the ship through tall glass panels, hands clasped behind him. He’s the exact mirror of the Sho Nino first met.
He approaches Jun without grace, footsteps loud in the room. Jun’s eyes meet his in the glass, and Nino doesn’t waste time.
“What you said when you hired me,” he says, cutting to the chase, but Jun doesn’t let him finish his question.
“That remains true to this day,” Jun tells him. “I hired you because Nyx VII was in the Delta Quadrant and a year ago I have never been here before. I hired you because when I asked Sho-kun to help me eliminate candidates, you were the most qualified among all those who met my standards.”
“Forgive me for having doubts, Ambassador,” Nino says, choosing to be formal to detach himself from it all, “but given your reputation of looking out for your crew, I may have had cause to believe otherwise due to recent revelations.”
Jun whips his head around to face him, eyes narrowed. “I won’t have you question my decisions. Not when I answered you truthfully. If you think that I employed you because of Sho-kun, then you are doubting not only me but also yourself and your capabilities. I will settle for you questioning yourself, but you will not question me. I know what I did and I know why I did it.”
Nino appreciates Jun’s brutal honesty. He prefers it over Sho’s reluctant one. He walks towards the glass windows and stands just a few paces’ distance from Jun.
“I received it,” Jun tells him when the silence has stretched long enough. “Before you found me. Do you mean it?”
Nino sent a resignation notice to Jun’s data pad before he even went looking for Jun. Whatever he thought he might find in space, it wasn’t this nonstop reminder of what he can’t escape. He’s done. He wants to walk away from all of it completely, from everyone who knows about it. Trying to prove to himself that he can keep on surviving wasn’t one of his brightest ideas. He can admit that now.
“You have my thanks for the offer,” Nino says, pertaining to the permanent position on Jun’s team. But he can’t. He can’t when he remains attached to what’s been holding him down for years. Until he has settled things with himself, there’s no place for him on the Masquerade. “But I will have to decline. And yes, I mean it. But since the mission is not over yet, I will stay until its conclusion.”
Jun sighs, breath fogging the glass for the briefest of moments. “And the return trip? Will you still join us for that?”
Everything in Nino’s quarters on the ship reminds him of Sho. He doesn’t think he can go back there even after the refit is finished and the room is cleaned. He can recall how many sleepless nights he had on that bed just thinking about being in space and in the Delta Quadrant.
“No.” He already made arrangements. “I’ve enlisted myself onto a passenger ship set for Earth. You need not worry about me.” He faces Jun and bows in combined apology and gratitude. “I’ve been in your care for more than a year and I am grateful for the opportunity, the experience. My sincerest apologies for any inconveniences this decision will cause you.”
“I’m not saying I understand,” Jun tells him, and he straightens up again. “But you have your reasons and you think this is the right thing. I may not agree, but the choice is always yours. I can respect that.” Jun inclines his head at him. “I’ve also been under your care. Thank you for your services.”
Nino spends some more minutes watching the ship’s ongoing refit, then he excuses himself and starts heading towards the exit.
“Nino,” Jun says, when he‘s almost at the door.
Nino faces him, already predicting what he has to say.
“Tell him at least,” Jun says, like he’s pleading.
Nino can only shake his head decisively. “I can’t promise that.” He doesn’t even know if he can stand being in the same room as Sho. These numbered days under Jun’s employment will take a toll on him. “I’m sorry. I can’t...I can’t be with him if I’m still like this. It won’t be fair to us both.”
He needs time to settle things with himself, to fix whatever’s broken.
He leaves after that, not waiting for Jun to say anything. His footsteps ring in his ears as he walks aimlessly. The activity around him is drowned out by his own thoughts, and for once, Nino doesn’t silence them. He listens to them and allows them to sink in, even finding that some of them have a point, worth pondering and mulling over.
As a survivor, he knows what to do. He knows how to walk away when it all becomes too much, too suffocating even. Back on the colony he lost friends, adults he believed in, protectors he thought would always be there. People who meant the world to him. He lost his faith in humanity for a moment. And yet he lived through it, all of what was left behind without them or any of those things by his side. He did just fine.
He is simply going to lose people again, not too different from before. He has done it before. He has been through it before. Circumstances keep taking people away from him, forcing him to walk the other direction and tread it alone. Very well then. It’s not up to him to question how these things go. If Jun’s belief that everyone has their own place has an ounce of truth to it, then Nino’s belongs someplace far from them. Somewhere that the ghosts can’t follow, maybe. If he has to cut ties with people who are important to him, so be it.
The subsequent days pass in a blur. The viceroy’s words don’t even register, and Nino has learned to avoid looking at Sho. Sho is a reminder of the things after him. Sho didn’t even trust that he could handle the truth. Nino should be angry at him, but finds himself unable to.
He settles for avoiding Sho completely, toughening himself up, building walls around him. Whenever someone talks to him, his responses are perfunctory, concise, devoid of any opinion. He fulfills his duties as a translator whenever an alien personnel addresses Jun. He performs adequately, treating his work life as his only life, the only thing that matters.
If Jun notices the change, he doesn’t voice it. Nino learns how to avoid looking at him as well. He begins detaching himself from everything he knows. That’s always step one. He knows how to deal with disappointments caused by being attached to things that don’t last.
They never do. All the things that made Nino happy were never meant to stay for long. He knew that, and yet a part of him still hoped. That’s what hurts him the most, he realizes, more than the thought of Sho keeping things from him. He thought that he could keep what he had with Sho, enjoy it to the fullest before he’d have to see it taken away from him.
He should have known better than to expect, than to commit. His life is one set of disappointments after another, something Nino knew from long ago. When he found something good, of course it would end in the same way. Everything did. Everything that was important to him, that he loved, he had to walk away from in order to keep going.
As he walks past halls, past people who are unaware of a thing, past those who may have cared once, he makes up his mind and wills himself to believe it. There is nothing left for him to do.
There are no goodbyes when he finally boards the ship headed for Earth, Jun’s last mission in the Delta Quadrant concluded. Nino didn’t tell anyone about his departure besides Jun because he saw no need to do so. He has an inkling Sho knows what he’s planning, but Nino has skillfully managed to avoid Sho until it’s time for him to go.
He fastens his seatbelt and doesn’t look out the window until the ship is out of the space station. There’s a terse pause before the ship jumps in hyperspace, trails of stars coloring the view outside. Nino can somehow see his own reflection against them, and he doesn’t dare close his eyes for too long. He’s going to be on Earth soon. He doesn’t know what he’ll do once he’s there, but he doesn’t belong on the Masquerade anymore.
Whatever happens now, he tells himself he’ll be just fine.
--
The moment he steps outside the spaceport, he stumbles, but he catches himself in time.
The gravity is different. Not to the point that it feels as if he is suspended in the air, but perceptible in the sense that he feels lighter on his feet, like a heavy burden has been lifted off his shoulders.
He wishes for that sensation to transpire into every cell in his body, so that there is enough for it to feel real.
The trip back to his sister’s house takes three hours via the express train, but he takes it. Earth hasn’t changed much, he finds out as the train speeds away, cities and landscapes blending together in a myriad of hues. The towering infrastructures soon change to flat expanses of plains—green and lush, brimming with life. When he looks up, the sky is blue.
Blue, green, brown.
The soil is the same color he expected. There are weeds sprouting at the foot of the gate when he pushes it open with a tiny creak from the somewhat rusty hinges. A strong gust of wind could’ve pushed it, but he hears footsteps soon enough.
She always knows when it’s him.
“Kazu,” she says, looking at him with wide eyes. They share the same face, only that hers is softer and she lacks the mole that he has on his chin. “You’re back.”
He doesn’t say a word. Just blinks at her while she does the same, and whatever reprimand she must have thought of (perhaps about him not sending word that he was to return), she seems to quell in favor of approaching him, looking up at his face.
“Tell me about it inside,” is all she says, reaching behind him to snap the gate shut.
He follows, smiling at the sandbox he walks past. The gravel seems recently disturbed. There are unfinished domes in various sizes and shapes, some half-eroded, some completely. His niece must have grown a couple inches taller compared to the last time he’s seen her—Christmas, if he recalls correctly.
“They’re not at home,” his sister says as soon as they’re inside and there’s a steaming pot of tea between them. It’s house-brewed as always, bitter and tangy but pure, and to Nino, it’s the scent of home.
“Where are they?” he asks, blowing on his tea and making tiny ripples on the surface. He would’ve wanted to see his niece.
“There’s an engineering fair outside of town where the shipyard is,” his sister explains. “An exhibition of sorts. Nothing fancy, but enough to impress the people on this part of the planet, I guess. They got tickets from old man Takahashi. You remember him?”
Nino manages a small smile. “Balding, as always.”
“He talks about you a lot. Says he’s been looking up Union news about you ever since word got out that you’re a big-time translator for one of the ambassadors. You can imagine how proud the people here are.”
In a town that mostly consists of farmers and shipyard engineers, he supposes his job was extraordinary. He may have spent his youth in the countryside, but he knew he was never going to spend the rest of his life there. It’s why he joined Nyx VII.
He puts down his cup of tea and says nothing. His sister’s expression doesn’t falter—openly curious but not prying. She knows his walls, has seen him erect them. If she’s going to try something, Nino knows she won’t try to make him open up with force.
“Have you eaten?” she asks. Nino couldn’t smell food earlier, and it’s early afternoon. If she made lunch, it would’ve been hours ago.
“I have no appetite,” he admits.
She doesn’t seem surprised, only tilts her head at him. The bun that holds most of her hair back bounces, and Nino sees a small flower adorning her hair. Surrounded by her dark locks, its off-white color draws attention. “When did you return?”
“Three, four hours ago.” He doesn’t truly remember. “Took the train the moment I got back.”
She sighs then reaches out across the table, palm open, in invitation. Nino looks at it, at the rivulets of blue underneath pale skin, climbing up the white of her wrist and intersecting like streets on a map.
He takes her hand in his, the warmth comforting and familiar. The tea’s distinct aroma floods his senses, and his grip on her tightens. He feels her thumb stroking his knuckles in a soothing gesture, and he finally lets out a breath.
“It’s with me,” he says slowly, quietly. In the lack of activity in his hometown, everything seems louder: the chirping of afternoon birds, the rustle of leaves along with the wind, the jingling of the chimes hanging in front of the door. “It’s with me everywhere I go.”
His sister says nothing, but she’s listening. Nino doesn’t have to look at her to be able to tell; they’ve been in this situation before. He hears the clink of china scraping across wood, and he sees her pouring herself more tea.
“Is that why you’re back?” she asks, lifting her own cup to her lips. She doesn’t let go and Nino doesn’t, too, not even when he imitates her and drinks what’s left of his tea.
“It doesn’t matter where I go,” he says. He feels smaller in this house. This isn’t the same house he grew up in, but one that his sister built with her husband. It’s a two-storey farmhouse made of bricks, the bright red of which have faded into light brown over time. “It’s there. It never disappears. I thought if I went back to space it would be fine because space is big enough. Ninety percent still uncharted, can you believe that? I’ve seen so many worlds, and yet there’s still ninety percent unexplored part out there.” He’s rambling now, but she doesn’t mind. “I haven’t even seen all of the ten percent, but it doesn’t matter. It makes no difference.”
“You know,” she says, hiding half of her face with the teacup, “when you left for the colony, I hated you.”
Nino stills. He’s about to pull his hand away but she resists and shakes her head once.
“Listen. I hated you because I thought you were a coward. I knew you didn’t want to be a farmer or a mechanic. I knew you’d try to get out of the countryside as soon as you saw the chance. And you did. And I hated you the moment I knew you were out there, being a farmer or a mechanic in some far-flung chunk in space. You were what, eleven? And you left because kids your age had nothing better to do than make fun of you.”
Nino doesn’t refute her nor does he defend himself. He has no energy to. “I never fit in, you knew that. I never belonged. Not here, not out there, not in the city.”
“I wouldn’t know about ‘out there’ or ‘the city’, seeing as I never left this town,” she says, setting her cup back down on the table. “I knew you had a hard time growing up.”
Nino has heard this before. He hates this, the understanding she projects over the horror of bullying. She was never in the same position; how can she tell? “‘Hard’ doesn’t cut it.”
She lets out a breath, rushed and annoyed. “I’m not pitying you. I’m not being all-knowing here. I know what you went through, but only because you told me about it.” She peers at him, eyes intense and focused. It’s like seeing an older version of himself examining the present one. “Now are you going to tell me or do you need more tea?”
Nino pushes his cup towards her in answer. She straightens, but she keeps holding on to his hand. He doesn’t pull away, selfishly wanting the comfort she can give, even if it’s small and will fade into nothing once he lets go.
She fills his cup again and slides it between them, the contents spilling a little and leaving a wet trail. She doesn’t mind and neither does he. “Kazunari,” she says, and he meets her eyes as he takes a sip, “I won’t pry. If you want to continue drinking my bitter tea all afternoon, be my guest. If you don’t want me to help, that’s okay too. But if you need me to listen, I’m sure I have the time.”
She never calls him Kazunari unless he’s being deliberately obtuse. It’s her way of slapping him on the face and telling him to quit it.
Nino deliberates on what to say. He watches bits of tea leaves swirl inside his cup as he twirls it in his hand, like the patterns they form can bring insight to his future. Tasseography wasn’t something he believed in, but he doesn’t believe in much these days.
“I got married,” is what he decides on in the end. He doesn’t miss the way her eyebrows rise minutely in surprise. She glances at his free hand and Nino waves it, suddenly self-conscious. “No ring. We didn’t get married on Earth.”
“I figured as much, I’ll have you know,” she answers. “And?”
Nino doesn’t know how a laugh manages to escape from him. “And he was the most infuriating, particular, stubborn man on that ship. At first, he never laughed or smiled. He hated me the moment we met. Thought I was there to steal bits of his job—I was, but not in the sense he was thinking. Anyway. We didn’t get along in those first months.”
“Of marriage or on the job?” she asks. There’s a hint of a smile on her lips, but it’s not teasing.
“Both,” Nino admits. “We got hitched on the first mission. Ilari, have you heard of it?”
She nods. “The shipyard has an Ilarian foreman.” Nino remembers that her husband works as a repair technician in the shipyard.
“They married us off as a guarantee of the Union’s sincerity.”
She smiles. “Not the weirdest thing that happened to you, I’d wager, but amusing nonetheless.” Her thumb is now constantly tapping against his knuckles, as if she’s encouraging him. Maybe she is. “And? You wouldn’t be back if things didn’t go well.”
Nino blinks at that. “What?”
Her expression turns softer. “When you came back from Nyx—thin and malnourished but alive, so alive—I stopped hating you. I realized there was no point, that you probably knew that for yourself. I still thought you were a coward for running away, but you weren’t the same person when you came back. You loved Nyx VII. You loved the people on it, the friends you’d made, the life you could’ve had.”
Was he so transparent? It’s why these things haunt him—everything she’s telling him is true. Nyx VII would have been the home he’d wanted had things not turned for the worst.
“And when you came back, I saw just how much. But then it was taken from you. The fulfillment, the happiness—you did send this message that bragged of your good fortune—, the peace. It wasn’t the countryside farming you’d imagined, but out there, you were making a difference, little by little.” She sighs. “But you had to walk away from that to get back on your feet again.”
The memories remain with him though. He can recall how life in Nyx VII was like. Peaceful and normal as any day he’d spent in the countryside, but so different since every plant he nurtured, every rice grain he helped mill, they contributed to a then-possible future. It didn’t lead to a stagnant way of living. It wasn’t routinary. Each action paved the way to the growth of the colony, of their population. He was making a difference. Everything he did had purpose.
Her hold on him shifts, delicate fingers now wrapped around his wrist. He imitates her, finding the steady thrum of her pulse calming.
“Kazu,” she says, and he looks at her, “you only come back when you’ve found something nice and have to walk away from it. ”
He looks away, takes a couple of deep breaths. His tea remains untouched, leaves settling at the bottom, the color of the brew similar to the faded hue of the brick walls that formed this house. The brown in his colors.
“I let it all go. I tried. And for a while it worked,” he says, eyes shut. “It even felt real. But then something happens, like the last time, and just like that, nothing’s the same anymore.” He has to swallow to get the next bits out. “He was, in a way, related to the last days of Nyx. And I got to know of it in the worst way possible.”
“Was it so bad for you that you had to drop it all and go?” she asks, and that makes Nino open his eyes. “I don’t understand, Kazu. I never will, because I wasn’t there on Nyx with you. I’m never going to know exactly how it felt. But you wouldn’t be here if it didn’t feel so real that there’s a part of you that hates how things turned out.”
“He reminded me of things,” Nino says, refusing to say the name. It would just make it more real, that he’s on Earth and the Masquerade is still on its way to the space station above Earth. “And exposed me to things I never knew. It came back all of a sudden, like I was just fresh from being rescued and still couldn’t believe I was alive, that I made it out alive.”
“Do you think you should’ve stayed? Or was your running justified?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
She smiles, small but gentle. “Liar.”
Nino straightens at that. He meets her eyes and finds no judgment there, just her calling him out on his bullshit. “It’s not fair,” he says, like he’s eleven again and he’s crying from a bad dream and she has her arms around him, shushing him and telling him it’s okay. “It’s not fair to him if...if I’m this way.” He breaks eye contact and stares at his tea instead, cold now but still emitting the distinct scent. “I don’t know if what I had with him was real, but it felt like that.”
His voice cracks. “It really felt like that.”
He feels her thumb stroking the bony part of his wrist in circles. “It’s not fair to you either.”
That makes Nino look at his sister, allowing her to see inside him without all the pretenses. His walls never worked too long on her.
“It’s not fair to you both. You’ve realized this, I’m sure. You’re smarter than me, Kazu. Braver too. It’s why you were able to leave the planet. I hated you because I was never going to be a risk-taker like you. At sixteen I interpreted that as cowardice on your part, the fact that you took a shuttle to run away from those bullying you. But as I got older, I realized I’m the one who’s afraid to leave. I hated you because you were able to do that.”
She reaches out and holds both of his hands now. Her wedding ring digs into his skin but he doesn’t take notice, only keeps his hands in hers, afraid that if he lets go, he won’t be able to feel anything anymore. “I would never have the strength to walk away,” she admits, smiling at him. “So the fact that you were able to do that because you knew you had to, you needed to, that’s something. In the end it’s not fair, but who’s to say it won’t change in time?”
Nino laughs a little; he can’t help it. “You think I’d get better? I tried. I moved to the city, and when that wasn’t enough, I ventured into outer space. I gave myself time. I allowed myself to be happy. Nothing worked.”
“I can’t fight your demons for you, Kazu,” she says, and it hits him like a splash of cold water on the face. “No one can. I can’t even tell you what to do. But I know that you know. Somewhere in you, you know. And when you get there, when you’re better, you’re going to know what to do.”
She lets go of one of his hands to reach out, wiping away a tear that streaked his cheek. He didn’t even feel it fall.
“You’ll get there,” she says, and Nino, for the first time in twenty-three years, cries.
--
He finds a teaching job somewhere close to the shipyard. The hum of engines and welding machines is a familiar noise now. Somehow, knowing that vessels that are set to venture into outer space are being made around him is soothing in its own peculiar way.
He doesn’t accept his sister’s offer of living in the spare bedroom, rather, he goes to find a place he can call his own. Smaller than his quarters in the Masquerade, but he fills it with things that help him remember who he is—holorecords of Nyx VII, theses and write-ups about the colony, accounts of survivors that he never bothered to look up before. He doesn’t have the necessary clearances to get to the truth of things since that remains classified information, but the bits he discovers, he holds on to. He’s had enough of running.
He’s trying something different now.
In the mornings, he goes to the nearby language school and teaches twenty-five students about the languages he knows. He hones his Ilarian, Zuran, and takes it upon himself to study Grenus’ native tongue. Elioni, he gives up on. He just can’t do it.
One night, he borrows his brother-in-law’s speeder and searches for a particular establishment.
He impresses the owner with card magic, and she praises him for having quick hands and skills. He comes back every week to show her a new trick, her smile bright and truly amazed every time he pulls out the correct card from the stack.
His weekly visits that made him a regular, turn twice a week in a matter of months. He gets to explore every bit of the place—from the roof, the walls, the thrusters that keep it afloat in the midst of such a busy complex, the kind smile the owner has for him every time she sees it’s him.
The years burn.
--
From up here, the world looks as he remembered the last time.
That’s the first thing he notices. Earth is one planet in the vastness of space, a habitable chunk that has a space station floating above it. The king on the chessboard, representing the home of the Union, an organization that strives for peace despite its mistakes.
There is no female officer waiting to guide him this time, but he finds his way. His feet remember where to go, his hands recall what to do. His forefinger presses the 35th floor in the elevator and he watches calmly as the numbers increase one by one, indicating that he’s merely passing by all these floors.
It might be too soon or too late when he hears the tiny ding that indicates that he has reached his destination, but he doesn’t linger on it. He steps out as soon as the doors open to reveal a room that is so vast and sparsely decorated he could probably transform it to a lounge to make use of all the space.
“Are you an applicant, sir?” he hears, and he finds a woman sitting behind a desk that he can’t remember seeing before. This, he thinks, is one of the things that have changed.
“Yes,” he says, showing the tag he printed out back at home as per instructions. “I’m applicant number forty-six.”
The woman nods, handing him a data pad. “Please sign your name for confirmation.”
He does, and he is ushered in a waiting room where six other people are seated in silence. He’s been to job interviews before, but never for this. He thinks he likes the change from last time.
He waits with the rest, keeping his hands folded on his lap as numbers get flashed on the holoscreen, applicants being asked to leave the room and enter the one adjacent to it. He listens to the slow, rhythmic beat of whatever contemporary piece the Union chooses to play on their speakers. Or maybe it’s not the Union responsible for this song. What he hears sounds like it’s right up his future employer’s alley.
Being applicant number forty-six means he is the last one to be interviewed, and he knows that his co-applicants are relieved that they are not the ones in his position. The interviewer must be tired, he hears them say on their way out. They also say that they would hate to be the last one because that means the interview is going to be rushed.
He knows who is behind that door. He doesn’t think that will happen.
When the number 46 finally appears on the holoscreen in front of him, he stands and straightens his clothes, walking towards the interview room in confident strides.
“Have a seat,” the interviewer tells him as soon as the doors slide shut. The man doesn’t look up. He appears to be finalizing applicant number 45’s information.
There is a large window behind the interviewer that is overlooking the stars, and the sight of them is soothing in an inexplicable way.
He smiles and remains standing by the doors. “I respectfully decline.”
The man seated behind the desk snaps his head up immediately, his face in absolute shock. His hands freeze in their movements, fingers hovering awkwardly over a data pad.
“Nino,” Sho breathes, like he can’t believe it.
Nino tilts his head, raising the applicant number tag that he printed out. “Applicant number forty-six,” he reads for Sho, who sits unmoving still. “Whose idea was it to ditch the names? Yours or Jun-kun’s?”
Sho has to take a few seconds to recover and to swallow a lump in his throat before he can get some words out. “The Ambassador wanted to eliminate bias and thought it would be better if we assigned numbers. To be as impersonal as possible and to give the applicants a sense of equality.”
“Eliminate bias,” Nino repeats, taking a few steps closer to the provided chair. “Spoken like a true worker for the Union, I see. But I had to put my name on the application form. Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”
“The Ambassador insisted on handling the assignment of numbers himself. He wanted to be the one to personally review the applicant’s résumés this time. I had no access to them,” Sho explains. The earlier shock has ebbed away, but Sho is still looking at him like he’s not real.
Nino supposes that this is what two years of separation and silence cause.
“So he knew I applied for it and didn’t tell you,” Nino says. “Typical Matsumoto Jun, I’d say.” He takes a seat on the provided chair then, crossing his legs at the knee. “You’re doing the preliminary interviews?”
“Yes,” Sho says and clears his throat, seeming to remember that he’s in the middle of his job.
“Then ask me things you don’t know,” Nino tells him. He hasn’t seen Sho’s face for too long. He finds that he misses it, although Sho did get a few more wrinkles on certain parts of his face. Two years made him age faster than he should have, and perhaps Nino is partly responsible for that. He did leave Sho to do all the work alone.
It takes Sho some moments to compose himself. “How have you been?” he asks in the end, like he’s afraid of overstepping boundaries or has too many questions threatening to spill out of his mouth and can’t decide which to give voice to first.
“Not as old as you,” Nino says with a smile, “but feeling twice as old. Maybe. I’ve been on Earth for a while, teaching languages to people who have the mind to listen. I think some of your applicants were my former students.”
Sho nods, seemingly satisfied with his explanation. Nino thinks he may have missed Sho and the way he looks down when he is embarrassed. His body language remains the same and Nino can read through every movement with accuracy.
“You’re wondering why I’m here,” Nino concludes. And if I want you for you.
“You can’t blame me, not after two years,” Sho retorts weakly.
“Aiba-shi never told you anything?” When he and Aiba had finally met in the Aiba family's floating restaurant, Aiba cried and nearly tackled him to the ground, calling him a ‘selfish bastard who deserves a punch’. Nino protested when Aiba’s threat proved to be empty. He believed he earned it after what he did.
It was through Aiba that Nino found out about the translator post opening.
“You’ve been meeting him?” Sho asks, stunned.
“I’ve met with his mom and dad more times than I can count ever since I went back. Of course I have been meeting him. We used to have beer Tuesdays at the Aiba family establishment. So he didn’t tell you a thing. I’m surprised. I’ll have you know I didn’t ask him to do that.”
“I wouldn’t dare to presume.”
Silence lingers once more, seconds passing by with them merely looking at each other. Sho still in varying states of disbelief and, when Nino searches for it, fear. Like he thinks Nino is simply an apparition and will disappear in moments.
“If you have any questions regarding my qualifications as an applicant,” Nino says, lips twitching to point at the data pad in front of Sho, “I have provided character references in my résumé.”
Sho’s fingers move with deftness, accessing said file, and Nino can’t help grinning when Sho sighs and shakes his head.
“It says here that your first and only character reference is Matsumoto Jun,” Sho tells him, looking close to laughing.
Nino nods. “The only one that matters given the job, I thought.”
“Seems to me you and him already have a candidate in mind.”
“Said candidate believes he is cut for the job. He also believes that this won’t end like the last time, but he understands the concern.”
Sho’s shoulder slump at that, then he looks at Nino with wondering eyes. “I can’t hide anything from you, can I?”
“Not anymore. I did my research, you know. Something I should have done the last time. But better late than never, wouldn’t you agree?” Nino stands, walking to where Sho is. “After all,” he adds, voice dropping to a whisper when he’s close enough, “I’m still married to you.”
He gestures to the data pad again, smiling as Sho powers it back on and scrolls up.
“You didn’t change your status,” Sho says. There’s this lilt of happiness in his voice. Nino assumes he is feeling intensely relieved for reasons unknown. It’s just like him not to check on Nino, perhaps thinking it would be an invasion of Nino’s privacy. Nino wasn’t the only one who kept distance.
“Unless in the past two years you have committed adultery or have become insane, then no.”
Sho looks up at him, sheer disbelief on his face. His brows are furrowed and his mouth is hanging open, and Nino only raises his eyebrow.
“Two years,” Sho whispers incredulously. “Two years and you never—?”
Nino laughs, head thrown back, shoulders shaking. He feels lighter somehow. “Two years and it was just my hand and a bunch of pornographic holofilms on mute. It was lonely.” He shakes his head, still chuckling under his breath. “Kidding aside, no. I never. Because there was no one.”
No one else he can imagine for it to work with. Of the two of them, Sho has the right to be shocked. Sho doesn’t look like he has gotten any action given the work environment that he lives in, which must have been extremely stressful after Nino’s resignation. They both had their ways of coping—Nino with leaving, Sho with working and drowning everything else out.
“On paper I’m here for the translator position,” he says seriously, holding Sho’s gaze in his own. “Other than that, I’m here to see if all of what we had shared will still turn out to be real even after I carelessly tossed it aside. If you let me, I’ll try to do better.”
“It won’t be easy,” Sho says, taking the words out of Nino’s mouth.
“It won’t,” he acknowledges. “But I want to try. I’ve been doing a lot of trying. So if you can bear with that, if you want to, I’ll be happy to try again. I’ll do my best.” He knows his words don’t mean much. Why would they? He left before. Even Nino doesn’t know if he’s not going to leave again. He can never say for sure, and Sho looks like he understands.
“If not,” Nino continues, “that’s fine with me and I completely understand.” It will hurt, but that can go unsaid. Nino purses his lips in uncertainty.
Sho studies his face, as if searching for a hint of rejection or a lie somewhere. He’s having a ‘pinch me’ moment, and if he asks, Nino will gladly oblige just to assure him that this is all happening right now, that he is here and the furthest thing from his mind is to walk away and leave everything behind.
“Just so we’re clear,” Sho says, rising from his seat and moving to stand in front of the windows showing a view of outside, “we still can’t annul it. I don’t think I am insane.”
“I would hate it if you were,” Nino says honestly, standing beside him. When Sho’s fingers brush against his knuckles, Nino threads their fingers together, finding the warmth still so familiar and comforting, like nothing has changed. In his heart, he is thankful that he still has this to go back to even after everything.
“If we’re going to try again,” Sho tells him, eyes fixed on the inky blackness outside, “I think we should open up more. That mostly goes for me, I guess. But if there’s anything you think I should know, tell me. I promise to try doing the same.”
Nino squeezes his hand. “I can work with that.”
Sho doesn’t say anything anymore, and Nino allows it all to wash over him: the feeling of Sho being so close after years apart, the acceptance settling inside him, the unspoken apologies, the overdue forgiveness felt and understood without saying.
He looks out and thinks he can understand what the stars are telling him.
Welcome home.
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What goes after this is completely word salad, because who in their right mind can think straight when you’re reading this greatness? I might be reduced into capslock, flaily adjective repetition and keyboard mash at times (at most times lol) and it’s all because of you <3!
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The opening is so beautiful because you directly put Nino in space, looking over the Earth and the stars. The entire new perspective of Earth is just so beautiful and I couldn’t help to think that I would be embarking a journey, together with Nino. What a great opening, I keep on thnking as I read this over and over again, because it’s the beginning of the story as it is the beginning of the adventure of this great fic.
And the small details are truly delightful. I love that you started so early (and you kept at it all through this marvelous fic!!!) with the sounds of space travel, the take off, and space station in all. And you layer this with how ‘nervous’ Nino feels about the whole experience. Oh, my! I will keep on saying this throughout because you truly use words gracefully and I couldn’t help to think of how much effort you put on bringing this world into written words. Everything is slow-paced and beautiful. Instead of bring forward the story like it is, the entire narration melts the story perfectly. Oh, you!
And hi Sho! I love their first meeting, because somehow voyeurish (in a good way), it gives nothing of Sho but the details Nino caught from the meeting and so much shadow at first. (which is such gooooooood way to bring an unknown Sho into the story. I was so intrigued with their first exchange, like they didn’t seem to start on a good footing, but there’s something more, something that I expected to be explored later.
Nino’s take on Sho is just spot on, and so like Nino. How you wrote Nino reading Sho’s words and gestures is truly how Sakumiya works in my head. Nino could be silent and observant and Sho didn’t know what’s going to hit him. :D
And hello Aiba!!! I love how these two just instantly hit off and all the friendship vibes delights me to no end. From all the flashes of Nino’s dark past, I know that I’m in for a bumpy ride ahead, but knowing that Aiba is going to be there, being Aiba, makes me smile.
Sho being all straight-faced and serious is one thing, but having Nino trying to sneak jabs at him, to tease, to taunt in his own way, is very amusing. I love how your dialogue works and how they both are equal but they are also smart enough to seek opening to deliver the last jabs.
Space Ambassador Jun! OMG. This also excites me to no end because I know I’m getting Sakumiya but having Jun being also the central of the story is awesome! I also love how Nino settles on ‘Jun-kun’ because as much as I adore the new nickname ‘J’, Nino had been calling him Jun-kun forever and it gives me feels. :D And to have him all amused with how Nino and Sho deals with each other on their first meetings are giving me the widest smile!
OHNO! HANGING OUT FROM THE CEILING. WITH GOOGLES. LAKSJDA. I wasn’t hoping to find Ohno so soon in the story but hey, this truly wins the best introduction scene because hanging from the ceiling with goggles doesn’t happen every day (even in space) and I’m having too much fun cackling madly because Ohno in a Spiderman way is so charming in, well, Ohno’s own way.
Ilari. I had a feeling that it was one of a Star Trek universe? Or I might be mistaken? I’m a failed Trekkie, but it does sound familiar. BUT it barely matters because somehow I know you are going for your own universe, one that is much more meaningful. I also love how cultural (mis)understanding plays part in the story, of how they’re going to the uncharted place and get to explore with gestures and language.
Thank you, thank you, for having Sho saying “supernova” even if it was on a random sentence because Sho and supernova will never ever gets old. :D
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And I totally losing it when they begin the discussion of who should marry who and what it would entail, and omg, Jun could marry any of them but he couldn’t because of official reason so hey there’s two of you who could get away with it and you don’t really get along with each other, so why don’t you get marry, Jun will officiate. THIS IS POSSIBLY THE BEST REASON AND I STAND BY IT!
And Jun might be a bit quick on trying to get his secretary and translator to just get married already. I LOVE YOUR JUN. I LOVE YOU. I truly love what the story offers and the many possibilities it gives at this early stage of story. If I didn’t know I’m in for a great ride before, I will by now. Plus, Jun, you are way too amused about this, I truly love it!
The annulment discussion and every line that goes with it is just GOLD!
Aiba and Ohno don’t disappoint because of course they are going to tease Nino about the marriage—I love how this ship is so ‘small’ that even at Jun’s word to certain people (which could be quickly identified from how the two of them approach Nino and Sho) and offer their congratulation. Aiba is just glorious in here. Yeah, go on with your empty threats, Nino, sure. AND OHNO BEING LITTLE SHIT OHNO, I love this!
The Zuran trip with all the complications. Again I want to declare my love for you to write this all so thoroughly, all the preparation, and everything. I love prep meeting and this is beautiful, because of the banters, how Nino and Sho is so new in their married life (hahaha) and Jun continues to be Jun. Just truly excellent!
And upping the stake with Nino as first translator. I love I can finally see how Jun is a difficult boss, because he definitely is, yet an understanding one. He knows his people, knows about Nino, and gives the challenge as way to support his growth.
Nervous Nino is not something I find often in fic but you wrote it beautifully here. Again, I love how you go with intricate details of his nervousness, his gestures, how Sho acts around him. The scene is so good, Sho’s offering his support in his own way, Aiba over the comm being the reliable pilot as time marker, and we can finally see Nino in action with his assignments! :D
I love how everything doesn’t settle easily with the assignments, and we get the glimpse of the job complexity. How Jun is so good at his job, doing it his own way. How Sho understands Jun and, in extension, Nino. How Nino is so baffled by all the development of his assignments. I’m at the edge of my seat during this sequence, like there’s a hint of something bad will happen, but they are together and Nino gradually realizes that this job is not just a simple one—and how Sho is, or should I say, could be on his side, knowing Nino even if Nino is not sure of himself.
I can also beginning to see how these three could work together, agreeing with Jun when he said that they do need a third brain. Nino brings such a fresh addition to the team, a new perspective mostly because of his past experience. I love how you slowly bring us to this and it truly made sense at one way. I had a wide smile all over my face at Jun’s pleased and smug comment.
Oh. Flashback. Which is not pretty. But here we are with more glimpse of Nino’s past.
And Sho’s simple understanding over Nino’s blackout is very sweet. I know it is not delivered in syrupy gestures or some kind of mother-hen attitude, but his action, letting Nino having a moment to right himself without fussing over it, really speaks volumes. I do feel that Sho is portrayed as cold and calculated in some way during the beginning but you have managed, skillfully, to show that he is none of that.
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Ah, the discussion that comes with it when they’re back at the ship. For a difficult topic, especially for Nino, it does went well and what hits me the most is the all around respect from each of them. Jun who knew about Nino’s past, is giving the chance for Nino to settle himself. Sho who (well later we’ll get there) also knew about it, shows his usual impassive and distant opinion. Yet, I love that Nino doesn’t treat his own past as something he feels he should hide. I like that it is actually one step to overcome the trauma, even if Nino hasn’t realized it yet. Seeing him open up, coming clean, in front of Jun and Sho because he doesn’t want it to influence his work. True professional to the bone Ninomiya is one of the many aspects of Nino that I love and I’m so glad that you brought it up here, beautifully at that, and made it much more meaningful.
Yes, we’re finally on Sho-chan and Nino’s stage. I’m grinning! And Jun, thank you for the nudge. Hahaha.
Grenus is a nice change and challenge, because after two familiar cultures, here comes the true uncharted one.
And more flirting!!!!! Also, to make Sho blush in front of everyone is a true goal in life, Nino. A++++
Once again, you strike with your glorious world building skills. I feel like this one is much more intricate than the others because somehow it’s the most important? I just have that feeling when I got to this part. And again, your details color this story gracefully. I can truly see the scenery just by reading your words <3! With all the suspicion and tension floating around the meeting, you manage to sneak in, not one, but two fine details. OF SHO AND FOOD yess, I love this one, despite hey this might be poisonous and we should not eat this and Sho just goes on with the first bit. AND JUN VS CORIANDER, loll. I’m with Jun on this, so I totally understand.
UH OH! So, skin contact is forbidden in this world! And they captured Sho! Diplomacy involves complex details and you wrote this bits perfectly. I feel Sho’s fear and Jun’s panic, and then Nino’s cool head finally getting them all out from this dire situation—of course having Nino publicly stating Sho as his husband is a great bonus! And making Sho blush in front of everyone? Check!
Yuriko is precious, scribbling like mad throughout A++, thank you thank you for including her!
The observation deck scene is somehow heart wrenching and beautiful. Because I wasn’t expecting that they would talk about what happened to Nino—I originally thought that Sho would skirt over the issue. I’m glad I was wrong because Nino has more to say about his past, has to let it all out to be able to be close to Sho. And it is also nice to see that Sho shows his acceptance in his own way.
OH FIRST KISS I WAS NOT READY FOR THIS AND THEN IT HAPPENED YES FINALLY <3!
And Aiba and Ohno are placing bets! Hahahaa. All the support for Sakumiya is making my heart warm and tingly yess. Also thank you Aiba for being a good friend and snooping into Nino’s marriage life!
AND MAKEOUTS! WOOHOO! I love the gradual development and how they are being careful with each other—or it was Sho who’s being careful with each other because Nino is all out for it, bless you, and Sho’s mouth should be blamed for a lot of things in this world. YES!
The story behind the no-smile Sho! Oh, it was much more complicated than I thought, yet it explained a lot of things. I love how the smile becomes something that’s important and you run with it for as long as it goes and making the moment when Sho (later, way later) finally smiles as a precious one. I love how then it progresses to Sho being able to smile more in Nino’s presence. I find it truly lovely and adorable. And What a milestone for their relationship too because their bond is not made over night, BUT LIKE A YEAR, and you use all the words, all the beautiful weaves of words to make this even more enjoyable to read.
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He sees Sho licking his lips. “The difference,” he says, and Nino notes how his voice dropped to a low and meaningful timbre, “is that we are not.” He inclines his head to the side. “Yet.”
So many things in this one sentence made me squeal so hard! I almost forgot that this is an NC-17 story, so there’s going to be sex!!!! And Sho’s low voice!!!! And what comes out of his mouth should not sound so dirty, but it is! Unfff!
Oh, they’re getting on it! I mean, Nino has been in your quarters for some time, Sho, make that move! Ah, Sushi-curry shirt from VS, hello there, sorry to see you got discarded but I’m not really sorry hahaha. This slow-burn make-out slash tease is giving me life. Oh my, oh my! They’re getting on it!
Except they’re not!
Uhhh! I hate Matsujun, right now. You tell him that, Nino! LOL. Yet there’s Sho’s disheveled state complete with hair tousled and lips swollen. asldkjasldkjas. Okay, maybe you’re a little forgiven, Jun. Hahaha.
Ohno being a little shit so early in the morning! Yes!
And holorecord to the recycler? Oh, I love how the silly cute scene with Ohno then develops to be an important one, a sign of Nino’s starting to make peace with his past. And miso soup, the taste of home, is better, is the sign of how Nino begins to accept his being home on the ship? This is just utterly beautiful!
Ayase Haruka! And how Jun is amused at him, hahaha! You brought the best of her in this scene and I do have to agree with Jun that the whole exchange is a true fresh air compared to all the formal diplomatic ones.
“I would assume annulment is out of the question now?” Jun inquires, looking amused.
“Sometimes I forget that you were our witness and instigator,” Nino tells him. “You were happier about this marriage more than anybody else.”
HAHAHAHA. So true, even if I am definitely even happier than Jun <3!
AHHH HONEYMOON YES THANK YOU JUN!
But not so fast because of course, of course, Sho wants to use his day off to explore. HAHAHA. Nino, I feel you! I’m more like Nino with my day off, but with Sho happy, eyes sparkling, all the legs ache in the world is worth it.
Finally a ‘date’ and I like the talk about what if and how they are being honest with each other. Being off work really sets them in a different kind of pace. I love how different they are from the beginning, now that they are much more comfortable with each other.
Points for including Nino’s lightweight. :D
OMG NINO AND AIBA IN A FOOD ADVENTURE! Hahahaha. I love that this two is also gotten so much closer, very comfortable in their friendship.
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Making out with Nino’s being naked and Sho’s still in ugly sweatpants!!! All the hard and hot kisses! Whoa. Nino, you’re impatient! Sho, you’re demanding!!!! I’m a mess on the floor because this is intensely hot!!!!!!!! The begging!! Hair tugs!!!!!!!!! The confession!!!!!!
AND OH SNAP. SHO JUST UPS THE TENSION WAY TO THE ROOF! Pinning Nino down!!! Sho’s hand muffling Nino. Restrained hand above head!!!!!!! OMG THIS IS SO HOT *FAN FACE! Coming untouched!!!! HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS IS A FAVE. I didn’t remember putting this on my kink list. BLESS YOU, ANON, BLESS YOUU!
And then all that again until shore leave ends. Approved! Plus, I love the simple meal in bed scene because it should be norm!
Can I also high five with you, Jun? Because the honeymoon was a true A++ gift!
Ah, the complexity of Nino taking the permanent job offer. This is so real, I love this. Sure his relationship with Sho has grown so much, but I love that you keep Nino as himself, with his consideration. And Sho being supportive is the sweetest. There’s so much vulnerability involves in the talk in bed, and I can’t help to smile to see they got this far. This relationship seems real with its all challenges, and Sakumiya is being themselves <3!
One last hurdle, but oh boy oh boy this was the ultimate one. Totally didn’t see this coming—although as I tracked back you did put some very subtle hints (the look on Sho’s face during the talk before and his fast understanding)—what a twist!
Nino’s struggle is so painful yet I can’t help to compare this to the first part of the story. Nino was so lost in the first time, so unsure, and now he returns to that state but it is much more painful. In a way, I love the respect that Jun gave him, giving him options and space, because Nino needs to handle this on his own before he tries to handle other people in his life. This made me reading his separation from Sho with equal pain, but it is necessary in a way. It is harsh, abrupt, but it is necessary.
He goes back to Earth! Sibling talk! And all the missing pieces from Nino’s childhood. Ah, you took the time to flesh this out to the bone, and I love you for it. It would be so easy to come up with short scenes to show all this, but you took the hard way by adding more scenes and I just, so much awe!
At the end, Nino just needs time and space to take care of himself.
The year burns. A very long narrative time but nothing seems rushed at all and it made all the small progress even more meaningful. I totally find that the time Nino took to make peace with himself, with his past is heartbreaking yet so important. He had endured so much and the necessary separation seems to bring more pain but it was, once again, necessary.
I think you managed to keep the last scene vague until last minute and delivered a great impact. Because:
“Nino,” Sho breathes, like he can’t believe it.
Same, Sho. Same!
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I love that they decided to hold hands because who needs steamy kisse at this point, I love the point of understanding because their relationship has transcends beyond all the physical. And more than his friends, more than miso soup, Nino’s finally home, with Sho on his side.
I can’t help to wish so many happy cycles in the following years because they both have suffered enough and they now need to process to be happy. :D
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Anon, I feel like I still owe you a lot of words to convey how thankful I am to receive this amazing amaziiiiiing fic, but really, words have failed me from the get go. You got this word salad instead—and I wrote this at last minute because I had an insane week, and well, so terribly sorry that you need to read all these incoherent ramblings.
I was just, still am and will be forever, in awe of this beauty.
This is hands down the best thing that happened to me all this month, all this Nino’s month. Thank you so much for all the words, all the beauty, all the Sakumiya. This story has blown my brain in a very good way. This story has been on my bookmark for more than a week, and you wouldn’t believe how many times I look over chapter after chapter on my free time, just to remind myself that an amazing Anon wrote me this amazing fic for this amazing Nino exchange. Again, I’m reduced to nothing but just thank you, thank you, for this. Many happy cycles to you ♥!
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Ilari was me inserting Trek because majority of the stuff here came from Memory Alpha. I altered them so as not to completely borrow from the franchise, but I still wanted to refer to the main inspo, so there we go! So glad you caught that LOL (Ilari in Star Trek is really in the Delta Quadrant).
I’m really pleased you caught the stuff I inserted here (Sho saying supernova, Jun and his coriander hate, Ohno and Nino’s Spiderman meeting, sushi-curry shirt) because that makes all the references worth it! :) And ngl, I inserted the Sakumoto friendship because I know you like them too. ;)
Nino’s moment with Ohno and the miso soup is actually my favorite scene in this fic, because I intended it to mean a lot for Nino. I know it was mean to make him feel those things only to break him much later, but then again, if you, my recipient, understood EXACTLY what that scene’s supposed to mean, then I truly feel it’s all worth doing in the end.
This was a ride to write (I won’t lie, I kept whining to certain people about it), so I’m truly, truly happy and relieved that you liked it. Thank YOU for giving me the opportunity to write accidental marriage that I can get away with. I’ve always wanted to work on that trope. :)
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The world you created was awesome. I LOVE your Jun. I love how he's absolutely easy to love - Jun tends to be guarded and aloof in fics and I love how you included that in his past but he's just so charming, sweet yet dorky in this one -- ALL while being absolutely close to what I imagine Jun to be like.
The kiss was so lovely. It was unexpected but not unbelievable. I love how you timed it - you made us feel like Nino who sort of knew it was coming but not exactly at THAT moment.
The relationship was beautiful. I LOVE how they worked so well together but because they weren't completely honest with each other, it broke down. It seemed like sho's fault but under the surface, Nino was also keeping his own demons hidden EVEN if he told sho.
This was a piece of art. Thank you! It's not for me but I loved every moment of it. In fact, I'm rereading it to see what I've missed the first time round! (Like sho calling Nino Nino the very first time)
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I know you love Sakumiya, so to see you finding the entire thing to be more than acceptable brings me relief like whoa. I’ve never written Sakumiya of this scale before (I keep using Nino Ex to write for pairings I never tackled) so I was unsure about a couple of things.
Thank you very much for reading and dropping a comment! I never imagined this can warrant a reread (seriously, how), so I’m really floored with this nice comment you left me! ♥
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I loved the universe you built, and how we got to find out about what happened to Nino little by little as he opened up more to Sho and vice versa. It felt really genuine and - despite the fact that half the characters are alien - really human. I loved how their relationship gradually progressed and how it took Nino some time but he was able to get back to Sho.
I really loved Jun too, how he was so kind but firm. It worked really well.
A++++++++!!!!
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I loved seeing Nino in a role that utilizes his intelligence. It's not something highlighted very often, but very spot on with him. He might not read the way Sho does, but he does absorb a lot of information and is clever in his own right.
Jun was so perfect throughout this story, and the Aiba and Sho backstory with the smiles made my heart hurt. Because is there anything better than Sho's laughter? His laugh and his smile, it would kill me not to see that around and of course Aiba too. Nino and Sho balanced each other really well throughout the story, and the fake marriage was a great catalyst for them to get to know one another. So! YAY. :D
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Thanks a lot of reading!
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This story is a master piece, well-written, well thought, clever and sexy. I love the way your characters are learning to know each other, I love the way they are trying to seal a peace in this space divided by war and crimes. This story is full of interesting ideas and leads, honestly I would have read a few chapters more, but the happy ending is wonderful, I didn't even believe it was possible anymore.
Thank you so much for writing this great story, you made my day ♥♥
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Thank you for reading!
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EDIT
I KNEW IT WAS YOU!!! :D
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This was amazing. The complexities, the backstories, the revelations, and !!! the classic "Was any of this real?" moment when Nino finally confronts Sho! (my favorite scene, btw). I don't even know where to begin with my thoughts. Your Nino was so real, so strong, so snarky, so him, your Sho was delightfully uptight (but softens up as we go along in the most adorable way, which I'm glad we get to see through Nino's eyes), and god, I LOVED your Jun! If I had to cast anyone in Arashi as a diplomat, he'd probably be my last choice given his penchant for brutal honesty, but here he just works so so perfectly! I think I enjoyed his knowing grins just as much as I enjoyed the actual process of watching Sakumiya get together. Thank you for this wonderful fic, anon!
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Thanks very much for reading! :)
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Thank you for this lovely comment!
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Many many thanks for sharing and writing this author-san!! 💕
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Jun is so cool in this and so kind to them. The twist in the end when Nino gets to know about Sho's father not sending help because he trusted their governour and because of him getting to live through that traumatic experience when he was a kid. I can totally understand that Nino had to leave Sho after that to get his thoughts straight. It had to hurt so much to hear about it not from Sho himself in the beginning but from a total unknown person till then ><
His sister was super lovely and helpful and I love that in the end Nino went back to talk to Sho and that they still love each other even after the years they spend apart. Btw I like that Aiba didn't tell Sho anything about meeting Nino regularly and being worth the trust Nino gives him. He is dependable in the end and this story shows that so clearly.
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I smiled when nino said "I allowed myself to be happy", I could imagine how Sho could light Nino's world, despite the little fight at the beginning. and when he said "It was lonely" I feel how Nino realised his love towards Sho, and how he only needs 2 years to be able to forgive Sho, to allow them to be happy once again.
Sho, please keep Nino. 💙💙💙
I'll re read prev chapters and see if I got comments on them
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Thanks for reading!
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The characters were very interesting and lovable. Not only Sho and Nino, but also Jun, Jun was so mysterious and amazing and I just adored him for so many reasons! Really, that character was highly fascinating! I would have loved to learn a bit more about his background. Nino's background of course was so tragic and I felt so sorry for him having such a trauma D: It's hard to overcome something like that and it's understandable that in the end he "ran away" due to all the things getting together, even if it broke my heart because… Sho and Nino being apart always breaks my heart ;_; Their dynamic was really interesting. The accidental marriage was so fun, I loved that it was like huh? Really? Now? So fast? OK… and that this was partly responsible for getting them together was just awesome. And lucky for Sho he and Nino were married when they touched on that one planet and he almost got… yeah. Lucky he only touched his husband. Those cultural misunderstandings… seriously. XD
I was so so happy that in the end there was a happy end for Sho and Nino T^T I almost didn't dare hoping that Sho would wait for Nino but gladly he did and they could catch on almost where they left with the hope that this time things will work out better. That's great.
Thank you very much for sharing this awesome story, I was thrilled, entertained, I laughed, I cried, I totally enjoyed Sho and Nino being together, this was just a great read!
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I think after what I put them through, they deserve the happy ending. :D I just really like happy endings to be well-deserved.
Thank you for this lovely comment!
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...but the rest is also excellent, as always! You and your way with building up worlds and injecting narratives of humanity in it without losing the core of the RL people the characters are based on. I enjoyed Jun very much here, just like everyone already mentioned! And of course, your Sho and Nino are very much on-point. I cared about how their relationship progressed and how it was thrown off in one critical moment...GAH
Just, great job :D
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Thank you for reading and commenting! :D
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Thanks so much for sharing,i loved it!