fic for shardaunei!

[nino_mod]

For: shardaunei
From: :3.

Title: Never Change My Mind
Pairing/Focus: Jun/Nino
Rating: PG
Word count: ~19k
Warnings: contrived situations and mention of vomiting
Summary: “He was in a limo on the way to a wedding, and the person with him was the one who'd left him at the altar. In some twisted way, it was perfect.”
Notes: I hope you like this, shardaunei! Thank to our ever-patient mod, my ever-encouraging beta, and to JLB, for delightful brainstorming. ♥ Title from Mikan.


Nino felt him like a ghost.


He was pressed to Nino's body, arms holding on tight, his breathing warm and steady on the back of Nino's neck. The impression of one long leg was draped across both of Nino's, making him feel enveloped in safety, or maybe just in love.


Even as he slept, Nino knew he was sleeping alone, but he let himself linger in the delusion. It was probably shameful, the amount of comfort he took in the memory of someone who wasn't worth his time. He was pragmatic enough to let himself enjoy it anyway. The worst that could happen was that he'd wake up crying, and he hadn't done that in months.


He was past the point of pretending now--he was waking up. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes.


Jun wasn't there.


He hadn't been there for more than a year.


But it was time to start another day, and he rather enjoyed getting to start his days in his own neat, cozy apartment. Nino had actually, after the first shock wore off, benefited in some ways from the loss of his relationship. All of the good things in his life when he'd been with Jun had been about Jun, and he'd let everything else drop down to be just enough to get by without ever caring very much about any of it.


Nino, post-Jun, had found that those getting-by things were what he had left, so he'd put his head down and tried, at big things and small, in ways he hadn't before. His performance reviews at the company lost their lackluster neutrality and began to glow. He rekindled friendships--not very many, but more than he'd thought to have--with people he'd lost touch with in the midst of his feverish romance. He'd picked up music again for his own sake instead of just playing whatever he thought Jun might like. Without Jun's apartment to escape to, he cleaned way more often. He was learning to cook, and he sometimes even enjoyed it.


Mornings didn't tend to be one of those times, and this morning, the morning of a day Nino wished he could skip entirely, didn't break the mold. He was grouchy and bleary and filled with enough dread that everything he ate was tasteless.


How he had agreed to go to this wedding was, even now, something he couldn't comprehend. One minute he was in his cubicle looking over an expense report, and the next he was having a meeting with his boss and his boss's gimlet-eyed assistant. Nino's immediate boss was an idiot, but his assistant was known to be a shark, and she'd anticipated his every move and outmaneuvered him without any appearance of effort.


All because he was the company's only gay employee (at least, the only gay employee management knew about), and they wanted to trot him out at the undisputed wedding of the year. It wasn't the first same-sex wedding since the legalization in Japan six months previously, but it was the first celebrity same-sex wedding. Both the aging actor and the younger variety show talent involved were managed by Nino's company, but it was almost time to renegotiate the contracts--time to show that two men in love might be controversial to some companies, but not Higashiyama Entertainment--at Higashiyama one and all were progressive and accepting! This was not, of course, the argument made by Nino's boss when he'd told Nino to go to the wedding, but Nino wasn't stupid.


He glared at the suit laid out on his bed. He was to be the proof of his company's tolerance, and he hated it. While no one had been terrible, there'd been enough weirdness with coworkers when he'd come out--not least with his own manager--that it felt hypocritical, and besides, he hated weddings.


He'd hated weddings for over a year now.


But the shark had outmaneuvered him and here he was, not only putting on a suit that was slightly too small and shoes that always pinched his toes, but about to pretend to be boyfriends with his best friend at an extravagant, all-day event that was almost certainly going to be a circus.


Straightening his tie, Nino sighed. Today was going to be just about everything he disliked at once, but he had to do it or the consequences at the company would be dire. At least he wasn't going to be doing it alone.


He was going to do it with Aiba, and if there was one thing Nino knew about his best friend, it was that he tended to make even the worst things at least a little bit fun.


*


Aiba was late.


Nino, fidgeting to stop himself from panicking, avoided the stare of the driver in the rear-view mirror. It was bad enough to be going to a wedding so gaudy the guests were picked up in limousines without inconveniencing everyone by being late in a limousine. He couldn't even mess around on his phone to pass the time because the driver had already confiscated it.


The driver straightened up in her seat suddenly, turning toward her side mirror. Nino craned to try to see, but he didn't see Aiba anywhere. Then the driver was out of the car and walking around to open the door opposite Nino's seat.


She opened the door with a flourish. Someone in a fancy suit came in, and Nino smiled, relieved and ready to berate Aiba for his lateness, but the smile froze on his face.


Because it wasn't Aiba getting into the limo. The person sitting across from Nino as the driver got back in and started the car was his ex. Matsumoto Jun.


Jun was staring at him, shock all over his handsome face, and Nino couldn't help the hysterical laugh that came out as the car started to move. He was in a limo on the way to a wedding, and the person with him was the one who'd left him at the altar. In some twisted way, it was perfect.


On the other hand, no. Nino stopped laughing and pointed at the door. "Get out."


"We're already moving," Jun mumbled, eyes still like saucers and trained on Nino.


"How did you even--" Nino started, then sighed. "Aiba."


Jun nodded and finally managed to blink. "He didn't tell me... he told me I had to go to a wedding, but he didn't say you'd be my--"


"I'm not your date," Nino interrupted. "Don't think that even for a second."


Jun sat back in his seat, seeming unable to look away from Nino's face. After a moment, he reached to his side, clearly searching for a seat belt, but the bench seat of the limousine didn't have any. Nino snorted derisively and was gratified to see Jun's face get red.


"You'll be getting out soon anyway," Nino said and turned his face away. "I'd ask the driver to stop, but it makes me happy that we're getting farther and farther from your car."


"I took the train, and wait, I thought you didn't live here anymore. Hold on, are you really invited to this wedding?" Jun asked. "Why the hell did Aiba-san--"


"Yes, I'm invited. You, however, won't be attending."


Nino ignored the part about the apartment, and about Aiba. He was fully prepared to have an epic argument with Aiba about his harmful meddling on this occasion, but not prepared to hear anything bad about him from Jun, of all people.


The driver's voice came on over the intercom. "Greetings, valued guests to, and I quote, The Great Gay Wedding of 2018! Please feel free to enjoy the complimentary champagne, and if you need any help getting into the party mood, there's a button to activate the strobe lighting next to the passenger door, right next to the sound system controls which will start the exclusive wedding playlist. Be aware that a miniature disco ball will appear from behind my partition--Toyoda Limousine Service is not liable for any dazzlement you may feel, nor for your overwhelming urge to dance!"


Nino didn't know if it was the partition being up or if the driver had no ability to read the atmosphere, but by the end of her spiel he had his eyes closed against the near-physical pain of the awkwardness she was increasing with every word.


There was silence for a while, then, like the driver might have more terrible things to say, but eventually Nino cautiously opened his eyes. In his peripheral vision he saw Jun lean forward, but although Jun cleared his throat hopefully, Nino refused to look at him.


"Nino," Jun started. "I didn't expect to see you today, but I have been trying to get in touch--"


"Nope." Nino still didn't turn his head. He felt like the inside of his head was a pot on the verge of bubbling over.


"... I've been hoping that I might see you and--"


"I don't care about your hopes," Nino said sharply.


"Nino, please, just let me say, about Las Vegas," Jun tried again, but the words died in the air as Nino finally turned to him and met his eyes with blatant disdain.


"I will leave this car if you don't stop talking. I don't care if I have to do it while we're driving down the highway, I won't be in this car with you if you're saying those things."


Jun was silent for a long moment, his face tense as he read Nino's expression. Then he sighed and sat back in his seat. "I can't say I blame you."


Nino huffed a humorless laugh but didn't deign to speak. If Jun would just shut up, they could get through this ride in silence. Once they arrived the driver could turn around and take Jun home and it'd all be over.


"After all," Jun said, and Nino went rigid at the soft, guilty tone of Jun's voice. "I was the one who--"


"I have amnesia," Nino blurted out. "I have no memory of you, so if you could just shut the hell up that'd be great."


Jun blinked long lashes slowly. "Amnesia...? But you--"


"Amnesia," Nino said firmly, warming to his tactic. "And people trying to talk to me about things I don't remember might actually kill me so you need to just ... not."


Jun had the gall to smile, clearly disbelieving. Nino didn't care what Jun thought as long as he didn't try to talk about the past, so he crossed his arms over his chest and looked out the window past Jun’s head.


Other than a somewhat peeved mid-trip reminder about the disco ball, the rest of the ride passed without anyone talking. Even with the respite of silence, all Nino could see was Jun, Jun looking perfect in his shiny black suit, his hair longer than Nino remembered, and he was there, touchable, if Nino reached out. The dream of Jun was a comfort, but having Jun actually be there was a nightmare.


*


"Please wait," Nino said to the driver. "That one'll be getting back in after a second."


The driver inclined her head, looking confused, but made her way back into the car. Nino figured all she had left to do for the day was drive to the parking area and wait so it probably didn't matter much to her if they were another minute late to the first event of the day.


Nino was standing in front of the enormous, wrought iron gates, open and leading onto a long path and the lushly landscaped estate hosting the wedding. He fixed his eyes on the slightly sparkly gravel and his uncomfortable shoes, felt the breeze on his skin, pleasant on a day that promised to be a little warmer than he'd like, smelled the rose bushes blooming in profusion to either side of the gate, and from far off, in the direction he'd soon be reluctantly walking, he heard what sounded to be a string quartet.


Even while distracting himself by experiencing everything else as intensely as he could, his mind was full with the pressure of Jun's presence.


"So nice to meet you, but this is where we part," he said, turning to Jun and giving a mocking bow.


"Is that so?" Jun said. He straightened the cuffs of his shirt, looking utterly cool and unconcerned. "Don't you need a plus-one?"


Nino smiled tightly. It was unbelievable that he was suffering like this and Jun had already stopped being flustered at all. "I will pick someone up off the street--maybe one of the limo drivers would be interested in the free food. Go on home now, hurry up..."


He trailed off warily because Jun was smiling at him again. It wasn't the kind, generous smile Nino remembered receiving countless times--this smile didn't reach his eyes.


"No, I don't think I will," Jun said. "Aiba-san gave me the invitation, so I have just as much right to be here as you do, and besides, if you have amnesia... then I'm a stranger to you. There's no reason I can't stay."


As he spoke, he pulled the invitation from inside his jacket, the ivory card stock embossed with gold, just like Nino's. Nino's boss had given him two invitations with strict instructions to bring both, because apparently this wasn't the kind of wedding you could just walk into, and Nino had given one to Aiba, who had apparently, in a colossally misguided gesture, passed it on to Jun.


Jun turned it over gracefully between his fingers, and Nino, goaded by Jun's words, made a much less graceful lunge to try and steal it.


Jun yanked it back and smirked. His expression seemed a little sad around the eyes, but he didn't look likely to give up. Nino searched his brain for a way to drive his ex-boyfriend from the premises.


But his aborted grab had left him too close to Jun, and Jun, seeming well aware of his advantage, leaned in with a serious look. Nino froze. It'd been more than a year since they'd touched, and all his body wanted was to give in to the proximity.


"Maybe you'd like to know," Jun murmured. "My name's Matsumoto Jun. I'll be your date today."


Nino's gaze slid helplessly from Jun's full mouth to his beauty spots then back up to his dark eyes. He knew Jun's face better than his own, and even now, it rocked him.


"No," he got out, but it was little more than a whisper, and Jun was already walking away. Not away from the wedding--though with his experience, he should be a pro--but toward the gates and through them, handing his invitation to a professionally uninterested attendant on his way.


"No!" Nino said again, much louder this time, but Jun's long legs were putting distance between them. He didn't stop.


So Nino chased after him down the tree-lined path, shoving his own invitation toward the attendant as he passed. He was intent on Jun's back (his excessively broad shoulders, his perfectly windswept hair) as he maintained his own undignified trot. In his last-ditch desperation he'd given up trying to strategize--he was ready to drag Jun out physically if it came down to it, and in the heat of his anger he might just be able to do it despite Jun's edge in size and strength.


Then a movement past Jun caught his eye. Nino slowed, breath catching with multiplied anxiety. "No," he said once more, his whole heart in the word. Even so, in the very next breath he resigned himself to his horrible fate. He might dislike change, but he'd always been able to adapt when he had to.


"Jun-kun, wait for me," he called sweetly, and watched with some satisfaction as Jun tripped and nearly fell. Nino hurried to catch up, and when he did, he tucked his arm into Jun's with easy familiarity. Even through layers of fabric, touching Jun again made his head go horribly fizzy. He shoved that down as best he could.


He looked up into Jun's stunned eyes, smiled, and hissed quietly, "You are my boyfriend for the day. If you fuck this up for me after everything else, I might just have to kill you. Do you understand?"


Jun's mouth opened, then closed. Realizing he'd probably just blown his already transparent amnesia story, Nino turned a wince into a blink just a little bit too long, then upped the wattage on his smile.


"Do you understand?" he asked again, murder in his tone, but Jun's gaze jerked away from him and settled on something else.


Someone else. Nino spared half a moment to wish the entire planet would go up in flames, then turned toward the person walking toward them from the mansion.


"Ninomiya-kun."


"Such a lovely occasion, isn't it," Nino said, pulling Jun in a little tighter. "Section Chief Takahashi, I'm honored to introduce you to my ... date, Matsumoto Jun."


"So lovely to meet you. Thank you for always taking care of Nino," Jun said, and Nino was both relieved and disappointed to hear that Jun had already assimilated the situation and was going to play along. Nino knew the stakes, of course, so his rational mind was relieved, but part of him had been hoping that Jun would run from the estate screaming.


Instead they strolled arm-in-arm and made small talk with Nino's oafish boss on the way into the mansion, leaving the escape of the limousine far behind them.


*


None of the guests were allowed to take pictures at the all-day event, but to make up for it, the clicking of professional photographers seemed to come from every direction.


Nino sat at the welcome brunch next to his perfect fake boyfriend and listed to himself all the mistakes he'd ever made in his life. It was clear he was paying for something and he didn't remember doing anything huge, so it must be that all his unworthy moments, the little white lies and unkind thoughts, had added up to present him with this, the worst day of his life.


... Second worst.


Of course, from the outside it looked like a wonderful day already. He was at a lace-draped table artfully decorated with baby's breath and tiny pink roses. The plate in front of him was edged in gold and covered in fancy food, from a chocolate croissant, an assortment of gleaming fruit, and tiny stacks of mini pancakes each with a picture-perfect raspberry on top.


Jun, seeming far from reluctant in his new role, had already tried to feed Nino one of the raspberries.


There were hundreds of guests at the wedding, all of whom seemed happier to be there than Nino. At their own table, their companions ranged from salarymen to distant family members of one or the other of the grooms. They were all enamored with Nino and Jun--particularly Jun. Nino had heard there were going to be a few other gay couples at the wedding, but it seemed like he and Jun were the only ones among the normal people, though Jun, with his sleek tuxedo and striking features, could easily have blended in with the celebrities. Having their very own gay couple at the Great Gay Wedding of 2018 seemed to fascinate the table. Nino smiled and laughed where appropriate, but left most of the speaking to Jun. So far, Jun hadn't broken out any of their actual relationship stories, but Nino had picked out a utensil to threaten him with if he seemed tempted. (The sterling silver serving fork within arm's reach seemed to have the most potential for menace, despite the pink ribbon tied around the handle.)


He picked at his food, trying to look happy and in love. If he'd bothered to look at the itinerary on the back of the invitation he would've known the first event was brunch, but of course he hadn't. Instead he was already full from breakfast, and it wasn't like he was a big eater even on an empty stomach. The other guests at the table kept giving him and Jun encouraging looks, like Nino was just holding back out of courtesy, or maybe it wasn't about the food at all--maybe they wanted some sort of public display of affection to brag about to the tables without gay mascots of their own.


"I'm going to the bathroom," Nino muttered. There were some concerned noises, but he pulled himself together enough to flash a winning smile around the table before escaping.


*


Even the bathrooms were opulent. Nino had never seen so many ruffles in his life.


"Are you feeling all right?" came a voice behind him. Jun, of course.


Nino sighed, prepared to leave to try and find another hiding place, but when he turned to go he saw that Jun's solicitous behavior appeared to have been an act--now he was checking the brocade-covered doors, each looking more like they belonged in a high-end brothel than anything involved with toilets.


Nino settled back against the marble slab that housed the sinks and waited. Once it was clear they were alone, Jun turned penetrating eyes on him.


"All right, spit it out. Why am I your fake boyfriend, Nino?"


Nino's first instinct was to say something extremely rude, but the practical part of him actually wanted to get through this horrible day, and for that, he needed Jun's help. He loathed that he needed Jun's help.


He said curtly, "I was instructed to come and to bring a date. A male date, of course--we're here to advertise my company's tolerance and inclusion."


"And who was supposed to be here with--ah. Aiba-san, of course."


"Aiba-chan, of course," Nino confirmed bitterly. He was sure that Aiba had a good reason for inflicting Jun on him, because Aiba's intentions were always good, but if anyone should know how much Nino didn't want to see Jun, it was Aiba.


Even with how much Nino didn’t want to spend a day with Jun, though, he wasn’t planning to run away. After all, while his boss might have only had empty threats in his arsenal, his assistant, the shark, had known exactly what to say to get Nino to agree. Her boss had seemed bewildered when she offered him a promotion, which she managed with the manipulation skills of a master to make it something he’d get only if he didn’t go to the wedding, but she’d known exactly what she was doing.


The next job up from Nino’s had features such as management meetings, direct report employees, and mandatory overtime. Others in his position would do anything to get it, but all Nino cared about was that it would quadruple his stress levels and ruin his comfortable life.


Even a full day with Jun was a lesser evil.


Jun, it seemed, took Nino having been ordered to do it as reason enough. Already he seemed to be taking it in his own meticulous way, nodding slowly with his thoughts turned inward.


At last he mused aloud, "We have a lot to get through today, but I think we can make it. After brunch come the welcome toasts, and then we'll all go outside--"


"Wait, you actually read the itinerary?"


Jun looked at him like he'd lost his mind. "Didn't you?"


Nino twisted his hands together and looked away from Jun's familiar face. It actually helped when Jun was being a jerk, or even when he was trying to talk about the past, because Jun just being there, being normal, was way more dangerous. Of course he knew he'd missed Jun, but he hadn't realized just how much it would hurt to see him again, and even less, he wouldn't have guessed that the pain would be mixed with desperate happiness.


He could feel Jun looking at him. No doubt he was trying to figure out what was going on inside Nino's head.


Eventually, like he thought it might be what Nino needed to hear, Jun said, "We'll get through this."


Nino thought, There's no 'we.'


"You can trust me."


This time, Nino laughed aloud.


"I'll rephrase," Jun said deliberately. Nino bet nobody else could've heard the hurt in Jun's voice, but it was audible to him. "You can trust me to help you through this day. You... you keep the amnesia, and I'll be your boyfriend. Whatever you need, I'll do it."


"What I needed was for you to leave when I told you to," Nino said, but he rolled his shoulders afterward like he was getting ready for a battle, then shrugged and met Jun's eyes. "Fine. I have amnesia, and you're my fake boyfriend. Let's just get through this."


Jun nodded. "Together."


He really could be entirely too earnest. Nino bit his lip against a retort, but on the inside, part of him was happy. Letting himself be happy to to hear that Jun was on his side wasn't an option, but he decided to pretend, to himself more than anyone, that this day didn't hurt. It likely wasn't a healthy choice, but he didn't want to be anguished about something he couldn't change, at least not until he was safely home and could stew in privacy. The day would be endless, but it might go a little quicker if he just ... repressed.


Jun was his boyfriend for now, but afterward they'd never have to see each other again. Without a better choice, Nino decided he could work with that.


*


Every time Nino thought the day couldn't get worse, it surprised him.


The welcome speeches had felt endless, but Nino would gladly live through them again if it meant escaping from this.


"What a good boy," Jun said next to him, delight apparent in every crooning syllable.


"The friend of my enemy is my enemy," Nino said for Jun's ears only, and was surprised that Jun just grinned at him. It did bad things to his heart, honestly, which was already suffering from the giant beast looking at him warily from one over-large eye.


"The horseback riding was marked optional," Jun said distractedly, already reaching out to touch the monster's velvety nose. Nino rolled his eyes and tried not to smile. Jun might be a sucker, but Nino could see past the sleek body and glossy mane, all the way to the sharp teeth and crushing hooves of something that, even if he could get up there, would basically be like riding a skyscraper. He’d already seen that there were people in the distance on their own skyscrapers, suggesting rich people had no survival instincts.


He gazed toward the crowds of people doing various celebratory activities in order to look away from Jun, knowing he shouldn't witness Jun being so cute with the very patient horse, but after a few seconds he accidentally locked eyes with his boss.


"Crap," he muttered, even as he smiled and waved.


His boss smiled back, then pointed at the horse in a clear command. Nino could just imagine the picture in his boss's head of them atop the beast together while the wedding photographers zeroed in on them like vultures.


He feigned confusion as best he could, but when his boss started in their direction with a martial light in his eye, Nino caved.


"We have to get on the horse."


Jun looked from the horse's face to Nino's. "But you're terrified, right?"


"Terrified is a strong word," Nino scoffed. He sneaked another look at the fifty-foot tall animal and went pale. "A strong and accurate word, but I can't take another conversation with my boss."


"Somebody should really do something about him," Jun sighed, but he approached the attendant holding the horse's rope and smiled at him. Before Nino could prepare himself, Jun had a foot in the stirrups, and the second after that he was flying up through the air and landing with a winded oof in the saddle.


"And this is how I die," Nino said to himself, wondering how he was supposed to get his foot into the stirrup. Didn't they make any horses for short people?


He was about to go for it, figuring that if he broke something he'd at least get to miss the rest of the festivities, when the attendant approached him and cleared his throat.


"Matsumoto-san indicated you'd like to hold the lead rope?"


Nino blinked at the offered rope. "Down here I'll just get stepped on," he said, only half under his breath, but the attendant actually smiled.


"He asked if it gets any longer, so I let it out to its full length. You'll be well out of range of Akashi's hooves. He's a lamb, and he doesn't need leading anyway. You'll do fine together."


Nino doubted that, but he grasped the end of the rope like a lifeline. Somehow he and Jun were off, walking down the sloping green lawn to the cheers of people behind them, and Nino's feet were still securely on the ground.


The lead rope was really quite long, Nino found, but after a while without getting bitten, kicked, or mowed down, he sidled closer to the horse. After a while more of not dying, he chanced a look up at Jun.


It was obvious Jun had never been on a horse before, and Nino's eyes crinkled when he saw both Jun's hands holding onto the pommel for dear life. At the same time he was absurdly suited to the admittedly majestic beast. It was like he was born to wear a tuxedo and ride a stallion. Probably, in another life, he had been.


"What are you cackling about," Jun called, and Nino rearranged his face to innocence.


"Next comes the first cocktail hour," Jun said. This time Nino could hear the mixture of emotions in his voice--both anxiety and exhilaration. The horse was plodding along as placidly as could be, but Nino couldn't blame Jun for either feeling. If it had been Nino up there, he'd be horizontal with every limb wrapped as far around the horse as it'd go.


"It is literally noon," Nino grumbled, though he was not above the escaping today with a least a bit of alcohol.


"From what Toda-san said at the table, it sounds like they're combining the cocktail hour with the greeting line--you'll be handed your drink by a celebrity, Nino."


"My life's ambition."


As they reached the top of a gentle hill, Nino's eyes widened at what came into view. "Are those...?"


"Oh my god," Jun said, this time clearly sharing Nino's fearful opinion. "There are swans."


"I think they might be mutant swans," Nino whispered. "Look how big they are. Do you think the horse will protect us?"


"Let's go back. Turn Akashi around and let's go back, okay?"


Nino's throat closed up even as he was tempted to laugh. "You turn the horse around, you've got reins even if you’re not holding them. Unless you think it understands voice commands? Alexa?"


"You are holding a rope attached to the horse. Just walk back toward the house and he'll follow."


Nino complied with this request, but he wasn't above having a bit more fun, despite his healthy fear of swans. "There's no time. Let me up there with you, Jun-kun, and we can wait them out."


Jun didn't play along. He was probably too busy trying to hold on while the horse made its lazy turn toward home. When they were aimed back toward the rest of the guests, though, Jun said, "No one calls me that but you."


"I have a lot more escape options than I did in the limo," Nino said, but it lacked the bite he wanted.


It was more evidence that being around Jun was making him forget how much Jun had hurt him, and knowing it was only for a day meant he hardly even cared if he did forget. Jun's betrayal wouldn't disappear because he forgot just a little bit, just for today.


Still, he couldn't let Jun think he could say whatever he wanted, so he added, "I could drop the rope and leave you for the swans, you know."


"If you ran, they'd probably chase you," Jun said mischievously. Startled, Nino laughed.


Afterward, still smiling, there was a thoughtless moment where he enjoyed the scenery, the beautiful day, and not being on top of a horse.


"I've missed your laugh, too," Jun said, but that was way too far beyond what was acceptable, so Nino cut him off.


"It's rude to try to reminisce with a person who has amnesia. Try for a little tact, hm, Jun-kun?"


Jun was quiet for a bit, then mustered up a weak joke. "Tact won't save us from the swans."


"Let's be honest," Nino deadpanned. "Nothing will."


*


"And this is my date, Higashiyama Entertainment's Ninomiya Kazunari. We're honored to be here to witness your happy day."


Nino nodded and smiled. It was beyond weird to be standing just a few feet from two real-life celebrities, especially when he was at their wedding.


All the same, he could hear his mom's voice in his ear telling him he had to say something, so he managed, "Your home is lovely."


"Isn't it? It's not ours, though; we just rented it for the day." It looked like the older groom, Tsukada, was tempted to laugh.


Jun smoothed this over easily. "There's nothing we can give you that matches the magnitude of the occasion, but we were wondering if you would do us the favor of commemorating it with us, with a drink?"


He held up a glass of champagne demonstratively, and Nino follow suit, not sure what Jun was going for. As soon as Nino lifted his arm, Jun twined their arms together for a couple's drink.


The younger half of the couple laughed, and the older actor smiled indulgently. "Why not," he said, picking up his own glass of champagne, and the grooms linked their arms in a mirror action.


Nino was distracted from the ludicrousness of the situation for a second when he noticed that there were gold flecks floating in the champagne, and then all four of them were drinking. Nino just took a sip at first, but he saw out of the corner of his eye that he was supposed to be drinking it all and hastily followed Jun's example.


It took him longer than it took Jun, and he had time to think, Jun feels bigger than he used to... before he finally got the last swallow down.


"That was fun!" the younger groom said, grinning. This variety show talent, known to everyone only as Riku, had a catching enthusiasm. "Make sure you both enjoy the rest of the events, okay?"


"Really, thank you for coming," his husband-to-be said, resting his hand on the small of his partner's back. For a moment, the couple looked at each other, and everyone else crowding around seemed to fall away.


They were really in love, Nino thought, and wasn't sure why he was startled. Wasn't that why most people got married? Wasn't it because they were in love?


He looked back at Jun consideringly, and only then realized he still had his arm hooked around Jun's. He pulled away, face reddening, then frowned harder when he saw his boss, down the line of guests, giving him a thumbs-up.


"Thank you very much," he said to the grooms, and he took Jun's hand and hustled him away.


After a while, Jun said, "Where are we going," and his voice was low and amused.


"I just can't see that guy's face for a while," Nino said. He slowed his pace but didn't bother letting go of Jun's hand--it was the easiest way to be a couple in everyone's eyes, and besides, Jun's hand was comfortable, warm and sturdy in a way Nino had always liked…


"The champagne's going to my head," he said abruptly. How could it possibly be so easy for touching Jun again to feel right?


"That's okay" Jun said, giving Nino's hand a squeeze. "Why don't we find somewhere to sit down? I think that couple's drink will get your boss off our backs for the time being, so we should be good."


"Thank you for that," Nino said. He pressed his lips together, tempted to take it back or make it a joke, then blurted out instead, "And for the horse. I really didn't want to get on that horse."


Jun bumped into him companionably, and Nino's head spun from more than the expensive alcohol. This was Jun. God, he'd missed him so much.


"Why did you leave me?" he asked before he could stop himself, and the slight swinging of their linked hands went still. "No, I take it back. I have amnesia, don't you dare say anything."


Jun took a deep breath, then squeezed Nino's hand again. "All right. Now, I assume you don't want to play lawn games? I see ring toss, croquet, some kind of bowling..."


Nino didn't trust himself to speak, but he shook his head fiercely. Then he was dizzy and had to close his eyes, and Jun's hand was the only thing anchoring him to reality as the world spun, and Jun was saying something but he couldn't make out what.


"... where the hell are all the benches..." came Jun's annoyed voice, and Nino squinted his eyes open to smile at him blearily. It seemed like Jun was really there...


A few hazy minutes later, Nino came back to himself to find he was sitting a chair somewhat closer to the ground than usual. There was still warm pressure around his right hand, so he looked to that side and found his date, at the same level on the weirdly short chairs, staring down at something with unexpected focus.


"What're we doing," Nino mumbled.


Jun bit his lip in concentration for a few seconds, then said, "Coloring. It's the only thing out here that has any fucking chairs."


Nino blinked slowly, then peered down at Jun's hands. He really was coloring. "Is that a penis?"


Jun nodded. "I think the theme of the pictures provided for coloring might explain why there are no kids at this kid-sized table. This page was the least outrageous."


"That's delightful," Nino pronounced. "This is my new favorite place here."


Jun put the finishing touch to a rainbow-colored testicle before looking over at Nino and grinning.


Nino felt dizzy again, his eyes fixed on Jun's beautiful face. "I need water," he whined.


"I'll get you some. I'll need my hand for a bit, though."


After a second, Nino let go. Realizing his reluctance must have shown, he pulled Jun's coloring sheet over to inspect it rather than meeting Jun's searching look. By the time Jun got back with a ridiculous crystal goblet filled with water that smelled like ... pomegranates? Nino was half-heartedly coloring in the other testicle.


Jun worked on his picture for a while longer as Nino drank his water. Nino had just finished the glass when his boss found them.


"Ninomiya-kun," his boss said pleasantly. "Here you are. Matsumoto-san, so nice to see you again. I admit I was hoping to see you both more in proximity to the other guests?" He bent a meaningful glare at Nino, still smiling.


Nino sighed and got ready to stand up, but Jun asked bluntly, "Do you have any recommendations? We'd be happy to fulfill your expectations, if we knew them--and if you gave us a little space while we did it."


Takahashi squinted at Jun like he'd forgotten Nino's date was an actual person who could speak.


"Space?" he repeated, and the corners of his mouth turned down. But he continued jovially, "Of course, romance does need space. How about going to admire the ice sculptures next? Our clients--the couple of the day--are admiring them now, so they must be worth seeing. After that... ah, I haven't seen your pictures up on the board, Ninomiya-kun, Matsumoto-san! You absolutely must get some pictures in the photo booth to add to the collection." He turned his eyes to Nino and narrowed them. "Some good ones, I trust?"


Jun said only, "Space," and smiled in a way that was borderline offensive.


"Thank you, sir," Nino got out. He was starting to sober up and it was more unpleasant than he'd expected. "The day has been so perfect already that I needed a short break, but now ice sculptures sound wonderful."


*


Nino had hoped that the ice sculptures might be explicit as well, but he was disappointed.


"Another swan," he moaned, pleased when Jun chuckled. "And is that a peacock, hardly any nicer. Why don't they just have the guests be chased by geese and be done with it."


"That might be entertaining if we didn't have to participate."


Nino caught sight of the grooms. He lifted his empty goblet to them, having kept it to ward off drink-carrying waiters, and they smiled and nodded. Jun turned and smiled as well, then walked over to them boldly. He was holding Nino's hand again, so Nino went too, but he wasn't all that reluctant--of all the people at the wedding the grooms might be the ones he disliked the least.


"Your sculptures are lovely," Nino said politely, trying not to wince when the next one he saw was a distressingly enormous seahorse.


Jun put in, "I'd recognize the detail on that seahorse anywhere. Did you commission these sculptures from Ohno-sensei?"


"You know him?" the actor asked, expression warming.


"I have several pieces from him in my gallery. I'm hoping to convince him to do another solo exhibit soon, if he can stop fishing long enough to finish that much work."


Nino met the variety talent's eyes and was surprised to find a lost look on his face that must be an echo of Nino's own--Nino didn't know anything about art.


"I really enjoyed your coloring table," he said impulsively, and Riku's eyes immediately sparkled.


"See, Tomo-san," he said playfully. "He enjoyed the coloring table."


"I'm so glad," was the dry reply. "It's better than some media spy finding it and spreading rumors that all gay men care about is genitalia." Here he scrunched up his nose at Nino.


Nino snickered.


"Tell me more about your gallery," Tsukada said, turning back to Jun. "Do you have a business card with you...?"


"Tomo-san," his partner said chidingly, "Not at our wedding."


Jun bowed courteously. "I'm not here to network, I'm here to celebrate with you. Please enjoy your special day."


"I'll have my people call your people!" Tsukada called over his shoulder as he was pulled away.


"I think, in this one context only, that I'm your people," Nino sighed. Jun smiled as they started to move toward the photo booth.


"I would be grateful if you'd help him find me, should his people call."


Nino hesitated, then asked, "So the gallery you wanted to start... you did it?"


Jun swung their hands between them, smiling smugly. "I did. It could still fail, but there's a real chance that it might not."


"You'll make it work," Nino said, and the look Jun turned on him then made him feel like he'd had another glass of champagne. He really shouldn't let Jun look at him that way. What was he doing complimenting Jun in the first place? It felt horribly right for this moment, but his future self--even just his self of the next day--was sure to disagree vehemently.


Thinking about how he might regret today would lead him down a dark path, though, one that wouldn't let him pretend any longer, so he said hastily, "There's the photo board," and pointed to their next destination.


"Ah, you're right." Not seeming to notice Nino's momentary failure to repress, Jun steered them over to it.


It was a gaudily decorated wall with crystal-topped push pins holding the photographs guests had taken. Amid all the glitz and glamour of a celebrity wedding, Nino was amused to see that there was no rich people equivalent for photo booth pictures--they were still the same strips of four pictures in a row, arranged around the flower-festooned board like there were people peering out of the foliage and smiling at them as they walked past.


With his free hand, Nino made a guts pose. "We've got this."


Jun hesitated. "Is your boss going to look at the pictures, or can we just be normal?"


Nino couldn't help it: he laughed. "What's normal for us? I'm at a celebrity wedding with someone who, despite my amnesia, I suspect to be a devastating betrayer. We don't have normal anymore, Jun-kun."


He thought Jun might pull away, but after an instant, Jun leaned closer. "Maybe don't write that in the guest book."


Nino fought back a shiver at Jun's closeness and just rolled his eyes. "Are we doing this thing or not?"


They got into line, and it only took about five minutes to make it to the front. A very stern attendant was there, already frowning at them like they were breaking the rules.


"Good day to you," Nino said cheerfully.


She frowned harder. "Going along with the no photograph policy as this event, no guest is allowed to retain the photographs for this booth. Please be aware I will confiscate them upon your emergence."


"Roger that, Kuroki-san," Jun said, not unkindly, and winked at her. Her stern look softened, and Nino would've sworn she was blushing. Thank goodness for name tags in the aid of charm.


"No one can resist you," he teased as they entered the booth, but Jun met his gaze and lifted his eyebrows challengingly.


"Can't they?"


Nino dropped Jun's hand and clapped loudly. "Oh look, we're in a photo booth! Shall we take some pictures?"


For the first picture, they posed back to back with finger guns pointing to the sky. Examining the result, Nino said, "You would've been a good action hero, Jun-kun."


"Here, for the next one," Jun said and opened his arms invitingly. When Nino stared at him suspiciously, he clarified, "Princess carry."


Nino laughed and got into position, managing to make his startled squeak mostly inaudible as Jun scooped him up. He posed with double peace signs, smiling as widely as he could, and the result was a delightfully cheesy image that Nino laughed at until his eyes were teary. (Being so amused made it easier to ignore the sensation of Jun lifting him into the air like it was nothing--had he been spending every day since abandoning Nino working out?)


For the third picture they made a heart, each contributing a hand, and tilted their heads together cozily. It was less funny, but definitely gave a couple aura that would get Takahashi off their backs.


Jun wouldn't tell Nino what he wanted for the fourth picture, just arranged him as he pleased with Nino letting him do it, and Nino ended up facing the camera as the timer counted down, arms outstretched. Jun was just standing normally behind him, not doing anything, but with two seconds to go he came in close and stretched his arms out behind Nino's, his face assuming an air of self-important exhilaration.


"Titanic!" Nino laughed, turning his head, and Jun's composure came to an abrupt end. His face broke into a huge smile, and Nino, seeing it, laughed again, feeling himself light up in response to Jun's exuberance. Jun's eyes found Nino's, and they had a shared moment of happiness--


Ding!


Afterward, Nino examined the photo critically. "We didn't quite get the pose, did we..."


"Not really," Jun conceded, but he reached out his hand and touched the screen softly. Nino got it. It wasn't something he'd say out loud, but even though they'd flubbed the pose (not to mention their relationship), it was the best picture of them they'd ever taken.


When they left the photo booth, Jun stumbled into Nino, who stumbled into the attendant, and Nino and the attendant ended up going down in a heap. After a second, Jun was there to help them up, apologizing, but no amount of his charisma would soothe the attendant this time. She immediately went to the side of the booth and felt for the pictures in the slot, and when she came up with nothing, she glared at Nino and Jun.


"Hand them over, please."


"I'm so sorry," Jun said smoothly. "We decided not to take any."


She narrowed her eyes at him. "That seems like such a wasted opportunity, sir, when you were inside of a photo booth."


Nino stared at Jun. What was he doing?


Jun gave the attendant a lopsided smile. "Oh no, not a waste,” he said, and bent his head toward her engagingly to whisper loudly, "We just made out the whole time."


Her face scarlet, the attendant nodded and shooed them away. She even called after them, "Have a good rest of the day," with a slightly strangled voice. Nino corrected himself--Jun's charm had worked on her again after all.


"What did you do with the pictures?"


"Hm?" Jun said, turning with a look of surprise. "Oh, didn't you see? They didn't come out. I think there was a button at the end when I was trying to add heart-marks and I deleted them all."


Nino didn't completely buy it, but on the other hand, they'd taken the pictures to pacify his boss, so Jun probably wouldn't lie about it. He didn't have a reason to want the pictures anyway, Nino knew.


It was too bad, though. Nino would've liked to see that last picture one more time, peeking out from the flowers on the photo board.


*


On the way into the main hall for the headline event, Nino realized, extremely belatedly, that he was about to witness a wedding.


There was no way it would be anything like his and Jun's, the wedding that wasn't, given his and Jun's supposed day of bliss had been in Las Vegas, with both of them more than a little drunk, and an Elvis impersonator set to officiate. At the same time, the idea of reliving any part of that fateful day had Nino reaching out and snagging another glass of champagne as they milled about the entrance.


"That last one went to our heads pretty quick," Jun said mildly.


"I take it back, don't even try to be tactful," Nino snapped, his personal amnesia slipping hard for a second. "It only pisses me off more."


Though Jun had managed to control his temper most of the day, he couldn’t hide a scowl at this. Nino chugged the champagne instead of admiring the curve of Jun's expressive eyebrows and the way emotion made his eyes snap.


Soon they were crowding into the hall, the champagne nothing but a sour aftertaste in Nino’s mouth. There were two long columns of gilt-edged pews with an actual red carpet down the middle. Flowers were everywhere--peony wreaths on the ends of the pews, garlands of roses across the backs, riotously colorful wildflowers cascading from the unlit chandeliers, and all of the flowers were bathed in natural light from the windows and the skylights far above, aided by cunningly positioned mirrors like doorways reflecting endlessly.


Beside Nino, Jun drew in his breath. "Whoever timed the ceremony with the angle of the light deserves a raise," he muttered. Nino was too distracted by a waiter going by in a discreet whirl and taking his empty glass like a magician to say anything nasty.


Besides, the expensive champagne was already going to his head, and he was feeling a lot more mellow than he had five minutes earlier. He was also relieved to see that nothing in the room reminded him of Las Vegas. Maybe he'd get through the ceremony after all.


A blockbuster actor read a maudlin poem, an event Nino appreciated for its surreal excess, and then the officiator stepped up to the front of the room and began. She was in a sleek silver column of a dress and didn't look like Elvis at all.


But somehow Nino's safety ended there--with one groom waiting at the end of the aisle for the other, because this was where he and Jun hadn't gotten. They hadn't looked at each other from across the chapel and known this was the beginning of a lifetime together. They hadn't had their friends and family witness their union; they hadn't even managed to do it in front of the Elvis and his indeterminately dressed assistant. They hadn't taken each other's hands or spoken words of love or promised anything.


Maybe it was better that way, Nino thought for the first time, the windows spinning around him. If it was going to end in tragedy, it was surely better they hadn't tied the knot first.


Riku walked down the aisle, looking uncharacteristically nervous. Nino saw himself, swaying and hopeful as he waited for Jun to come back with the license. The usually dignified Tsukada smiled like no one was watching, but Nino saw the Elvis, suddenly much less friendly, coming over to tell him that their booked time was up.


He closed his eyes hard, but he still saw his past self in the alley outside the chapel, on his hands and knees vomiting onto the pavement.


He was going to throw up now, in bitter symmetry. He was going to throw up on the polished wood floor, or on the blushing pink of the roses, or on his own pinching shoes.


He was going to throw up on Jun's perfectly fitting tuxedo, where he was suddenly pressed tight to Jun's chest. He struggled weakly, but the arm wrapped tightly around his shoulders didn't allow escape.


Nino whispered miserably, "No, I'm going to be sick."


Jun's free hand came up and carefully stroked Nino's hair off his clammy forehead, then dropped to cover his eyes. The wedding hall and the wedding chapel disappeared together, and all Nino knew was the comfort of Jun, the Jun from before the betrayal, who'd always been able to make Nino feel better.


Jun, who'd made him soup when he was sick, who'd put his fingers down his throat when he'd had too much to drink, who'd held him when his grandfather had died until his shaking had stopped and he'd fallen asleep in Jun's arms.


Nino gave up. He let his last shred of rationality go and pressed himself tighter against Jun's body, breathing him in with a shudder. He didn't smell like flowers, which helped ease the desperate nausea, but he smelled different than he used to. Nino was too sick to tease out the scent, but it was soothing, regardless, in a way he didn't understand.


Protected by Jun, Nino fell into a warm, dizzy darkness, and after a while, he didn't even have to try not to throw up.


*


Nino didn't know how long he was enveloped in Jun. He didn't think he actually slept, but when he finally tapped Jun's hand to move it off his face, opening his eyes felt like waking up.


They were alone in the echoing hall.


"What?" Nino said, his voice scratchy. He hadn't thrown up, but his mouth tasted sour like he had, and even in his confusion he urgently wanted to rinse it out.


"I told the staff you were unbearably moved by the ceremony," Jun said, not stirring from his position even though he must be uncomfortable by this point.


Nino, figuring he'd already lost all chance at saving face, didn't bother shifting away. He felt like he'd run a marathon, though of course he didn't know and didn't want to know how that felt, and really, it was more like he'd been run over by a steamroller.


"Or trampled by swans," he muttered, and Jun made an inquisitive noise.


Nino shook his head. No matter the metaphor, he felt tired and empty, like a hangover without the physical pain.


"Find me an empty bathroom," he asked, but when Jun started to move obligingly, Nino fisted his hand in Jun's jacket and held him where he was. "Find me somewhere where I can rinse out my mouth, and then you're going to say what you have to say about Las Vegas."


He closed his eyes and listened to Jun's breath go unsteady. Then he let himself be helped up, and they left the wedding hall together.


*


As fresh and clean as he was going to get, Nino sat in a plush chair in the ornate lounge Jun had commandeered by virtue of bribing the attendant.


Jun sat opposite him on an identical chair. His gaze was steady on Nino, but his face, in a twist Nino wryly appreciated, had gone so pale that it looked like he might be the one to be sick.


"Tell me what happened," Nino said. "Feel free to omit the apologies."


Jun took a deep breath. "The trip to Vegas wasn't a bonus from my company at the time, like I let you think."


Nino had spent a lot of time in the past year imagining what Jun might say, but he'd never thought the story would start there.


"I maxed out my credit card to get the flights and the hotel room for us, because... because I needed to get away with you. I had to prove we were worth giving up everything."


"What did you have to give up to be with me?" Nino asked, and as much as he'd been trying for neutrality, it came out plaintive.


There was an immediate grimace. "I came out to my parents the week before."


Nino sat up straight in his chair. Jun had been deep in the closet with everyone in his family but his sister for as long as they'd known each other.


Though the look in his eyes was painful to see, Jun went on with his expression smoothed to blankness. "They told me they wouldn't have it, that they'd disown me. They said it was them or you, and they... they said they were going to go talk to my boss if I didn't give up my deviant relationship, to let her know just who she was employing. And I told them that I chose you."


"And the only logical choice was to take me on a whirlwind trip to Vegas?" Nino said, trying to move the story along to a part that left him feeling less like he needed to find and crush Jun's parents.


"I chose you," Jun repeated. "But even though you meant more to me than anything, the whole trip was just me running away, because--do you, have you ever felt like you might lose your family? I couldn't let myself think about the choice, so I ran, and I took you with me. I tried to make it something I couldn't undo. I guess I felt like if we got married, I wouldn't regret what I gave up."


"Choosing me didn't last very long, did it," Nino said, but the edge wasn't there. He would never in a million years have told Jun to give up his family. Why had Jun decided all this by himself, when Nino might've helped?


"I got a text from my sister when I was picking up the license. She said our parents were taking a hard line to try to scare me into giving you up. When I told her what we were doing... she said that calling their bluff like that might make it real. She begged me to come home and try again, that she'd be by my side. That even if our parents were being disgusting right then, we were family."


They were at a point in the narrative where Nino's sympathy was about to disappear. "So you came to the chapel and explained everything," he prompted, blandly cruel.


Jun's pale face flushed hot at once. "I know what I should have done, Nino. But I knew if I saw you again, that yellow corsage in your hideous Hawaiian shirt and those rings we got from the shitty gift shop... Nino, one look at your face, and I was going to choose you, and we were going to get married, but--"


"But, allowing everything you've said to be true," Nino interrupted, "It would've meant giving up your family."


Jun looked at the shaggy carpet, which Nino, despite himself, noticed then was a particularly ugly mauve. As much as he still hated it, to Nino everything Jun had said up until then made at least a certain kind of sense.


"Finish the story," he commanded quietly.


Jun, like he'd accepted his fate, didn't miss a beat. "I left you there and went back to the hotel to get my stuff, then went right to the airport. I tried to write you a note at the hotel, but there was nothing I could say--or I thought that at the time. Since then I've thought of hundreds of things I might've said that would've been better than nothing. I changed my flight to the next one out and left."


"The end," Nino said, and Jun shrugged helplessly. Nino tapped a finger on his chin thoughtfully until Jun looked up with a confusion expression. Nino continued slowly, "Or was it? Wasn't there more to the story, Jun-kun?"


Jun stared at him. After a moment, he said, "I... well, I sobered up on the plane, and back home I went back to the airport when your flight got in, but I must have missed you, somehow, and then... well, you know, you disappeared? You wouldn't answer the phone, and eventually the number stopped working; I kept trying your apartment but eventually someone else answered the door and said you'd moved out. I didn't have contact information for any of your friends, and when I tried your company, the person at the desk said you'd been transferred to another location. I didn't have any way to get in touch until I ran into Toma the other day and remembered he knew Aiba-san, too, and--is that what you wanted me to say? Or do you want to know what I said to Aiba-san?"


Nino really had changed his phone number, but otherwise he'd just pretended to disappear. He'd bribed a friend from college Jun had never met to pretend to be the "new" tenant of his place, and he'd told all the receptionists at his job that he had a stalker who looked just like Jun. One of them must have lied on his behalf.


But instead of saying any of that, Nino just shook his head. He was going to say the real ending of the story, because they needed to get everything out between them and Jun clearly didn't know. At the same time, seeing Jun like this, hearing why he'd made the horrible choices he'd made, Nino didn't much care about his grudge anymore. He'd always thought he'd rub Jun's nose in every mistake he'd ever made, given the chance and enough composure to pull it off, but here he was, and all he felt was sad.


"When you said you left me there, it was a little more literal." After a pause, Nino sighed and let it out. "After the Elvis kicked me out, I was pretty sick, and when I finally made it back to the hotel your stuff was gone... well, I got through that night, but the next day I went to catch my flight, and I didn't have one."


Jun leaned forward, handsome face thoroughly confused. "You ... missed your flight?"


"No," Nino said patiently. "I didn't have one. I always thought you did it on purpose, but, anyway, you changed both our flights, so I didn't have any way home. I didn't have enough money with me to get another one, and my credit card was declined, probably because I hadn't told my bank where I was going. You took the only phone charger I had... so between money problems and communication problems and not being in a good place to deal with any of it, I was stranded in the airport for three days before I managed to get home."


Nino had never seen Jun's eyes so wide.


"You... but... how could that even..."


"That would be your cue to apologize."


"Apologizing isn't enough!" Jun burst out, and Nino couldn't help laughing.


"Of course it's not, but here we are, and I've decided--" He stopped, breath hitching, as he realized what he was about to say was the truth. "I've decided I’m going to forgive you."


Jun shook his head. "You can't. I am so sorry. Oh my god, I left you there."


"It's impossible," Nino agreed, his mood lifting suddenly. "But it's true. You don't deserve it, and your parents don't deserve you, and I definitely don't deserve this hell of a wedding, but I'm forgiving you anyway. It's the only thing I have left to do."


Jun tore his horrified gaze from Nino's face and checked his watch with movements like a zombie. "Actually, we still have multiple events left to go, including dancing, more drinks, the big sendoff, and it said there’s an after-party, but I think that’s just for the--"


"Right. Shall we, then?"


Jun didn't move. "You... forgive me?"


"I think I do," Nino said calmly. "But you know, this is it for us, today. I can forgive you so hard I reach nirvana but there's no way we could ever go back. You know that, right?"


There was a long silence as Nino held Jun's eyes. Finally, Jun lowered his head in acknowledgement. "I understand."


In the midst of his serene forgiveness, Nino felt a pang of disappointment. He decided it was just that he'd hoped that Jun would fight for him or something before the inevitable conclusion.


He forced himself to smile anyway. "Smashing! Now, I'm beyond ready to leave this hideous lounge. Do you need me to wait outside a minute while you commune with the carpet?"


Jun stood up and offered Nino his hand. "No, let's get back. We only have a few more hours before it's all over."


Jun's change of tune about the rest of the wedding made Nino's breath catch. He understood the shift: suddenly he didn't want the wedding to end either.


He took Jun's hand and stood, then didn't let go. There might not be any future for them, but they still had this ridiculous wedding, and Nino planned to see it through to the finale.


*


Nino didn't know what events they'd missed and he didn't care. Staff directed them to the ballroom where brunch had been held, but this time there was an open space in the middle for dancing. At their assigned table to the side of the dance floor were the same guests who'd been with them at brunch an eon ago.


To Nino's surprise, when he made an effort, none of the people at the table were the tedious, exploitative trolls he'd imagined them to be earlier. In fact, some of them were rather nice.


He found himself laughing along with their anecdotes, questioning them as to their hobbies, and when they asked him about himself, he told the truth.


Well, most of the truth. What he no longer had with Jun was nobody's business but his and Jun's.


The first time Jun asked him to dance, Nino palmed him off on the vivacious older lady who'd started calling him dearie. When Jun got back, breathless and red-faced from laughing, he took Nino's drink order.


He returned with an enormous glass of water and the news that there was a dinner buffet on the other side of the room.


"How dare you even mention that to me," Nino said, clutching his stomach in remembered nausea.


Jun grinned at him. "I figured," he said, and held out the hand he'd had behind his back. He was holding two bland-looking rolls. "This was the only thing they had that looked--"


"Cheap," Nino breathed. "And completely boring. I'll take them, thank you."


"How did you two meet?" said Jun's dance partner, Matsuda, coming back to the table with a full plate of lavish-looking food.


From habit, Nino eyed a serving fork in case Jun started to tell personal stories, but he decided there was no need for it.


He answered before Jun could.


"We met on a plane, actually." Beside Nino, Jun went still. "I didn't even notice him before falling asleep, but when the announcement came that we were nearing the airport, I woke up and looked over and saw him. He was looking at me and it was creepy."


"Hey," Jun protested. "It was not!"


"So creepy," Nino reiterated. "Like an idol on the cover of a magazine, but with eyes that follow you around. I didn't feel like talking to some beautiful stranger, so I told him I thought I might throw up, but instead of being grossed out and leaving me alone, he took care of me."


The older lady made a charmed noise. "But you weren't really sick, right?"


"Of course not," Nino scoffed. "This superhuman body of mine has never felt a moment of unease, as I'm sure you can tell, Matsuda-san. But when you make a ploy to get someone to leave you alone and then realize you don't want them to, your only option is to play along, right?"


"Hold on," Jun interrupted belatedly. "You weren't really sick?!"


"Oh, I was sick. Sick with love for you," Nino said grandly.


"And then, what next?" Matsuda pressed.


"We ended up exchanging numbers, and when we were about to go our separate ways, he asked if I was seeing anyone. Actually, what he said was, 'Do you have a girlfriend... or?' and that is when I knew our love was true. No one who tried so hard to be smooth and failed so completely could do anything but win me over."


"We were together two years, and here you go ruining our first meeting in two minutes," Jun grumbled.


Nino smoothed over the past tense by saying, "Nothing's really ruined though, right, Jun-kun? I mean, all our memories are there, as-is..."


Jun grumbled a moment longer, then caught up to Nino's meaning. It took him a minute, but he said carefully, "But it's ruined, don't you think? How could it not be?"


Nino shrugged. "Maybe nothing's ruined. Maybe it's just ... in the past."


"Wait, what are we talking about now?" Matsuda said absently, eyeing her next bite of fish.


"Our past love," Nino said majestically. "We made a lot of mistakes, but it was a good one while it lasted."


From one side, Jun stared at him, while from the other, Matsuda blinked at him owlishly, her mouth full of fish.


Nino answered her question before she managed to ask it. "No, we're not breaking up right this second. Though that'd be a story to tell your friends!"


Jun stood up abruptly. "Nino."


Nino looked up at him. "Hm?"


"Dance with me."


Nino had already said no once, but this time, he hesitated. He still had a sense that he shouldn't let himself get too close to Jun again if he could help it, given his physical and emotional weakness to him, but when it came down to it, closeness couldn't hurt anything at this point. They'd had it out, and now they both knew exactly where they stood.


Besides, Nino had always enjoyed dancing with Jun.


He held out his hand officiously, and Jun took it, pulling him up from his chair and out to the dance floor.


As they made their way to a free spot, Nino registered the many couples swaying around them to the slow, romantic song playing. He smiled softly. This was the perfect setting for their last dance.


All at once, the music stopped. A loud voice called from the DJ table, "Good evening ladies and gentlemen!"


"It's 4:30," Jun said automatically, sounding almost offended by the error, but Nino was too surprised by the sudden loss of his perfect setting to appreciate how very Jun Jun had just been.


"Let's get this party started! Lift your voices and call it out: S・H・O," the DJ continued, and now Nino could see past the glare to the person who'd interrupted his moment. If he could believe his eyes, DJ S・H・O had on two layers of outerwear, both of which had hoods, but no shirt. Not only was he wearing sunglasses indoors in a dimly lit room, they were the Venetian blind kind of shades that Nino didn't think even Jun could pull off, though he'd love to see Jun try.


After a while of trying for more than the half-hearted response to his calls to spell his name, the DJ faded into his first track. It was neither slow nor romantic, and Nino frowned, but when he turned to his date, Jun was grinning at him.


"Let's dance," Jun called over the music, and Nino, startled into forgetting his grievance, felt the thumping beat push through his body demandingly. He found he was grinning back, and then they were dancing, not because they had to in order to be seen as a couple, but just because they wanted to.


*


It was a full hour later when the newly married couple was finally announced. Nino was exhilarated and a little sweaty, having danced with Jun to just about every song since they'd started.


DJ S・H・O might lack in timing, not to mention fashion sense, but Nino was ready to admit he was exceptional at getting people moving.


"I'll be right back," Jun whispered in Nino's ear, and Nino nodded, wondering distractedly how he could dance with Jun for ages and still feel like shivering at the feel of Jun's breath on his skin.


He found his seat in time to sit and clap with everyone else for the men of the hour as they walked out onto the deserted dance floor.


"Before the husbands take their turn to dance," the DJ said solemnly, "Let's first hear from those who know them best. Everybody, give it up for the best man!"


Nino clapped again, this time a little less enthusiastically. It felt good to sit down, but he was tired, and just as he had to settle in for the endless toasts he realized he was ravenously hungry.


"Here you go."


Nino jumped at Jun's voice so close when he didn't expect it, then stared down at the plate that had appeared in front of him. There wasn't anything on it that didn't look delicious--Jun had a lot of practice feeding him. How had Jun known that Nino was going to want to eat after all when Nino hadn't known it himself?


"Go on," Jun said under the cover of riotous laughter at some joke or other in the toast, and he gestured to the food. "No one's looking."


Nino, not quite ready to tuck in, looked around for an empty plate. He found the one Jun had been using and pushed half of his food onto it. As hungry as Nino felt right then, Jun had always overestimated how much he could eat.


He echoed the encouraging gesture of a moment before to Jun's own plate, enjoying the way he could tell Jun's expression was annoyed even with the color-filtered lights moving across it restlessly. He watched until the reluctant smile appeared before he turned his attention to the food.


The toasts flowed around him as he ate with Jun. They were quiet and heartfelt at times, loud and apparently funny at others, but Nino didn't bother to listen closely. There wasn't much time left for him at this wedding and he didn't plan to waste any of it listening to people he didn't care about.


He wondered if Jun knew this was their last meal together. Having the end come out of nowhere like it had with Jun meant he hadn't had to acknowledge any of their last experiences together, because he hadn't known what they were. But now here they were, as if to make up for the lost opportunity to grieve, with only a few more last times before they were done. Even though they weren't talking, Nino simply enjoyed eating with Jun again--from the way he emoted with his whole body when something was particularly delicious to how he offered a bite of whatever had been so good to Nino, as if Nino didn't have the same things on his own plate, too.


As he finished eating, Nino recognized what he'd been feeling for a while now as a deep-seated sense of relief. He thought it was that he was rid of his anger and resentment toward Jun--to love him so much and have it turn to loathing had seemed completely normal for more than a year, but now that the weight of it was lifted, he felt freer and happier than he had in ages.


The toasts were soon over as well, and Nino lifted his water glass for a belated clink with Jun. The DJ announced the first dance of the married couple, and everyone went silent.


Music filled the hall again, this time a ballad, and the throbbing voice of a certain singer's classic take on an old standard made Nino's heart ache before he realized it. For a while he just watched the couple in the spotlight dance, because he was honestly happy for them, but when the song started to wind toward the end he sneaked a look at Jun.


Even in the low lighting, he could see that Jun's eyes were gleaming suspiciously. Instead of looking back to the spotlight, Nino let himself look at Jun without Jun knowing. He was relieved, and he was sad, and he was happy, and he wanted to go home, and he never, ever wanted to leave. He was probably still in love with Jun, even after everything, even though, going forward, it didn't change anything.


When the call came for other couples to join in for the next song, Nino was the one to stand up and offer his hand.


Jun coughed and wiped his eyes like he hadn't just been crying at the wedding reception of strangers. It also felt a bit like he was giving Nino a chance to change his mind, but Nino waited, hand outstretched, until Jun was ready to say yes.


Finally, Jun put his hand in Nino's, and they walked back to the dance floor. It was no longer the place they'd danced and laughed and sweated together. It was a place for Nino to stand in Jun's embrace and sway with him to a love song that wrapped them up together like it'd never let them go. He laid his head on Jun's shoulder and breathed through his emotions, and Jun held him tightly, pulse thudding against Nino's cheek.


The song was over before Nino was ready, and the lights came up to something less dramatic. Nino didn't move away quite yet, but he opened his eyes in preparation for the inevitable.


Like a curse, the first person he saw in the illuminated room was his boss. He was managing to look both approving and a little grossed out, and the only thought Nino spared him was the hope that he'd choke on his piece of cake. Then he closed his eyes again, savoring Jun for just a while longer.


Before he stepped away, the next song came on.


"Ah," Jun said immediately. "Nino, it's our song."


"This is not our song," Nino said just as promptly, looking up at Jun. Somehow Jun was even more devastating with his jacket off and his sleeves rolled up to his forearms. "This was never our song and you know it."


Jun shook his head, a smile in the corners of his mouth. "Nino, you have fake amnesia. You don't get a vote, and this is, now and forever, our song."


Nino groaned, long-suffering. Then he plunked his head down a little harder than came naturally and said, "Fine! Then I guess we'd better dance to it, if you're going to be such a stickler."


"We'd better," Jun agreed, and Nino could feel that amused voice in his bones.


*


The call to assemble outside to send the married couple off came too soon, or maybe too late. Nino felt like he'd been through the wringer. Even though he could tell, with the instinct of trapped and desperate prey, that they were nearing the time when he'd be able to make his escape from this event at last, with every step he took toward that freedom he felt like he was running out of air.


"Kiss him," a hurried voice muttered in his ear, and Nino turned hastily only to see the figure of his boss retreating back into the crowd. He processed the words slowly, his brain not up to its usual quickness after the day he'd had.


Kiss him. Oh.


His boss, instead of seeing the long lines of people to each side of the path as a sendoff for the husbands, saw it as their last opportunity to get in a good impression with their clients, and he wanted that last impression to be a kiss.


Jun, close by Nino's side, didn't appear to have heard. He'd accepted a sparkler from an attendant and was listening intently to the instructions coming over the loudspeaker, like how he participated in this sendoff was of dire importance and he had to get it just right.


Kiss him.


A harried attendant shoved a lit sparkler into Nino's hand. He felt himself holding it, but all that it meant to him was the way it cast its flickering light on Jun's nose, his jaw, his mouth. There was a thundering cheer from the crowd. He and Jun were right to the front of their column of well-wishers, maybe halfway down the line. If he was going to follow his boss's orders, now was the time.


Kiss him.


And god, Nino wanted to. He couldn't pretend, even to himself, that he didn't.


He dropped his sparkler and turned to Jun. His ex-boyfriend was turned toward him in order to see the married couple coming, and he was waving his sparkler in the air in celebration.


Nino rested his hands on Jun's chest, and immediately Jun's wave faltered. He looked down at Nino, eyes huge.


Nino stepped in a little closer. When his intent gaze met Jun's, he forgot how to breathe, but he ignored that, ignored everything but the pull toward Jun. He went up on his toes and brought his face right up to Jun's.


And stopped. His eyes dropped to Jun's mouth, then wrenched back up. He wanted to kiss Jun so badly, just one more time, but they were surrounded by yelling strangers, and his boss was probably watching, and Jun wasn't his to kiss any longer, which he'd surely known already but was only suddenly feeling as an enormous loss.


He bit his lip, hard, and Jun's line of vision dipped down. He looked like he wanted this as much as Nino did, but he also looked... confused.


Nino was confused, too. No matter how much he wanted to kiss Jun, no matter how much he knew he couldn't and wanted an excuse to do it anyway, the idea of doing it on his boss's say-so was repellent. What the hell was he doing?


He smoothed his hands over Jun's chest, just for a moment, as if there were wrinkles in the cloth he wanted to get out. And suddenly he couldn't be there in that crowd a second longer, so he looked up at Jun and tried to smile, then resorted to flailing a hand at him apologetically as he turned and began pushing his way through the throng toward escape.


*


Nino sat at the forgotten coloring table, the glow from the mansion supplementing the fading light of evening. With no one else around, and all the coloring pages taken away, even the undersized table and chairs couldn't detract from the beauty of the scene.


Maybe this was the real perk of being rich, to live somewhere where you could sit outside at sunset and feel like you were in a painting come to life. Nino stared out across the endless green fields to the glowing mountains beyond and didn't think about anything at all.


"There you are."


Jun.


Nino kept his eyes on the scenery as he asked, "Did my boss say anything to you?"


Jun settled down in the next chair over and gazed out at the sunset with an appreciative sigh. "No, but I said something to him."


"What?" Nino's face whipped around. "Am I fired?" As much as his previous irritation with his boss had turned into active dislike, Nino liked his job fairly well, not to mention how it paid him money to do non-stressful work, money that kept him housed, fed, and in games.


"No, but he might be if he doesn't apologize to you on Monday. I heard what he said to you, I just didn't think you'd--well. He's been such an asshole all day, so we had a little chat, and I don't think he'll bother you like this anymore."


Nino just stared at Jun, not understanding. Eventually, Jun turned and smiled.


"I got Riku-san's phone number in the bathroom earlier when you were winded from dancing. I may have exaggerated our connection to your boss just now, but I don't think it was a lie to imply that two contracts with your company might not be renewed if I send word of his skeeviness."


Nino didn't know what to say to this, so he picked out the least important part and fixated on it. "I was not winded from dancing, I just felt like we were monopolizing the party with our moves and, but well, yes, I will forgive your turn of phrase since you..."


"Destroyed him," Jun said smugly. "You should've seen it."


Nino wished he had. It must have been beautiful.


After the sun finally slipped behind the mountains, Jun sighed. "I'm sorry he made you do all this, and that I showed up on top of it. I have some words I'd like to say to Aiba-san..."


Nino laughed faintly. "I have dibs. Still, I'm sure he was trying to help me, though we're going to have to talk about his methods. And you know... I don't regret it. We needed to finish things between us better than we had."


Jun touched a hand to Nino's shoulder hesitantly. "Nino, do you think... I know you said it's impossible, but I have to try--"


"The left at the altar thing maybe," Nino interrupted, keeping his voice calm despite the way his heart was suddenly pumping way too fast. "But stranding me at the airport is truly unforgivable."


He held his breath, forcing down all his leftover feelings, then put on a cheeky smile. After a beat, Jun let out a low chuckle.


But he didn't pull his hand away, and Nino wondered if he'd try one more time. He would just say no again, of course, and he didn't want to hear anything uncomfortable, so he ... he hoped Jun ... but his feelings were too confused to be that neatly sorted, and he had this strange urge to touch Jun back instead of resisting.


He wouldn't, couldn't... right?


In the end, Jun was the one who finally pulled away. "I was trying to find you so that I could apologize, hoping I could make it right. Even after what you said earlier, I thought maybe, with time ... we could try again."


Nino could still feel the warmth of Jun's touch. He didn't allow himself to speak, because, no, after all, he knew what he could do and what he couldn't. He could forgive Jun and be glad of it, but trying again?


He'd always known that he couldn't.


Jun interpreted his silence the way Nino meant it, saying quietly, "The idea of causing you any more pain is impossible. That I got to explain, see you one more time, I'll make that be enough."


Throat constricted, Nino nodded. He choked out, "That's good then," just to be clear, then twisted in his seat to reach his hands out to Jun's chest again.


"We understand each other," he said desperately. "It's over. So let's, just one more time, Jun-kun, the last time..." He felt Jun suck in a breath as he moved in closer, got their faces close enough their noses brushed.


He thought Jun might say no. But then Jun nodded, and Nino didn't waste another moment before kissing him.


They'd kissed so many times--awkward kisses before they really knew each other, nervous kisses the first time they were going to sleep together, sloppy kisses in their desperate need for each other. Sleepy kisses in the morning, lazy kisses before bed, kisses to see each other off for work and kisses to welcome each other home. Drunk kisses in Las Vegas, both of them pretending they knew exactly what they were doing.


This was a kiss to say goodbye, and even with how much it hurt, it was as precious to Nino as any of the others.


*


"Welcome back aboard the party limo! You know the drill: you've got your lights, you've got your music, you've got your dazzling disco ball. Drinks are on the newlyweds, so don't hold back! You'll find your gift bags on the rear seat, right next to your cellular devices, with our thanks for your cooperation. Go on now, there's a whole new playlist for your ride home, just waiting for you to press play!"


Nino put his face in his hands, delighted when Jun laughed. Their driver had a never-say-die spirit that was admirable, but damn, she couldn't pick up on a situation.


After an interval to make sure she was really done, Nino moved his hands so he could look at his date. He didn't hide it, either, just looked at Jun and didn't speak for long minutes.


He figured Jun understood. Besides, Jun was still in that overly perfect suit, a bit crumpled but still skimming lovingly over every one of Jun's curves and angles, and Nino had a lot more internal cursing to do over the thoughts this outfit gave him.


He let himself focus on that and ignored his sadness, as well as the little kernel of panic that he really wasn’t going to see Jun again. He told himself that he was separating his decision from his foolish emotions, because big life choices required logic. It made sense there was some panic from the opposition party.


Jun was looking at him, too, like he was well aware of their time together running out. Nino tried not to meet his eyes, because it made him want to say things, do things, that he knew he wasn't capable of following through on.


The limo slowed and stopped.


Nino's panic jumped up on him so fast his vision went white around the edges. He heard Jun start to say something, then stop. There was a warm touch on his hand, and Nino blinked his eyes back into focus to find Jun very close, but just as quickly Jun was moving away, getting out of the car, closing the door.


He was leaving Nino, again.


The limo started to move.


Wait, this time it was Nino doing the leaving, if anyone. And it was a logical decision: he was doing the leaving because...


"Wait," Nino said out loud, confused.


Nothing changed. He pushed the intercom button and said more loudly, "Wait!"


The driver's irritation was barely masked under her cheerful professionalism. "Sir, I am so sorry, but I have a schedule that needs--"


"I'll listen to the playlist," Nino bargained with only half his attention. Was there a flaw in his logical decision he just wasn't seeing? "I'll put on the strobe lights and be dazzled by the disco ball, just, please, I need a minute."


She was silent for long seconds. Finally: "I don't hear the music."


Hastily, Nino smacked the necessary buttons, and the car flooded with music and light. It also stopped moving, and Nino took a deep breath of relief.


There really was a miniature disco ball, he noticed, then put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands to try to figure out where he'd gone wrong.


He could forgive Jun, but he couldn't be with him. He wasn't capable of it, because ... because he'd known it from the first day, waking up alone in a hotel room in a strange country with a hangover and cheap wedding rings he couldn't bear to touch. Even before he'd found out about his flight, he'd known that this wasn't something he could come back from, that even if, by some unfathomable happenstance, he didn't feel as despairing and angry as he had right then, there was no going all the way back to trust, or to love.


He'd known that fact with certainty every day since then, without questioning it.


Right as he got that far in his furious brainstorming, he playlist moved to the next song. Despite everything, Nino noticed the distinctive touch of a certain DJ in the playlist construction. For a split second he wondered whether he could get a copy of the limo playlists from the driver.


Then something clicked in his brain, and he said again, "Wait." The car still wasn't moving, but it felt like the world was shifting beneath him.


Wait. If his logical decision was based on that knowledge he'd had since day one, what did it mean if maybe that knowledge was wrong?


It would, without question, be hard if he gave being with Jun again a try, with everything they’d been through. But maybe what he could and couldn't do wasn't something that he could figure out with logic. Maybe he was capable of more than he imagined.


Of course, maybe he wasn't. But with his logic failing to provide a compelling counterargument, Nino went with his emotions.


He pushed the intercom button again to thank the driver hurriedly, then grabbed his stuff and got out.


He thought they'd probably only gone a few blocks from where they’d dropped Jun off, so he walked quickly back they way they'd come, heart pounding.


Jun was nowhere to be seen.


Nino cursed, wishing he hadn't deleted Jun's number from his phone, wishing he'd had his epiphany a little fucking sooner so he wouldn't be standing in the middle of the street alone on the verge of crying. He spotted a grandmotherly looking person coming out from just about where he thought the limo might first have stopped, and he rushed over to her.


"Excuse me, ma'am, I am so sorry, but have you seen a man, a little taller than me, wearing a tuxedo, with a face like it's slapping you with how pretty he is, and shoulders... about this wide?" Nino wasn't used to not having control over his words, and later he'd probably be retroactively embarrassed, but right then all he could think was this person might know where I can find Jun.


When he finally stopped talking, though, she just stared at him like he'd lost his mind. Then she held out one wrinkly hand and pointed.


He followed the direction of her hand and saw gleaming mailboxes, an intercom, a list of names and apartment numbers in big blocky writing...


"Thank you so much," he said swiftly, accepting her annoyed hand flap as his due, and ran over to the intercom.


He skimmed down the list frantically, and there, close to the bottom, was Matsumoto Jun, apartment 401.


Nino keyed it in and tried to breathe. He was going to have to use words again pretty soon, and he wanted to manage it a lot better this time.


After a minute of careful breathing, Nino realized that it had been a little too long without an answer.


Maybe it was a different Matsumoto Jun. Maybe it was the right apartment, but Jun had gone somewhere else and wasn't home. Maybe this was a sign it wasn't meant to be--maybe he'd get back together with Jun but it'd hurt too much to be worth it.


Nino ignored his whirling thoughts and focused in on what he wanted.


What he wanted was to see Jun. He pushed the numbers in again. A minute later, he did it again.


By the fifth time, he was starting to lose hope, but then a breathless voice answered, "Yes, hello?"


"Jun," Nino said reflexively. Crap, with all the times he'd pushed the button, he hadn't thought of anything good to say.


After a bit of silence, Jun's voice came through again. "... Nino?"


Maybe instead of good, he'd fall back on honest. "I don't know what to say," Nino admitted.


"I'm coming down."


In less time than Nino would've thought possible, the door was slamming open in front of him and Jun was there.


"I called up five times," Nino said reproachfully. It wasn’t what he’d meant to say.


"I'm sorry? I stopped to talk to a neighbor..." Jun stopped several feet away from him, looking lost. He was still ridiculously pretty in that too-fancy suit.


For lack of a better idea, Nino held out Jun's gift bag. "You forgot your swag."


Jun stepped closer to take it. "Is that why you're here?"


"Maybe? No. It is probably not why I'm here." Nino cast around for something to do that would buy him some time to figure out what to say. Looking around, the first thing he saw that helped at all was a convenience store across the street.


He turned back to Jun. "Buy me some melon bread."


"Excuse me?"


God, his offended face was so cute. Nino bit back a smile.


"Why are you here?"


Nino sniffed. "Are you refusing me?"


"I honestly don't feel capable of refusing you ever again," Jun said, running a hand through his hair. "I probably still have your phone charger somewhere, god."


Nino kept his face imperious, because he wasn't quite ready for full feelings mode and he needed time to prepare himself. When Jun just stared at him, starting to look a little manic around the edges, Nino lifted his eyebrows.


"Well?"


*


Jun bought him the melon bread. Nino waited in the tiny little park down the street, as instructed, and worked on putting his thoughts in order. He hadn’t thought he’d get very far because it still felt like the world was upside-down, but actually, as he was breathing in and out with deliberate concentration, a few things did come to him.


A small package dropped in his lap, then Jun sat down next to him on the bench.


Nino didn't bother opening his melon bread. "If we both had amnesia," he started, but it seemed that Jun had caught up a bit to what might possibly be going on, because he immediately interrupted.


"You can't build a relationship on fake amnesia."


"Ah, by the way, is your family..." Nino said, only now realizing this was probably an important thing to figure out before anything else. It was awful to think that even if he and Jun started to figure things out, other forces might work to keep them apart.


Jun scrubbed a hand down his face, almost smiling. "Actually, they want to meet you."


Nino goggled. "Me?"


"It really sucked for a while, and even now there are moments, but they were really scared when I came out to them and I think they panicked and went further than they meant to."


"That sounds like an excuse." Nino didn’t mean to be harsh, but it was going to be a while before he could think anything but badly of Jun’s parents.


Jun shrugged. "It is. But they're my family, and they're trying. After they started to come around, it all kind of changed abruptly, like, why aren't you dating anyone? when are you going to bring someone home? and those sorts of things, all their instincts the same but in this new direction. Finally I had to explain why I wasn't seeing anyone, and the whole thing came out."


Nino tried to imagine this and couldn't. His family had always been supportive--he'd never felt like he had to hide anything. "I'm glad they're ... I'm glad."


"Well, so I told them about the whole Vegas trip, and they're completely set on apologizing to you. They think they're the only ones who could convince you to take me back."


"That's not true," Nino said immediately, and Jun nodded.


"That's what I told them, but--"


"They're not the only ones who could convince me." Nino felt his cheeks get hot, but he didn't look away from Jun's surprised face.


As he got Nino's meaning, Jun's whole face lit up. But just as quickly his expression clouded over again, making Nino's anxiety spike.


"I don't want to convince you," Jun muttered, almost as if to himself, then met Nino's eyes. "If you'd have me, you're it for me. I can't be with someone who's it for me if they need convincing about it."


Nino wasn't completely sure he wasn't having a heart attack from being too happy. Jun knew him inside and out, all the spiteful bits, the lazy bits, the gross 24 hours of gaming bits, and even knowing all that, he wanted him forever.


"Such a stickler," he complained, grinning. "I accepted your melon bread, didn't I? I bet in some cultures we're married already."


Jun's jaw dropped.


"Too soon for wedding jokes?" Nino said mischievously.


"If you are messing with me, Nino, I swear..."


"I'm messing with you."


Jun looked like he didn't know which way was up. Nino could practically see the confusion swirling around his glossy hair.


Nino leaned in, still smiling. "You're mine to mess with, aren't you?" He pulled back before Jun could answer. It felt right, giving in to Jun again. Actually, it didn’t feel like giving in at all--it felt like maybe they could move on, and do it together.


Jun's nod was uncertain. There was a lot to figure out, but this was enough to start on for Nino. He got out the melon bread, split it in two, and held out half invitingly.


Jun still seemed completely baffled. He was, as always, ridiculously handsome, but he also looked like he wasn't going to catch up any time soon.


Nino sighed. "You need words, don't you."


"Words." Jun's sigh was more of a groan. "Words would really help."


Nino was delighted that even right after Jun asked for clarification, he unconsciously took the melon bread and bit into it. Nino was also not such a generous person that he didn't consider this perfect timing.


"I’ve wanted us to be forever since our first date."


Jun choked, crumbs flying everywhere.


"So let's start over," Nino continued, suppressing a grin. "I expect wooing. I expect romance. I expect copious amounts of sex where you do most of the work."


Jun waved his hands in front of his face. He looked direly in need of air.


"You're not dying, are you," Nino asked critically. "That would not be a good start."


He thumped Jun hard on the back a couple of times, and eventually Jun managed to swallow.


Still, he didn't look like he was going to be able to contribute to the conversation right then, so Nino continued more seriously, though it made him feel a little shy.


"I think we can do better this time, you know? Our headlong romance was wonderful and all, but I didn't realize until later that it kind of consumed my life. I have some good things going right now, and it wouldn't feel good to stop caring about them again because you're around. I don’t know if that makes sense, but maybe we need to do a little more thinking--"


"Probably a little more talking, too," Jun agreed. His eyes were still a little watery, but his tone was sincere. "I like it. I want to hear all about your good things, and I like that we--I mean, we don't have to rush, right?"


Nino smiled. "No. I think with something important, it's okay to be a little bit careful, after all."


Like it had just popped back into his head, Jun asked abruptly, "So you'll meet my parents?"


"Let's take it a little slower than that," Nino laughed. "But if you play your cards right--" Here he winked with terrible lasciviousness. "I might be amenable to the idea."


"Don't put those two ideas together," Jun said, pained, and Nino snickered. "Ah, Nino, you gave me half your melon bread..."


Nino nodded encouragingly. "You're catching up, I'm so proud."


Jun ignored this. "Then you can have half of these," he said, and from his jacket he produced their photo booth pictures from the wedding.


"You little thief!" Nino said approvingly. "I want that one." He pointed without hesitation at the last picture they'd taken.


"How about all three of the others?" Jun bargained.


"That one," Nino insisted. "Since I gave you half the melon bread, I should get to choose."


"I bought it in the first place," Jun started, then sighed. "Fine."


Nino carefully ripped off the best picture and looked at it a long time before tucking it into his wallet. Somehow, just looking at that captured moment in time made him more sure he was making the right choice. As a concession to Jun, he said consolingly, "You can have the other half if you want," and held out the rest of the melon bread.


Jun, clearly holding a grudge about the loss of the best picture, took the melon bread and threw it across the deserted park.


It was all Nino could do not to laugh. As if he were still trying to make it up, he said coaxingly, "Or, here, how about this?" He got out his phone and waved it at Jun meaningfully.


It felt like a dream when Jun lined up obligingly for their first back-together picture, but Nino wasn't so dazed with happiness that he didn't turn at the very last second and kiss Jun on the cheek.


Jun's hand came up unconsciously to cover the spot as Nino peered at the picture. He deemed it acceptable, and promised, "I'll send it to you. ... By the way, just to confirm, um, what's your phone number?"


Jun didn't seem to have recovered from the unexpected intimacy of a moment before. His hand dropped slowly from his cheek as he turned to Nino, and the intent in his eyes made Nino go hot all over.


Nino nodded breathlessly and tilted his face up, and Jun kissed him.


This kiss wasn't to say goodbye; this one was a rediscovery, a welcome back after too long apart, a tentative, wordless promise.


But Jun was still Jun, demanding when he wanted something, and Nino was still Nino, intrinsically weak to Jun. The kiss turned passionate, deep and sweet, and Nino's phone clattered to the bench. He grabbed onto Jun's shoulders, trying to ground them both, but Jun's mouth was addictive, the same taste, the same feel as before, but with a dimension to the touch like they'd both settled down some since the last time and were better matched for it.


Nino was full of good intentions. He'd sat on this bench alone and decided he was in this for the long haul--that they'd learn from past mistakes and go slowly enough to avoid them.


But with Jun under his hands, against his body, claiming his mouth, Nino forgot all about being careful.


In fact, he forgot just about everything but Jun. "Take me upstairs."


Jun pressed another kiss to Nino's mouth. "No."


Nino's eyes flew open. "What do you mean, no!"


Jun kissed him again, slowing it down this time but making it just as thorough. He seemed to think that was an answer, but it was like a switch had been flipped inside Nino--he needed more, needed Jun, and he didn't think he could wait.


When Jun came up for air, Nino complained in a bit of a wheeze, "You said you couldn't refuse me."


"And I won't," Jun promised, voice so low Nino shuddered involuntarily.


"Good," he muttered, pulling Jun back down into a kiss. It took a while, because he was kissing Jun, but eventually he realized they were still sitting on the bench, all of their clothes on, and not going upstairs at all.


"Jun," he managed, "Jun, you said..."


"You said wooing, and you said romance. There was a definite order to your demands," Jun reasoned, even as his gaze tracked heatedly over Nino's face. His mouth was slick and looked even softer than usual, and Nino felt strongly that if they had to stop kissing, it shouldn't be for something as silly as talking, but only to move closer to a bed.


He stared at Jun's mouth intently, shivering at the after-effect of having it on his, and he remembered that mouth in other ways, too, ways he wanted to be reminded of as soon as possible.


Nino thought he was making the right choice, he really did, but that didn’t mean it was easy. Maybe if they were together like that, right now, Nino could forget he was a little afraid.


Watching Nino stare at his mouth, Jun made a wounded noise, and then he gave up the fight. Within a breath, they were kissing again.


It's Jun. He's really here. Nino's thoughts were feverish, and something about that feeling of losing control started to bring reality back to his brain. He's really here, and he's important.


Nino broke away, panting. Jun tried to follow, but when Nino turned his head away, he rested his forehead on Nino's shoulder instead, breathing audibly.


With something important, it's okay to be a little bit careful. Nino meant to do better this time. Not just for the sake of their rekindled relationship: he wanted to take care of himself, because he was the best person to do it. Not being careful, and not taking care of himself, had ended up last time with him ignoring all the warning signs of his boyfriend's last-second trip to Las Vegas, spur of the moment proposal, and embarrassingly drunk wedding.


While he’d be sure not to let supposed logic suppress his true emotions, he would be more careful with himself this time. Jun, too, had said he didn't want to rush.


So Nino breathed through his desire and let himself take comfort in Jun's presence without demanding more. In that moment, with Jun solid against him, he started to realize he really was going to have Jun around as more than just a memory and a dream.


He also realized what the familiar scent he’d gotten from Jun earlier was.


“Jun-kun, have you been using my shampoo?”


Jun chuckled ruefully. “I can’t believe it took you that long to figure it out. You left it in my shower.”


Nino had an obligation to make fun of him, he knew he did, but instead he said impulsively, "Have dinner with me tomorrow. I'll cook you something."


"Since when can you cook?" Jun asked, blunt in their shared frustration, then lifted his head and rephrased, "You learned to cook, really?"


"I did, really," Nino said dryly, and he tilted his head to kiss Jun on the cheek again. "Since I'm going to regret deciding to wait, I'll pour those regrets into my craft."


"Cooking is your craft?" Jun said and laughed that helpless, high-pitched laugh Nino was always proud to get out of him.


"It is," Nino said solemnly. "But even such a noble craft as mine may not be able to handle as many regrets as I am feeling right now."


"I completely understand," Jun said, and Nino couldn't resist pressing their mouths together again just for a second. He wouldn’t say his fear was lessening, but his surety that this was right was only getting stronger.


"Then again," he said softly, keeping their faces very close. "Regrets are a part of any relationship, right? We have to learn to let them go." He kept his face very serious to show that he was messing with Jun again, and Jun didn't miss the cue.


"You're so right," he said, and bit his lip for a second against what looked to be another laugh. "We can really learn from those unfortunate souls with fake amnesia."


Nino, unable to maintain even this short distance any longer, pushed his way right against Jun's body in a wordless demand for a hug. Jun immediately wrapped his arms around Nino and squeezed him tightly.


Nino snuggled in even closer and sighed contently. "I'll remember that, Jun-kun. When did you get so wise?"


"Oh no," Jun said, kissing the top of Nino's head sweetly. "I learned that from you."


Nino smiled.


*


Nino let himself into his apartment around ten. He'd taken a taxi home, which Jun had paid for with the sort of naturally suave gesture that Nino didn't understand but loved, and all the way in the taxi his body had echoed with Jun's touch, his mind with Jun’s words.


He looked in his refrigerator and confirmed to himself what he'd make for breakfast in the morning, then went and took a long, hot bath in his scrupulously clean bathroom.


He did, naturally, have some regrets about not staying the night at Jun's, with all that would have entailed. But when it came down to it, he was happy to be home after a long, confusing, and difficult day. Nino sank back into the comfort of the familiar with a sense of relief.


Still, when he was in his pajamas and about to get into bed, he remembered how he'd woken up that morning, wrapped in the delusion of Jun.


His dreams of Jun had always been vivid, and for a half a second, Nino doubted his memory of the day's events. It had all really happened, right?


But Nino couldn’t have made up Jun on top of the horse, or sitting at the coloring table, or the specific look of him sinking into that plush chair in the lounge. He remembered dancing with him, fast and slow, and kissing him goodbye as the sun set into the mountains.


He remembered them deciding to try again. He remembered they had a date tomorrow, and he'd have to figure out what to cook.


Just as he got into bed, his phone buzzed on the side table.


Jun, of course. Nino pulled the covers up to his chin before reading the message, smiling from ear to ear. There was no denying it: one more good thing had come into his life today.


Being careful was going to take effort, and he was looking forward to all of it. He might go to extreme lengths to avoid stress at work, but when it came to something as important as his relationship with Jun, even if it scared him, Nino would give it everything he had.

Comments

[drarashi93]

Poor Nino! I am glad there was a reason for Jun abandoning him but still, also what a terrible boss. I would still be ready to swing on Aiba if I were Nino. This was really good!

[satoyan]

Yeah, there are definitely some things that still need resolving at the end of this fic! It didn't fit in the story to have Nino and Aiba talking it out, but I would've liked to get it done~ Thank you so much for your comment! ♥