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ninoexchange2013-06-24 01:56 am
nino-mod.livejournal.com) wrote in ninoexchange2013-06-24 01:56 am
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fic for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ylunio (2/2)
For: ylunio
From:icecreamsuki
Part 1
A certain wetness in his cheeks brought him out from his reverie. Dark gray clouds were above him, a tell-tale sign of a foreboding heavy rain. Thunder was heard from afar but he knew it was only a matter of time before heavy rains fell on the site he was seated. He finished packing his things in the nick of time, but the run from the riverbank to the nearest covered shelter was enough to get his clothes wet. The wind was unforgiving as it forced drops of rain diagonally, making the roof above him practically useless. It took only a few minutes before Ohno was drenched, cold and shivering.
As he was hugging himself and rubbing his forearms for whatever meager body heat doing so would provide, he wondered for the umpteenth time why the hell there was no one around. Maybe they figured that today was not a good time to be out and fishing. Perhaps the weather report from the morning news predicted terrible weather, and the old man's hypothesis was accurate after all.
'Just be careful,' he could almost hear Nino's voice right then, as if mocking him and telling him “I told you so.”
He ignored Nino's warning altogether and he regretted it. He felt like a fool. A dumb fool. A stubborn dumb fool.
The rain was still mercilessly pouring, being blown by the equally merciless wind. Luckily, there was a bench under the waiting shelter. It wasn't much but it provided him a place to rest. He decided to just wait for the rain to stop; he had no choice anyway. And Ohno being Ohno, he was able to fall asleep on the narrow bench despite the craziness around him.
He woke up to find his surroundings blanketed in darkness. He stood up, so suddenly that it made him dizzy. One look at his watch made him scramble to his feet. It was already past sunset and he needed to go home.
-=-
Ever since he heard the loud thunder amidst the sound of his game, he had been fidgety on his tracks. It was Nino's day off and it was the most restless of them all.
He told Ohno not to go. It was only when he said it did he realize that it was an impertinent thing to say. Ohno and he were nothing to each other. They were only used-to-be classmates who barely even talked much. And being imposing on Ohno triggered the fisherman’s stubbornness even more.
He had been sitting near the window – the front gate visible from his spot. The Game Over sound effect from his DS had rung several times already for his attention was divided.
‘Is Ohno safe? Where is he?’ – These questions had been plaguing Nino ever since Ohno left, that stubborn old man. Nino realized that he shouldn’t have been vague. He should have explained that the weather forecast was cloudy skies and scattered rain showers. He should have told Ohno to bring an umbrella or any rain gear. However, he zipped his lips and gave up at the last moment.
Nino wasn't ready to show affection to Ohno because he was afraid history would repeat itself. He was terrified of being pushed away once again just like old times. Back in high school, Ohno could match the Arctics with his coldness towards Nino. Ohno avoided him like a plague. He didn’t even meet Nino eye to eye as if he didn’t deserve Ohno’s attention. There was always annoyance – a nasty bite – in Ohno’s words.
Nino had had enough of that. He had been trying to forget but Ohno’s presence made forgetting a tedious task.
Hearing the front gate swing open, Nino hurriedly shuffled away from his spot by the window to slouch lazily on the farthest living room couch. He wanted to project his indifference – to hide the fact that he was anxiously waiting for Ohno to return home.
The front door opened revealing a wet and weary Ohno, tiredly dragging his bag. The pitiful sight crushed Nino’s façade of indifference. His kind-heartedness drove him to go and get a towel for Ohno.
Ohno wordlessly accepted the towel that was shoved to his arms, and went to his room to get changed.
“You’re hungry, aren’t you?” Nino asked the moment Ohno came out of his room, clad with dry everyday clothes, towel-drying his hair.
“Starving,” Ohno said heavily as he sat on the stool facing the kitchen counter.
Nino reheated the food he cooked intended for lunch. “Come eat,” he said hesitantly. To be honest, he expected Ohno to shut him out or drive him away just like old times. Or at least get ignored, for old time’s sake. He expected Ohno to be in a bad mood considering the bad weather and his disastrous fishing endeavour, which was why Nino was surprised when Ohno threw a small smile at him.
“Fried rice, huh?” Ohno said as he tasted his first spoonful of Nino’s cooking.
“Y-yeah.” To say that Nino was taken aback was an understatement. It was like a totally different Ohno Satoshi that was there. Did he have amnesia? Did he hit his head or something?
“I don’t know much about you – the dishes you like and stuff, or if you have changed after all these years, but I guess you can never be wrong with fried rice, huh?” Nino gave a nervous laugh.
As Ohno was eating Nino’s fried rice spoonful after spoonful, he remembered the old man he met earlier that day. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps Nino really cared about him after all. It was obvious that Nino was waiting for him to come home. And he even cooked him food.
He reflected on their conversation and realized that he was treating Nino nicely – well, at least he was not mean any longer. He was treating Nino like he would treat any other person. And then it hit him, wouldn’t things be weird between them if he suddenly treated Nino nicely? Should he just stick to the status quo?
His train of thought was disturbed when he heard a loud rumbling of a stomach nearby. Looking up, he saw Nino’s flushed face that was looking sideways away from him.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Ohno asked, pushing the plate towards Nino who was sitting across him.
“No, it’s okay. I cooked that for you,” Nino’s truthfulness got the better of him. His decision to act cool towards Ohno to avoid getting hurt flew out of the window.
‘I-It tastes good,’ Ohno wanted to say. He gulped. Just the thought of saying a simple, polite compliment got his heart pounding his chest. He almost wanted to stand up and go back to his room, afraid that Nino could hear his heart beat – fast and hard.
“Suit yourself,” Ohno shrugged, unable to say the compliment that was at the tip of his tongue. It was easier to be indifferent after all.
“Yeah,” Nino murmured, as he turned away to wash the dishes – anything to get away from the usual Ohno. ‘Was it wrong for me to expect too much?’ Nino thought.
Yes, perhaps he should just stick to the status quo, Ohno thought as he watched Nino’s retreating back. He didn’t want this weird, awkward feeling. Ohno was scared – scared of what that feeling could lead to. Nino was still the same old Nino he knew – warm and thoughtful. Maybe he should just remain as the same old Ohno as well.
“I’m leaving.”
Ohno was startled by Nino’s sudden announcement. “What?”
“I mean I’m going out,” Nino said picking up his bag in haste. He was flustered by what was happening and he wanted to be alone for a while.
‘It’s late. Where are you going? And are you crazy? It’s raining out there!’ Ohno wanted to say but he felt he wasn’t in the position to pry in other’s business. Stick to the status quo. Stick to the status quo, Ohno repeated to himself as if a mantra. Stick to the status quo. It’s easier that way. Easier.
“Whatever,” Ohno forced himself to say.
“Bye,” Nino said sadly before he closed the door.
Once Nino was out of sight, Ohno leaned his forehead on the wooden table top, repeatedly hitting his head lightly, utterly frustrated with his stupidity.
Ohno wished Nino ate together with him. The food was good, but dinner itself was boring after Nino left. Even though Ohno was already used to eating alone during his life as a nomad, he still felt a little bit lonely. When he was away from home, it was understandable to eat alone because it was inevitable. Now that he was home with people available and always around, eating alone was a lonely affair.
He was thankful for the food, but he was disappointed that Nino left. Well, he couldn’t blame Nino. The man was used to being driven away by the same person who wanted his company now.
In need of something to cheer him up, Ohno went to the nearest convenience store to buy himself his favourite dessert – pudding with caramel syrup.
“Irasshaimase!” Ohno frowned after recognizing who the teller at the counter was. He saw the teller’s furrowed eyebrows. ‘Did he think I stalked him to his workplace?’
“What are you doing here?” their voices overlapped, both with a tone of bewilderment and surprise.
“I came here to buy a pudding. What are you doing here?” Ohno demanded.
The teller merely rolled his eyes at the stupidity of the question. “I work here,” he said simply.
“Why?”
“Doing a graveyard shift in a convenience store pays well, Ohno-san,” he said as he moved from the counter to the shelves to do his regular inventory. “I need money. As soon as I find a place to stay, I’ll move out. I don’t want to bother you. I just didn’t anticipate you’d be home soon.” And then speaking more to himself than to Ohno, “Maybe I can stay at Aiba-kun’s place in the meantime. Or I can sleep in the bakery. There’s a couch there I could use…”
“You can stay,” Ohno suddenly blurted out – loud and with unprecedented determination. “I-I’m sure okaa-san wouldn’t want you to leave.”
Nino looked at him strangely. Was he taking pity on me now? That wasn’t my goal. “But if you want me to leave, there’s nothing I can do. Don’t worry. I’m sure I can move out soon.”
“Don’t go,” Nino looked up in realization that those were the exact same words he threw at Ohno that morning. “Ohno-san, you’re freaking me out.” Where the hell was the cold, emotionless Ohno Satoshi Nino had grown accustomed to?
“Oh-chan.”
“Eh?”
“You used to call me Oh-chan.”
Indeed, Nino used to call him Oh-chan back in high school. He continued calling him Oh-chan even though he was continually given the cold shoulder. He had the illusion that perhaps calling him by a unique nickname could somehow bridge the gap between them.
“That’s right,” Nino replied stiffly as he continued with his inventory, trying to channel out Ohno’s words and presence. “How unusual. Aren’t you feeling sleepy?” Nino was trying to find an excuse to drive Ohno away so he could work in peace.
"Not really. Tell me, why did you choose to work in the bakery?"
“There was a job opening and I needed a job, simple as that,” Nino snapped.
“Why are you flustered?” Ohno teased.
Nino was stunned. “Are you on drugs?” he asked as he gaped disbelievingly at Ohno and his sudden surge of flirtatious actuations. Ohno merely shrugged as he leaned against one of the shelves watching Nino do his job. Nino was uncomfortable with the pair of eyes following his every movement. He could feel the stare boring through the back of his head. He conceded that the only way to get it over with was to give in.
"I used to work as a photographer - a photojournalist to be exact. I liked taking pictures of people. Not studio pictures with fake smiles, fake background and all that editing they do nowadays. They don't capture the true essence of people. It just doesn't feel right. I'd like to take pictures of people in action, in the context of what they normally do - without trying to look pretty for the camera or projecting an image unlike who they truly are,” Nino said.
“Yeah, I remember you used to take pictures a lot back in high school. They were mostly candid though - people in mid-blink appearing ridiculously sleepy, people talking with their mouth full and food spraying everywhere, people drooling in class. They weren't the most flattering photos I've seen,” Ohno said as he sorted through his memory.
“But that's how people actually are!” Nino insisted. “That's the side of people that they try to hide,” Nino was starting to enjoy their conversation. He hadn’t talked to anyone about his passion for photography before.
“Captured. Immortalized. Unflattering,” Ohno said grumpily as he remembered one of the pictures Nino took of him. He tried to forget it, but the word drool triggered his memory.
Nino laughed heartily. “At least you’ll be remembered forever in history. The guy who drooled,” Nino said gesturing in the air as he put a caption to an imaginary portrait of Ohno.
It was when Nino talked about his interest in photography, that they had the longest and easiest conversation. Nino’s words implied unfinished business, a dream yet to be fulfilled. Ohno was unsettled. For an inexplicable reason, he felt a grave foreboding that Nino would be gone soon to pursue that dream.
“I have a favourite photograph in my wallet,” Ohno said, changing the topic to divert his attention from the sudden surge of anxiety. He fished out said photo and showed it to Nino. “I wasn’t the one who took it, though.”
“I know that place! Disney Land, 1993. There was a Disney Musical, right? That’s me with the ice cream!”
Ohno looked at Nino incredulously, like he had just grown 2 heads. He’s got to be kidding.
‘We must be soulmates,’ Nino thought but he strongly restrained himself from saying those words that exuded cheesiness. He'd wish he'd be swallowed by the earth alive if those words ever escaped his mouth. Still, he was sure it was him. It was that same shirt, that same ice cream-stained face.
“Just kidding!” Nino said just to save himself from embarrassment.
“It’s getting late. I’m going home,” Ohno said as he snatched the photo back and headed out without letting Nino say goodbye.
On his walk back home, Ohno had a feeling that what Nino said was real. It was really him with the ice cream. And that they were in the same place at the same time. What were the chances of that? Seriously!
‘We must be soulmates,’ Ohno thought, but he immediately shook his head and dismissed the idea.
-=-
A knock and a swinging of the door revealed Nino wearing a strange expression on his face similar to someone not knowing how to react to a certain situation. He found Ohno sitting on the carpet with full attention on making clay figures of people. He was at the sculpting phase which was the most tedious, so Nino was hesitant whether to disturb him or not. Besides, considering the look of intense concentration on Ohno's face, Nino doubted that the artist would even give him a glance.
"What is it?" Ohno asked. He wiped his hands and looked at Nino searchingly.
"Oh." Nino was taken aback by the unexpected attention. "A postcard came for you," he said, trying to appear mildly thrilled about it. "Oba-san mentioned that you liked postcards."
"Yeah," Ohno said passively. He stood up and took the postcard from Nino, sparing a cursory glance at the scenery. 'Ah, New York.' He just placed it on his bed and went back to arrange his scattered art materials on the table.
"Aren't you going to read it?" Nino asked as he surveyed the other's expression. "Oh, would you like me to leave so you can read it alone?" Ohno merely shrugged with his back facing the door as he continued cleaning stray bits of clay on the table.
Ohno's movements appeared stiff to Nino. It was as if the man was uncomfortable with Nino trespassing into his room. Perhaps he was being paranoid about the set-up, but Nino felt he was invading Ohno's privacy by just being there.
He hoped. Every night he lost some precious sleep, staying up for an hour or so wishing that Ohno would at least loosen up around him. They were already living in the same house, granted in different rooms and their schedules do not coincide. But didn’t proximity breed familiarity and a feeling of ease? And wasn’t Ohno the one who told him to stay?
But perhaps the feeling of ease should start from himself, Nino thought. Perhaps the first thing he should do is to get rid of the guilt that had been gnawing his insides. And then learn to forgive himself.
"I'm sorry, Ohno-san."
The suddenness of the pronouncement made Ohno stop on his tracks. He slowly looked back and frowned. He wanted to look through Nino's eyes to figure out the context for his apology, but he was frustrated to see the other man looking down as if the stray piece of candy wrapper on the floor was more significant than their conversation.
Ohno didn't probe. He patiently waited for he knew that Nino was searching for the right words to say at that moment. He patiently waited because he knew that if the situation was reversed, Nino would patiently wait for him as well.
Nino heaved a deep sigh as if hoping the air he sucked in would help him with what was about to come.
"Your mother showed me your postcards," Nino said as he finally looked up at Ohno's eyes. "All of them," he added. "Even the first one."
It took a while before Ohno realized what Nino was referring to.
“That's the reason you were cold to me all throughout our high school years, wasn't it?” Nino asked as he searchingly looked at Ohno.
“The whole time, we were together - seatmates, partners in projects, cleaning buddies. Ninomiya and Ohno - always next to each other in the class list. Yet we never talked much, did we? I didn't know anything personal about you, just the things I pick up from eavesdropping in your conversations with other people.
“But I liked you. We barely talked but I liked being in your presence. It was as if my troubles diffused out of me. You were my sieve. All the pent up anger, frustration and hurt inside me slowly diffused out of me instead of exploding big time. You were my guidepost, unafraid of scolding me when I crossed the line. You were my inspiration, a reminder to be passionate with the things I do. You..." Nino faltered. Like a dam, his emotions were pouring with a heavy current, unstoppable. He placed his hands inside the front pocket of his shorts, fists tightly clenched, fingernails burrowing crescents on the thin skin of his palms.
He wasn't too much of a masochist but he hoped the pain on his hand could help him regain his composure and keep his emotions and thoughts back in check.
"Ohno-san," he said as he kept his gaze on Ohno's eyes, wanting to convey his thoughts no matter what. "You are my family now. You're the only family I have left," his voice was already breaking as he tried his hardest to keep his tears from falling but to no avail.
"I know I don't have the right to ask this - and maybe a little impertinent of me to even consider after causing you hurt - but I really need to know." Nino couldn't clearly hear his words anymore through the rapid pounding of his heart.
"Is it alright if I continue loving you?"
-=-=-
Never in the twenty plus years of his existence had he experienced being put in such a situation. Terrified, he couldn't step out of his room for fear of running across Nino, which could lead to awkwardness.
He didn't intentionally backpedal to figure things out on his own; he was just really stunned. It was too sudden, too unexpected. He blanked out. The next thing he knew he was standing alone in his room. Alone, with no one around to explain what just happened. He didn't know how much time had passed. Worse, he didn't remember what answer he gave Nino, or if he showed any reaction at all.
For a while, he entertained the idea that Nino could possibly be just playing a prank on him, but looking back to the ‘incident’, after seeing Nino struggling with his words, Ohno was sure it wasn't a prank. Even the best actors and actresses couldn't fake such intensity of emotion he witnessed yesterday. He knew it would be insensitive to Nino's feelings if Ohno would just brush it off as a joke.
-
A persistent ringing of the doorbell left Ohno no choice but to step out of the room and find out who the unwelcome guest was. A persistent ringing meant there was no one else in the house aside from him. The coast was clear.
“Is Ninomiya Kazunari-san around?” It was a delivery man carrying a flat package, which appeared to case documents. Ohno signed his name underneath the word ‘recipient’ and entered back to the safety of his house. He examined the package. The sender was named Miyabi Publishing Corp. It must be a company for books or magazines.
He didn’t notice when the front door opened, but Nino was already standing a few feet before him, looking curiously at what he was holding. Ohno felt like a criminal caught in the act.
“Y-you got a, uhmm, well, a package came for you,” Ohno said stutteringly as he handed what he was holding to the rightful owner.
Nino glanced at Ohno before looking at the name of the sender, then glanced at Ohno again, as if weighing if he could open it in front of Ohno. Nino ripped the seal off and took out the documents inside. Ohno carefully watched Nino as the other read through the papers.
“What is it?” Ohno asked with a hint of anxiety in his voice.
“I got accepted as a photojournalist. I will be starting soon,” Nino said. His eyes sparkled in disbelief as he looked at the other documents in the package.
“So, you mean… you’re leaving?” Ohno’s voice was shaking, despite his efforts to control it.
Nino bit his lower lip at the feeling of abandonment in Ohno’s question. He willed himself not to look up, for he knew that seeing Ohno’s helpless, pleading face could possibly shatter his resolve to go.
“Yeah…”
“You're leaving,” Ohno whispered in awe.
“You don't have to burden yourself with what I asked you the other day, okay? I'll be sending you postcards, I promise. I'll repent for my sins by helping you regain your appreciation for postcards,” Nino said with a salute and quickly retreated back to his room, leaving Ohno standing in the living room, still in a daze.
-=-=-
It was past midnight and Nino still hadn’t returned home. Ohno knew because he had been monitoring the sounds of footsteps in the hall. He was certain Nino was still outside and he was beginning to worry. Thinking that Nino was probably working in the convenience store (and Ohno couldn’t seem to fall asleep anyway) he grabbed his coat and went outside.
The wind outside was cold despite Ohno’s layers of clothing. He was almost shivering when he reached the convenience store to look around. Unfortunately, there was no sign of Nino anywhere.
“Are you looking for something, sir?” a sweet girl from the counter asked him. She looked confident and smart, and it came to Ohno that she could possibly help him in his search for someone – not something.
“Have you seen Nino? Do you know where he is?” Ohno asked as he leaned closer to the counter, closer to the girl, eager for her answer.
The girl was mildly surprised but calmly answered him, “I think he’s at the construction site nearby. He’s worker there part-time.”
‘Just how many jobs does he have?’ Ohno yelled in his mind. “Thanks,” he absently replied as his mind was bothered by Nino’s no-rest schedule.
“Hey!” the girl called out. “Are you Oh-chan?”
‘Huh?’ Ohno thought. Only one person has ever called him Oh-chan. “I guess.”
“I knew it!” she said as she clapped her palms excitedly, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“You did?”
“Nino-kun always talks about you,” she smiled knowingly.
“Oh…” Ohno replied dumbly. He didn’t know how to respond to that.
“Now what are you waiting for? To the construction site, remember?” She said cheerfully.
-=-
There he was, sitting on a pile of hollow blocks, his right leg crossed over his left thigh, a can of melon milk in his hand.
Ohno kept on watching without approaching. Nino had a weary look on his face and he had faraway stare. He seemed to be on a break, so Ohno could approach him, right?
“What are you doing here?” Nino asked. There was a hint of panic in his voice and his eyes reflected defenselessness – like he was being driven to a corner by Ohno’s mere presence.
“I-It’s 2 in the morning,” Ohno said stupidly. He didn’t know what to say. What was he doing there anyway?
“Oh, thanks for telling me the time. I really need to buy a wristwatch for myself,” Nino said, rolling his eyes in sarcasm.
“Okaa-san asked me to look for you,” Ohno lied. It wouldn’t hurt to lie, he thought.
“Oh,” Nino said, pondering on what Ohno just said. “But she knew I would be working tonight,” he whispered more to himself. In his reverie, Nino unconsciously moved his ankle, and Ohno noticed that wince – small and cursory – no matter how Nino tried to hide it.
“Are you hurt?” Ohno frowned as he approached Nino to look at him searchingly.
“Nino-kun! Is that your friend? Ask him to accompany you home. You can’t work with that ankle of yours,” his senior called out. Nino shot daggers at his senior, who already had his back turned on him. He heaved a deep sigh and drank all the melon milk in one gulp, can upside down.
“Oi! What do you think you’re doing?” Nino cried as Ohno placed Nino’s arms around his neck and carried him piggy-back style. “Stop moving! You’ll just hurt yourself more,” Ohno admonished, not letting go.
“OI! Put me down!” Nino said flailing, but the more he flailed the more his ankle hurt so he eventually gave up, but not without a kick at Ohno’s side using his uninjured ankle.
“You’re too light! Do you even eat?” Ohno said as he struggled to balance Nino on his back, albeit clumsily. It was his first time to give someone a piggy-back ride after all. “Honestly, you shouldn’t have taken such a physically demanding job! Look at you!”
“But it pays well,” Nino countered, “I need money.”
They were silent for a while. Ohno knew that Nino was talking about the job he was about to take – that Nino would be leaving soon, and he couldn’t do anything about it.
“What is your oldest, most ancient fantasy? To be given a piggy-back ride,” Ohno said in a sing-song voice.
“What are you talking about?” Nino asked even though he knew exactly what Ohno was talking about. It was about that drinking party they had back in high school. What struck him was the fact that Ohno remembered that insignificant detail when that man couldn’t even remember to do his laundry on time, or buy some groceries on the way home, or make sure he was bringing an umbrella during storm seasons. Ohno had always been the absent-minded one, the one always spacing out like a fool. Why could he remember such an insignificant detail about Nino when he barely even spared him a glance back in high school?
“Because it’s you,” Ohno replied softly. It was a simple and honest answer. Because it’s Nino. Because Nino had always been interesting to him. He had always watched Nino from afar – and from near as well – but unsure how to approach him. He had always been giddy-like-a-teenage-girl whenever Nino would strike a conversation with him, though Ohno was forever unable to meet the other’s eyes. He had always put on an indifferent front but there was no denying the happiness inside.
It had always been Nino.
But right now, Ohno was afraid that Nino’s arm wrapped around him could feel the strong pounding in his chest.
“Don’t.”
“Huh?”
“Please stop giving me false hope that you care for me when you don’t,” Nino said softly in Ohno’s ear, then turned to look away. Nino didn’t want to hope, especially now that he was leaving.
“You asked me if you can continue loving me,” Ohno started. Nino flushed at the reminder of that incident, “That was a rhetorical question! You don’t need to answer that!” Nino yelled in annoyance and embarrassment. The pain in his ankle was far more tolerable than the conversation they were having.
“But-”
“Don’t!” Nino shouted, embarrassed.
Ohno stopped on his tracks, turning his head to look at Nino just to see that the paler, thinner man he was carrying was looking anywhere but at him. He noted the obvious flush on the pale cheeks. Ohno shifted Nino on his back before he continued walking ahead, with his lips curled up in a gentle smile. “Okay,” Ohno said.
“You can put me down now. Honestly, my ankle doesn’t hurt anymore,” Nino said firmly albeit shyly, unlike his usual whiny self. Ohno didn’t reply but merely tightened his hold on Nino’s legs. He was unstirred by Nino’s plea.
“Stubborn old man,” were the last words Nino said before he fell asleep. Through the steady breathing on his temple, Ohno could tell that Nino was sound asleep. He tried to walk more slowly and carefully, avoiding sudden jerky movements to keep Nino from waking up. Ohno wanted to savor the warmth of having Nino close on that cold past-midnight Tokyo. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to feel that warmth again for a long time.
-=-=-=-
Dear Oh-chan,
I met this old couple in a river cruise in Italy. They were both holding a map close to their eyes despite their eyeglasses. They came from London and the grandfather told me that he wanted to spend the remaining years of his life seeing the world with no other than his wife – his ‘beautiful wife’ as he kept on calling her, not to tease her but it seemed like it was really his term of endearment. And each time he called her such, her eyes sparkled in happiness, doubtless of her husband’s love.
Every time the grandmother saw something interesting, she would call out, “There! There! Take a picture of that!” and the grandfather would shuffle his feet as he struggled to stand up. He would bring out his camera, hold it with shaky hands and take a shot. At times it was blurred because of the steadiness of his hold on the camera, but the grandmother would merely chuckle in fondness and say, “You’re really bad at this,” with a gentle pat on his shoulder.
I spent a good amount of time watching them instead of appreciating the scenery around me, which was supposed to be the point of the river cruise, but I didn’t feel as if my money was put to waste. I was able to witness something magical, miraculous even – the love between two people that remained over years.
I was actually envious of them. We – the two of us – are seeing the world at different timelines. Sometimes, I want to go back there. Or I wish you were here with me even though I know it’s not possible. Sometimes, I yearn to see the world through your eyes, and I want you to see the world through mine. Yes, I’m sending you all these photographs of the places I’ve been, people I’ve met and things that moved me, but I want you to be able to experience them with me.
I’m bad at writing love letters, don’t you think? Haha
I miss you, Oh-chan.
Badly, especially now.
Love,
Nino
True to his word, Nino had been sending Ohno postcards. Instead of the usual scenery and tourist spots depicted, he portrayed the places he'd been through the people he met in those places. It was an unconventional style, but that was Nino for you.
Ohno received a postcard that morning. It was a photograph of a couple in the front row of a cruise boat, the sun setting in the horizon, painting the sky in a mixture of purple and pink hues. Their backs were leaning against the wooden back rest of their seats. The old woman was pointing outwards and outwards as she was facing the old man who was holding a little camera as he wore a huge smile on his face. Ohno had been staring at it before he read Nino’s letter. Struck by the wonderful aura that was emanating from the couple, Ohno was charmed. He wondered if he would be able to experience such pure love.
And then he read Nino’s letter – the story, the feelings and the flow of words, the gentleness, the sincerity and the honesty.
The usual contents of Nino’s postcards were stories of his adventures, stories of other people. He never mentioned how he was doing or what he was doing. It was always about other people. Now was the first time Nino actually talked about his feelings. And he even called it a love letter. Ohno had never received a love letter before so who was he to judge if Nino’s love letter was bad or not? All he knew was that he could relate to what Nino was saying – of wanting to see the world through each other’s eyes.
Yes, he was an artist and traveling for him was as ordinary as a meal to any human being. But all those times he spent traveling, he felt empty. Over time, he steadily got hollow inside and he was losing inspiration along the way. The latest assignment on Tokyo near their hometown was a blessing in disguise. It helped him take a step back and figure things out once again.
What was most important in his life?
He made a sudden splendid jump after feeling a pinch on the fatty portion of his arm. Groaning, he looked to his side and found his mother with a silly smirk on her face.
“Thinking really deep, huh? I’ve been calling you for a while now and you didn’t even budge. Are you ignoring your mother now?” she remarked playfully. Ohno was massaging his pitiful arm with an unconscious pout.
His mother chuckled at his cuteness and noticed what her son was holding. “You got a postcard from him again?” She stretched her arms in an act of taking the letter from her son but he swiftly moved his hand away from her, as if an innate reflex action.
Noticing her son’s reaction, she reassured. “Don’t worry; I just want to see the picture. I know Nino-kun has a knack for capturing moments, or else he wouldn’t have been chosen for that internship. Whenever we go for a walk, he would say something like, ‘The lighting is good here,’ or he would whisper something like, ‘I wish I’d brought my camera with me.’ He seems to really like what he’s doing. You don’t have to worry about him.” She spoke as if she knew Nino like her own son.
“I’m not worrying about him.”
“Then what did that faraway-stare-with-matching-thinking-deeply-and-ignoring-people-around-you earlier mean?” his mother teased.
“You seem to be full of energy today,” Ohno remarked cheekily. He couldn’t help it; it was the happiest and most excited his mother had ever been ever since he came. He felt as if his mother’s energy was somehow diffusing towards him with each passing minute.
“Yeah, I don’t know… I just woke up rejuvenated. Refreshed. Happy. Strange, isn’t it?”
They just stared out into the horizon. The rays of the morning sun passed through the leaves of trees and gave comfortable warmth to the porch where they were sitting. The peacefulness of the moment was better than the morning warmth any coffee could bring.
“Would you like to read the letter?” Ohno offered as his mother wordlessly took it from him.
Ohno didn’t know when she started or when she ended. There was silence save for the rustling of the leaves amidst the morning breeze and the orchestrated melodies of birds and insects in their backyard. The silence extended as both were immersed in their own thoughts.
“Okaa-san,” Ohno called hesitantly. “Would you be disappointed if I don’t get to give you grandchildren?”
She chuckled. “Oh, Satoshi,” she sniffed as she held him in a tight embrace. “I don’t need grandchildren; I am already content with having a wonderful son-in-law!” she teased.
“Okaa-san! This is not the time to be fooling around!” he scolded as he held his reddening cheeks with his hands. “I’m asking you a serious question.”
“And I’m giving you a serious – and honest – answer,” she said as she pinched her son’s cheek before keeping her arms to herself. “Ever since your father died, I learned that we should treasure people, be grateful for the things they offer us, and not ask for too much. Satoshi, the key to living a happy life is to have someone to share it with, then everything else will follow,” she said seriously. Ohno looked into his mother’s eyes and saw all the laughter and hurt, all the fun and hardship flash in her eyes.
“Even though your father is gone, I’m grateful to have you here with me. Here, and not some unknown, unnamed, or other hard-to-pronounce place in this world,” she said as she gave her son a wink.
“What do you think?” Ohno said pointing his mouth to the letter in his mother’s hand.
“Nino-kun?” She looked at her son who merely shrugged in response. “I think he’s perfect for you! He’ll make a good son-in-law!” she said excitedly with bizarre open-arms gestures. ¬¬
Ohno snorted. “What makes you say that? That’s just another carefree answer, isn’t it?”
She snickered at her own antics before she went back to serious mode. “I think he really cares for you. He may be shy with showing it but he really does. Every night, he makes sure you’re home and have already eaten dinner before he retreats to his room to rest. Every morning, he prepares the coffee maker because he knows that the first thing you do upon waking up is drink coffee even before you wash your face. He wakes up extra early to do it since his shift in the bakery starts at 5 AM. He promised me when I fell sick that he would do whatever it took to bring you home because he wanted you to spend more time with me, and not go through the same hopeless regret that he did when his mother died. He’s already like a son to me. I’m quite fond of him. But you being with him is a totally different matter. It’s for you to decide,” she said as she held Ohno’s hand and squeezed it tightly to show her support.
“I’m sorry,” Ohno said gravely as he looked down on the piece of earth near his outdoor slippers on the porch.
“Hmmm?”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you were sick. I… I should’ve been here. I should’ve checked up on you from time to time.” It was the first time Ohno brought that matter up. The guilt had taken its toll on him, and he couldn’t go on without apologizing. “Nino was here taking care of you while I was out there, thinking only about myself, caring only about myself.” His voice was starting to break as all his pent-up emotions poured out of him, unstoppable like a balloon punctured. His body was already trembling, and it was thanks to his mother’s hold on him that he was able to control himself.
“Okaa-san, answer me honestly. Do you think I am capable of taking care of someone?” he asked in desperation. He asked the question that had been plaguing his waking hours. He laid his fears bare since it was his mother with him. It was his mother and he trusted her to not downplay his feelings, to not make fun of his fears.
“Yes, you are,” she said firmly and without hesitation. “Taking care of someone is an acquired trait. It starts with getting to know the person, getting to know each other. Be open to the idea of having someone know about your quirks, your mannerisms, your routines. And even your dreams, your pet-peeves, your most embarrassing moments, your special lists, your birthday wishes, your hurt, your past, your present, how you want your coffee done, and perhaps even how you want it in bed.”
Ohno gaped in disbelief at his mother’s last line. “Okaa-san! Honestly, what has gotten into you today?”
She shrugged lightly. “I’m just living my life. And I want you to live your life fully. If you want to love, then commit yourself to that relationship. I don’t want you to do something half-assed. Only when you are able to know a person inside out will you learn how to take care of him well.”
Ohno shook his head in amusement at his mother’s choice of words. She must have had a drinking spree yesterday with the old guys in town. There was no denying that bite in her language.
-=-=-
Nino was lying on his bed in his hotel room after completing his latest project – the bombing at the Boston marathon. The day before the reported bombing, he met a guy at a bar. They had a couple of drinks, Nino showed him a few card tricks, and the guy excitedly told Nino that he would participate in the upcoming marathon. He said it was his first time participating. It was special because his mentally ill kid requested that they join and run together.
After a couple of drinks, the guy was starting to talk freely towards Nino. He told him how his kid would sometimes wander off, and that it would take about a hour searching around the mall just to get him back, how other people – old and young – would throw weird glances at his son. It was difficult to have a mentally ill kid, but he was determined to raise him. He was a single father.
After learning about the bombing, Nino’s face drained of color. His mind filled with worry for the guy he met in the bar and for the guy’s son. Were they there when the attack happened? Were they safe?
Nino had his share of interviewing people with post-traumatic stress disorder in the past. Uncontrollable sobs, panicky shrieks, paranoia and desperation - it was very unpleasant, in Nino’s opinion. There were times when Nino would abruptly wake up from a nightmare, sweaty and with a shrill ringing in his ears. Interviewing itself was hard, but Nino knew it was far worse for the people who actually experienced the trauma.
He didn’t want the guy in the bar and his son to experience such devastation – or anyone for that matter.
Nino received a call right away ordering him to go to the scene of the bombing – raw and vivid. He couldn’t say no; he was a photojournalist after all. It was the most emotionally taxing among the news he had to cover thus far. He had to balance delivering the real, raw emotion in his photographs while at the same time avoiding being too graphic. Not to mention the personal connection he had with a person who was probably, but fingers-crossed, not involved in the incident.
Nino was lying on his bed in a hotel room in Boston, recovering from physical and mental exhaustion after a series of days of taking photographs, interviewing people – focusing on the coping aspect rather than the pain and trauma.
He was lying on his bed to rest, for he needed to cope as well. But the idle moment of resting the body can drive the mind into overdrive. The thought of the guy at the bar and his son resurfaced in Nino’s mind. Unavoidably, he started to feel homesick.
He took his camera from the bedside table and removed the memory card to insert it into his laptop. Placing the pillow against the headboard of the bed and leaning against it for a more comfortable position, he started viewing the pictures he took to remind himself of why he was away from home in the first place.
Hit with a sudden stroke of obsessive-compulsive behavior, he archived his photos into folders in his laptop, and deleted those that were not needed. It was a tough work to sort through 20 gigabytes of photographs, but it was a good avenue to divert his mind from the recent happening that befell Boston.
When he was down to the last hundred or so photograph files, he spotted a file different from the rest. It was a video file. He couldn’t recall taking a video from his camera. He never needed or wanted to. He took pride in his skill in capturing a minutes-long video in a single photograph, which was why he was surprised to find a video file in his memory card.
He opened the file and saw what looked like the living room in Ohno’s house. There was that same old couch he used to sit on while waiting for Ohno to come home. There were those same old paintings of Ohno that decorated the walls of the household. And there was a painting of a grave that was oddly familiar.
“Hi.
By the time you’re watching this, perhaps you’re already in some other part of the world, huh? Or maybe you wouldn’t even notice that I recorded a video in your camera. Well, that would be convenient for me, I guess.
Okay, here goes…
First of all, I want to apologize that I ignored you all throughout high school. And for a really petty reason as well. My childhood dream was crushed when I received such a stupid postcard from you. I knew it was not in your control, and that by some bad luck or some cruel prank from the heavens, I was the recipient of such a postcard. I knew I should have stopped being so stubborn and childish about it, but I had already gotten used to treating you indifferently and I thought it would be weird if I suddenly changed.”
“Satoshi! What’s that? Isn’t that Nino-kun’s camera?” the voice of Ohno’s mother came in the background.
“Y-yeah… I was thinking we could make a video for him in case he gets homesick in his travels,” Ohno said.
“Hi Nino-kun!” Ohno’s mother said as she directed the lens of the camera towards her face. “If you ever feel homesick, just come back to our home, ne? You’re always welcome here!” she said.
“Satoshi, I’m just going to buy groceries for a while. Just stay here, ne?” Ohno’s mother called out.
The figure of Ohno waving goodbye to his mother was recorded in the video. He waited for his mother to be out of the house and certainly out of earshot before he continued with his message.
“Where was I again?” Ohno looked up to the ceiling ad massaged his chin in an act of thinking.
“Oh yeah… I thought it would be weird if I suddenly changed. It’s crazy but… I figured you would think I was falling in love with you if I suddenly changed, and then it would be awkward and you would start distancing yourself from me. It’s crazy, I know. Don’t laugh! But I know you’re already laughing right now, arghhh!” Ohno said, palming his face in frustration and embarrassment.
Nino was indeed rolling on the bed laughing after he heard Ohno’s reason. He hit his head and he almost dropped his laptop during his maniacal laughter.
“Anyway, about your question the other day, I want you to know some little-known facts about me first. I like being alone. A lot of people do not understand that. I like to be alone but I also like to be with people. I am just scared of asking them to join me to do something or go somewhere. I am afraid of rejection. I’m not a snob. I just don’t know how to approach people. I am not good with starting conversations, or even continuing them for that matter. I am moody sometimes. I tend to blame other people for my misfortunes. I am selfish. I’d rather hurt someone else than be the one who gets hurt. I am not good with showing affection, especially in public. I don’t know how to take care of people. I
I… I… I honestly don’t know what you see in me.
If, while you are away, you meet someone else that you choose to love, or you realize that you’re already tired of loving me, then I’ll understand. That’s understandable, really.
But if, despite all that, you still choose to continue loving me, then there’s really nothing I can do about it. It’s your choice, your decision.
I still think it’s stupid, though.
But…
Thank you.”
Tears were already rolling down Ohno’s face after he said his message, reflecting the reaction of the person watching the video. How Nino wanted to teleport and be beside Ohno at that moment. To hug him, to comfort him, to keep him close and safe.
“Nino,
I hope you’re happy.
Like what kaa-san said, you can come home anytime.
We’ll be waiting for you. We’re always waiting for you. We seem to have more customers in the bakery when you’re around after all. Hehe...
Ja!”
And all at once, the hotel room turned silent. Nino felt alone but at the same time not lonely. It was an odd feeling.
As he clicked the replay button, he made a decision.
-=-=-
Ohno developed a habit of regularly watching the international news on the television, and every time he did so, he was constantly praying that there were no reports about terrorist attacks or bombings or kidnappings or natural calamities. He had completely discarded his “no worries” motto.
It had been a year since Nino left. It had been a year since Ohno hadn’t left.
After resigning from his previous job that entailed him to be a nomad, Ohno decided to work as an art teacher in a primary school a ten-minute bus ride away from their house. Every afternoon, he went for a walk with his mother as part of her rehabilitation. During the weekends, he worked on some commissioned paintings which he sold online.
It was a full life. He was happy. He realized he didn’t need to move from one place to another every so often. He had already travelled around the world but he still found himself yearning. Perhaps the thing he was searching for was right there all along.
Besides, he was already an old man, like Nino used to call him sometimes. It was tiring to be traveling all the time. And Ohno had already found a reason to settle down, waiting patiently for someone’s return.
-=-
“Want to bet?” Ohno’s mother poked while they were on their usual afternoon walk. She always came up with her own topic of conversation – anything under the sun – which made their walks more interesting. One of her favorites was the betting game. The reward system of the game was simple: the winner would get to receive a free massage from the loser. Mysteriously, though, she always ended up as the winner even though her son got to choose first. Perhaps she knew her son inside out so she knew how to manipulate the question to her benefit.
“About what?”
“When Nino-kun will return,” she replied passively. They often talked about Nino, especially since Ohno was hooked on CNN and other international news channels on cable, but it was the first time the topic of Nino’s return came up.
“Why don’t you be the first to guess for a change?” Ohno suggested. The truth was that Ohno didn’t know what to answer. If he said tomorrow and Nino didn’t come, he would just be frustrated. If he said next week, next month, next year – just wishing for it, or assertively saying it didn’t mean it would be real. Sometimes it was better not to expect, for expectations led to disappointment.
“I’m betting he’ll be back tomorrow,” she said assuredly. Her tone was mischievous as if she knew something her son was clueless about.
Ohno merely gave a light laugh. “It seems like you seriously want to give me a massage, huh?”
“Don’t you want him to be back tomorrow?” his mother pried.
“Of course I do! It’s just… unlikely,” he said with a hint of bitterness in his reply and his stance.
“What is your bet then?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugged and sighed. “A year from now or so.”
“But isn’t tomorrow ‘a year from now’ from last year?” she challenged. “So why can’t it be tomorrow?”
“I don’t want to expect.”
“Oh, but you are expecting. You can’t deny that.”
“Well, he can’t just return instantly.”
“Who knows? He’s unpredictable – that kid.”
“Yeah.”
The rest of the walk back home was spent in silence. The weight of the grocery bag in one hand and the hamburger patties and fresh fish in the other hand was nothing compared to the weight of his mother’s words. He had been waiting and waiting for Nino, but in the one in a million chance that he would return tomorrow, Ohno didn’t know how to react.
Ohno was still mostly preoccupied as they reached the house. While he was depositing the groceries on the kitchen counter, his mother called out to him with a strange voice. “Satoshi, a letter.”
It was a white envelope, clean save for the inscription in the middle.
Oh-chan
It said in formal cursive handwriting.
He carefully opened it despite his trembling hands. His chest was pounding in anticipation. There was only one person who called him Oh-chan.
Inside was a picture of a grave sprinkled with petals – yellow tulips, pink roses and blue wild flowers. The name on the gravestone was not clear, but Ohno was certain that he had seen that before. And he felt that he could locate the exact location. Flipping the picture over, the usual long story of Nino’s adventures or misadventures was not there. There was only a short note, written in clean, meticulous handwriting, unlike the Nino Ohno knew. The Nino Ohno knew was carefree in both his handwriting and actions.
There must be something special in the message for Nino to take that much effort.
Heaving a sigh in preparation, he read,
I am hoping that in the grand scheme of things, it’ll be you and me in the end – white hair, loose, sallow skin, a cane in one hand (but hopefully not) and all.
And that I would be the one to scatter flower petals on your grave, or you on mine.
“Eh?” Ohno whispered to himself, and read it again. He read the letter again, twice in quick succession.
What exactly did that mean?
Alarmed, he sprinted out of the house without saying goodbye to his mother. He ran towards the place where his instincts told him Nino was. He ran at full speed, until his legs felt like jelly, as if slowing down was unforgivable, as if slowing down would cause him to miss Nino at their meeting place, despite that meeting place being a mere assumption of a lovesick fool.
As the surroundings were starting to get fully enveloped by darkness, Ohno was still a man on a mission, unfazed.
He just had to trace the path to his father’s grave, and hopefully he would spot where Nino was.
And then he saw it – a gadget emitting light on a body lying on the grass. Judging by the sounds coming from it, it was a Nintendo DS, or at least a game that could be played with a DS.
The person playing didn’t seem to notice Ohno’s presence – too engrossed in his game. It was just like how Ohno remembered him.
“Nino,” Ohno called out, but Nino didn’t budge.
“Nino,” he called out louder. He thought he saw a curve of a smile in Nino’s lips, but he acknowledged that the smile could just be an indication that Nino was doing well in the game. Perhaps he had just gotten an extra life or something.
He tried again, “Ni—”
“Oh-chan,” Nino said clearly, without looking up from the screen of his DS. “I knew you’d find me,” he said as he sat up from the grass, with a boyish grin on his face.
“Nino!” Ohno said as he knelt in front of Nino to have a good look at his face. He timidly raised his right hand and palmed Nino’s cheek. “You’re not dying or anything, are you?”
Nino chuckled. He knew Ohno was referring to the letter. “No, I just decided – after all those travels - that I want to grow old with you. I want to be the one to take care of you since you’re bad at it. I want to be the one to pester you into going somewhere because I know you’re scared of doing so. I want to be the one to start conversations with you, and I don’t care if I look like a fool talking to myself as long as I have you by my side. I don’t want to be the shock-absorber of your moodiness but I guess I have no choice.
“I want you Ohno Satoshi. I want all of you.”
Ohno cut Nino off with a soft, shy kiss on the lips.
Nino chuckled after their lips parted. “I thought you said you’re not good at showing affection in public,” Nino said, with a playful sparkle in his eyes.
“You watched the video?”
“Countless times.”
“How did you know I’d find you here?”
“Because somehow, I knew the scattering-flower-petals-on-the-grave thing was not your original idea,” he teased, referring to Ohno’s painting of a grave – a painting that was hung in their living room.
“Yeah, I’m a fraud, all right. I just copied it from a stranger,” Ohno said, his arms thrown up comically in surrender.
“Okaa-san,” Nino said. Ohno observed that Nino was looking at the gravestone. It was the first time Ohno paid attention to it.
Ninomiya Kazuko
A loving mother, an excellent teacher, a caring friend
1953 – 2011
“Okaa-san, meet Oh-chan. Oh-chan, meet my mother,” Nino said cheerfully.
“Hajimemashite,” Ohno said as he politely bowed at the gravestone.
“Now, you didn’t copy the idea from a stranger anymore. You know my mother already,” Nino said cheerfully, proud of his logic. “It was my mother’s idea from the start. She said that it’s better that way. A bouquet might get stolen after you leave, but a robber would have no use for scattered petals, she said. Besides, it’s cheaper that way. She made me swear that it’s what I would do when I visit her grave,” Nino said. Instead of sadness, there was nostalgia deep in those eyes.
“When she died, I was devastated. She didn’t even tell me she was sick. She was the only family I had. My parents got a divorce when I was young. After she died, I lost my will to live. I lost the motivation to continue with my career. I lost inspiration in my photography. I was fired from my job. I didn’t know how to live anymore. I was aimlessly wandering around when a painfully cheerful guy clad in a white uniform offered me half of his sandwich. It was Aiba-kun. And your mother offered me a job at the bakery. I accepted it right away, not really because I needed a job but because the warmth of the people there made me want to live life fully again. I didn’t know she was your mother until she showed me your house and I saw the paintings. ‘Ah! That’s definitely Ohno-kun’s paintings,’ I thought.” Nino stopped his tirade as he noticed Ohno biting his lips – what he usually did when he was feeling guilty or uncomfortable.
“Stop looking so sad,” Nino said as he poked Ohno’s cheeks.
“You lost your mom and I was still mean to you when we saw each other again,” Ohno said apologetically as he sighed.
“But you gave me a new mom,” Nino said as he ruffled Ohno’s hair.
With a glint on his eyes, Ohno warned playfully, “Don’t you dare steal my mother from me!”
“Who knows, I just might.” Nino winked. “Ne, Okaa-san,” Nino said, alternatingly looking at the gravestone and at Ohno. Curiosity was painted in Ohno’s face.
“I want you to meet Ohno Satoshi, the person I will grow old with,” Nino announced as he looked into Ohno’s eyes, asking for confirmation for his bold statement, but Ohno merely stared at him blankly.
Nino gulped, unsettled and lost, a part of him wishing that Ohno was too preoccupied to hear what he brazenly said. Seconds passed and still with no response. Nino started playing with one of the petals – a blue one – just to keep him busy.
Nino was startled when a certain softness touched his unprepared lips, as if sealing the promise with a soft kiss.
“Is it all right if I continue loving you as well?” Ohno said, referring to the unanswered question a year before.
“But you’re too stubborn. Even if I said no, you’ll still continue loving me, right?”
“You bet.”
ylunioFrom:
icecreamsukiPart 1
A certain wetness in his cheeks brought him out from his reverie. Dark gray clouds were above him, a tell-tale sign of a foreboding heavy rain. Thunder was heard from afar but he knew it was only a matter of time before heavy rains fell on the site he was seated. He finished packing his things in the nick of time, but the run from the riverbank to the nearest covered shelter was enough to get his clothes wet. The wind was unforgiving as it forced drops of rain diagonally, making the roof above him practically useless. It took only a few minutes before Ohno was drenched, cold and shivering.
As he was hugging himself and rubbing his forearms for whatever meager body heat doing so would provide, he wondered for the umpteenth time why the hell there was no one around. Maybe they figured that today was not a good time to be out and fishing. Perhaps the weather report from the morning news predicted terrible weather, and the old man's hypothesis was accurate after all.
'Just be careful,' he could almost hear Nino's voice right then, as if mocking him and telling him “I told you so.”
He ignored Nino's warning altogether and he regretted it. He felt like a fool. A dumb fool. A stubborn dumb fool.
The rain was still mercilessly pouring, being blown by the equally merciless wind. Luckily, there was a bench under the waiting shelter. It wasn't much but it provided him a place to rest. He decided to just wait for the rain to stop; he had no choice anyway. And Ohno being Ohno, he was able to fall asleep on the narrow bench despite the craziness around him.
He woke up to find his surroundings blanketed in darkness. He stood up, so suddenly that it made him dizzy. One look at his watch made him scramble to his feet. It was already past sunset and he needed to go home.
-=-
Ever since he heard the loud thunder amidst the sound of his game, he had been fidgety on his tracks. It was Nino's day off and it was the most restless of them all.
He told Ohno not to go. It was only when he said it did he realize that it was an impertinent thing to say. Ohno and he were nothing to each other. They were only used-to-be classmates who barely even talked much. And being imposing on Ohno triggered the fisherman’s stubbornness even more.
He had been sitting near the window – the front gate visible from his spot. The Game Over sound effect from his DS had rung several times already for his attention was divided.
‘Is Ohno safe? Where is he?’ – These questions had been plaguing Nino ever since Ohno left, that stubborn old man. Nino realized that he shouldn’t have been vague. He should have explained that the weather forecast was cloudy skies and scattered rain showers. He should have told Ohno to bring an umbrella or any rain gear. However, he zipped his lips and gave up at the last moment.
Nino wasn't ready to show affection to Ohno because he was afraid history would repeat itself. He was terrified of being pushed away once again just like old times. Back in high school, Ohno could match the Arctics with his coldness towards Nino. Ohno avoided him like a plague. He didn’t even meet Nino eye to eye as if he didn’t deserve Ohno’s attention. There was always annoyance – a nasty bite – in Ohno’s words.
Nino had had enough of that. He had been trying to forget but Ohno’s presence made forgetting a tedious task.
Hearing the front gate swing open, Nino hurriedly shuffled away from his spot by the window to slouch lazily on the farthest living room couch. He wanted to project his indifference – to hide the fact that he was anxiously waiting for Ohno to return home.
The front door opened revealing a wet and weary Ohno, tiredly dragging his bag. The pitiful sight crushed Nino’s façade of indifference. His kind-heartedness drove him to go and get a towel for Ohno.
Ohno wordlessly accepted the towel that was shoved to his arms, and went to his room to get changed.
“You’re hungry, aren’t you?” Nino asked the moment Ohno came out of his room, clad with dry everyday clothes, towel-drying his hair.
“Starving,” Ohno said heavily as he sat on the stool facing the kitchen counter.
Nino reheated the food he cooked intended for lunch. “Come eat,” he said hesitantly. To be honest, he expected Ohno to shut him out or drive him away just like old times. Or at least get ignored, for old time’s sake. He expected Ohno to be in a bad mood considering the bad weather and his disastrous fishing endeavour, which was why Nino was surprised when Ohno threw a small smile at him.
“Fried rice, huh?” Ohno said as he tasted his first spoonful of Nino’s cooking.
“Y-yeah.” To say that Nino was taken aback was an understatement. It was like a totally different Ohno Satoshi that was there. Did he have amnesia? Did he hit his head or something?
“I don’t know much about you – the dishes you like and stuff, or if you have changed after all these years, but I guess you can never be wrong with fried rice, huh?” Nino gave a nervous laugh.
As Ohno was eating Nino’s fried rice spoonful after spoonful, he remembered the old man he met earlier that day. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps Nino really cared about him after all. It was obvious that Nino was waiting for him to come home. And he even cooked him food.
He reflected on their conversation and realized that he was treating Nino nicely – well, at least he was not mean any longer. He was treating Nino like he would treat any other person. And then it hit him, wouldn’t things be weird between them if he suddenly treated Nino nicely? Should he just stick to the status quo?
His train of thought was disturbed when he heard a loud rumbling of a stomach nearby. Looking up, he saw Nino’s flushed face that was looking sideways away from him.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” Ohno asked, pushing the plate towards Nino who was sitting across him.
“No, it’s okay. I cooked that for you,” Nino’s truthfulness got the better of him. His decision to act cool towards Ohno to avoid getting hurt flew out of the window.
‘I-It tastes good,’ Ohno wanted to say. He gulped. Just the thought of saying a simple, polite compliment got his heart pounding his chest. He almost wanted to stand up and go back to his room, afraid that Nino could hear his heart beat – fast and hard.
“Suit yourself,” Ohno shrugged, unable to say the compliment that was at the tip of his tongue. It was easier to be indifferent after all.
“Yeah,” Nino murmured, as he turned away to wash the dishes – anything to get away from the usual Ohno. ‘Was it wrong for me to expect too much?’ Nino thought.
Yes, perhaps he should just stick to the status quo, Ohno thought as he watched Nino’s retreating back. He didn’t want this weird, awkward feeling. Ohno was scared – scared of what that feeling could lead to. Nino was still the same old Nino he knew – warm and thoughtful. Maybe he should just remain as the same old Ohno as well.
“I’m leaving.”
Ohno was startled by Nino’s sudden announcement. “What?”
“I mean I’m going out,” Nino said picking up his bag in haste. He was flustered by what was happening and he wanted to be alone for a while.
‘It’s late. Where are you going? And are you crazy? It’s raining out there!’ Ohno wanted to say but he felt he wasn’t in the position to pry in other’s business. Stick to the status quo. Stick to the status quo, Ohno repeated to himself as if a mantra. Stick to the status quo. It’s easier that way. Easier.
“Whatever,” Ohno forced himself to say.
“Bye,” Nino said sadly before he closed the door.
Once Nino was out of sight, Ohno leaned his forehead on the wooden table top, repeatedly hitting his head lightly, utterly frustrated with his stupidity.
Ohno wished Nino ate together with him. The food was good, but dinner itself was boring after Nino left. Even though Ohno was already used to eating alone during his life as a nomad, he still felt a little bit lonely. When he was away from home, it was understandable to eat alone because it was inevitable. Now that he was home with people available and always around, eating alone was a lonely affair.
He was thankful for the food, but he was disappointed that Nino left. Well, he couldn’t blame Nino. The man was used to being driven away by the same person who wanted his company now.
In need of something to cheer him up, Ohno went to the nearest convenience store to buy himself his favourite dessert – pudding with caramel syrup.
“Irasshaimase!” Ohno frowned after recognizing who the teller at the counter was. He saw the teller’s furrowed eyebrows. ‘Did he think I stalked him to his workplace?’
“What are you doing here?” their voices overlapped, both with a tone of bewilderment and surprise.
“I came here to buy a pudding. What are you doing here?” Ohno demanded.
The teller merely rolled his eyes at the stupidity of the question. “I work here,” he said simply.
“Why?”
“Doing a graveyard shift in a convenience store pays well, Ohno-san,” he said as he moved from the counter to the shelves to do his regular inventory. “I need money. As soon as I find a place to stay, I’ll move out. I don’t want to bother you. I just didn’t anticipate you’d be home soon.” And then speaking more to himself than to Ohno, “Maybe I can stay at Aiba-kun’s place in the meantime. Or I can sleep in the bakery. There’s a couch there I could use…”
“You can stay,” Ohno suddenly blurted out – loud and with unprecedented determination. “I-I’m sure okaa-san wouldn’t want you to leave.”
Nino looked at him strangely. Was he taking pity on me now? That wasn’t my goal. “But if you want me to leave, there’s nothing I can do. Don’t worry. I’m sure I can move out soon.”
“Don’t go,” Nino looked up in realization that those were the exact same words he threw at Ohno that morning. “Ohno-san, you’re freaking me out.” Where the hell was the cold, emotionless Ohno Satoshi Nino had grown accustomed to?
“Oh-chan.”
“Eh?”
“You used to call me Oh-chan.”
Indeed, Nino used to call him Oh-chan back in high school. He continued calling him Oh-chan even though he was continually given the cold shoulder. He had the illusion that perhaps calling him by a unique nickname could somehow bridge the gap between them.
“That’s right,” Nino replied stiffly as he continued with his inventory, trying to channel out Ohno’s words and presence. “How unusual. Aren’t you feeling sleepy?” Nino was trying to find an excuse to drive Ohno away so he could work in peace.
"Not really. Tell me, why did you choose to work in the bakery?"
“There was a job opening and I needed a job, simple as that,” Nino snapped.
“Why are you flustered?” Ohno teased.
Nino was stunned. “Are you on drugs?” he asked as he gaped disbelievingly at Ohno and his sudden surge of flirtatious actuations. Ohno merely shrugged as he leaned against one of the shelves watching Nino do his job. Nino was uncomfortable with the pair of eyes following his every movement. He could feel the stare boring through the back of his head. He conceded that the only way to get it over with was to give in.
"I used to work as a photographer - a photojournalist to be exact. I liked taking pictures of people. Not studio pictures with fake smiles, fake background and all that editing they do nowadays. They don't capture the true essence of people. It just doesn't feel right. I'd like to take pictures of people in action, in the context of what they normally do - without trying to look pretty for the camera or projecting an image unlike who they truly are,” Nino said.
“Yeah, I remember you used to take pictures a lot back in high school. They were mostly candid though - people in mid-blink appearing ridiculously sleepy, people talking with their mouth full and food spraying everywhere, people drooling in class. They weren't the most flattering photos I've seen,” Ohno said as he sorted through his memory.
“But that's how people actually are!” Nino insisted. “That's the side of people that they try to hide,” Nino was starting to enjoy their conversation. He hadn’t talked to anyone about his passion for photography before.
“Captured. Immortalized. Unflattering,” Ohno said grumpily as he remembered one of the pictures Nino took of him. He tried to forget it, but the word drool triggered his memory.
Nino laughed heartily. “At least you’ll be remembered forever in history. The guy who drooled,” Nino said gesturing in the air as he put a caption to an imaginary portrait of Ohno.
It was when Nino talked about his interest in photography, that they had the longest and easiest conversation. Nino’s words implied unfinished business, a dream yet to be fulfilled. Ohno was unsettled. For an inexplicable reason, he felt a grave foreboding that Nino would be gone soon to pursue that dream.
“I have a favourite photograph in my wallet,” Ohno said, changing the topic to divert his attention from the sudden surge of anxiety. He fished out said photo and showed it to Nino. “I wasn’t the one who took it, though.”
“I know that place! Disney Land, 1993. There was a Disney Musical, right? That’s me with the ice cream!”
Ohno looked at Nino incredulously, like he had just grown 2 heads. He’s got to be kidding.
‘We must be soulmates,’ Nino thought but he strongly restrained himself from saying those words that exuded cheesiness. He'd wish he'd be swallowed by the earth alive if those words ever escaped his mouth. Still, he was sure it was him. It was that same shirt, that same ice cream-stained face.
“Just kidding!” Nino said just to save himself from embarrassment.
“It’s getting late. I’m going home,” Ohno said as he snatched the photo back and headed out without letting Nino say goodbye.
On his walk back home, Ohno had a feeling that what Nino said was real. It was really him with the ice cream. And that they were in the same place at the same time. What were the chances of that? Seriously!
‘We must be soulmates,’ Ohno thought, but he immediately shook his head and dismissed the idea.
-=-
A knock and a swinging of the door revealed Nino wearing a strange expression on his face similar to someone not knowing how to react to a certain situation. He found Ohno sitting on the carpet with full attention on making clay figures of people. He was at the sculpting phase which was the most tedious, so Nino was hesitant whether to disturb him or not. Besides, considering the look of intense concentration on Ohno's face, Nino doubted that the artist would even give him a glance.
"What is it?" Ohno asked. He wiped his hands and looked at Nino searchingly.
"Oh." Nino was taken aback by the unexpected attention. "A postcard came for you," he said, trying to appear mildly thrilled about it. "Oba-san mentioned that you liked postcards."
"Yeah," Ohno said passively. He stood up and took the postcard from Nino, sparing a cursory glance at the scenery. 'Ah, New York.' He just placed it on his bed and went back to arrange his scattered art materials on the table.
"Aren't you going to read it?" Nino asked as he surveyed the other's expression. "Oh, would you like me to leave so you can read it alone?" Ohno merely shrugged with his back facing the door as he continued cleaning stray bits of clay on the table.
Ohno's movements appeared stiff to Nino. It was as if the man was uncomfortable with Nino trespassing into his room. Perhaps he was being paranoid about the set-up, but Nino felt he was invading Ohno's privacy by just being there.
He hoped. Every night he lost some precious sleep, staying up for an hour or so wishing that Ohno would at least loosen up around him. They were already living in the same house, granted in different rooms and their schedules do not coincide. But didn’t proximity breed familiarity and a feeling of ease? And wasn’t Ohno the one who told him to stay?
But perhaps the feeling of ease should start from himself, Nino thought. Perhaps the first thing he should do is to get rid of the guilt that had been gnawing his insides. And then learn to forgive himself.
"I'm sorry, Ohno-san."
The suddenness of the pronouncement made Ohno stop on his tracks. He slowly looked back and frowned. He wanted to look through Nino's eyes to figure out the context for his apology, but he was frustrated to see the other man looking down as if the stray piece of candy wrapper on the floor was more significant than their conversation.
Ohno didn't probe. He patiently waited for he knew that Nino was searching for the right words to say at that moment. He patiently waited because he knew that if the situation was reversed, Nino would patiently wait for him as well.
Nino heaved a deep sigh as if hoping the air he sucked in would help him with what was about to come.
"Your mother showed me your postcards," Nino said as he finally looked up at Ohno's eyes. "All of them," he added. "Even the first one."
It took a while before Ohno realized what Nino was referring to.
“That's the reason you were cold to me all throughout our high school years, wasn't it?” Nino asked as he searchingly looked at Ohno.
“The whole time, we were together - seatmates, partners in projects, cleaning buddies. Ninomiya and Ohno - always next to each other in the class list. Yet we never talked much, did we? I didn't know anything personal about you, just the things I pick up from eavesdropping in your conversations with other people.
“But I liked you. We barely talked but I liked being in your presence. It was as if my troubles diffused out of me. You were my sieve. All the pent up anger, frustration and hurt inside me slowly diffused out of me instead of exploding big time. You were my guidepost, unafraid of scolding me when I crossed the line. You were my inspiration, a reminder to be passionate with the things I do. You..." Nino faltered. Like a dam, his emotions were pouring with a heavy current, unstoppable. He placed his hands inside the front pocket of his shorts, fists tightly clenched, fingernails burrowing crescents on the thin skin of his palms.
He wasn't too much of a masochist but he hoped the pain on his hand could help him regain his composure and keep his emotions and thoughts back in check.
"Ohno-san," he said as he kept his gaze on Ohno's eyes, wanting to convey his thoughts no matter what. "You are my family now. You're the only family I have left," his voice was already breaking as he tried his hardest to keep his tears from falling but to no avail.
"I know I don't have the right to ask this - and maybe a little impertinent of me to even consider after causing you hurt - but I really need to know." Nino couldn't clearly hear his words anymore through the rapid pounding of his heart.
"Is it alright if I continue loving you?"
-=-=-
Never in the twenty plus years of his existence had he experienced being put in such a situation. Terrified, he couldn't step out of his room for fear of running across Nino, which could lead to awkwardness.
He didn't intentionally backpedal to figure things out on his own; he was just really stunned. It was too sudden, too unexpected. He blanked out. The next thing he knew he was standing alone in his room. Alone, with no one around to explain what just happened. He didn't know how much time had passed. Worse, he didn't remember what answer he gave Nino, or if he showed any reaction at all.
For a while, he entertained the idea that Nino could possibly be just playing a prank on him, but looking back to the ‘incident’, after seeing Nino struggling with his words, Ohno was sure it wasn't a prank. Even the best actors and actresses couldn't fake such intensity of emotion he witnessed yesterday. He knew it would be insensitive to Nino's feelings if Ohno would just brush it off as a joke.
-
A persistent ringing of the doorbell left Ohno no choice but to step out of the room and find out who the unwelcome guest was. A persistent ringing meant there was no one else in the house aside from him. The coast was clear.
“Is Ninomiya Kazunari-san around?” It was a delivery man carrying a flat package, which appeared to case documents. Ohno signed his name underneath the word ‘recipient’ and entered back to the safety of his house. He examined the package. The sender was named Miyabi Publishing Corp. It must be a company for books or magazines.
He didn’t notice when the front door opened, but Nino was already standing a few feet before him, looking curiously at what he was holding. Ohno felt like a criminal caught in the act.
“Y-you got a, uhmm, well, a package came for you,” Ohno said stutteringly as he handed what he was holding to the rightful owner.
Nino glanced at Ohno before looking at the name of the sender, then glanced at Ohno again, as if weighing if he could open it in front of Ohno. Nino ripped the seal off and took out the documents inside. Ohno carefully watched Nino as the other read through the papers.
“What is it?” Ohno asked with a hint of anxiety in his voice.
“I got accepted as a photojournalist. I will be starting soon,” Nino said. His eyes sparkled in disbelief as he looked at the other documents in the package.
“So, you mean… you’re leaving?” Ohno’s voice was shaking, despite his efforts to control it.
Nino bit his lower lip at the feeling of abandonment in Ohno’s question. He willed himself not to look up, for he knew that seeing Ohno’s helpless, pleading face could possibly shatter his resolve to go.
“Yeah…”
“You're leaving,” Ohno whispered in awe.
“You don't have to burden yourself with what I asked you the other day, okay? I'll be sending you postcards, I promise. I'll repent for my sins by helping you regain your appreciation for postcards,” Nino said with a salute and quickly retreated back to his room, leaving Ohno standing in the living room, still in a daze.
-=-=-
It was past midnight and Nino still hadn’t returned home. Ohno knew because he had been monitoring the sounds of footsteps in the hall. He was certain Nino was still outside and he was beginning to worry. Thinking that Nino was probably working in the convenience store (and Ohno couldn’t seem to fall asleep anyway) he grabbed his coat and went outside.
The wind outside was cold despite Ohno’s layers of clothing. He was almost shivering when he reached the convenience store to look around. Unfortunately, there was no sign of Nino anywhere.
“Are you looking for something, sir?” a sweet girl from the counter asked him. She looked confident and smart, and it came to Ohno that she could possibly help him in his search for someone – not something.
“Have you seen Nino? Do you know where he is?” Ohno asked as he leaned closer to the counter, closer to the girl, eager for her answer.
The girl was mildly surprised but calmly answered him, “I think he’s at the construction site nearby. He’s worker there part-time.”
‘Just how many jobs does he have?’ Ohno yelled in his mind. “Thanks,” he absently replied as his mind was bothered by Nino’s no-rest schedule.
“Hey!” the girl called out. “Are you Oh-chan?”
‘Huh?’ Ohno thought. Only one person has ever called him Oh-chan. “I guess.”
“I knew it!” she said as she clapped her palms excitedly, “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“You did?”
“Nino-kun always talks about you,” she smiled knowingly.
“Oh…” Ohno replied dumbly. He didn’t know how to respond to that.
“Now what are you waiting for? To the construction site, remember?” She said cheerfully.
-=-
There he was, sitting on a pile of hollow blocks, his right leg crossed over his left thigh, a can of melon milk in his hand.
Ohno kept on watching without approaching. Nino had a weary look on his face and he had faraway stare. He seemed to be on a break, so Ohno could approach him, right?
“What are you doing here?” Nino asked. There was a hint of panic in his voice and his eyes reflected defenselessness – like he was being driven to a corner by Ohno’s mere presence.
“I-It’s 2 in the morning,” Ohno said stupidly. He didn’t know what to say. What was he doing there anyway?
“Oh, thanks for telling me the time. I really need to buy a wristwatch for myself,” Nino said, rolling his eyes in sarcasm.
“Okaa-san asked me to look for you,” Ohno lied. It wouldn’t hurt to lie, he thought.
“Oh,” Nino said, pondering on what Ohno just said. “But she knew I would be working tonight,” he whispered more to himself. In his reverie, Nino unconsciously moved his ankle, and Ohno noticed that wince – small and cursory – no matter how Nino tried to hide it.
“Are you hurt?” Ohno frowned as he approached Nino to look at him searchingly.
“Nino-kun! Is that your friend? Ask him to accompany you home. You can’t work with that ankle of yours,” his senior called out. Nino shot daggers at his senior, who already had his back turned on him. He heaved a deep sigh and drank all the melon milk in one gulp, can upside down.
“Oi! What do you think you’re doing?” Nino cried as Ohno placed Nino’s arms around his neck and carried him piggy-back style. “Stop moving! You’ll just hurt yourself more,” Ohno admonished, not letting go.
“OI! Put me down!” Nino said flailing, but the more he flailed the more his ankle hurt so he eventually gave up, but not without a kick at Ohno’s side using his uninjured ankle.
“You’re too light! Do you even eat?” Ohno said as he struggled to balance Nino on his back, albeit clumsily. It was his first time to give someone a piggy-back ride after all. “Honestly, you shouldn’t have taken such a physically demanding job! Look at you!”
“But it pays well,” Nino countered, “I need money.”
They were silent for a while. Ohno knew that Nino was talking about the job he was about to take – that Nino would be leaving soon, and he couldn’t do anything about it.
“What is your oldest, most ancient fantasy? To be given a piggy-back ride,” Ohno said in a sing-song voice.
“What are you talking about?” Nino asked even though he knew exactly what Ohno was talking about. It was about that drinking party they had back in high school. What struck him was the fact that Ohno remembered that insignificant detail when that man couldn’t even remember to do his laundry on time, or buy some groceries on the way home, or make sure he was bringing an umbrella during storm seasons. Ohno had always been the absent-minded one, the one always spacing out like a fool. Why could he remember such an insignificant detail about Nino when he barely even spared him a glance back in high school?
“Because it’s you,” Ohno replied softly. It was a simple and honest answer. Because it’s Nino. Because Nino had always been interesting to him. He had always watched Nino from afar – and from near as well – but unsure how to approach him. He had always been giddy-like-a-teenage-girl whenever Nino would strike a conversation with him, though Ohno was forever unable to meet the other’s eyes. He had always put on an indifferent front but there was no denying the happiness inside.
It had always been Nino.
But right now, Ohno was afraid that Nino’s arm wrapped around him could feel the strong pounding in his chest.
“Don’t.”
“Huh?”
“Please stop giving me false hope that you care for me when you don’t,” Nino said softly in Ohno’s ear, then turned to look away. Nino didn’t want to hope, especially now that he was leaving.
“You asked me if you can continue loving me,” Ohno started. Nino flushed at the reminder of that incident, “That was a rhetorical question! You don’t need to answer that!” Nino yelled in annoyance and embarrassment. The pain in his ankle was far more tolerable than the conversation they were having.
“But-”
“Don’t!” Nino shouted, embarrassed.
Ohno stopped on his tracks, turning his head to look at Nino just to see that the paler, thinner man he was carrying was looking anywhere but at him. He noted the obvious flush on the pale cheeks. Ohno shifted Nino on his back before he continued walking ahead, with his lips curled up in a gentle smile. “Okay,” Ohno said.
“You can put me down now. Honestly, my ankle doesn’t hurt anymore,” Nino said firmly albeit shyly, unlike his usual whiny self. Ohno didn’t reply but merely tightened his hold on Nino’s legs. He was unstirred by Nino’s plea.
“Stubborn old man,” were the last words Nino said before he fell asleep. Through the steady breathing on his temple, Ohno could tell that Nino was sound asleep. He tried to walk more slowly and carefully, avoiding sudden jerky movements to keep Nino from waking up. Ohno wanted to savor the warmth of having Nino close on that cold past-midnight Tokyo. He was afraid he wouldn’t be able to feel that warmth again for a long time.
-=-=-=-
Dear Oh-chan,
I met this old couple in a river cruise in Italy. They were both holding a map close to their eyes despite their eyeglasses. They came from London and the grandfather told me that he wanted to spend the remaining years of his life seeing the world with no other than his wife – his ‘beautiful wife’ as he kept on calling her, not to tease her but it seemed like it was really his term of endearment. And each time he called her such, her eyes sparkled in happiness, doubtless of her husband’s love.
Every time the grandmother saw something interesting, she would call out, “There! There! Take a picture of that!” and the grandfather would shuffle his feet as he struggled to stand up. He would bring out his camera, hold it with shaky hands and take a shot. At times it was blurred because of the steadiness of his hold on the camera, but the grandmother would merely chuckle in fondness and say, “You’re really bad at this,” with a gentle pat on his shoulder.
I spent a good amount of time watching them instead of appreciating the scenery around me, which was supposed to be the point of the river cruise, but I didn’t feel as if my money was put to waste. I was able to witness something magical, miraculous even – the love between two people that remained over years.
I was actually envious of them. We – the two of us – are seeing the world at different timelines. Sometimes, I want to go back there. Or I wish you were here with me even though I know it’s not possible. Sometimes, I yearn to see the world through your eyes, and I want you to see the world through mine. Yes, I’m sending you all these photographs of the places I’ve been, people I’ve met and things that moved me, but I want you to be able to experience them with me.
I’m bad at writing love letters, don’t you think? Haha
I miss you, Oh-chan.
Badly, especially now.
Love,
Nino
True to his word, Nino had been sending Ohno postcards. Instead of the usual scenery and tourist spots depicted, he portrayed the places he'd been through the people he met in those places. It was an unconventional style, but that was Nino for you.
Ohno received a postcard that morning. It was a photograph of a couple in the front row of a cruise boat, the sun setting in the horizon, painting the sky in a mixture of purple and pink hues. Their backs were leaning against the wooden back rest of their seats. The old woman was pointing outwards and outwards as she was facing the old man who was holding a little camera as he wore a huge smile on his face. Ohno had been staring at it before he read Nino’s letter. Struck by the wonderful aura that was emanating from the couple, Ohno was charmed. He wondered if he would be able to experience such pure love.
And then he read Nino’s letter – the story, the feelings and the flow of words, the gentleness, the sincerity and the honesty.
The usual contents of Nino’s postcards were stories of his adventures, stories of other people. He never mentioned how he was doing or what he was doing. It was always about other people. Now was the first time Nino actually talked about his feelings. And he even called it a love letter. Ohno had never received a love letter before so who was he to judge if Nino’s love letter was bad or not? All he knew was that he could relate to what Nino was saying – of wanting to see the world through each other’s eyes.
Yes, he was an artist and traveling for him was as ordinary as a meal to any human being. But all those times he spent traveling, he felt empty. Over time, he steadily got hollow inside and he was losing inspiration along the way. The latest assignment on Tokyo near their hometown was a blessing in disguise. It helped him take a step back and figure things out once again.
What was most important in his life?
He made a sudden splendid jump after feeling a pinch on the fatty portion of his arm. Groaning, he looked to his side and found his mother with a silly smirk on her face.
“Thinking really deep, huh? I’ve been calling you for a while now and you didn’t even budge. Are you ignoring your mother now?” she remarked playfully. Ohno was massaging his pitiful arm with an unconscious pout.
His mother chuckled at his cuteness and noticed what her son was holding. “You got a postcard from him again?” She stretched her arms in an act of taking the letter from her son but he swiftly moved his hand away from her, as if an innate reflex action.
Noticing her son’s reaction, she reassured. “Don’t worry; I just want to see the picture. I know Nino-kun has a knack for capturing moments, or else he wouldn’t have been chosen for that internship. Whenever we go for a walk, he would say something like, ‘The lighting is good here,’ or he would whisper something like, ‘I wish I’d brought my camera with me.’ He seems to really like what he’s doing. You don’t have to worry about him.” She spoke as if she knew Nino like her own son.
“I’m not worrying about him.”
“Then what did that faraway-stare-with-matching-thinking-deeply-and-ignoring-people-around-you earlier mean?” his mother teased.
“You seem to be full of energy today,” Ohno remarked cheekily. He couldn’t help it; it was the happiest and most excited his mother had ever been ever since he came. He felt as if his mother’s energy was somehow diffusing towards him with each passing minute.
“Yeah, I don’t know… I just woke up rejuvenated. Refreshed. Happy. Strange, isn’t it?”
They just stared out into the horizon. The rays of the morning sun passed through the leaves of trees and gave comfortable warmth to the porch where they were sitting. The peacefulness of the moment was better than the morning warmth any coffee could bring.
“Would you like to read the letter?” Ohno offered as his mother wordlessly took it from him.
Ohno didn’t know when she started or when she ended. There was silence save for the rustling of the leaves amidst the morning breeze and the orchestrated melodies of birds and insects in their backyard. The silence extended as both were immersed in their own thoughts.
“Okaa-san,” Ohno called hesitantly. “Would you be disappointed if I don’t get to give you grandchildren?”
She chuckled. “Oh, Satoshi,” she sniffed as she held him in a tight embrace. “I don’t need grandchildren; I am already content with having a wonderful son-in-law!” she teased.
“Okaa-san! This is not the time to be fooling around!” he scolded as he held his reddening cheeks with his hands. “I’m asking you a serious question.”
“And I’m giving you a serious – and honest – answer,” she said as she pinched her son’s cheek before keeping her arms to herself. “Ever since your father died, I learned that we should treasure people, be grateful for the things they offer us, and not ask for too much. Satoshi, the key to living a happy life is to have someone to share it with, then everything else will follow,” she said seriously. Ohno looked into his mother’s eyes and saw all the laughter and hurt, all the fun and hardship flash in her eyes.
“Even though your father is gone, I’m grateful to have you here with me. Here, and not some unknown, unnamed, or other hard-to-pronounce place in this world,” she said as she gave her son a wink.
“What do you think?” Ohno said pointing his mouth to the letter in his mother’s hand.
“Nino-kun?” She looked at her son who merely shrugged in response. “I think he’s perfect for you! He’ll make a good son-in-law!” she said excitedly with bizarre open-arms gestures. ¬¬
Ohno snorted. “What makes you say that? That’s just another carefree answer, isn’t it?”
She snickered at her own antics before she went back to serious mode. “I think he really cares for you. He may be shy with showing it but he really does. Every night, he makes sure you’re home and have already eaten dinner before he retreats to his room to rest. Every morning, he prepares the coffee maker because he knows that the first thing you do upon waking up is drink coffee even before you wash your face. He wakes up extra early to do it since his shift in the bakery starts at 5 AM. He promised me when I fell sick that he would do whatever it took to bring you home because he wanted you to spend more time with me, and not go through the same hopeless regret that he did when his mother died. He’s already like a son to me. I’m quite fond of him. But you being with him is a totally different matter. It’s for you to decide,” she said as she held Ohno’s hand and squeezed it tightly to show her support.
“I’m sorry,” Ohno said gravely as he looked down on the piece of earth near his outdoor slippers on the porch.
“Hmmm?”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you were sick. I… I should’ve been here. I should’ve checked up on you from time to time.” It was the first time Ohno brought that matter up. The guilt had taken its toll on him, and he couldn’t go on without apologizing. “Nino was here taking care of you while I was out there, thinking only about myself, caring only about myself.” His voice was starting to break as all his pent-up emotions poured out of him, unstoppable like a balloon punctured. His body was already trembling, and it was thanks to his mother’s hold on him that he was able to control himself.
“Okaa-san, answer me honestly. Do you think I am capable of taking care of someone?” he asked in desperation. He asked the question that had been plaguing his waking hours. He laid his fears bare since it was his mother with him. It was his mother and he trusted her to not downplay his feelings, to not make fun of his fears.
“Yes, you are,” she said firmly and without hesitation. “Taking care of someone is an acquired trait. It starts with getting to know the person, getting to know each other. Be open to the idea of having someone know about your quirks, your mannerisms, your routines. And even your dreams, your pet-peeves, your most embarrassing moments, your special lists, your birthday wishes, your hurt, your past, your present, how you want your coffee done, and perhaps even how you want it in bed.”
Ohno gaped in disbelief at his mother’s last line. “Okaa-san! Honestly, what has gotten into you today?”
She shrugged lightly. “I’m just living my life. And I want you to live your life fully. If you want to love, then commit yourself to that relationship. I don’t want you to do something half-assed. Only when you are able to know a person inside out will you learn how to take care of him well.”
Ohno shook his head in amusement at his mother’s choice of words. She must have had a drinking spree yesterday with the old guys in town. There was no denying that bite in her language.
-=-=-
Nino was lying on his bed in his hotel room after completing his latest project – the bombing at the Boston marathon. The day before the reported bombing, he met a guy at a bar. They had a couple of drinks, Nino showed him a few card tricks, and the guy excitedly told Nino that he would participate in the upcoming marathon. He said it was his first time participating. It was special because his mentally ill kid requested that they join and run together.
After a couple of drinks, the guy was starting to talk freely towards Nino. He told him how his kid would sometimes wander off, and that it would take about a hour searching around the mall just to get him back, how other people – old and young – would throw weird glances at his son. It was difficult to have a mentally ill kid, but he was determined to raise him. He was a single father.
After learning about the bombing, Nino’s face drained of color. His mind filled with worry for the guy he met in the bar and for the guy’s son. Were they there when the attack happened? Were they safe?
Nino had his share of interviewing people with post-traumatic stress disorder in the past. Uncontrollable sobs, panicky shrieks, paranoia and desperation - it was very unpleasant, in Nino’s opinion. There were times when Nino would abruptly wake up from a nightmare, sweaty and with a shrill ringing in his ears. Interviewing itself was hard, but Nino knew it was far worse for the people who actually experienced the trauma.
He didn’t want the guy in the bar and his son to experience such devastation – or anyone for that matter.
Nino received a call right away ordering him to go to the scene of the bombing – raw and vivid. He couldn’t say no; he was a photojournalist after all. It was the most emotionally taxing among the news he had to cover thus far. He had to balance delivering the real, raw emotion in his photographs while at the same time avoiding being too graphic. Not to mention the personal connection he had with a person who was probably, but fingers-crossed, not involved in the incident.
Nino was lying on his bed in a hotel room in Boston, recovering from physical and mental exhaustion after a series of days of taking photographs, interviewing people – focusing on the coping aspect rather than the pain and trauma.
He was lying on his bed to rest, for he needed to cope as well. But the idle moment of resting the body can drive the mind into overdrive. The thought of the guy at the bar and his son resurfaced in Nino’s mind. Unavoidably, he started to feel homesick.
He took his camera from the bedside table and removed the memory card to insert it into his laptop. Placing the pillow against the headboard of the bed and leaning against it for a more comfortable position, he started viewing the pictures he took to remind himself of why he was away from home in the first place.
Hit with a sudden stroke of obsessive-compulsive behavior, he archived his photos into folders in his laptop, and deleted those that were not needed. It was a tough work to sort through 20 gigabytes of photographs, but it was a good avenue to divert his mind from the recent happening that befell Boston.
When he was down to the last hundred or so photograph files, he spotted a file different from the rest. It was a video file. He couldn’t recall taking a video from his camera. He never needed or wanted to. He took pride in his skill in capturing a minutes-long video in a single photograph, which was why he was surprised to find a video file in his memory card.
He opened the file and saw what looked like the living room in Ohno’s house. There was that same old couch he used to sit on while waiting for Ohno to come home. There were those same old paintings of Ohno that decorated the walls of the household. And there was a painting of a grave that was oddly familiar.
“Hi.
By the time you’re watching this, perhaps you’re already in some other part of the world, huh? Or maybe you wouldn’t even notice that I recorded a video in your camera. Well, that would be convenient for me, I guess.
Okay, here goes…
First of all, I want to apologize that I ignored you all throughout high school. And for a really petty reason as well. My childhood dream was crushed when I received such a stupid postcard from you. I knew it was not in your control, and that by some bad luck or some cruel prank from the heavens, I was the recipient of such a postcard. I knew I should have stopped being so stubborn and childish about it, but I had already gotten used to treating you indifferently and I thought it would be weird if I suddenly changed.”
“Satoshi! What’s that? Isn’t that Nino-kun’s camera?” the voice of Ohno’s mother came in the background.
“Y-yeah… I was thinking we could make a video for him in case he gets homesick in his travels,” Ohno said.
“Hi Nino-kun!” Ohno’s mother said as she directed the lens of the camera towards her face. “If you ever feel homesick, just come back to our home, ne? You’re always welcome here!” she said.
“Satoshi, I’m just going to buy groceries for a while. Just stay here, ne?” Ohno’s mother called out.
The figure of Ohno waving goodbye to his mother was recorded in the video. He waited for his mother to be out of the house and certainly out of earshot before he continued with his message.
“Where was I again?” Ohno looked up to the ceiling ad massaged his chin in an act of thinking.
“Oh yeah… I thought it would be weird if I suddenly changed. It’s crazy but… I figured you would think I was falling in love with you if I suddenly changed, and then it would be awkward and you would start distancing yourself from me. It’s crazy, I know. Don’t laugh! But I know you’re already laughing right now, arghhh!” Ohno said, palming his face in frustration and embarrassment.
Nino was indeed rolling on the bed laughing after he heard Ohno’s reason. He hit his head and he almost dropped his laptop during his maniacal laughter.
“Anyway, about your question the other day, I want you to know some little-known facts about me first. I like being alone. A lot of people do not understand that. I like to be alone but I also like to be with people. I am just scared of asking them to join me to do something or go somewhere. I am afraid of rejection. I’m not a snob. I just don’t know how to approach people. I am not good with starting conversations, or even continuing them for that matter. I am moody sometimes. I tend to blame other people for my misfortunes. I am selfish. I’d rather hurt someone else than be the one who gets hurt. I am not good with showing affection, especially in public. I don’t know how to take care of people. I
I… I… I honestly don’t know what you see in me.
If, while you are away, you meet someone else that you choose to love, or you realize that you’re already tired of loving me, then I’ll understand. That’s understandable, really.
But if, despite all that, you still choose to continue loving me, then there’s really nothing I can do about it. It’s your choice, your decision.
I still think it’s stupid, though.
But…
Thank you.”
Tears were already rolling down Ohno’s face after he said his message, reflecting the reaction of the person watching the video. How Nino wanted to teleport and be beside Ohno at that moment. To hug him, to comfort him, to keep him close and safe.
“Nino,
I hope you’re happy.
Like what kaa-san said, you can come home anytime.
We’ll be waiting for you. We’re always waiting for you. We seem to have more customers in the bakery when you’re around after all. Hehe...
Ja!”
And all at once, the hotel room turned silent. Nino felt alone but at the same time not lonely. It was an odd feeling.
As he clicked the replay button, he made a decision.
-=-=-
Ohno developed a habit of regularly watching the international news on the television, and every time he did so, he was constantly praying that there were no reports about terrorist attacks or bombings or kidnappings or natural calamities. He had completely discarded his “no worries” motto.
It had been a year since Nino left. It had been a year since Ohno hadn’t left.
After resigning from his previous job that entailed him to be a nomad, Ohno decided to work as an art teacher in a primary school a ten-minute bus ride away from their house. Every afternoon, he went for a walk with his mother as part of her rehabilitation. During the weekends, he worked on some commissioned paintings which he sold online.
It was a full life. He was happy. He realized he didn’t need to move from one place to another every so often. He had already travelled around the world but he still found himself yearning. Perhaps the thing he was searching for was right there all along.
Besides, he was already an old man, like Nino used to call him sometimes. It was tiring to be traveling all the time. And Ohno had already found a reason to settle down, waiting patiently for someone’s return.
-=-
“Want to bet?” Ohno’s mother poked while they were on their usual afternoon walk. She always came up with her own topic of conversation – anything under the sun – which made their walks more interesting. One of her favorites was the betting game. The reward system of the game was simple: the winner would get to receive a free massage from the loser. Mysteriously, though, she always ended up as the winner even though her son got to choose first. Perhaps she knew her son inside out so she knew how to manipulate the question to her benefit.
“About what?”
“When Nino-kun will return,” she replied passively. They often talked about Nino, especially since Ohno was hooked on CNN and other international news channels on cable, but it was the first time the topic of Nino’s return came up.
“Why don’t you be the first to guess for a change?” Ohno suggested. The truth was that Ohno didn’t know what to answer. If he said tomorrow and Nino didn’t come, he would just be frustrated. If he said next week, next month, next year – just wishing for it, or assertively saying it didn’t mean it would be real. Sometimes it was better not to expect, for expectations led to disappointment.
“I’m betting he’ll be back tomorrow,” she said assuredly. Her tone was mischievous as if she knew something her son was clueless about.
Ohno merely gave a light laugh. “It seems like you seriously want to give me a massage, huh?”
“Don’t you want him to be back tomorrow?” his mother pried.
“Of course I do! It’s just… unlikely,” he said with a hint of bitterness in his reply and his stance.
“What is your bet then?”
“I don’t know,” he shrugged and sighed. “A year from now or so.”
“But isn’t tomorrow ‘a year from now’ from last year?” she challenged. “So why can’t it be tomorrow?”
“I don’t want to expect.”
“Oh, but you are expecting. You can’t deny that.”
“Well, he can’t just return instantly.”
“Who knows? He’s unpredictable – that kid.”
“Yeah.”
The rest of the walk back home was spent in silence. The weight of the grocery bag in one hand and the hamburger patties and fresh fish in the other hand was nothing compared to the weight of his mother’s words. He had been waiting and waiting for Nino, but in the one in a million chance that he would return tomorrow, Ohno didn’t know how to react.
Ohno was still mostly preoccupied as they reached the house. While he was depositing the groceries on the kitchen counter, his mother called out to him with a strange voice. “Satoshi, a letter.”
It was a white envelope, clean save for the inscription in the middle.
Oh-chan
It said in formal cursive handwriting.
He carefully opened it despite his trembling hands. His chest was pounding in anticipation. There was only one person who called him Oh-chan.
Inside was a picture of a grave sprinkled with petals – yellow tulips, pink roses and blue wild flowers. The name on the gravestone was not clear, but Ohno was certain that he had seen that before. And he felt that he could locate the exact location. Flipping the picture over, the usual long story of Nino’s adventures or misadventures was not there. There was only a short note, written in clean, meticulous handwriting, unlike the Nino Ohno knew. The Nino Ohno knew was carefree in both his handwriting and actions.
There must be something special in the message for Nino to take that much effort.
Heaving a sigh in preparation, he read,
I am hoping that in the grand scheme of things, it’ll be you and me in the end – white hair, loose, sallow skin, a cane in one hand (but hopefully not) and all.
And that I would be the one to scatter flower petals on your grave, or you on mine.
“Eh?” Ohno whispered to himself, and read it again. He read the letter again, twice in quick succession.
What exactly did that mean?
Alarmed, he sprinted out of the house without saying goodbye to his mother. He ran towards the place where his instincts told him Nino was. He ran at full speed, until his legs felt like jelly, as if slowing down was unforgivable, as if slowing down would cause him to miss Nino at their meeting place, despite that meeting place being a mere assumption of a lovesick fool.
As the surroundings were starting to get fully enveloped by darkness, Ohno was still a man on a mission, unfazed.
He just had to trace the path to his father’s grave, and hopefully he would spot where Nino was.
And then he saw it – a gadget emitting light on a body lying on the grass. Judging by the sounds coming from it, it was a Nintendo DS, or at least a game that could be played with a DS.
The person playing didn’t seem to notice Ohno’s presence – too engrossed in his game. It was just like how Ohno remembered him.
“Nino,” Ohno called out, but Nino didn’t budge.
“Nino,” he called out louder. He thought he saw a curve of a smile in Nino’s lips, but he acknowledged that the smile could just be an indication that Nino was doing well in the game. Perhaps he had just gotten an extra life or something.
He tried again, “Ni—”
“Oh-chan,” Nino said clearly, without looking up from the screen of his DS. “I knew you’d find me,” he said as he sat up from the grass, with a boyish grin on his face.
“Nino!” Ohno said as he knelt in front of Nino to have a good look at his face. He timidly raised his right hand and palmed Nino’s cheek. “You’re not dying or anything, are you?”
Nino chuckled. He knew Ohno was referring to the letter. “No, I just decided – after all those travels - that I want to grow old with you. I want to be the one to take care of you since you’re bad at it. I want to be the one to pester you into going somewhere because I know you’re scared of doing so. I want to be the one to start conversations with you, and I don’t care if I look like a fool talking to myself as long as I have you by my side. I don’t want to be the shock-absorber of your moodiness but I guess I have no choice.
“I want you Ohno Satoshi. I want all of you.”
Ohno cut Nino off with a soft, shy kiss on the lips.
Nino chuckled after their lips parted. “I thought you said you’re not good at showing affection in public,” Nino said, with a playful sparkle in his eyes.
“You watched the video?”
“Countless times.”
“How did you know I’d find you here?”
“Because somehow, I knew the scattering-flower-petals-on-the-grave thing was not your original idea,” he teased, referring to Ohno’s painting of a grave – a painting that was hung in their living room.
“Yeah, I’m a fraud, all right. I just copied it from a stranger,” Ohno said, his arms thrown up comically in surrender.
“Okaa-san,” Nino said. Ohno observed that Nino was looking at the gravestone. It was the first time Ohno paid attention to it.
Ninomiya Kazuko
A loving mother, an excellent teacher, a caring friend
1953 – 2011
“Okaa-san, meet Oh-chan. Oh-chan, meet my mother,” Nino said cheerfully.
“Hajimemashite,” Ohno said as he politely bowed at the gravestone.
“Now, you didn’t copy the idea from a stranger anymore. You know my mother already,” Nino said cheerfully, proud of his logic. “It was my mother’s idea from the start. She said that it’s better that way. A bouquet might get stolen after you leave, but a robber would have no use for scattered petals, she said. Besides, it’s cheaper that way. She made me swear that it’s what I would do when I visit her grave,” Nino said. Instead of sadness, there was nostalgia deep in those eyes.
“When she died, I was devastated. She didn’t even tell me she was sick. She was the only family I had. My parents got a divorce when I was young. After she died, I lost my will to live. I lost the motivation to continue with my career. I lost inspiration in my photography. I was fired from my job. I didn’t know how to live anymore. I was aimlessly wandering around when a painfully cheerful guy clad in a white uniform offered me half of his sandwich. It was Aiba-kun. And your mother offered me a job at the bakery. I accepted it right away, not really because I needed a job but because the warmth of the people there made me want to live life fully again. I didn’t know she was your mother until she showed me your house and I saw the paintings. ‘Ah! That’s definitely Ohno-kun’s paintings,’ I thought.” Nino stopped his tirade as he noticed Ohno biting his lips – what he usually did when he was feeling guilty or uncomfortable.
“Stop looking so sad,” Nino said as he poked Ohno’s cheeks.
“You lost your mom and I was still mean to you when we saw each other again,” Ohno said apologetically as he sighed.
“But you gave me a new mom,” Nino said as he ruffled Ohno’s hair.
With a glint on his eyes, Ohno warned playfully, “Don’t you dare steal my mother from me!”
“Who knows, I just might.” Nino winked. “Ne, Okaa-san,” Nino said, alternatingly looking at the gravestone and at Ohno. Curiosity was painted in Ohno’s face.
“I want you to meet Ohno Satoshi, the person I will grow old with,” Nino announced as he looked into Ohno’s eyes, asking for confirmation for his bold statement, but Ohno merely stared at him blankly.
Nino gulped, unsettled and lost, a part of him wishing that Ohno was too preoccupied to hear what he brazenly said. Seconds passed and still with no response. Nino started playing with one of the petals – a blue one – just to keep him busy.
Nino was startled when a certain softness touched his unprepared lips, as if sealing the promise with a soft kiss.
“Is it all right if I continue loving you as well?” Ohno said, referring to the unanswered question a year before.
“But you’re too stubborn. Even if I said no, you’ll still continue loving me, right?”
“You bet.”
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I remain smitten by this work and am sure I'll to continue to be so no matter how many times I reread the work
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I'll do it tomorrow. I promise. <3
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First of all, thank you for writing this fanfiction for me.
Then..
It was absolutely lovely, heartwarming and so sweet. I love how you managed to write the whole story through both Nino's and Ohno's eyes and how they got closer to each other even if they were so close since the very beginning. Usually I don't like stories about "misunderstandings", when one of the character, or both, are in denial or can't understand each other's feelings when for the reader it's so obvious, but you wrote this one so well that really got me. And everything was very beautiful and believable.
Thank you. Thank you so much :)
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still, thank you! :)
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I'd love to read more from you.
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It was breathtaking, interesting, lovely, awesome,... I think I can't bring you enough English words of perfectness to tell you how much I liked it :3
So just THANK YOU!!!
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I love your nino. yey.
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