fic for natsunonamae (4/5)

[nino-mod.livejournal.com]

For: natsunonamae
From: 64907

Part 3


Nino resolves to find Jun then. While Aiba heavily hinted that he needs Jun for Ohno to relent to their case, Aiba refused to tell him where Jun is in the Shatterdome.

“Come on, Nino,” Aiba had said, grinning like he won the lottery, “you can’t expect me to hand over all the clues to you. I already got you out of Kazapon’s clutches and saved you from Sho-chan’s inevitable scolding because I know that’s what Sho-chan does whenever he visits you. He worries over people like that; you have to forgive him. Anyway, don’t you think I already did much?”

That was true, and loathe was Nino to admit it, he had to find Jun on his own while staying in stealth mode. He still has to hide from Sho because Aiba warned him that Sho hates runaway patients and often nags the infirmary staff about it. Nino can only imagine what “Kazapon” would go through from the guy who successfully made every official in the Defense Corps shut up as he presented his theories.

Nino tries the usual places: the combat halls, the simulation rooms, even the hangar where repairs in the Sentinel are taking place. He carefully avoids the Shatterdome control room and Sho’s laboratory slash office. He tries the cafeteria multiple times and when he finally acknowledges that Jun can only be holed up in one place, he stands in front of the door to Jun’s quarters and knocks thrice.

There’s no response but Nino knows Jun’s probably looking through the peephole right now and he looks up so Jun can see his eyes. “Open up,” he says and waits, but there’s still nothing from the other side.

“Jun,” he calls out even if he’s not sure whether Jun hears him, “Jun, open up. It’s been three days.”

Three, and that’s counting from the day Aiba took him out of the infirmary. He was being treated for his injuries for a day and got stuck in the infirmary for another two days.

Jun hasn’t been out of his room in almost a week since the Kanagawa incident, and Nino all but begs him to open up. He can’t say whatever he has to say outside Jun’s door, and he knocks against the metal doors once more. “Please,” he says softly this time, “please open up.”

Nino doesn’t know how many seconds passed until he hears a click of the door unlocking, and Jun steps aside to let him in. Jun won’t look at him but Nino has seen enough. Jun didn’t sleep for days and probably ate very little, staying all cooped up in his quarters ever since Nino compromised things accidentally.

Jun leans against the door and looks at him expectantly, and Nino grabs the desk chair nearby to sit on it. He doesn’t trust his knees not to give way, not when he and Jun are finally going to talk about what happened when Nino threw them out of alignment.

From Nino’s experience, it’s best to be blunt about these things from the very beginning, and he takes a deep breath before squaring his shoulders and meeting Jun’s eyes.

“I fucked up,” he admits, but before Jun can say anything he holds up a hand. Jun needs to hear him out, and as soon as he got his mouth open, the words just came. “And I’m also fucked up. As you’ve seen back there. As you now know in case you didn’t think I was despite being inside my head multiple times. I thought I was okay but I’m really not. I’m just… really good at faking it. I keep it together because that’s what expected of me, but I’m also stupid enough to believe that I’ve silenced my ghosts when in reality they just took a break from haunting me.”

Jun doesn’t say anything so Nino continues. “It took me one road sign. Just one welcome sign to remember it all over again, and you know what? Ohno’s right. He has always been right. I’m not ready. I tried to be ready, I even acted like I was ready. I got so good at acting that even I believed it. But just one road sign from that day and I was back.” He laughs bitterly. “I’m fucked up, Jun. I probably was even before, but when she died, I don’t know, maybe it got worse. Maybe it screwed me up so bad even if I was already screwed up.”

Jun looks confused, his eyebrows coming together and Nino sighs, feeling extremely tired. The kind of exhaustion no amount of rest can fix. “I told you how sorry I was. Before, in here. I told you that, but I never told you how much of a pretentious fuck I am that I act like I’m brave enough to face my issues when in reality I just run away from them. I run using the Sentinel. When I step inside that Jaeger I feel like I have a purpose, like I’m not as useless as I truly am and I’m not a failure. I feel like I can be someone she’d be proud of. I fool myself into thinking that every time I get into that robot with you because I’m full of it. I use that privilege to tell myself that I’m good at something when I’m hardly able to keep it together once I start listening to the things inside my head. There’s so much fucked up stuff in here, you know?” He points to his temple, never looking away from Jun’s eyes. “I don’t know how you handle seeing that every time we drift because I use the drift to run away from it. I use the drift to cope because I can’t cope with the many things I brought upon myself.”

He leans back, laughing a little at his state. He doesn’t even know if he’s saying anything that makes sense, if he’s making any sense to Jun right now. All he knows is that Jun has to hear everything. “The guilt from when I left her, the regret from when I didn’t stop her from going, the guilt from when I realized that it’s not your fault, the regret that I blamed you for everything even still. It’s a cycle. It just keeps on going despite the focus shifting. Guilt comes hand in hand with regret and even if I act like it’s not affecting me, it does. It still does. The mission I fucked up is the proof of it. I act like I can keep it together because there’s nothing else I’m good at. I’m only good at acting, at lying to myself and to everyone else, at the confident and witty comebacks. That’s what I’m good at, Jun. I’m a really talented faker because I can’t sort my head out, and guess what, I endangered us both because of it. All because I can’t admit it to myself that I’ll never be good at anything else. I got so good at lying that for a moment it all felt real.”

Jun doesn’t look away, but Nino can’t read the expression on his face. Maybe because he’s totally out of sorts. He never talked about himself this way before. The drift makes it almost impossible to do so. When Nino’s drifting with Jun, he feels as if nothing else needs to be said because they just know.

But Nino’s getting something officer training never taught him, that suppressed emotions are not advisable when you’re inside a Jaeger because it can kill them. All the ugly things inside his head could have killed him and Jun. Jeopardizing the mission was one thing, but no one ever warned him about the severity of being compromised mentally and emotionally, so he’s learning it the hard way.

“I could have gotten the both of us killed,” he murmurs quietly, staring into Jun’s eyes. “All because I’m so screwed up. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you got me as a co-pilot. I’m sorry that these are the things about me that you got to know in this way. You told me once that you get scared. I never told you how scared I am, how much of a coward I am that I can’t even face the things I’ve created with my own hands. It’s funny. When I’m out there and inside a Jaeger I feel like I can cast a large shadow and make a change. I’m so absorbed with the idea of changing something in the world that I forgot how much fixing I needed to undergo. I’m sorry. I told you that before, but I need you to know. I’m so sorry, Jun-kun. I’m sorry for how I am. I’m not who I want to be. I’m sorry that you’re part of this… this failure that I am.”

Nino buries his face in his hands, breathing heavily. He’s trembling once more and he somehow wishes Riisa was here to take his shaking hands and give him a glass of water like before. His problem, Nino realizes, is not about being unable to let people go. Rather, it’s about him being unable to acknowledge that he’s incapable of letting things go out of fear of being alone. It only got worse when Riisa died. The reality of his fear regarding solitude hit him in the worst way possible, by creeping up inside him unknowingly and showing itself when he least expected it, when his defenses were down.

And instead of just him paying for that miss, Jun is paying too, because Jun is his right and has always been that way ever since they drifted for the first time.

“You’ve seen it,” Jun says after a moment and Nino looks up, listening. “What I tried to hide. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. You know the risks yourself. They teach you that in officer training. I tried to do it because I couldn’t deal with myself.”

Nino remembers the scars he saw on Jun’s skin, patterns which looked like raised lightning that served as a reminder of what Jun tried to do, of what Jun did. Nino looks around and sees that like in his own quarters, there are no mirrors in Jun’s.

Perhaps he’s not the only one terrified of reflections.

Jun laughs softly, a bitter sound that’s identical to what Nino did earlier. “And when it didn’t work, when they got me out of the Sentinel before I made it through the doors, guess what I did?” Jun looks at him and Nino waits. “I ran. I quit the program and tried to find something else to do. Tried to be useful. You lifted steel bars in Fukuoka. I made those steel bars in Hiroshima, became a factory worker because I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stand being in a Jaeger because it reminded me of how deluded I was. I thought I was invincible when I was inside the Sentinel. I thought I could take on anything, could beat whatever monster the skies unleashed.”

Jun’s eyes never stray from his. “What I didn’t realize was that I’m the enemy I can’t beat, that I killed monsters because I can’t kill the monster inside me. But since I’m stubborn, I tried anyway. I got inside the Sentinel, wondered how much neural load I could take before I seized up, but since I’m stubborn, it didn’t work. I’m still here. In the end I went back here to Osaka. You came here to silence your ghosts. I came here only to find them waiting for me all this time.”

Nino understands. It didn’t matter where they ran. It didn’t matter if the ghosts followed them or waited for them. They never left no matter how hard they both tried. He and Jun are too alike in that aspect. Damaged, the both of them. The kind of broken that no amount of fixing would work on no matter how much time had passed. Jun is telling him these things because they’ve reached an understanding, something they stubbornly ignored the first time they had time to sit down and talk.

“I’m stubborn too,” Nino hears himself say and he laughs a little. “It would explain why I kept lying to myself. What an awful dose of luck, isn’t it, to find yourself stuck with someone probably as stubborn as you are?”

Maybe that’s how him and Jun became drift compatible. The system probably saw it before the both of them did. In a way, Nino admires the technology for catching on to something like that. He’ll never understand the science behind drifting and compatibility, but he’s starting to pick up a few pointers.

He wonders why he thought hiding these things was a good idea. He knows he’s afraid. He’s afraid of facing whatever issues he has with himself because facing them acknowledges that they’re real, and them being real is the most terrifying thought for him. In the end, not acknowledging them did more bad than good, and he’s filled with the familiar feeling of regret and guilt once more, the two emotions always go hand in hand.

“I’m sorry I failed you,” he says, looking at Jun. “But should the worst happen, when we’re out there fighting those monsters, will you trust me? To not knock both of us out of alignment, to not leave you, to have your back? I know it’s too much to ask. But I need to know. Will you?”

Jun doesn’t say anything for a while and Nino has to look away. He tells himself he’ll understand if Jun says otherwise. Jun has every right not to after everything that has happened.

“You’re my left,” Jun says suddenly and Nino looks up immediately, eyes wide. Jun lets out a small smile before nodding. “You’re my left. No matter how screwed up you are, I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

Nino never considered addressing these things before because of the drift. In the drift it seemed like he had nothing more to say, like nothing needed to be said at all. But here he is, learning it the hard way. He and Jun are probably not the ideal ranger combo. They both have demons they’re battling day by day in their own ways, but Nino finds that the idea of Jun being with him inside the Sentinel feels like a firm reminder, an assurance that he’s not alone no matter how much the universe makes it seem so.

He finds he can believe that, that he can trust in that. He may not believe in himself but he can believe in Jun, that when he’s inside the Sentinel Jun is with him and Jun won’t leave him. He’s Jun’s left as much as Jun is his right, and without him, Jun wouldn’t get anywhere and that just won’t do.

“I guess I’m shit for luck as much as you are then, seeing as you’re stuck with me,” he says before laughing, an honest sound of amusement and soon, Jun joins him.

--

“No,” Ohno says firmly, a little too quickly for Nino’s liking, but since Nino is stubborn, he tries again, only for Ohno to raise a hand to stop him from talking before repeating, “I said no, ranger.”

Ohno looks at him before turning to Jun. They’re standing outside the Shatterdome control room, having searched for Ohno as soon as they were done talking. As much as Nino wanted to preserve the moment, the comfortable state he and Jun found themselves in, they have no time.

“You two are grounded on the account of compromising the Kanagawa operation. I don’t care who did it. When you’re in a Jaeger, you’re both responsible for each other’s actions,” Ohno says in his usual calm voice. “And I told you before, ranger,” Ohno pauses, looking at him, “I need you on your feet, not on your knees. I can’t send the two of you to your deaths. If you want to die, I’m afraid you’re going to have to do it without my help.”

Nino doesn’t back down. “With all due respect, sir,” he says, and the corner of Ohno’s lips twitch, “Fukuoka’s gone and operation leave the planet is now botched because of it. You need all five Jaegers you have to carry out the plan, that one chance we have of reclaiming Tokyo and even the entirety of this country. I don’t know what happens with the rest of the world and if they’re fighting their way to freedom, but you can’t expect us to sit here and not do the same when the Sentinel’s working and simply waiting for us.”

“Aiba-chan,” Ohno murmurs, and Nino frowns. “He told you about Fukuoka.” It’s not even a question and Ohno doesn’t seem interested in the answer should Nino even attempt to deny it, so Nino doesn’t.

“Leader,” Jun says, the first time he speaks since they arrived in the control room, and Ohno’s attention shifts to him, “you have to give us the clear. You say you don’t want to send us to our deaths, but what are you doing with the others? Why keep us here when we can help? We screwed up, yes, and while I can’t promise it won’t happen again, you have no choice but to risk it.”

Ohno takes a deep breath, like he already saw this coming. Nino’s actually thankful he’s got Jun on his side. Maybe Aiba was right. “What are you two asking of me, really? If not to trust you, what are you asking from me?” Ohno asks.

He and Jun share a glance and Nino just nods. “Give us the clear,” Jun says without hesitation and it even sounds like an order. “It’s up to you if you can find it in you to believe in us. But what we’re asking for is pretty simple. Just give us the clear.”

Ohno suddenly turns to him, and Nino can’t read the expression in Ohno’s face. “Are you ready for this?” Ohno asks in all seriousness.

Nino thinks about the question and all implications of it. Is he ready to do his part in the plan? Is he ready to see things until the end?

More importantly, is he ready to trust Jun completely?

“Yes,” he answers, and for a while Ohno just stares at him, as if measuring his honesty. Nino thinks Ohno is the only person in the Shatterdome who has seen through him since day one, the only person who saw how much hiding he’s doing.

Ohno lets out a long sigh. “The plan proceeds the day after tomorrow,” he informs them, and Nino grins. “The drop-off is at Koto so you can team up with the aid Korea sends our way. From there, everything else is the same. Fight your way to Sumida. When you see your chance, take it. The Air Force is still on your side and will help you in any way they can. You’ve got more than twenty-four hours to prepare yourselves for it, so I suggest you do whatever kind of mental preparation you think you need.”

He and Jun incline their head in understanding and thanks and Ohno waves the both of them off, shaking his head. They’re not even ten paces away from Ohno when they hear Ohno call them back.

This time, Ohno’s grinning. “I forgot,” he says, looking incredibly amused, “you guys need Sho-kun’s approval too. So before you prepare yourselves, find him first. But don’t tell him I sent you. I’ll never hear the end of it.”

“We can’t say you gave us the clear until he gives it to us as well?” Nino confirms and Ohno nods. “Wow, thanks. Your analyst is one uptight man, just so you know. I don’t think he has forgiven me for taking off from the infirmary, so this will probably go very, very smoothly. I’m really looking forward to it.”

Ohno lets out a chuckle. “Stop by the cafeteria before you find him,” Ohno advises, a significant glint in his eye. “Sho-kun is easier to reason with if you bring something else to help convince him.”

--

It takes them a bunch of witty comebacks and a bit of fresh Wakayama shellfish from the cafeteria to get Sho’s begrudging clear, and Nino laughs at Sho’s face when Jun finally tells the analyst that it was Ohno who put them up to it.

Sho only looks annoyed for a moment, but then his expression shifts once he meets Nino’s eyes. “I trust Satoshi-kun’s instincts regarding this. If he gave you the okay to be part of the mission then you’re probably okay to go. Maybe he saw some change in you, in Jun, or in the both of you. Whatever it is, it’s not my place to pry anymore. Now I still haven’t forgiven you for leaving the infirmary without permission, but that’s something we have to settle for another day.”

Nino grins, cocking his head to the side. “Why, Sho-yan,” he says, drawling out the nickname, “I didn’t know you cared that much, that the first thing you intend on doing if I do manage to survive is to grill me on infirmary protocol. This makes the prospect of dying kind of appealing.”

Sho raises an eyebrow as Jun lets out an amused laugh. “If you do survive, you’re still going straight to the infirmary so there’s no escape this time, Nino. Even if you rope Aiba into helping you.”

“If,” Nino repeats quietly, looking at Sho seriously, and Sho suddenly turns serious before sighing, his shoulders slumping.

“If,” Sho says, pushing his glasses up his nasal bridge. He suddenly looks tired. “I’m sorry I can’t be of any help anymore. I’m just full of theories. Even now I can’t prove there is a queen there somewhere. The rest of the world is acting according to my theories but what if I’m wrong? What if there’s nothing out there and it’s just a trap? I’ll be the guy who sent you all to your deaths.”

“That’s true,” Nino says and from the corner of his eye he can see Jun fixing him a look. Nino doesn’t let it bother him. “If you’re wrong, we’re going to die trusting your word. That’s a lot of baggage, and it’s nothing I can help you with. But think of it this way. You’re a smart guy. Probably the smartest guy and subsequently the most uptight person in this Shatterdome at that.” Sho shoots him a glare for that comment and he grins. “All the praise for your intelligence aside, we’re acting on your words because we believe you, we believe in you. If you’re wrong, well, we’re all fucked, but we’re all fucked either way so maybe it doesn’t make that much difference anymore.”

He keeps his eyes on Sho, smiling a little at the sight of Sho’s unkempt hair, the bags under his eyes. The proof of Sho’s diligence and unwavering desire to help out in his own way up until the very end. “Besides, I’d rather die listening to you. Won’t be such a bad way to go.”

Nino sees Jun smiling at his words, but Jun doesn’t say anything. Sho looks a little emotional for a moment, but he manages to blink the expression away. “If you make it, I’ll make sure you’re going to have to listen to me all the time,” Sho warns. “Both of you at that. You’re going to have to listen to anything I say if you get back here.”

Nino makes a pained face. “That doesn’t sound like an incentive, Sho-chan,” he mutters, making Jun laugh loudly.

--

Jun finds him in the hangar bridge after their trip to Sho’s office. He claimed that he had some things to attend to and Jun excused himself as well, but Nino wasn’t in the hangar for long when he heard the familiar sound of Jun’s footsteps. He came here to think, to ask himself some questions before tomorrow comes, but of course Jun finds him before he even gets to the good part.

Jun stands beside him, and they both look at the Sentinel towering over them. It looks invincible in its restored dark blue metal plating, like the heroes in the many games Nino played back in the days. Knowing that it’s going to move because of him and Jun sends a thrill though him, and for a moment, he believes he is invincible too.

“Am I the only one?” he hears himself asking as they watch engineers flutter about under them and handle minor repairs in the Sentinel’s footing. Jun turns to him in confusion and he nods. “Am I the only one, Jun-kun, who feels like I can win when I look at her like this? Like we can actually get to Sumida and make it back alive?”

“No,” Jun answers immediately, his hands holding on to the railing of the bridge. “Right now I feel that too. Like we can actually make it. But at the same time, I know if I step inside her cockpit tomorrow, the fear will be back. Probably tripled at this rate. I don’t think that fear will go away.”

Nino focuses on the Sentinel’s gigantic head instead of looking at Jun. “I never asked you what you’re scared of. I feel it in the drift. Every time we drift I feel your fear like it is my own. It mixes with my own, I guess. But I never asked what it is that terrifies you exactly. It’s not dying. I’ve been in your head for so many times to know that you, like me, are not afraid of that. So what is it?”

From his periphery he can see Jun’s grip on the railing tightening, his knuckles turning white. “You’ve been in my head for so many times,” Jun tells him, “so aren’t you supposed to know already? Why are you even asking me to say it?”

Nino’s answer is immediate. “Because I need to hear it from you.”

Jun looks at him then, and Nino faces him. “Sometimes I feel like drifting with you makes me know everything about you,” Nino says, his eyes fixed on the different marks on Jun’s face, tiny imperfections that Nino has gotten so used to seeing. He wonders if this is the last time he can look at them freely. “I mean, I know that you grazed your knee when you fell off a swing when you were six and you acted like a big boy and didn’t cry until you got inside your own room. I know you hated Titanic’s ending because for you Jack wasn’t supposed to die, and that you adored Sister Act 2. I know you had a Dragonball Z poster in your room, and I know you get really embarrassed when I say these things out loud.”

Nino laughs at Jun’s face, how his cheeks are flushed and how he refuses to look at Nino anymore. Somehow, Nino wants to preserve this moment forever: the Sentinel standing right before them as he watches Jun’s reactions, the way Jun is torn between smiling sheepishly and holding it all back to appear tough. He finds himself enjoying this, this little bit of time he has with Jun, and he wonders if this is what Ohno meant with doing whatever preparation they think they need. For his part, he knows he needs this. He and Jun had unstable foundations, bound by a past that keeps on haunting them even as they try to move on. He needs to see Jun like this, needs Jun to say the things which they both thought need not to be said anymore.

But first, Nino has to say the words and not cower. He thinks he’s done a lot of hiding already.

“For all I know about you, I don’t seem to know the important ones,” he says, turning his gaze back to the Sentinel. “I know you know I’m scared too, and that I’m trying hard not to think of tomorrow because it might overwhelm me, but what you don’t know is what exactly I’m afraid of. But I need you to know before it’s too late. I have so many regrets, Jun-kun, so I’m scared of you becoming a part of them. I don’t want you to be part of them.” He smiles, trying to imprint the memory of the Sentinel watching over them. For a moment he wonders if his sister can see this. Would she be proud of him?

“I lost a co-pilot once,” Jun suddenly murmurs, and Nino turns, seeing Jun looking at him with an expression he never saw on Jun’s face before. “And I’m scared of losing another.” The admission sends a different kind of thrill in Nino, nothing like the one he felt earlier when he saw the Sentinel, but something raw and unexplored, something that threatens to take over him, devour him even.

And yet for once, he’s not afraid.

He’s not afraid of the unfamiliarity because it’s Jun.

“I’m scared of losing you,” Jun finishes, and this time, Nino doesn’t suppress himself from reaching out. It’s something he has always wanted to do, something he limited himself to doing only when he’s sparring with him. But now that the world is ending and he’s face to face with the one person who trusts him completely despite seeing the demons inside his head, he finds he can be brave.

He touches the sides of Jun’s face lightly, trying to remember the feeling of Jun’s skin under his fingertips for the first time. It might be the last and Nino wants to commit everything to memory. If he dies, he wants to remember how it feels like to have Jun’s comforting warmth under his fingers.

Jun shivers at the contact, but he neither shies nor looks away. Nino thinks he can hear Jun’s heartbeat and wonders if Jun can hear his too. When his fingers dance over Jun’s lips, Jun visibly trembles, his grip on the railing becoming tighter. Nino wants him more than ever, all his imperfections, his shyness, his uncertainties, his fears. Nino wants everything all at once, and he wonders if Jun can feel it, if Jun wants all of it as much as he does.

“I almost lost you in Kanagawa,” Jun whispers, and Nino has heard enough. He reaches for Jun, fingers a little forceful, a bit demanding as they hold Jun’s face, and he pulls Jun down to him to finally find out for himself what kissing Jun feels like. Jun lets out a strangled sound at the contact, but then he sighs, holding Nino in place and tilting his head to kiss back. Maybe they both held themselves back, on account of their rough beginnings.

“Kanagawa’s my fault,” Nino says in between kisses, his grip on Jun tightening. He feels like he’s floating and he needs Jun to anchor him to what’s real. He’s not sure if this is all happening, and for a moment he forgets about the damn kaiju and the impending apocalypse and just clings to Jun’s warmth. Jun’s presence, as always, grounds him, reminds him of the important things. “That was all me. I nearly lost you there.”

Jun kisses him silent, one hand on his nape to push them closer, like there’s still an ounce of space between them. Nino doesn’t have to be in Jun’s head to know that Jun needs him, too. He can feel it in the way Jun holds him, the way Jun’s fingers try to possess everything all at once. Jun’s selfish, something Nino has known ever since they drifted, and of course it extends to this.

Nino breaks the kiss to press his forehead against Jun’s, their breaths mingling. He doesn’t want to let go and Jun doesn’t, too, but this isn’t the right place. “Tomorrow,” Nino whispers, focusing on the feeling of Jun in his hands, “you’re not allowed to die on me. You’re allowed to call me a snotty kid and pin me down when we’re sparring, but you’re not allowed to die on me. You got that?”

Jun leans forward to kiss him again and Nino allows it, but only for a moment. He pulls back to ask, “Promise me that,” but Jun doesn’t, and Nino doesn’t need the drift to know what he’s thinking. He holds Jun’s face in his hands, his thumbs stroking Jun’s cheekbones. He wants to touch everything he can’t bear to lose, wants to try holding him in his hands because maybe he can protect him better that way, keep him from slipping away without warning.

“That’s my line,” Jun says, sounding a little anguished as he puts their foreheads together. Nino can feel Jun trembling under his fingers, all nervous energy uncoiling at once. He can almost touch Jun’s fear. “Don’t you dare die on me tomorrow. You can insult my taste in movies, mock my eyebrows, but don’t you do that. Not tomorrow, not ever.”

Nino laughs a little, something Jun silences with another desperate kiss, and Nino feels like too much is happening at once. He thinks he can hear everything and nothing at the same time, thinks he’s aware of where he is and nothing else but Jun, aware of how Jun feels against him and how Jun tastes like when pressed against his lips. It’s like everything is heightened and hastened but also muted and slowed down, like time is running out but standing still at the same time.

“Jun,” he manages to whisper, and Jun makes a frustrated growl, letting go of him to take his hand, already leading them out of the hangar. Nino entangles his fingers with Jun’s, squeezing Jun’s hand, and Jun just holds on to him tighter. Maybe he doesn’t want to let go either. Maybe this is something he doesn’t want to lose but to fiercely protect with all his might. Maybe this is what they’re truly scared of, the idea of finding something only to lose it again.

Nino leads Jun to his room, feeling only a bit of hesitation on Jun’s part before Jun follows, and he barely has the door shut before Jun reaches for him, nothing too different from the way Nino made the first move earlier.

Jun kisses him like he wants to possess all of him, and Nino retaliates by doing the same, by burying his fingers in Jun’s hair as Jun holds on to him. Jun’s hair is longer now compared to the first time they saw each other, a reminder that they’ve already gone through a lot together, and it only makes Nino cling to Jun tighter.

In his hands, in his mouth, Jun feels too warm, like a ball of fire that will engulf Nino at any chance it gets. His blood feels like it’s boiling and he feels stuffed, as if he’s burning from the inside. Jun pushes him towards the bed and he pulls Jun down with him, silencing any protests Jun might have with a kiss as searing as the one they shared before.

Jun’s fingers are quick and precise in their movements, easily divesting Nino of the Shatterdome-issued jumpsuit, and Nino shivers at the contrast he suddenly feels against his skin. He thinks the temperature in his room has abruptly dropped because Jun is too hot, even scorching underneath his fingers when Nino holds on to him as Jun moves to press his lips against Nino’s neck. Nino cards his fingers through Jun’s hair, pushing him closer to where he needs him and he bucks, one hand grasping Jun’s bicep like an anchor, finding that his body is reacting on its own as a response to Jun’s efforts.

He feels fingers slipping underneath his tank top and he opens his eyes to see Jun watching his every reaction, like Jun can’t keep away and can’t stop looking at him, like he’d disappear anytime. Nino helps Jun get his top off, and he pushes himself to sit up and assure Jun that he’s here, that he’s not going anywhere.

“I’m right here,” he breathes, and Jun looks cornered, so very similar to the first time they met. Nino reaches for his face to plant reassuring kisses on his mouth. He can sense Jun’s fear, the way it seeps through the cracks and reveals its terrifying self. It feels real, even solid. Jun’s shaking, his heart rate spiking in his chest under Nino’s fingertips, and Nino wants to reassure him again. “I’m here, Jun. I’m not going anywhere.”

It may not be what Jun wants to hear from him, but Nino doesn’t want to lie. He doesn’t know what will happen tomorrow, but he can promise on whatever happens tonight. He’s here and he doesn’t plan on leaving Jun alone, and that’s something Jun needs to hear.

“I’m right here,” he repeats, and Jun kisses him, hard enough that he can feel the line of Jun’s teeth against his lips. Jun’s hands are as desperate as his own when they come together to work on the buttons of Jun’s jumpsuit, and Nino wastes no time to remove Jun’s shirt the moment he grabs hold of it.

He pulls back from Jun’s intoxicating kisses to push the material over Jun’s head and he automatically reaches out to touch the bits of raised skin he can see on Jun’s sides, beginning from his ribs and running as far as his spine, the residues of Jun’s guilt. He runs his fingers over them, trying to memorize the self-inflicted scars by touch alone, and he somehow manages to push Jun to the side to flip their positions.

Before Jun can say anything Nino leans down, pressing kisses to the patterns on Jun’s skin, taking delight in the way Jun’s body reacts, all tense muscles loosening up. He wants all of Jun, Jun’s regrets, Jun’s doubts, Jun’s secrets. He wants everything and more at the same time, and he tries to let Jun know by mapping Jun’s skin with his fingers and his mouth, spreading warmth and familiarity, claiming everything he can see by stroking his fingers over it and planting kisses wherever he can.

He tries to find all of the markings on Jun’s lithe body hardened by training, guilt, and years that passed by. He attempts to remember all of them, their locations, their appearances, their differences. There’s so much about Jun that he wants to know, so many aspects of Jun he wants to learn over and over again despite what little time they have.

Nino yanks the rest of Jun’s clothing down Jun’s shins, and Jun helpfully kicks them off, sending them somewhere to the foot of the bed. Nino doesn’t care anymore, and he fumbles with the waistband of Jun’s boxers for a moment as Jun leans on his elbows and meets him in the middle for another kiss.

“Come on,” he says impatiently against Jun’s lips, yanking at the elastic band of Jun’s boxers for emphasis, and Jun grins before complying, lifting his hips off the bed so Nino can remove the last article of clothing from Jun’s body.

He doesn’t ask, just kisses Jun again as he sets himself astride Jun, one hand on his nape and the other on his now-exposed length. He hears Jun sigh against his mouth when he strokes experimentally, trying to determine the proper friction that will send Jun panting, and presses kisses down Jun’s neck while adjusting his grip.

He nips at Jun’s neck, tasting every bit of Jun’s skin under his lips, feeling Jun’s pulse thumping frantically. Nino thinks it’s just like drifting, the way Jun’s blood pumps rapidly and how Jun’s heart rate matches his own. Like this, Nino feels as if they’re one, sharing the same consciousness despite them not being in the Sentinel.

Just like this, Nino feels brave, powerful, even invincible.

Jun arches into his touch, but bites his lip to keep anymore sounds from coming out. Nino pauses in his movements and looks at Jun, at the almost-black eyes that have been honest from the very beginning.

“Let me hear you,” Nino asks, pleads. “I need to hear you.”

Nino moves his hand again and this time Jun gasps, his lower lip quivering as he throws his head back, and it’s like watching something simultaneously precious and forbidden. Nino leans forward to lick one long stripe along Jun’s neck, nipping lightly at Jun’s throat when Jun swallows a lungful of air in an attempt to keep himself grounded. When Nino’s hand squeezes, Jun lets out a tiny high-pitched breath, and Nino wants to hear him make that sound again so he moves his hand faster, listening to Jun’s hitched breaths as Jun bucks helplessly into his fist.

His movements are suddenly stopped by Jun's hand wrapping around his wrist. Jun's breathing raggedly as they look at each other, and there's such intensity in his eyes that Nino tries to move his hand again, but Jun's grip tightens. Nino wants to kiss him and hear him moan once more but Jun shakes his head. Jun’s hands reach for his jumpsuit, still wrapped around his waist and Nino smiles, kissing the corner of Jun’s mouth before getting off the bed to remove his clothes himself.

He hisses a little when cool air hits his skin but Jun immediately pulls him back onto the bed, and Nino situates himself astride Jun once more. He grinds down and Jun clings to his hips, letting out a garbled groan at the feeling as Nino hisses through his teeth. Jun cranes his neck to kiss him and Nino responds with eagerness, letting Jun’s hands touch every bit of him, up the small of his back, his hips, his sides. Jun’s fingers trace his spine with certainty and he shivers, feeling like he can get lost in this.

The Shatterdome is peaceful around them, no flutter of movement outside his room and no announcements can be heard from the speakers. The alarms are silent and there’s nothing but the constant buzzing mixed with the sound of his and Jun’s breath resonating in Nino’s ears. When he inhales he smells Jun— a tangy, almost musky hint of a scent that makes him heady, and he hardly resists.

Nino forgets tomorrow. All he can focus on is the feeling of Jun under him, the scent of Jun mixed with his, the look in Jun’s eyes that tells him everything he needs to know. He moves, grinding his hips against Jun’s as he swallows Jun’s appreciative moans with chaste brushes of his lips. He wants to remember all of this and not think about anything else.

Jun nips his earlobe while he continues moving, providing the much needed friction that makes both of them shudder. The sharp sensation makes him grind down harder— a motion that sends them both reeling even more and with Jun shakily whispering his name against his ear. He feels something snap inside of him, makes him feel like he’s drowning and yet he welcomes it, wants to hear it all the time.

“Again,” Nino begs, and it’s becoming harder to breathe. His room suddenly feels cramped and there’s heat inside him that threatens to burst out and scorch everything in its path. “Say that again.” He sounds fractured, almost wrecked as he cants his hips up and Jun meets his eyes, the want and desperation so obvious in the way Jun looks at him. His thighs are shaking and his toes are curling, but he ceases movement if only to hear Jun grant his request.

“Kazu,” Jun breathes, and Nino kisses him as he moves once more, tiny jerks of his hips that soon turn too desperate, too needy. Jun needs him, and he can hear it in Jun’s strangled voice as Jun repeats his name. He rocks himself against Jun, the tiny gasps of his name urging him on as Jun clings to him. He can feel himself getting close with each shaky breath, with each snap of his hips. Just one thing, one push from Jun and it’ll all be over for him.

“If I don’t make it,” Jun suddenly says and Nino’s eyes snap open. He’s still trapped in his haze so it takes him a few moments, but when it sinks in, he bites at Jun’s bottom lip in anger.

“Don’t fucking say that to me,” he all but snarls, kissing Jun with more teeth this time. His movements slow down, but Jun’s fingers are still holding on to him tightly, his blunt nails digging into Nino’s hips. “Don’t. Don’t ever say that.”

Jun kisses him, hard enough to silence him, and Nino gasps against Jun’s mouth when he feels Jun’s hand reaching between them, grabbing hold of him. “Jun,” he whispers, and he’s aware he sounds a little broken. Jun plants a kiss to his cheek before stroking fast, his forehead against Nino’s as he breathes hard.

“If I don’t make it, promise me you won’t do as I did,” Jun tells him, voice desperate and hand insistent, but Nino understands. He buries his face in Jun’s neck, hating how selfish Jun is for asking this of him. He shakes his head repeatedly, unable to form words as his hips eagerly meet every movement Jun’s hand makes.

Everything is happening in flashes, in bursts of heat and pleasure, and as much as Nino wants to bask in it, to let it all down him, Jun doesn’t let him. He quickly realizes that Jun will be his undoing, that he has surrendered all he has left to Jun because he has nothing else left to give. He can’t promise anything so he chooses to say nothing, trying to push Jun’s request out of his mind. He focuses on Jun’s scent, Jun’s hand on him, and replays the look on Jun’s face when they first kissed. It’s everything he doesn’t want to let go, everything he can’t let go of.

Jun’s other hand latches on to his hip, squeezing tightly, and it grabs his attention despite him nearly losing himself in the sensations. “Promise me you won’t spend your days blaming yourself if anything happens to me.”

Fuck you, Nino wants to say, fuck you for being like this, for asking this from me. Jun looks out for him even up to now and Nino hates him for it. Jun nudges him with a shoulder and Nino can hear Jun’s breath hitching— Jun’s close and it won’t be long for him either.

Nino lifts his head and braces himself by clinging to Jun’s broad, sweat-slickened shoulders. He meets Jun’s eyes and wills himself to preserve this moment in his head: the sight of Jun needy, his pupils blown and lips swollen, his cheeks flushed from the exertion, his breath heaving. He looks so beautiful to Nino’s eyes and he’s everything Nino doesn’t want to lose.

“If I make it,” he says in quick breaths before reaching down and taking Jun in his hand, watching how Jun’s mouth parts open in a shuddering breath, “then you make it too.” He squeezes and Jun arches, losing himself abruptly, and the sight of him coming undone is what brings Nino to the brink.

He falls forward, panting against Jun’s neck as Jun leans back with their combined weights against the headboard, his breath rushed and heartbeat in a frenzy. Nino doesn’t know if Jun’s shivering because of what just happened or out of fear, so he pulls back a little, holding Jun’s face in his hands.

“I won’t accept anything else,” he whispers, stroking Jun’s cheeks, finding them hot to the touch. Jun is so warm and his presence is so comforting, even reassuring. Nino wants to remain like this for as long as he can, entirely absorbed in the feeling of Jun all over him. This is much better than being in the drift, he realizes. In the drift he can always find Jun, see Jun waiting for him, but here he knows that Jun is with him, is sure that Jun isn’t going anywhere without him.

He brushes off a lock of stray hair from Jun’s sweaty forehead before kissing each of Jun’s eyelids, the tip of his nose. He traces the outline of Jun’s lips with shaky fingers, lingering a little on the marks he sees above, under, and on Jun’s lips. He recalls the other markings on Jun’s skin and likes that he remembers more than he expected.

Nino lets out a soft laugh, pressing his forehead against Jun’s. “You’re really stupid for asking, you know that? As if I’d do it. As if I’d actually listen to you. You’re not half as badass as Sho is and I didn’t even listen to him. What made you think I’d listen to anything you say?”

Jun laughs a little, pressing back. “Don’t talk about Sho when we’re like this. It really kills the mood.”

Nino chuckles, planting a chaste kiss at the corner of Jun’s lips. “Whatever happens tomorrow,” he says, fingers tracing patterns down Jun’s neck, his chest, until Nino reaches his scars and maps them thoroughly, “I’m with you.”

All the way, until the end, he doesn’t say, because he doesn’t think he has to. They don’t need the drift to understand one another. Nino knows that Jun understands, that Jun knows. He probably must have known all along, but because he’s stubborn, he still tried to change Nino’s mind. Like it would work. Maybe Jun forgot how stubborn he could be too.

Jun kisses him and Nino loses himself in it. He may not be able to promise Jun a lot of things, but this is one promise that will do, that he’ll stick with Jun for as long as he’s allowed to, for as long as Jun needs him to.

Whatever happens tomorrow, he’s not leaving Jun, and somewhere deep inside in Nino, he knows it’s the same for Jun. If they make it, they will make it together.

Together, or not at all.

--

The morning of doomsday, as Nino likes to call it, started with him discovering how terrible Jun is in the mornings, something he continues laughing about as they let the drivesuit technicians to strap them up.

Afterwards, when they are walking to the Sentinel’s Conn-Pod, Nino stops Jun with a hand on his elbow. Jun looks at him quizzically, but Nino just shrugs before holding out his palm.

Jun recognizes the object, but still looks up at him in confusion. Nino takes one of Jun’s hands and places the string bracelet in Jun’s palm. “I gave this to her for good luck,” he says even if Jun already knows it, having seen the memory so many times. “And right now I want you to have it.”

“Why?” Jun asks, his uncertainty seeping through his features and eventually reaching Nino.

Nino takes a deep breath as he squeezes Jun’s hand once, smiling before letting go. “What do you think? For good luck. If we make it, you can give it back to me. But till then, it’s yours.”

He enters the Sentinel’s cockpit without looking back, hearing Jun’s footsteps following him after a while. Jun doesn’t ask anymore as he stands on the right and puts on his helmet, letting the machines around them do the work.

“By the way, I need to tell you that you’re so incredibly unattractive in the mornings,” Nino says to lighten the mood as the spinal clamp latches on their suits, and he hears Jun snort. “Like, if I had known you’d look like that, I would have done it earlier.”

“Don’t say it,” Jun says, and Nino laughs because he knows everyone in the control room can hear them and Jun is embarrassed. The relay gel paints their helmets yellow and soon enough, Nino’s in the drift, getting an influx of Jun’s memories in a matter of seconds before the world rights itself again.

He likes being in the drift because Jun can see and hear whatever he’s thinking, although Nino’s only found a great use for the privilege now. He spends the majority of the travel to Koto in silence, but when he finally sees the edges of the ruined port, he begins recalling the memories of last night.

Nino can feel Jun’s sudden embarrassment followed by slight exasperation and he laughs as Jun groans. “This is neither the right place nor the right time,” Jun tells him, but because he’s Nino, he goes for the gold.

He recalls how Jun's touches made him feel and how he savored the look on Jun's face as Jun came undone, and he almost laughs at Jun's pointed thought of Kazu. Even without hearing Jun's tone he can feel how Jun admonishes him, and his response to that is to recall how Jun said his name for the first time.

"More like moaned," he murmurs quietly, and he laughs loudly as Jun threatens bodily harm through the meld.

"Kinky," he comments, recalling how often Jun had him pinned down in the combat halls. It feels like a memory of a lifetime ago. "I knew you enjoyed pinning me down in the combat grounds. I was only half-joking that time I called you out on it because deep inside, I just knew it!"

Sho's disapproving voice cuts through the one-sided conversation he's having with his co-pilot via the comms. "Improper use of the communications device, Nino. You do know we can hear you, right?"

"And you know I don't really care," he says, laughing a little. "Indulge a dying man, all right? If I make it then you can scold me about propriety all you want."

He shifts his thoughts to remember how good being with Jun felt last night, how every kiss felt like coming home and finding a home at the same time, and how every touch felt like an anchor, a stability he always knew he needed but only found the night before. He lets Jun know that he felt safe and secure, allowing his emotions to speak for him, and he can sense something similar coming from Jun, followed by Jun’s gratitude.

Sometimes, it amazes him how Jun’s warmth radiates even in the drift. It feels so tangible that Nino thinks he can reach out and take it, cherish it forever. Maybe he feels it because he’s grown too familiar with Jun to be able to tell. Maybe it’s the same for Jun, easily finding a place in the drift where everything’s comfortable and nothing needs to be said, for they said everything they needed each other to know.

They’ve come so far, the both of them. Nino thinks of Riisa and imagines her being proud of him, and he feels Jun’s assurances through the connection. For once, he listens to Jun and believes him. Nino’s still far from the person he wishes to become, but he’s getting there and that’s something to take pride in. Should he need someone to remind him of the important things, there’s always Jun beside him, a presence he’s grown accustomed with before he even realized it. Nino won’t let go of this one until his dying breath, not if he can help it.

The chinooks carrying the Sentinel drop them close to the coast, with Cruiser and Diablo trudging before them. Inferno and Thunderbolt are somewhere close by, and to their left, Nino can see two unfamiliar Jaegers from Korea.

He senses Jun bracing himself, and Nino finds his courage in that. He thinks about Jun beside him and uses it to ground himself in case he relapses. He remembers Jun’s words from last night, from Jun’s admissions to his needy whispers, as well as all the little things about him that Nino can’t bear to part with and he vows he’ll do all he can to protect all of that.

He failed Jun once. He’ll do everything in his power not to fail Jun again, not when Jun needs him now more than ever.

They continue on, all fourteen of them inside seven vessels which carry the hopes of a nation once lost, and Nino thinks, as he sees the sun rise and bathe them in a blanket of harmless, almost ethereal glow, today is a day worth living.


Part 5