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ninoexchange2015-06-20 09:37 pm
nino-mod.livejournal.com) wrote in ninoexchange2015-06-20 09:37 pm
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fic for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
yoshiblack16
For: yoshiblack16
From:icecreamsuki
Title: What was best for him
Pairing: Ohmiya, Arashi gen
Rating: PG
Genre: mild angst, fluff
Warnings: person with disability, autism, caregiver fatigue
Summary: My Girl AU, three years after their mom died but they still lived together. And they struggle in figuring out what was best for Nino.
Note: I didn't change the characters to their My Girl names. Instead I used their first names because it was less confusing that way, at least for me. It ended up quite Ohno-centric, but the story still revolved around Nino so I'm hoping it's okay.
~~~
"Satoshi?" Sho asked quietly as he carefully approached his brother.
"I'm tired, Sho," Satoshi said, and with the way Satoshi's voice broke, trembling as he was holding the soiled underwear in his hands, Sho could tell that it was concerning Kazu.
“Can't you make him normal, Sho?”
~~~
Shortly after their mother gave birth to Satoshi, she found out she was pregnant once again with Sho. They were basically like twins, sharing the same classes, and even as adults they were sharing the same bedroom in their house. Their three younger brothers called the eldest Sato-nii, yet Satoshi had forbidden Sho to address him that way from the start. He was merely Satoshi – Satoshi, who was holding more soiled underwear in his hands as he sat on a closed toilet bowl, staring blankly into space.
Sho had just returned, mostly tired from his duty at the hospital as a doctor.
Satoshi and Kazu were mainly the ones left at home while the rest were at their respective jobs: Masaki as an animal caretaker at the zoo, Jun as a TV show host, and Sho as a medical resident training at a hospital a ten minute walk away from their place. Satoshi was an artist, painting for commission at home. His bedroom was situated on the second floor, with an adequate amount of lighting penetrating its windows. He turned his bedroom into his studio so he bunked with Sho, since the latter was barely home anyway due to the nature of his work.
~~~
Kazu was quite a handful ever since their mother died three years ago. He would soil his underwear when there was something he wanted or something he didn't like. Satoshi tried to talk to him and explain to him that if he wanted to urinate, he should go to the bathroom and direct his urine into the toilet bowl. He used the simplest words he could find in trying to explain and even used illustrations he drew to drive his point home. There came a point when he ended up resolving to accompany Kazu round the clock on his schedule so he wouldn't end up peeing at strange times.
Kazu still peed. And Satoshi was almost certain that it was intentional. There were times when he thought that Kazu was doing it merely to spite him.
It wasn't like that from the start. Satoshi used to be the only one who could understand Kazu completely. And Satoshi took pride in that. Satoshi made flashcards with hand-drawn illustrations to help Kazu express his needs. There were drawings of a toilet, shirt, pants, toothbrush, soap, and even Kazu's favorite hamburger. The family had already accepted Kazu's inability for verbal communication as a part of his disability. Making sure that he was able to go through his daily routine and other activities of daily life became their priority.
A lot had changed ever since their mother died. Kazu changed. They changed.
~~~
SHO
“I have been having thoughts lately, Sho,” Ohno whispered, keeping his head down. “Sometimes, I wish Kazu was more useful and less problematic. And then I feel guilty because I’m the eldest and I should serve as the foundation of our family – what’s left of our family, at least – and yet I’m crumbling down.”
Sho simply stared at his brother, at a loss for what to say. It was the first time he had seen Satoshi break down like that. He had always viewed his brother as someone strong and reliable, and resilient from the struggles that came his way.
“I’m tired. Of doing laundry. Of picture charts that are being torn. Of trying to figure out what he needs. Every day is a guessing game, and every day I end up losing to him,” Satoshi said as his hold on the piece of clothing was steadily tightening in frustration. Sho could almost see the outline of the veins in Satoshi's hands.
“I’m tired, Sho,” Satoshi said as he finally looked up. The emptiness of the gaze gave Sho the shivers. Satoshi seemed incredibly lifeless, Sho noticed, as if all the joy in life was sucked out of him, leaving him to function mechanically. Looking closely, Satoshi had lost weight. There was a hollowness in his cheeks that didn't seem healthy. His eyes seemed sunken with prominent bags underneath. Why hadn't he noticed it before? Sho thought, his anger at himself building up. Sho realized how much they had unconsciously pushed their brother to reach this state. They had relied on him too much to take care of Kazu when clearly it was Satoshi who needed some help.
“Come on, Satoshi, let’s get you out of here,” Sho said. He put one hand on Satoshi’s back and the other on his arm as Sho tried to guide him out of the bathroom. Sho figured that the dim lighting and the stuffy atmosphere of the place were not doing Satoshi any good.
Before Sho was able to guide him out of the room, out of the house and into the fresh open air, Satoshi started once again.
“I used to be the only one who could understand him completely,” Satoshi said as he settled himself down on the bed just a few feet away from where they had been earlier. “Lately, he’s had this habit of biting his wrists left and right when there’s something that he wants. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out what it is exactly that he wants. And then he’ll eventually stop in frustration. Once, I found him in my studio arranging my paintbrushes from shortest to longest. You know how he likes lining things up. I was too frustrated with my upcoming deadline at that time that I took my frustration out on him. I slapped away his hand perhaps a little too hard, and then he bit my wrist. I pushed him and he fell on the floor, grazing his knee. I wanted to hurt him right then, Sho. For real. The fury was genuine; my whole body was shaking as I tried to contain myself.” Satoshi was shaking once again as he relived that contemptible encounter. “I’m afraid that version of myself will manifest again. That monster – I’m afraid it will take over my being. I’m afraid, Sho. I’m—”
Sho cut Satoshi short, eager to drive some reason into his brother's thoughts. “Satoshi, you were just stressed out at that time. You had a deadline coming up, and the worst thing an artist could experience is losing inspiration,” Sho said as he continued rubbing Satoshi’s back to calm him down. Satoshi was already at his breaking point, Sho noted. The fuse was already lit, only waiting to explode.
“You need a vacation,” Sho said firmly. Just when he Satoshi’s mouth was about to open to argue, Sho added, “You do. You need a vacation. Don’t even try to argue.”
Ironically, the fact that Satoshi didn’t even move a muscle to whine, or to pout, made Sho realize how far into despair Satoshi had already gone. It made Sho worry even more.
~~~
MASAKI
There was something eerily wrong when Masaki returned home that afternoon.
"I'm home," he said in a loudness modulated by years of practice.
He was usually cheery and generous in his greetings despite them being brothers under the same roof who see each other anyway to the point of occasionally tiring of each other's presence.
From the time their mother died three years ago, their house started to have a somber atmosphere about it. Masaki could see how his brothers were stressing over important real-life matters. Jun, despite being in the entertainment business, was actually a graduate of Accountancy, so he was able to assist Sho regarding financial matters. They were on their own. That fact was almost palpable.
Their father abandoned them back when they were kids. Their mother had been the breadwinner from then on, balancing work as a full-time schoolteacher and a part-time waitress during weekends. The kids were mainly left to their own devices. Satoshi would take care of household chores while Sho would tutor his younger brothers, and sometimes even Satoshi for that matter. Satoshi and Sho were in junior high while Masaki and Jun were in grade school.
It was around that time when Kazu was diagnosed with autism.
His behavior was odd to them to begin with.When their mother brought them to a playground one time back when they were in Kindergarten, Kazu refused to play with the other kids and instead played with the soil on the ground. When the other kids got lively and loud from their games, Kazu would abruptly stand up and cover both ears with his hands.
That image was burned in young Masaki's mind.
He was puzzled. Shouldn't kids his age be excited to play with their peers?
He pushed Kazu to tag along because he wanted him to enjoy the day and stop being cooped up inside their house, which was why he was curious about his younger brother's actions.
~
Once, on a bright summer day a year after their mother died, Masaki had just learned a really great bit of news. The cat that he was taking care of ever since he started working in the zoo had just given birth to 5 kittens. One of them appeared weak and he had to assist the veterinarian in resuscitating him back to life. Luckily, they were successful in doing so eventually. It was a handful to deal with and he had to make sure that all of them were well-nursed. At the end of the day he felt fulfilled and was eager to tell his brothers about it.
"I'm home! Hey, guess what happened today in the zoo!" He called out the moment he entered the front door and carelessly threw his keys on the glass table, making a loud clinking noise.
As if on cue, he heard Kazu's whine heralding the start of a tantrum. Masaki rushed to the room to find Kazu biting his wrists, left and right alternatingly.
"Kazu, stop." Masaki found Sato-nii trying to calm Kazu down. He was not holding him, but he was trying to make Kazu focus on him. Sato-nii's voice was firm, but neither accusing nor demanding. "Kazu, listen to me. Stop that. No more noise, okay?"
As if by magic, Kazu stopped biting his wrists but still squirmed on his seat. He was still letting out little whines, but he had mostly calmed down.
Masaki was standing there by the door stunned by the sudden incident.
It was the first time he had seen Kazu act up like that. He had been drowning himself in work to be as far away from home as possible. Meanwhile there was their eldest brother, trying to make things work all on his own. It was the first time Masaki noticed the wrinkles and eye bags on Sato-nii's face that weren't there before.
The next day, Masaki found out that one of the kittens had fallen seriously ill. It wasn't even the resuscitated kitten but rather the largest of the bunch who seemed vigorous at birth.
Masaki felt disturbed about that for more reasons than one.
~~~
SHO
Sho practically forced their eldest to leave, but Satoshi’s departure was just too sudden; Sho barely had time to cope. He knew he had to take over Satoshi’s role not only because he was the second eldest in the family but because he was the only one who knew the real reason behind Satoshi’s disappearance.
He had to explain the situation to Masaki and Jun, who were both understanding and even volunteered to decrease their work hours and stay in the house more to help with chores and with taking care of Kazu.
Kazu. Kazu was another matter he didn’t entirely prepare for when he pushed Satoshi to take that much needed vacation.
Sho tried to tell Kazu in simple words that Satoshi left for a while but he would be back soon. He wanted to illustrate the point through drawing, but then he realized that art was not his forte entirely and Kazu might just end up even more confused than before.
Before he knew it, Kazu started to whine and stomp his feet, biting his wrists right and left alternatingly. Alarmed and panicked, Sho grabbed Kazu into a hug. He was supposed to be a doctor yet that was the best solution he could come up with at the time. Kazu was squirming, but Sho maintained his hold. It was seconds before Kazu finally calmed down.
It dawned on Sho then that what Kazu really needed was not a doctor but someone who would understand him, someone who would not try to research extensively what was best for people with autism, but would actually give Kazu the chance to explore and decide for himself what it was that he wanted.
Sho had been busy trying to be the best doctor he could be when the one who needed his help the most was right there.
Satoshi’s last instructions before he left were to not let Kazu enter the studio because it might somehow trigger something in Kazu’s mind as he relived that traumatic experience. That was only Satoshi’s one-sided view though. Sho wondered what would unfold if they allowed Kazu to decide for himself instead of them constantly controlling Kazu’s life, thinking that they had his best interests in mind.
Sho wondered and visited Satoshi's studio. It was basically not well kept, unused for days or even weeks. Satoshi was not in his best shape during the past few days, and Sho couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. In retrospect, could he have done something for Satoshi? If only he stayed an hour less at the hospital and instead spent more time with his brothers, he would have been able to notice the things he was seeing now.
Before he knew it, Kazu was touching one of the scattered paintbrushes on the floor. Sho had a knee-jerk reaction to stop him, but he held back to watch what Kazu was going to do.
Kazu had always liked arranging things and laying them down in a line. Sho had learned in medical school that it was a characteristic of children with autism. He had done some research on the illness and had consulted some of his professors regarding it, yet he was not able to put his research into action. The hospital workload had taken so much of his time, and he was almost never at home.
Kazu was holding the paintbrush in a different way that was both awkward and graceful at the same time. The moment the paintbrush touched the surface of the canvas, Kazu was unstoppable.
~~~
JUN
There was an incident back when Jun was in junior high which he remembered as vividly as the light of day. It was the end of a baseball game right after their mentally draining exam week and he was ecstatic. It was the first time Jun had hit a home run in an actual game. It was as if he could still feel the blood pounding in his ears as he reached the home base. The cheers of the audience were a great boost to his ego and his excitement.
Everything was still so fresh to Jun. Wanting to prolong the glorious feeling, he ended up inviting his good friend Toma home so they could continue their conversation over dinner. He simply reheated the leftover pasta that he found in the refrigerator and toasted some bread. Jun had always been fond of Western food and Toma was too, apparently.
The two were already eating and chatting animatedly when a boy about their age sat down on the chair next to Toma.
"Oh. Kazu. I didn't realize you were here," Jun said, unsure how to react.
Kazu stood up once again and got a plate and some utensils for himself. Without warning, he drove his fork into Toma's plate and drew out a large serving of pasta. Toma kindly pushed his plate towards Kazu to help him transfer the contents until not even a single little bit of noodle was left on Toma's plate.
"Kazu. No. Bad. Not your food. Do not get," Jun said slowly, breaking things down into words or phrases. He could feel Toma's curious eyes on him, but he ignored it. Unable to elicit a response, Jun slumped against the backrest of the chair and sighed, staring at Kazu until he finished eating.
After Kazu licked his fork clean, he stood up and gathered all the dirty dishes and utensils and brought them to the sink. It was one of Kazu's favorite activities: washing the dishes. And he was awfully good at it, being extra meticulous in making sure that not a surface was missed.
Jun escorted Toma out of the house before Kazu was done with his chore. Luckily, Toma was decent enough not to bring up the topic, but Jun was sure that his friend was wondering about it all throughout their walk.
Jun was both defensive and embarrassed by the incident. Defensive because it was his brother after all. He didn't want anyone badmouthing his brother, especially not his friend whom he respected much. He was also embarrassed because deep down inside, he didn't want others to know that he had a strange older brother. An older one - one who should have been helping him with homework, who should have been a teammate in baseball, who should have been a keeper of his secrets.
There were times when he felt totally left out. Jun was the youngest, and the brother closest to him by age never played with him, while Masa-nii was always with his beloved stray cats that he took in. Jun knew he shouldn't take it personally since Kazu never played with anyone anyway. Still, there was that longing for company.
"Aren't you going to ask?" Jun asked as they reached the neighborhood playground where they used to practice catching and throwing back when they were a little younger.
"Don't worry about it too much," Toma said as he sat on one of the swings in the playground.
Jun hummed in acknowledgment. "Oh, there's the bus."
"I'm just here when you want to talk about it," Toma said with a pat on Jun's shoulder before he climbed on the bus.
~
Ever since they were young, Jun had treated his brother Kazu as something like a specimen - someone to be intrigued and curious about.
Kazu would whine. He would throw a tantrum frequently, yet a single formed word, however simple, never escaped his lips - not even 'mama'. It was Jun who insisted that they send Kazu to a doctor for evaluation. He was observant. He learned who Kazu was as a person through his observations of him.
He had read extensively regarding the illness. He was the one who proposed that they make a daily round-the-clock schedule for Kazu to follow since it seemed to be an effective strategy to keep him busy. In one of the articles, he encountered a story wherein the family used picture flashcards for the kid to help him express his needs through pictures instead of verbally. Jun suggested the idea while Sato-nii volunteered to make the cards.
~
It was two days after their brother’s sudden departure when Jun arrived home a little earlier to be the caretaker for the night since Sho was on duty in the hospital. As he was busying himself in the kitchen, he noticed some movement on the second floor, where he went and inspected. Through the gap in the open door, Jun was able to witness Kazu in a new light.
There was sureness in his movements. There was grace in his strokes. Jun was only able to see Kazu’s back as he was steadily adding colors to the canvas, yet Jun could almost see the single-minded focus in Kazu’s expression.
Jun retreated and went back to the kitchen, thinking of preparing Kazu’s favorite for dinner. Such concentration would surely drain Kazu’s energy.
And that painting. He might not have been able to see it completely, yet somehow, he had an inkling of whom it was for. He was observant like that.
~~~
SATOSHI
Satoshi still had a commission to finish, yet he agreed with Sho’s bizarre suggestion that he take a vacation.
His body was still shaking, and he was certain that it was not from the cold. He was at a fishing village way out of the city - the same fishing village he adopted as a retreat place after their mother died. He had only been there once before, and it still hadn't changed since then.
He took a two-hour bus ride since he never learned how to drive and they didn't have a car anyway. He had nothing with him other than the clothes he was wearing and the wallet and keys in his pocket. Sho almost pushed him out of the house, insisting that he needed a retreat, so he barely had time to prepare.
He only had one instruction for Sho before he left: that he keep Kazu from entering the studio.
Kazu might just end up traumatized once again, he thought.
When Satoshi mindlessly pushed Kazu, causing him to fall on the ground, it was the first time Kazu maintained his gaze and looked at his eyes for more than a second. Satoshi expected to see hurt and anger, but instead he saw sadness and longing. It didn’t make sense at that time, and he convinced himself that it was just his mind playing tricks on him. And yet he didn’t reveal this bit of information to Sho when he opened up earlier that afternoon. He wasn’t even sure why.
~
It was a few days after the start of his unplanned vacation when he woke up from his afternoon nap to ringing coming from his phone. It was from an unknown number, and Satoshi just honestly didn’t want to deal with a mysterious stranger at that time. He ignored it, trying his best to go back to sleep, but he suddenly remembered what their mom used to tell them: that they should always make themselves available should an emergency arise.
By the apparent persistence of the caller, Satoshi figured that it could be something important.
“Hello,” Satoshi said, trying his best to mask the sleepiness in his voice.
“Hi, I would like to inquire regarding that new painting that was uploaded in your website. Is it for sale?”
It was a woman. She sounded young. Her voice was like a lullaby, letting Satoshi drift back to sleep. Answering what seemed to be a business call before he had fully woken up was not a good idea.
“Hello?”
“Oh!” Satoshi awoke with a start. He formally sat up on his bed to keep himself from actually dozing off while talking to a potential client. At least she seemed to be one. The only words he was able to pick up from what she said were ‘painting’ and ‘sale’. “I’m sorry, what was that again?"
“The image that was uploaded in your website,” she said. She didn’t seem to be offended by his apparent lack of focus in their conversation.
“That new painting seems intriguing. It is honest. And pure. And powerful, yes that’s it! That’s the adjective I’ve been looking for,” she raved on excitedly. “How much are you selling it for?”
'Oh.' He held himself back from asking what the woman was talking about. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't even know which painting he made that was worthy of such praise.
"I'll discuss it with my manager," he lied simply to cut the conversation short. He didn't have one. The closest thing to a manager he had were his brothers whom he occasionally consulted when the need arose.
Despite being in a countryside fishing village, he was lucky to find an internet cafe after half an hour of searching. And there it was on the homepage: a painting that was not his.
~~~
“Since when did Sato-nii stop painting?” Masaki asked, as they were seated on the couch one afternoon. Sho and Jun were there while Kazu was in Satoshi's studio. It instantly became his favorite place ever since Sho allowed him in. It had been almost a week since Satoshi left, and the brothers were already starting to worry.
“Ever since Mom died, I think,” Sho replied. “He didn't exactly stop, but his motivation waned since then. Remember when he went on a retreat at a fishing village in the countryside? He barely painted since then.”
Jun added, “I thought he would be able to regain his old self, but he kept to himself most of the time and stayed in the house all day.”
“And Kazu started acting up at the same time, right?” Masaki asked.
“Yeah.”
Silence permeated the room as the three were in deep thought. It was the first time they had the luxury of time to lounge together on the couch, what with their busy schedules and trying to adjust.
“Do you remember Kazu being close with Mom?” Jun suddenly said. He received curious looks from the two. “I mean, Mom was always out working all the time for us. It was Sato-nii who mainly took care of Kazu, right?”
“So what are you trying to say?” Sho asked.
“I don't remember clearly the sequence of things three years ago, but what if the reason Kazu started acting up was not because he was lonely when Mom died but rather because Sato-nii started to change? Maybe Sato-nii treated him differently, or there was something Kazu didn't like about the way things were going. This is just a theory though. I was barely home back then,” Jun finished with a hint of sadness and guilt.
“I think that's one of the problems. I treated Kazu as if he's a patient, or a person with a disability. I didn't treat him properly as a brother,” Sho said with a sigh.
“I'm guilty of that too,” Masaki added. “I didn’t like the serious atmosphere inside the house. That’s why I always took some overtime to keep myself busy in the zoo. At least there I could be noisy and loud without inconveniencing anyone. It was my escape from the stuffiness of this house,” Masaki said, with tears already brimming in his eyes. “If only I was more present in this house to help Sato-nii even just with little things then maybe… Maybe…”
“Masa-nii,” Jun walked over to Masaki and sat beside him. He used a soothing hand to rub his brother’s back. “It’s not your fault. All of us were at a loss since Mom died.”
“Why don't we eat out together for dinner?” Sho suggested. The idea was so sudden and so bizarre that the two brothers gaped at him. “Come on, we haven't eaten out in quite a while.”
And the fact that they hadn't gone out to eat as a family for quite a long time was a shadow that pressed upon them. It was difficult the last time they did. Kazu threw a tantrum as he noticed a lot of waiters carrying the trays but not bringing the food to their table. The rest of the guys at the table knew that it was because those people were seated first and ordered earlier than them. Kazu, on the other hand, interpreted the event as the waiters depriving them of food. He stood up and whined and stomped his feet. Not even Satoshi was able to calm him down, so they had to change their orders into takeaways.
They hadn’t had the chance since then. Nobody even dared to propose the idea.
“I know a quiet ramen place nearby,” Sho said, standing up, getting ready to leave.
~~~
Satoshi came home to a dark and empty house.
The first thing he did was climb the stairs to see his studio. That should give him a clue regarding that mysterious phone call from the day before. As he turned on the lights, what he saw stunned him.
The canvas was angled in such a way that it would be instantly seen by the person who entered the door. There it was: the painting that Satoshi saw on the webpage.
He was overwhelmed with emotion as if a wave was ready to swallow him, keeping him from breathing freely. He had to sit on a stool near the window else his knees would give way.
Magical. If he was allowed one word to describe that painting, that would be it.
‘Kazu,’ Satoshi instantly thought. It couldn't be Sho who made that masterpiece since he knew of his brother’s inadequacy in the art department. Satoshi gave a mindless chuckle at the idea as he continued to stare at the masterpiece. It was ironic that he could still think of laughable things in such a situation.
Kazu.
Satoshi was adamant about keeping Kazu from entering the studio since that was the place where he hurt Kazu before. Satoshi figured that being there would just incite turmoil in his little brother's mind. And yet the proof that he was wrong was right in front of him.
The painting was vibrant, using primary colors of blue, yellow, and red, depicting an abstract image, yet by the colors Satoshi was able to deduce the strength of character of the artist. He didn’t need to attend countless art classes to pick that up. Satoshi just knew. There was power. There was resilience. There were the things Satoshi longed to have yet failed to obtain.
If only he had relied on Kazu in his darkest times after their mother's death, Satoshi thought.
If only he hadn't shunned Kazu. If only he hadn’t kept his thoughts to himself and carried the burden alone.
There was too much regret and frustration overflowing in his mind that he started punching his thigh and biting his lower lip to calm himself down.
“Satoshi.”
“Sato-nii,” they chorused, apparently surprised by his sudden return.
Satoshi turned around and saw his four brothers, three of whom were wearing usual everyday clothes while one was wearing a red checkered long sleeve shirt, a bow tie and slacks, seemingly overdressed compared to the other three. Judging by the soup stain on Masaki's shirt, Satoshi knew that they had just been out eating ramen. More than feeling left out, Satoshi felt guilty. He hadn't even thought of accompanying Kazu out on their most boring days back when it was just the two of them at home. With such an outfit, only a fool would not realize that Kazu was actually enthusiastic to be out once in a while instead of being cooped inside.
In the midst of the chaos inside his head, he felt gentle arms touching his shoulders, extending to his back, giving him a loose hug. He was wrapped in warmth. The bow tie touching the side of his cheek was a reminder that this was indeed Kazu reaching out to him.
Suddenly, the dam on Satoshi’s eyelids broke loose, and he was sobbing without even trying to stop himself.
All this time, it was not Kazu who needed taking care of. It was Satoshi all along.
Kazu let go after a few moments and walked to the desk by the wall. He took a sketchpad from one of the drawers and leafed through the pages. From where he was seated, Satoshi was not able to see the contents of the pages, but judging by the appearance he knew the sketchpad was new and wasn't his. Somehow, he figured that Sho had something to do with this, completely disregarding his last and only instruction of not letting Kazu into his studio. He threw a cursory glance at Sho who just smiled at him.
Kazu was smiling goofily when he turned the sketchpad around for the rest of his brothers to see it.
Satoshi was reminded at once of the flashcards he manually illustrated for Kazu to express his needs. And now Satoshi was staring at a drawing of himself smiling, side by side with a drawing of him painting happily. He knew it was Kazu's work. 'So that was what he needed,' Satoshi thought.
The drawing resembled him in a way. The artistic genes must have run in their family, except for Sho, Satoshi thought fondly.
Satoshi looked at Kazu’s eyes, and it was the second time Kazu maintained eye contact. If at the first time, there was sadness and longing, now there was happiness and excitement. Satoshi didn’t want to brush it off as a mere figment of his imagination.
He didn't know whether to smile or to cry, so he did both. And by the sound of it, he knew he was not the only one with a mess of emotions. Masaki was practically sobbing while Jun had tears quietly rolling down his cheeks. Sho was grinning contentedly as Satoshi pulled him into a group hug.
Satoshi realized that this – this moment, this feeling, this togetherness – was something he wanted to preserve in a painting. This was exactly what had been missing in his life.
“Now, I'm hungry,” Satoshi announced as they all recovered from their emotions.
“We ordered takeout for you,” Sho said as he led the eldest down the stairs.
“But you didn’t even know I’d be home tonight,” Satoshi muttered in wonder.
“We always get your share.”
“There must be a lot of leftover food in the refrigerator then,” Satoshi teased.
“Of course not. Masa-nii took care of them always. He would eat it as breakfast or he would feed it to the wonderful little critters in the zoo,” Jun said as he gave a friendly bump to Masaki’s shoulder to emphasize his point.
“Oi! I do not!” Masaki said as he hit Jun’s head good-naturedly.
Satoshi watched Kazu hopping down the stairs one step at a time while maintaining his grip on the handrails. As he reached the last step, he darted to the dining room to lay down the utensils for Satoshi to use.
“Actually, it was Kazu who insisted that we order take out for you,” Sho whispered in Satoshi’s ear before they sat on the dining table. The rest took their seats even though it was only Satoshi who hadn’t eaten yet. Jun brought out a pack of dried mangos for the rest to snack on. They kept their words to the simplest, hoping that Kazu would be able to catch what the conversation was about. The atmosphere was light and joyous. Masaki was able to laugh freely without startling Kazu. They were still sitting in their respective seats from back when their mother was still there with them. And three years after she had left them, Satoshi realized that they have all grown up and moved on.
They were home.
~~~
yoshiblack16From:
icecreamsukiTitle: What was best for him
Pairing: Ohmiya, Arashi gen
Rating: PG
Genre: mild angst, fluff
Warnings: person with disability, autism, caregiver fatigue
Summary: My Girl AU, three years after their mom died but they still lived together. And they struggle in figuring out what was best for Nino.
Note: I didn't change the characters to their My Girl names. Instead I used their first names because it was less confusing that way, at least for me. It ended up quite Ohno-centric, but the story still revolved around Nino so I'm hoping it's okay.
~~~
"Satoshi?" Sho asked quietly as he carefully approached his brother.
"I'm tired, Sho," Satoshi said, and with the way Satoshi's voice broke, trembling as he was holding the soiled underwear in his hands, Sho could tell that it was concerning Kazu.
“Can't you make him normal, Sho?”
~~~
Shortly after their mother gave birth to Satoshi, she found out she was pregnant once again with Sho. They were basically like twins, sharing the same classes, and even as adults they were sharing the same bedroom in their house. Their three younger brothers called the eldest Sato-nii, yet Satoshi had forbidden Sho to address him that way from the start. He was merely Satoshi – Satoshi, who was holding more soiled underwear in his hands as he sat on a closed toilet bowl, staring blankly into space.
Sho had just returned, mostly tired from his duty at the hospital as a doctor.
Satoshi and Kazu were mainly the ones left at home while the rest were at their respective jobs: Masaki as an animal caretaker at the zoo, Jun as a TV show host, and Sho as a medical resident training at a hospital a ten minute walk away from their place. Satoshi was an artist, painting for commission at home. His bedroom was situated on the second floor, with an adequate amount of lighting penetrating its windows. He turned his bedroom into his studio so he bunked with Sho, since the latter was barely home anyway due to the nature of his work.
~~~
Kazu was quite a handful ever since their mother died three years ago. He would soil his underwear when there was something he wanted or something he didn't like. Satoshi tried to talk to him and explain to him that if he wanted to urinate, he should go to the bathroom and direct his urine into the toilet bowl. He used the simplest words he could find in trying to explain and even used illustrations he drew to drive his point home. There came a point when he ended up resolving to accompany Kazu round the clock on his schedule so he wouldn't end up peeing at strange times.
Kazu still peed. And Satoshi was almost certain that it was intentional. There were times when he thought that Kazu was doing it merely to spite him.
It wasn't like that from the start. Satoshi used to be the only one who could understand Kazu completely. And Satoshi took pride in that. Satoshi made flashcards with hand-drawn illustrations to help Kazu express his needs. There were drawings of a toilet, shirt, pants, toothbrush, soap, and even Kazu's favorite hamburger. The family had already accepted Kazu's inability for verbal communication as a part of his disability. Making sure that he was able to go through his daily routine and other activities of daily life became their priority.
A lot had changed ever since their mother died. Kazu changed. They changed.
~~~
SHO
“I have been having thoughts lately, Sho,” Ohno whispered, keeping his head down. “Sometimes, I wish Kazu was more useful and less problematic. And then I feel guilty because I’m the eldest and I should serve as the foundation of our family – what’s left of our family, at least – and yet I’m crumbling down.”
Sho simply stared at his brother, at a loss for what to say. It was the first time he had seen Satoshi break down like that. He had always viewed his brother as someone strong and reliable, and resilient from the struggles that came his way.
“I’m tired. Of doing laundry. Of picture charts that are being torn. Of trying to figure out what he needs. Every day is a guessing game, and every day I end up losing to him,” Satoshi said as his hold on the piece of clothing was steadily tightening in frustration. Sho could almost see the outline of the veins in Satoshi's hands.
“I’m tired, Sho,” Satoshi said as he finally looked up. The emptiness of the gaze gave Sho the shivers. Satoshi seemed incredibly lifeless, Sho noticed, as if all the joy in life was sucked out of him, leaving him to function mechanically. Looking closely, Satoshi had lost weight. There was a hollowness in his cheeks that didn't seem healthy. His eyes seemed sunken with prominent bags underneath. Why hadn't he noticed it before? Sho thought, his anger at himself building up. Sho realized how much they had unconsciously pushed their brother to reach this state. They had relied on him too much to take care of Kazu when clearly it was Satoshi who needed some help.
“Come on, Satoshi, let’s get you out of here,” Sho said. He put one hand on Satoshi’s back and the other on his arm as Sho tried to guide him out of the bathroom. Sho figured that the dim lighting and the stuffy atmosphere of the place were not doing Satoshi any good.
Before Sho was able to guide him out of the room, out of the house and into the fresh open air, Satoshi started once again.
“I used to be the only one who could understand him completely,” Satoshi said as he settled himself down on the bed just a few feet away from where they had been earlier. “Lately, he’s had this habit of biting his wrists left and right when there’s something that he wants. And no matter how hard I try, I can’t figure out what it is exactly that he wants. And then he’ll eventually stop in frustration. Once, I found him in my studio arranging my paintbrushes from shortest to longest. You know how he likes lining things up. I was too frustrated with my upcoming deadline at that time that I took my frustration out on him. I slapped away his hand perhaps a little too hard, and then he bit my wrist. I pushed him and he fell on the floor, grazing his knee. I wanted to hurt him right then, Sho. For real. The fury was genuine; my whole body was shaking as I tried to contain myself.” Satoshi was shaking once again as he relived that contemptible encounter. “I’m afraid that version of myself will manifest again. That monster – I’m afraid it will take over my being. I’m afraid, Sho. I’m—”
Sho cut Satoshi short, eager to drive some reason into his brother's thoughts. “Satoshi, you were just stressed out at that time. You had a deadline coming up, and the worst thing an artist could experience is losing inspiration,” Sho said as he continued rubbing Satoshi’s back to calm him down. Satoshi was already at his breaking point, Sho noted. The fuse was already lit, only waiting to explode.
“You need a vacation,” Sho said firmly. Just when he Satoshi’s mouth was about to open to argue, Sho added, “You do. You need a vacation. Don’t even try to argue.”
Ironically, the fact that Satoshi didn’t even move a muscle to whine, or to pout, made Sho realize how far into despair Satoshi had already gone. It made Sho worry even more.
~~~
MASAKI
There was something eerily wrong when Masaki returned home that afternoon.
"I'm home," he said in a loudness modulated by years of practice.
He was usually cheery and generous in his greetings despite them being brothers under the same roof who see each other anyway to the point of occasionally tiring of each other's presence.
From the time their mother died three years ago, their house started to have a somber atmosphere about it. Masaki could see how his brothers were stressing over important real-life matters. Jun, despite being in the entertainment business, was actually a graduate of Accountancy, so he was able to assist Sho regarding financial matters. They were on their own. That fact was almost palpable.
Their father abandoned them back when they were kids. Their mother had been the breadwinner from then on, balancing work as a full-time schoolteacher and a part-time waitress during weekends. The kids were mainly left to their own devices. Satoshi would take care of household chores while Sho would tutor his younger brothers, and sometimes even Satoshi for that matter. Satoshi and Sho were in junior high while Masaki and Jun were in grade school.
It was around that time when Kazu was diagnosed with autism.
His behavior was odd to them to begin with.When their mother brought them to a playground one time back when they were in Kindergarten, Kazu refused to play with the other kids and instead played with the soil on the ground. When the other kids got lively and loud from their games, Kazu would abruptly stand up and cover both ears with his hands.
That image was burned in young Masaki's mind.
He was puzzled. Shouldn't kids his age be excited to play with their peers?
He pushed Kazu to tag along because he wanted him to enjoy the day and stop being cooped up inside their house, which was why he was curious about his younger brother's actions.
~
Once, on a bright summer day a year after their mother died, Masaki had just learned a really great bit of news. The cat that he was taking care of ever since he started working in the zoo had just given birth to 5 kittens. One of them appeared weak and he had to assist the veterinarian in resuscitating him back to life. Luckily, they were successful in doing so eventually. It was a handful to deal with and he had to make sure that all of them were well-nursed. At the end of the day he felt fulfilled and was eager to tell his brothers about it.
"I'm home! Hey, guess what happened today in the zoo!" He called out the moment he entered the front door and carelessly threw his keys on the glass table, making a loud clinking noise.
As if on cue, he heard Kazu's whine heralding the start of a tantrum. Masaki rushed to the room to find Kazu biting his wrists, left and right alternatingly.
"Kazu, stop." Masaki found Sato-nii trying to calm Kazu down. He was not holding him, but he was trying to make Kazu focus on him. Sato-nii's voice was firm, but neither accusing nor demanding. "Kazu, listen to me. Stop that. No more noise, okay?"
As if by magic, Kazu stopped biting his wrists but still squirmed on his seat. He was still letting out little whines, but he had mostly calmed down.
Masaki was standing there by the door stunned by the sudden incident.
It was the first time he had seen Kazu act up like that. He had been drowning himself in work to be as far away from home as possible. Meanwhile there was their eldest brother, trying to make things work all on his own. It was the first time Masaki noticed the wrinkles and eye bags on Sato-nii's face that weren't there before.
The next day, Masaki found out that one of the kittens had fallen seriously ill. It wasn't even the resuscitated kitten but rather the largest of the bunch who seemed vigorous at birth.
Masaki felt disturbed about that for more reasons than one.
~~~
SHO
Sho practically forced their eldest to leave, but Satoshi’s departure was just too sudden; Sho barely had time to cope. He knew he had to take over Satoshi’s role not only because he was the second eldest in the family but because he was the only one who knew the real reason behind Satoshi’s disappearance.
He had to explain the situation to Masaki and Jun, who were both understanding and even volunteered to decrease their work hours and stay in the house more to help with chores and with taking care of Kazu.
Kazu. Kazu was another matter he didn’t entirely prepare for when he pushed Satoshi to take that much needed vacation.
Sho tried to tell Kazu in simple words that Satoshi left for a while but he would be back soon. He wanted to illustrate the point through drawing, but then he realized that art was not his forte entirely and Kazu might just end up even more confused than before.
Before he knew it, Kazu started to whine and stomp his feet, biting his wrists right and left alternatingly. Alarmed and panicked, Sho grabbed Kazu into a hug. He was supposed to be a doctor yet that was the best solution he could come up with at the time. Kazu was squirming, but Sho maintained his hold. It was seconds before Kazu finally calmed down.
It dawned on Sho then that what Kazu really needed was not a doctor but someone who would understand him, someone who would not try to research extensively what was best for people with autism, but would actually give Kazu the chance to explore and decide for himself what it was that he wanted.
Sho had been busy trying to be the best doctor he could be when the one who needed his help the most was right there.
Satoshi’s last instructions before he left were to not let Kazu enter the studio because it might somehow trigger something in Kazu’s mind as he relived that traumatic experience. That was only Satoshi’s one-sided view though. Sho wondered what would unfold if they allowed Kazu to decide for himself instead of them constantly controlling Kazu’s life, thinking that they had his best interests in mind.
Sho wondered and visited Satoshi's studio. It was basically not well kept, unused for days or even weeks. Satoshi was not in his best shape during the past few days, and Sho couldn’t help but feel guilty about it. In retrospect, could he have done something for Satoshi? If only he stayed an hour less at the hospital and instead spent more time with his brothers, he would have been able to notice the things he was seeing now.
Before he knew it, Kazu was touching one of the scattered paintbrushes on the floor. Sho had a knee-jerk reaction to stop him, but he held back to watch what Kazu was going to do.
Kazu had always liked arranging things and laying them down in a line. Sho had learned in medical school that it was a characteristic of children with autism. He had done some research on the illness and had consulted some of his professors regarding it, yet he was not able to put his research into action. The hospital workload had taken so much of his time, and he was almost never at home.
Kazu was holding the paintbrush in a different way that was both awkward and graceful at the same time. The moment the paintbrush touched the surface of the canvas, Kazu was unstoppable.
~~~
JUN
There was an incident back when Jun was in junior high which he remembered as vividly as the light of day. It was the end of a baseball game right after their mentally draining exam week and he was ecstatic. It was the first time Jun had hit a home run in an actual game. It was as if he could still feel the blood pounding in his ears as he reached the home base. The cheers of the audience were a great boost to his ego and his excitement.
Everything was still so fresh to Jun. Wanting to prolong the glorious feeling, he ended up inviting his good friend Toma home so they could continue their conversation over dinner. He simply reheated the leftover pasta that he found in the refrigerator and toasted some bread. Jun had always been fond of Western food and Toma was too, apparently.
The two were already eating and chatting animatedly when a boy about their age sat down on the chair next to Toma.
"Oh. Kazu. I didn't realize you were here," Jun said, unsure how to react.
Kazu stood up once again and got a plate and some utensils for himself. Without warning, he drove his fork into Toma's plate and drew out a large serving of pasta. Toma kindly pushed his plate towards Kazu to help him transfer the contents until not even a single little bit of noodle was left on Toma's plate.
"Kazu. No. Bad. Not your food. Do not get," Jun said slowly, breaking things down into words or phrases. He could feel Toma's curious eyes on him, but he ignored it. Unable to elicit a response, Jun slumped against the backrest of the chair and sighed, staring at Kazu until he finished eating.
After Kazu licked his fork clean, he stood up and gathered all the dirty dishes and utensils and brought them to the sink. It was one of Kazu's favorite activities: washing the dishes. And he was awfully good at it, being extra meticulous in making sure that not a surface was missed.
Jun escorted Toma out of the house before Kazu was done with his chore. Luckily, Toma was decent enough not to bring up the topic, but Jun was sure that his friend was wondering about it all throughout their walk.
Jun was both defensive and embarrassed by the incident. Defensive because it was his brother after all. He didn't want anyone badmouthing his brother, especially not his friend whom he respected much. He was also embarrassed because deep down inside, he didn't want others to know that he had a strange older brother. An older one - one who should have been helping him with homework, who should have been a teammate in baseball, who should have been a keeper of his secrets.
There were times when he felt totally left out. Jun was the youngest, and the brother closest to him by age never played with him, while Masa-nii was always with his beloved stray cats that he took in. Jun knew he shouldn't take it personally since Kazu never played with anyone anyway. Still, there was that longing for company.
"Aren't you going to ask?" Jun asked as they reached the neighborhood playground where they used to practice catching and throwing back when they were a little younger.
"Don't worry about it too much," Toma said as he sat on one of the swings in the playground.
Jun hummed in acknowledgment. "Oh, there's the bus."
"I'm just here when you want to talk about it," Toma said with a pat on Jun's shoulder before he climbed on the bus.
~
Ever since they were young, Jun had treated his brother Kazu as something like a specimen - someone to be intrigued and curious about.
Kazu would whine. He would throw a tantrum frequently, yet a single formed word, however simple, never escaped his lips - not even 'mama'. It was Jun who insisted that they send Kazu to a doctor for evaluation. He was observant. He learned who Kazu was as a person through his observations of him.
He had read extensively regarding the illness. He was the one who proposed that they make a daily round-the-clock schedule for Kazu to follow since it seemed to be an effective strategy to keep him busy. In one of the articles, he encountered a story wherein the family used picture flashcards for the kid to help him express his needs through pictures instead of verbally. Jun suggested the idea while Sato-nii volunteered to make the cards.
~
It was two days after their brother’s sudden departure when Jun arrived home a little earlier to be the caretaker for the night since Sho was on duty in the hospital. As he was busying himself in the kitchen, he noticed some movement on the second floor, where he went and inspected. Through the gap in the open door, Jun was able to witness Kazu in a new light.
There was sureness in his movements. There was grace in his strokes. Jun was only able to see Kazu’s back as he was steadily adding colors to the canvas, yet Jun could almost see the single-minded focus in Kazu’s expression.
Jun retreated and went back to the kitchen, thinking of preparing Kazu’s favorite for dinner. Such concentration would surely drain Kazu’s energy.
And that painting. He might not have been able to see it completely, yet somehow, he had an inkling of whom it was for. He was observant like that.
~~~
SATOSHI
Satoshi still had a commission to finish, yet he agreed with Sho’s bizarre suggestion that he take a vacation.
His body was still shaking, and he was certain that it was not from the cold. He was at a fishing village way out of the city - the same fishing village he adopted as a retreat place after their mother died. He had only been there once before, and it still hadn't changed since then.
He took a two-hour bus ride since he never learned how to drive and they didn't have a car anyway. He had nothing with him other than the clothes he was wearing and the wallet and keys in his pocket. Sho almost pushed him out of the house, insisting that he needed a retreat, so he barely had time to prepare.
He only had one instruction for Sho before he left: that he keep Kazu from entering the studio.
Kazu might just end up traumatized once again, he thought.
When Satoshi mindlessly pushed Kazu, causing him to fall on the ground, it was the first time Kazu maintained his gaze and looked at his eyes for more than a second. Satoshi expected to see hurt and anger, but instead he saw sadness and longing. It didn’t make sense at that time, and he convinced himself that it was just his mind playing tricks on him. And yet he didn’t reveal this bit of information to Sho when he opened up earlier that afternoon. He wasn’t even sure why.
~
It was a few days after the start of his unplanned vacation when he woke up from his afternoon nap to ringing coming from his phone. It was from an unknown number, and Satoshi just honestly didn’t want to deal with a mysterious stranger at that time. He ignored it, trying his best to go back to sleep, but he suddenly remembered what their mom used to tell them: that they should always make themselves available should an emergency arise.
By the apparent persistence of the caller, Satoshi figured that it could be something important.
“Hello,” Satoshi said, trying his best to mask the sleepiness in his voice.
“Hi, I would like to inquire regarding that new painting that was uploaded in your website. Is it for sale?”
It was a woman. She sounded young. Her voice was like a lullaby, letting Satoshi drift back to sleep. Answering what seemed to be a business call before he had fully woken up was not a good idea.
“Hello?”
“Oh!” Satoshi awoke with a start. He formally sat up on his bed to keep himself from actually dozing off while talking to a potential client. At least she seemed to be one. The only words he was able to pick up from what she said were ‘painting’ and ‘sale’. “I’m sorry, what was that again?"
“The image that was uploaded in your website,” she said. She didn’t seem to be offended by his apparent lack of focus in their conversation.
“That new painting seems intriguing. It is honest. And pure. And powerful, yes that’s it! That’s the adjective I’ve been looking for,” she raved on excitedly. “How much are you selling it for?”
'Oh.' He held himself back from asking what the woman was talking about. He didn't know how to respond. He didn't even know which painting he made that was worthy of such praise.
"I'll discuss it with my manager," he lied simply to cut the conversation short. He didn't have one. The closest thing to a manager he had were his brothers whom he occasionally consulted when the need arose.
Despite being in a countryside fishing village, he was lucky to find an internet cafe after half an hour of searching. And there it was on the homepage: a painting that was not his.
~~~
“Since when did Sato-nii stop painting?” Masaki asked, as they were seated on the couch one afternoon. Sho and Jun were there while Kazu was in Satoshi's studio. It instantly became his favorite place ever since Sho allowed him in. It had been almost a week since Satoshi left, and the brothers were already starting to worry.
“Ever since Mom died, I think,” Sho replied. “He didn't exactly stop, but his motivation waned since then. Remember when he went on a retreat at a fishing village in the countryside? He barely painted since then.”
Jun added, “I thought he would be able to regain his old self, but he kept to himself most of the time and stayed in the house all day.”
“And Kazu started acting up at the same time, right?” Masaki asked.
“Yeah.”
Silence permeated the room as the three were in deep thought. It was the first time they had the luxury of time to lounge together on the couch, what with their busy schedules and trying to adjust.
“Do you remember Kazu being close with Mom?” Jun suddenly said. He received curious looks from the two. “I mean, Mom was always out working all the time for us. It was Sato-nii who mainly took care of Kazu, right?”
“So what are you trying to say?” Sho asked.
“I don't remember clearly the sequence of things three years ago, but what if the reason Kazu started acting up was not because he was lonely when Mom died but rather because Sato-nii started to change? Maybe Sato-nii treated him differently, or there was something Kazu didn't like about the way things were going. This is just a theory though. I was barely home back then,” Jun finished with a hint of sadness and guilt.
“I think that's one of the problems. I treated Kazu as if he's a patient, or a person with a disability. I didn't treat him properly as a brother,” Sho said with a sigh.
“I'm guilty of that too,” Masaki added. “I didn’t like the serious atmosphere inside the house. That’s why I always took some overtime to keep myself busy in the zoo. At least there I could be noisy and loud without inconveniencing anyone. It was my escape from the stuffiness of this house,” Masaki said, with tears already brimming in his eyes. “If only I was more present in this house to help Sato-nii even just with little things then maybe… Maybe…”
“Masa-nii,” Jun walked over to Masaki and sat beside him. He used a soothing hand to rub his brother’s back. “It’s not your fault. All of us were at a loss since Mom died.”
“Why don't we eat out together for dinner?” Sho suggested. The idea was so sudden and so bizarre that the two brothers gaped at him. “Come on, we haven't eaten out in quite a while.”
And the fact that they hadn't gone out to eat as a family for quite a long time was a shadow that pressed upon them. It was difficult the last time they did. Kazu threw a tantrum as he noticed a lot of waiters carrying the trays but not bringing the food to their table. The rest of the guys at the table knew that it was because those people were seated first and ordered earlier than them. Kazu, on the other hand, interpreted the event as the waiters depriving them of food. He stood up and whined and stomped his feet. Not even Satoshi was able to calm him down, so they had to change their orders into takeaways.
They hadn’t had the chance since then. Nobody even dared to propose the idea.
“I know a quiet ramen place nearby,” Sho said, standing up, getting ready to leave.
~~~
Satoshi came home to a dark and empty house.
The first thing he did was climb the stairs to see his studio. That should give him a clue regarding that mysterious phone call from the day before. As he turned on the lights, what he saw stunned him.
The canvas was angled in such a way that it would be instantly seen by the person who entered the door. There it was: the painting that Satoshi saw on the webpage.
He was overwhelmed with emotion as if a wave was ready to swallow him, keeping him from breathing freely. He had to sit on a stool near the window else his knees would give way.
Magical. If he was allowed one word to describe that painting, that would be it.
‘Kazu,’ Satoshi instantly thought. It couldn't be Sho who made that masterpiece since he knew of his brother’s inadequacy in the art department. Satoshi gave a mindless chuckle at the idea as he continued to stare at the masterpiece. It was ironic that he could still think of laughable things in such a situation.
Kazu.
Satoshi was adamant about keeping Kazu from entering the studio since that was the place where he hurt Kazu before. Satoshi figured that being there would just incite turmoil in his little brother's mind. And yet the proof that he was wrong was right in front of him.
The painting was vibrant, using primary colors of blue, yellow, and red, depicting an abstract image, yet by the colors Satoshi was able to deduce the strength of character of the artist. He didn’t need to attend countless art classes to pick that up. Satoshi just knew. There was power. There was resilience. There were the things Satoshi longed to have yet failed to obtain.
If only he had relied on Kazu in his darkest times after their mother's death, Satoshi thought.
If only he hadn't shunned Kazu. If only he hadn’t kept his thoughts to himself and carried the burden alone.
There was too much regret and frustration overflowing in his mind that he started punching his thigh and biting his lower lip to calm himself down.
“Satoshi.”
“Sato-nii,” they chorused, apparently surprised by his sudden return.
Satoshi turned around and saw his four brothers, three of whom were wearing usual everyday clothes while one was wearing a red checkered long sleeve shirt, a bow tie and slacks, seemingly overdressed compared to the other three. Judging by the soup stain on Masaki's shirt, Satoshi knew that they had just been out eating ramen. More than feeling left out, Satoshi felt guilty. He hadn't even thought of accompanying Kazu out on their most boring days back when it was just the two of them at home. With such an outfit, only a fool would not realize that Kazu was actually enthusiastic to be out once in a while instead of being cooped inside.
In the midst of the chaos inside his head, he felt gentle arms touching his shoulders, extending to his back, giving him a loose hug. He was wrapped in warmth. The bow tie touching the side of his cheek was a reminder that this was indeed Kazu reaching out to him.
Suddenly, the dam on Satoshi’s eyelids broke loose, and he was sobbing without even trying to stop himself.
All this time, it was not Kazu who needed taking care of. It was Satoshi all along.
Kazu let go after a few moments and walked to the desk by the wall. He took a sketchpad from one of the drawers and leafed through the pages. From where he was seated, Satoshi was not able to see the contents of the pages, but judging by the appearance he knew the sketchpad was new and wasn't his. Somehow, he figured that Sho had something to do with this, completely disregarding his last and only instruction of not letting Kazu into his studio. He threw a cursory glance at Sho who just smiled at him.
Kazu was smiling goofily when he turned the sketchpad around for the rest of his brothers to see it.
Satoshi was reminded at once of the flashcards he manually illustrated for Kazu to express his needs. And now Satoshi was staring at a drawing of himself smiling, side by side with a drawing of him painting happily. He knew it was Kazu's work. 'So that was what he needed,' Satoshi thought.
The drawing resembled him in a way. The artistic genes must have run in their family, except for Sho, Satoshi thought fondly.
Satoshi looked at Kazu’s eyes, and it was the second time Kazu maintained eye contact. If at the first time, there was sadness and longing, now there was happiness and excitement. Satoshi didn’t want to brush it off as a mere figment of his imagination.
He didn't know whether to smile or to cry, so he did both. And by the sound of it, he knew he was not the only one with a mess of emotions. Masaki was practically sobbing while Jun had tears quietly rolling down his cheeks. Sho was grinning contentedly as Satoshi pulled him into a group hug.
Satoshi realized that this – this moment, this feeling, this togetherness – was something he wanted to preserve in a painting. This was exactly what had been missing in his life.
“Now, I'm hungry,” Satoshi announced as they all recovered from their emotions.
“We ordered takeout for you,” Sho said as he led the eldest down the stairs.
“But you didn’t even know I’d be home tonight,” Satoshi muttered in wonder.
“We always get your share.”
“There must be a lot of leftover food in the refrigerator then,” Satoshi teased.
“Of course not. Masa-nii took care of them always. He would eat it as breakfast or he would feed it to the wonderful little critters in the zoo,” Jun said as he gave a friendly bump to Masaki’s shoulder to emphasize his point.
“Oi! I do not!” Masaki said as he hit Jun’s head good-naturedly.
Satoshi watched Kazu hopping down the stairs one step at a time while maintaining his grip on the handrails. As he reached the last step, he darted to the dining room to lay down the utensils for Satoshi to use.
“Actually, it was Kazu who insisted that we order take out for you,” Sho whispered in Satoshi’s ear before they sat on the dining table. The rest took their seats even though it was only Satoshi who hadn’t eaten yet. Jun brought out a pack of dried mangos for the rest to snack on. They kept their words to the simplest, hoping that Kazu would be able to catch what the conversation was about. The atmosphere was light and joyous. Masaki was able to laugh freely without startling Kazu. They were still sitting in their respective seats from back when their mother was still there with them. And three years after she had left them, Satoshi realized that they have all grown up and moved on.
They were home.
~~~