fic for gurajiorasu (1/2)

[nino-mod.livejournal.com]

For: gurajiorasu
From: sky_fish7

Title: Getting Along
Pairing/Focus: Sakumiya, other Nino-sidepairings hinted (Aimiya, Ryo x Nino), Arashi-friendship
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Angst, depri, fluff, alcohol..., some points of Arashi-history mentioned (freely interpreted)
Summary: Getting along well with the group members is a good thing, Nino thinks. But he underestimates the power of the media which can turn a seemingly positive headline into something triggering. When Sho finally snaps, it’s a huge shock for Nino and changes things between them to the worse. Between the members of Arashi but also between the two of them specifically. Will they be able to overcome the crisis?
Notes: First, I wanted to write something humorous… but then it became something surprisingly serious. I guess, I just can’t get out of my skin, I have the tendency to make stories complicated lately. gurajiorasu, I fear that I wasn’t able to portray the concrete type of Nino that you wished for, but I gave my best to this story and I still hope that you will like what I created.
Thanks for the challenge to my recipient, thanks to my mental supporter during the writing process as well as to my dear beta readers and of course thanks to nino_mod for organizing this wonderful event once again! *bows*


Looking back on that time, Nino couldn’t say that he knew exactly when Sho started to distance himself from Arashi. It might have been a stealthy process that didn’t first surface until he finally voiced the problem. It wasn’t like Nino didn’t feel it in one or another way, nevertheless, when Sho finally snapped, it was a huge shock for the others and it changed many things between them. Between the members of Arashi but also between Sho and Nino specifically.

It happened a few years ago. Magazines, newspapers, and TV programs were filled with Arashi. No, not filled, they were overflowing with them. They managed to get headlines and countless articles, one after another for years now, the success that they themselves never really understood or even realized, was still at its peak and ”Arashi” was a hot topic over and over again. Appearances in variety shows, doramas, movies, news programs, CD releases, concerts – Arashi was truly busy and always smiling – at least in front of the cameras.

Of course, things weren’t as easy-going and happy-go-lucky as the media often described and reported them to be. Of course it wasn’t just thanks to Hana Yori Dango’s success and the fact that Jun was starring in the dorama, that lead to Arashi becoming more popular. Of course, they had been working hard and had been struggling for years, fearing of losing their position in the idol world. Maybe, they had to fight harder than other groups to shift from moderate to extraordinary success, to not give up along their bumpy road to stardom, to gradually rise in their popularity. Not that they had cared that much about popularity itself anyway. Not really.

Their working philosophy was quite easy to get. Give your best, create a fun place for everyone, not only the fans but also the staff and the producers. And of course don’t forget to have fun yourself. If you do what you love, others will love it too. That’s how simple it was – theoretically. Most of the time, they were able to live up to this philosophy, as a group as well as their individual selves. Even if things might be hard, difficult or exhausting sometimes, in the end they managed to remain true to it and leave with a smile for each other at the end of a working day. This was a treasure and being able to do this during what is probably the best time of their lives was priceless. So they wanted to give it their fullest, at least that’s what Nino thought.

But then, things started to change. Most likely, they started to change much earlier and he blamed himself for not seeing it coming. Maybe, he could have prevented Sho from freaking out.

On that day, they were sitting in the green room, having just finished some magazine shooting and waiting for the individual interviews to take place. Things were just normal. Nino, settled in between Ohno to his right and Sho to his left, was playing his new game. The sound of his Nintendo DS turned to mute as to not annoy the others. Aiba and Jun were chatting about a recent fashion trend that Nino didn’t really care about. While their leader was taking the chance for a short nap, his head dropped back onto a pillow he recently had started to bring along everywhere, Sho had his countless newspapers lined up on the low table in front of him. This was what he always did, preparing for his newscaster job for News ZERO. He read various newspapers and from time to time he would let drop a headline he found interesting, earning short reactions from the other members, which sometimes would turn into more or less meaningful conversations. But this time, he was acting a bit strange.

Nino was watching him from out of the corner of his eye, feeling a bit irritated by Sho’s nervous shifting and his frowned forehead. Was this just because of the bad news that filled the world each and every day? Sho should have gotten used to that by now, he had learned to build up the necessary amount of consternation and distance to handle such news, something that Nino deeply admired. So what could it be?

Finally, Sho sighed deeply and he leaned against the couch’s back rest, crossing his arms, before he finally started to talk.

“’Together Forever – Arashi’s Past, Present and Future’,” he quoted one of the headlines. “’Arashi - The Bounds of Five – Co-workers, Friends and Family in One’, what the hell is this all about?!” he asked no one in particular, but obviously bothered by something.

“Hm?” Nino turned at him with a questioning look. “What is it Sho-chan? Something about that is bugging you?”

“You bet! Wait, there is more,” he leaned forward again, freeing one hand from his crossed arms and pointing at another headline. “’Friendship – Arashi’s Secret Recipe for Success?’ or this one: “’Arashi creates new Trend in the Idol Business – Getting along instead of Rivalry among Group Members’ - isn’t it horrible?” he made a disgusted face.

The other members – including Ohno who had woken up from the tumult in the meantime – stared at him, frowning. Something was odd.

“I don’t get your point,” Nino was the first to answer, pausing his game.

“Can’t you see it? They are using our friendship as our main selling point.”

“And this is a problem because…”

“They write about it as if it was the only thing that represents us. As if Arashi is all about getting along well. Love and Peace, you see? How cliché is that?” Sho looked at a photograph of the five of them standing on stage with wide smiles, settling their arms around each other’s shoulders and pouted.

“But we do get along, don’t we?” Aiba asked and Nino and Jun hummed approvingly, while Ohno nodded his head, yawning tiredly. “It’s not like those papers are lying.”

“No, but that’s not what should be our main selling point, don’t you agree?” Sho pointed onto the newspapers, enforcing his statement.

“Then, what should be our selling point, Sho?” Jun asked, getting more interested in the conversation.

“Our abilities, our talents. Singing, dancing, acting, songwriting.”

“I’m pretty sure that each of us has enough talent to get recognized for that,” Nino chimed in. “But in first place, we’re idols, aren’t we? Selling dreams to our fans, doing stuff that makes people happy. It’s not particularly about “talent”, I fear.”

“Don’t you have any pride in your work?” Sho looked around, the other members facing him confused. “Nino?”

“Of course, we do,” Nino answered. “At least, I’m proud of being Arashi’s best actor,” he added, sticking out his tongue a bit, trying to brighten the suddenly strange atmosphere. But Sho just looked at him and then got distracted by Aiba who snatched one of the newspapers to take a closer look at the article.

“You’re not taking this serious,” Sho pouted. “You don’t get what I mean.”

“Why is it so important to you?” Aiba then asked. “They tell just positive stuff about us and if it helps our image, why not be happy about it?”

“That’s the point, if this is what’s boosting our image, I feel ashamed. I want to be recognized for our achievements and not for what might or might not take place in our green room.”

“Sho, you’re being ridiculous, you know that?” that was Jun.

“I’m not. I mean, it’s not true that we never fight-“

“But we almost never fight,” Nino murmured.

“- Or,” Sho continued, “that we hang out together in private as if we didn’t have any other friends, this just creates a wrong image. And don’t you want to prove that our singing and dancing abilities are enough to make good idols out of us?”

“Good idols, what are good idols anyway?” Jun questioned. “Nino said it before and I personally think that being on good terms indeed helps to make a good idol group out of us, like this we can work in harmony and can provide a good result to our fans. Who cares if the image they get from us isn’t 100% true? It’s an image after all.”

“I’ll prove you that we don’t need this whole ‘getting along’ thing to be successful,” Sho suddenly spoke up enthusiastically.

“What?!” Nino stared at him, shocked.

“We’ll limit our contact, we’ll stop sharing that much insight into our backstage material. We’ll show them that we are successful because we’re talented. We don’t need our friendship to prove that.”

Maybe, Nino interpreted too much from those words, but hearing them out of Sho’s mouth, that he didn’t need their friendship hurt. It hurt Nino more than he thought it would. Not only his pride got hurt but the whole image that he had about “friendship” suffered too from Sho’s strike. He just sat there on the couch, next to him, feeling this invisible wall that Sho had suddenly started building around himself, maybe right now during the conversation, maybe earlier. It frightened him.

“Well, I'm heading first to the interviews then,” Sho said when a staff member peaked in his head through the door to call them, one after another. “See you tomorrow for work.” Sho stood up and left the others who were just staring at him blankly.

“I… I don’t get it,” Aiba murmured confused.

“Sho, wait!” Nino jumped up, wanting to head after his friend – well, the one he thought should be his friend – but Jun gently grabbed his hand and held him back, slightly shaking his head and Sho was gone.

“Has he gone crazy?! Did... didn't he basically just say that Arashi should stop being friends?!” Nino yelled desperately, wanting to free himself from Jun’s grip.

It was Ohno who finally spoke up. “Don’t take it personal, just let him be, he’ll get back to senses and come back right away,” Arashi’s leader said, sighing as he scratched his forehead.

But Nino took it personal and Sho didn’t come back. Not that afternoon and he didn’t even show up early the next day when the group was supposed to meet in the dressing room before another variety show shooting.

Sho was on time, of course, he was never late, but it was somehow off since usually he was there early, reading his newspapers, chatting with the others when they showed up one after another, gently laughing along at Nino's stupid jokes, which he tended to make when it got boring. This time, Sho was just on time and there had been no chance at all to exchange a few private words with him. Nino had tried to approach him while Sho was getting styled but the older, unfolding a newspaper, had exclaimed that he was busy with reading and didn’t have time for chatting right now. The apologetic smile he flashed at Nino at that time felt off and Nino felt more like he had been made fun of. It made his heart cringe.

The situation continued over the next days. Sho had obviously distanced himself from the other members regarding their contact behind the camera. It felt strange, really strange. Each of them had tried once or twice to get in touch with him, to talk to him but honestly, there wasn't much to talk. At least, they didn't know how to breach the topic.

Though, Nino wondered, if he was the only one who felt desperate about the situation and didn't like it. Jun had been unnerved for two days because he thought that Sho was acting childish but after that seemed to have resigned with the situation. Ohno said that Sho was a grown-up man and that it was up to him how he wanted to spend his life. And Aiba simply hoped that Sho would change his mind and things would get back to normal. He didn't treat them badly, he just somehow... didn't see them that much and didn't communicate much.

Nino had tried a few times to call the other, but Sho didn't pick up or if he picked up he told his band mate that he was busy and would call back later – which he never did. Nino hated it.

*****

“I don’t get why this whole thing is bugging him so much,” Nino lamented, slumping onto the bar.

He and Aiba were sharing a few drinks in a discrete restaurant about two weeks later, the typical meeting point for celebrities from almost all the different branches in the entertainment industry, sports and the likes. Originally, they had wanted to eat yakiniku here but the separate booths were all filled at the moment and so they had decided to drink their first beer at the bar while waiting for an empty spot. Well, in Nino's case his second beer.

“What is his problem? Seriously. I thought we are friends! Is it that bad to be friends with us? Ne, Aiba-chan, did I do something wrong?” Nino finished his glass and bumped it onto the counter, calling for the barkeeper to get refills. He then focused onto Aiba again. “I know I’m not the best type of friend someone could wish for… I’m not the type to go and invite a bunch of people, I don’t pay the bills of outings, I don’t often invite people over, I don’t suggest going out since I prefer spending my days off all alone at home, I say mean things sometimes but…”

“Nino, no…”

“Gosh, I really suck as a friend, don’t I?” Nino stared at the wooden table in front of him, voicing one of his biggest secret doubts. “No wonder that he hates me…”

“Sho-chan doesn’t hate you, Nino.”

“He doesn't answer my calls. He doesn’t even reply to my messages! You know, I actually did invite him because I thought maybe he wanted to have a proper talk about what he said. But he didn’t react to it at all!”

“He’s surely just busy. Don’t worry so much, Nino.”

“But I do worry! No matter how busy he is, Sho-chan would always reply to our messages, right?”

“Well… true,” Aiba admitted, remembering the one time when he had sent out messages to his group members as some kind of “test” according to the instructions in a variety program and it was Sho who had replied first.

“You know what?” Nino continued whining, words after words spilling out of him. The beer definitely had broken the younger’s barricade that he used to build around him, to not let his emotions flow out, usually. “I thought, he’s my best friend and that I would understand him no matter what… and then he suddenly acts like a jerk and I don’t get him at all. Now, how wrong can someone be?”

Aiba could see the disappointment in his friend’s face and he wasn’t sure if it was just the light at the bar or if there were some tears shining in the other’s eyes. Usually, Nino showed a strong appearance, as if nothing could get him out of his inner balance. He used to play different roles for entertainment, depending on which side of him was needed for the specific moment. He had that special talent to grasp the situation and act accordingly, to fill in what was probably lacking, to balance everything. He was a master of wearing different masks, masks that portrayed parts of his character but also hid away a lot of his true self. He could be bratty, acting stingy, mean towards others but on the other side he was one of the friendliest persons ever, he was a positive thinker, had various talents and especially one thing, he was always a professional. When fellow celebrities or interviewers said that it was hard to grasp the real Ninomiya Kazunari, when fans exclaimed that they loved him especially because he was such a multilayer character, it wasn’t surprising. Aiba highly respected Nino for what he was and admired him deeply for being able to act so strong and well-adjusted, even if he and the other members knew that he could be pretty emotional too. It was seldom that Nino showed his vulnerable side but when he was among Arashi in private, especially when he was drunk, sometimes he let go of his composure and glimpses of the fragile side of his personality could be seen too. Just like right now.

Desperately, Aiba searched for some words to cheer Nino up, he couldn’t stand it if his friend was sad. But he wasn’t that good with comforting people either, tending to become too funny, too silly than it would be appropriate for such a serious situation. Bitterly, Aiba realized that usually, it was Sho who would come up with the right words to magically brighten the members’ moods when they were feeling down... how ironic.

Finally, the bar keeper bent over the counter. “You still want to get some yakiniku? Booth 2 just got vacant,” he announced to them with a smile.

Aiba nodded. “Ah yeah, sure. Thank you very much.”

He patted Nino’s shoulders and talked the other into getting up to switch to the private booth. Nino murmured something incomprehensible and grabbed the half empty beer from the counter, taking it with him as he followed Aiba tipsily, almost tripping over his own feet.

About half an hour later, the younger had already invaded Aiba’s personal space completely, sitting at his side of the table, leaning against the other’s side. Aiba was still eating the grilled meat while Nino had long finished his small portion, letting his friend do as he pleased, not thinking too much about it. It wasn’t that unusual that Nino became clingy when he was drunk, even if his “victims” were usually Sho or Ohno.

“Aiba-chan, kiss me,” the young man suddenly exclaimed, stretching his neck to look up to the other.

“What?” the other chuckled surprised as he gulped down a mouth full. Just a second later - he couldn’t even put down his beer - Nino pressed his lips against Aiba’s, snuggling close. The older was too shocked to react properly and as he felt the despair and sadness coming from his friend's action, he didn’t have the heart to move away and so he let it happen. He didn’t particularly answer the kiss but he didn’t dare to push the other away either.

“What’s that, Nino,” Aiba finally asked when the other broke the kiss again and looked at him. “Since when are we kissing?”

“You always kiss other members. It’s not that unusual.”

“It’s for fan service though. Not in private, Nino.”

“It's different anyway...,” Nino murmured with an absent look on his face.

“What do you mean?” Aiba frowned but his friend didn't react. “Nino?”

Nino looked at him as if he was getting pulled out of deep thoughts. “Ah... nothing. It's nothing.”

But there was something. Something that had just flashed up in Nino's memories. Maybe it had been a subconscious reaction that he had dug up this particular memory right now, just as subconsciously as he had compared it to what just had happened. A kiss that he had shared with Sho once, years ago, a small secret kiss Nino had stolen from the other behind some wooden huts as they had spent time together at a training camp. It wasn't that it had been something special, just a kiss out of adolescent curiosity, at least that had been as what Nino had brushed it off after surprising Sho with his gesture. Sho, his secret little crush from his teenage days...

“You're sure?”

“… However, I’m sad, comfort me,” the younger pouted, trying to brush away that old memory.

He sneaked closer again, even if his lips didn't even dare to get near Aiba's again. He tried to ignore this deep sadness in his heart that he had managed to numb with the beer thoughout the evening, reaching out to empty his glass. No, it had been nothing special...

“I can’t believe that I am the one saying this but I think you had enough beer for tonight. I’ll finish up here and then we go home, alright?”

“Will you comfort me at home, Maa-chan?” Nino asked, his arm linking with Aiba’s and he let himself sink deeper, his cheek pressed against the other’s arm.

“Yeah, yeah…,” Aiba just answered, knowing that Nino was just talking cheekily and reached out for the last few pieces of meat, looking compassionately when he felt the figure of the other pressing against him heavily, realizing that Nino had fallen asleep.

*****

Not knowing about the presence of his band mates, Sho was sitting in the very same restaurant this evening, meeting up with some of his closest friends, actor Tsumabuki Satoshi and fellow idol Kato Shigeaki from NEWS.

“I saw Ninomiya and Aiba sitting at the bar, Sho, you should go say hello,” Tsumabuki said chuckling and pointed into the direction of the bar as he came back from the toilet. “Ninomiya looked pretty drunk already, if you ask me.”

Sho and Shige were discussing a few ideas for Shige’s new manuscript, who shared them enthusiastically with Sho, asking him for his opinion. Sho just exchanged a short look with Tsumabuki, ignoring his comment and took his chopsticks to reach out for another piece of meat, getting ready on the fire grill in the middle of the table. Tsumabuki gave his friend a slightly irritated look.

“...What?” Sho asked.

“Don’t you wanna go greet them?” his friend asked wondering, fishing for some meat too while Shige was refilling his glass of beer. “Did you have a fight or something?”

“No, not particularly,” Sho started. Anyway, why should people immediately assume that just because he didn’t jump up to go say “hello” to his band mates, they had a fight? “It’s just, I’m here with you guys tonight, that’s all. Let’s eat!”

“OK…,” Tsumabuki looked at Shige a bit helplessly, obviously not understanding his friend’s reaction but the black haired idol just shrugged his shoulders and focused onto eating again.

About forty minutes later when Sho went out of the booth to visit the toilet, he couldn’t prevent himself from checking the bar, his eyes searching for the two familiar figures, Tsumabuki had mentioned before. But he couldn’t see them. Maybe, they had already left the place, going on to another place for drinking. He just hoped, the two of them wouldn’t overdo it, he knew just too well that Aiba had a specific talent to make other people drunk, especially Nino who didn’t deal well with alcohol anyway. Sho remembered countless times at which he had prevented the younger from getting too drunk or had taken care of him afterwards when it was too late for doing that. When he came back from the toilet, Sho hesitated a bit. Was he too curious? He then turned to the bar, waiving at the bar keeper who quickly served the beer he was holding in his hands to its destined purchaser before he turned to Sho.

“Excuse me, is it true that Ninomiya and Aiba had been here?”

“Ah, yeah, they were sitting right here until... thirty minutes ago,” the barkeeper nodded.

“I see… so they left the place already?”

“No, no, they just moved to a booth to eat, the places were full before so they had been waiting. In case you want to drop by, it’s number 2.”

That was just 3 booths away from the one Sho was sharing with his friends...

“Alright, thank you very much.”

Passing through the corridor, Sho finally couldn’t resist the urge of checking on his friends. He was worried about Nino getting dead drunk and having a huge headache the following day (a day on which they would have filming and Nino surely would regret it) and so he stopped short in front of booth number 2. He hesitated for a short while but then, he silently knocked at the wooden frame of the sliding paper door and slid it open a few seconds later when no response seemed to come. The picture he saw though, didn’t only explain why he didn’t hear any answer from inside, but also made him freeze in his movement. Nino and Aiba were sitting there, next to each other, their backs facing Sho and they were kissing.

Kissing.

Sho gaped at them, shocked, and immediately let the door slip close again, trying to not make too much noise so that they didn’t realize his presence. He quickly leaned against the paper door and reached his hand up to his heart which was suddenly pounding like crazy.

He wasn’t sure what to think or feel in this moment, of course, first of all there was the shock. Seeing two of his friends – band mates – kissing each other in private was definitely not what he had expected to find. What did it mean, were they together? If yes, since when? Nino never mentioned anything about liking Aiba that way, neither did Aiba the other way round. Though, neither of them shared much about their love lives usually, being either too secretive about it or too busy with work to think about something like love, anyway. Nevertheless... Why did Sho never notice anything?

Then, there was this prominent pierce right into his heart. He didn’t know what it was exactly, maybe because he somehow felt… left out? Not that he wanted to be in one of their pairs of shoes. Or did he?...

Nino’s image popped up his mind. Then the memory of Nino and him as teenagers, hiding behind a huge staple of wood at the back of a hut, talking about random things before the younger had leaned close and kissed Sho. Just out of curiosity, Nino had said back then while chuckling. Sho still could remember the bratty smirk on Nino's face. Was it just curiosity now too that made Nino kiss Aiba?

Quickly, Sho brushed his hand over his face, trying to chase the thought away. This was so confusing! In the end, the only thing he knew was that he didn’t like what he just saw. Not at all.

*****

Sho didn’t think that seeing Nino and Aiba kissing the previous evening would bug him that much but it did. Pretty much. He didn’t sleep much last night, tossing and turning as countless thoughts invaded his mind, keeping him awake. But that didn’t really make him understand his twisted feelings. Was he jealous? That would be the simplest explanation. Though, why should he get jealous when he saw two of his friends kissing? He should be mad at them because they obviously contradicted his efforts to prove that Arashi didn't need to be close to be popular. Was it possible that they wanted to boycott him? No, that was a stupid thought too...

Maybe, they had just been drunk. Didn’t Tsumabuki mention that Nino was already pretty drunk at the bar? And since Sho wasn’t there to control the alcohol consume of the younger, maybe he just drank too much and reached a new level of drunken touchiness?

Yeah, that was the most likely explanation (or the most stupid one ever), the man thought, trying to convince himself. If he had been there instead of Aiba, Nino might have kissed him… or not, because he wouldn’t have allowed the other to get drunk to such a level. It’s not like he wanted to get kissed by Nino again anyway. What the hell was he thinking?!

However, when Nino and Aiba arrived together at the green room the next day, giving the impression that they had left from the very same place (Nino's apartment? Aiba's apartment?) Sho had to admit, that he didn’t like that either. For a reason he couldn’t fully grasp yet, he hated seeing those two acting so close suddenly, even if they were friends since… forever. Nino obviously was suffering from a hangover, Sho thought, examining his tired look, the slightly too slow reactions and his frowned forehead that indicated a huge headache. Aiba had his arm around Nino’s shoulder when he guided him toward the couch and the two of them sat down in their usual spots.

“What’s up?” Sho couldn’t resist asking and glancing at Nino out of the corner of his eye.

“Eh? Ah, well… I might have overdone it a little yesterday.”

“Drank too much, huh?” Sho turned over the page of his newspaper, focusing his look onto a headline whose meaning his brain couldn’t process at the moment.

“Maybe...”

“Don’t worry, Sho-chan, I took Nino home and took care of him,” Aiba suddenly chimed into their conversation (was this even a proper conversation, Sho wondered) and the other couldn’t describe how much he wanted to mute his band mate right now. The image of his two friends kissing popped into his head again and suddenly, his thoughts got carried away, making him imagine what they could have done together after that. Did they kiss again? Maybe, did they go even further? Sho gulped down a heavy lump which was forming in his throat.

“I see… did you two have fun, then?” he asked, maybe a bit too coldly but just before one of them could answer, Jun showed up, coming back from the stylist and Sho took the chance. He stood up, folding his newspaper and excused himself for going next.

He could feel the surprised look on the faces of his band mates, but right now, he didn’t want to turn back. According to him, this conversation was over. Maybe, it had been better, if it had never took place.

*****

Nino was feeling bad all day long. Not only because of his damned hangover and his almost bursting head that he had to try to hide as best as he could while the cameras were rolling, but also because Sho had acted strangely toward him. Really strange, even compared to his actual generally strange behavior. For the whole filming of the two episodes of VS Arashi which was scheduled for this day, there wasn’t much interaction between the two of them either. Nino didn’t know how to approach Sho and Sho just played his hosting role perfectly, showing his widest smiles as well as his most dorky side during the games and obviously seemed to have the best time of his life. Just, he didn’t much interact with him or Aiba. It felt bad. And it hurt. Again.

When filming was over and the five members of Arashi headed back to their dressing room, Nino was strolling through the corridors following Aiba, Jun, and Ohno, when suddenly he felt a grip around his wrist. Pulled out of his thoughts, he whirled around confused and faced Sho who looked at him with a serious face.

“We need to talk,” was everything that Sho said in a low voice and Nino just let the other drag him into the next free room they could find.

Sho turned on the lights and closed the door behind them. A bit surprised, Nino just looked at him, immediately missing the warm feeling of Sho’s hand as the other let go his wrist.

“What is it?” Nino finally asked curiously, his heartbeat increasing.

Could it be that Sho was finally willing to talk to him about this whole friendship matter? Nino was definitely willing to talk about it, he didn’t like how things were going between them lately. He wanted them to go back to the time when they got along so well with each other, the time when they – at least like he thought – had been best friends. But Sho seemed to have something else in mind.

“I saw you,” the man stated bluntly, his arms folded in front of his chest.

“Saw me? What do you mean?” Nino asked puzzled.

“I saw you and Aiba at the yakiniku place yesterday.”

“Really? I didn’t know you were there too,” Nino said. “Why didn’t you say “hi”?”

Sho took a deep breath and rolled his eyes. Nino’s heart cringed at this irritating gesture.

“Well, when I was about to greet you, you were pretty busy, kissing each other, so I thought maybe I should not disturb.”

Nino could feel how his face went pale on an instant. “Oh…,” he stumbled and lifted his hand to scratch the back of his head. “You mean, you saw that.”

“Exactly.”

“Well…”

“What’s going on between you two? Are you two... dating? You know, if this comes out,...” Sho snapped at Nino, still facing him with his cold look and then, Nino had enough.

Sho was behaving strange. He was distancing himself from the whole group and now he stood there and demanded to know something personal like that? The hell?! Even if there had been nothing with Aiba except for that drunken kiss, Nino felt upset, upset that the one who excluded himself from his life over the last few weeks now had the nerves to ask him something that personal like that just because he feared that it could be bad for the group's reputation.

“I don’t know why this should concern you, Sho,” Nino answered almost as coldly as the other had talked to him before. He turned around and gave him a slight push against the arm to make him move away from the door so that he could get out.

“Why this should concern me?!”

“Yes, you don’t give a shit about us anyway, do you?” Nino asked, not sure if he could hide the pain
that was lying in his words.

“Nino…”

“We're just colleagues, aren't we? You wanted some distance? Then I don't think that it's appropriate for you to barge into my private life like this!” Nino exploded. “Now get out of my way.”

Nino smashed open the door right before Sho, and started to run. He ran through the corridors, not realizing if he even took the right way. He felt angry. Angry toward Sho for behaving in such a manner toward him. He felt angry at himself for being so annoyed because of that – maybe more than he should be – and he still felt this annoying headache. He just wanted to go home.

When he arrived at the dressing room, Aiba and Jun had already left, leaving to Ohno the task of wishing the others a good evening. Nino just answered Ohno’s message with a quick 'thanks' and a nod, changed in record time out of his show outfit into his jeans and shirt that he had already worn the previous day. Suddenly, he could smell the smoke of cigarettes, the prominent smell of the yakiniku he had grilled together with Aiba, he could smell the beer they drank and it made him feel even sicker.

He bid farewell to Ohno in order to leave before Sho showed up and somehow he managed to leave the building without meeting the other again. Relieved, Nino climbed into a taxi, telling the driver to go to his apartment. He tried to focus on something outside of the cab that could distract his stomach from feeling even worse than it already did. Just when he got out of the taxi, paying the driver, and grabbing his bag to head up the stairs to his apartment, it hit him.

Sho had talked to him today. Even if he had ignored him more or less during filming, except for the most necessary talking due to the flow of the conversations, he had talked to him. Two times. Compared to how little interest Sho had showed toward him or the other members during the last few weeks, this might even be something good.

Maybe this was just Nino’s own twisted logic but… at least, he had managed to get Sho’s attention by acting out of normal, he thought with a fast heartbeat blaring his ears.

*****

The idea of getting Sho's attention soon started spreading in Nino's brain like weeds. Somehow, he became obsessed by that idea, it was present most of the time when he wasn't busy with work, well, even during work. He tried to find a way to attract Sho's curiosity, to show off, to.... do anything to make Sho look in his direction. It worked, when Nino said something funny or mean during the varieties. At first it also worked when he acted getting close to Aiba. Sho would definitely look at them, Nino realized and he had to admit that he used that to his advantage and maybe acted a bit clingier toward Aiba than he usually would and, Nino also didn't particularly hold back with being touchy with other people either... people other than Sho at least.

Nevertheless, after a few weeks, this tactic didn’t seem to show any results any longer and Nino became depressed on the realization that he felt pretty clueless and didn’t know what else he could do. It wasn't like he wanted to make Sho jealous or something, was it? He just wanted Sho to look at him, to care. Care about whatever. Anything of a reaction by Sho was fine for Nino.

Sometimes, he wondered why he felt the craving for Sho's attention so strongly. He was still disappointed and angry with him but what was it that he really wanted? He didn't want revenge or anything. Basically, he just wanted his best friend back.

The relationship between Sho and the other members of Arashi – and especially between Sho and Nino - became really strange over the next few months, well, the next two years, to be true.

Nino tried a few other things to get back Sho’s attention. He smirked that one time when he managed to really shock Sho as he came into the Arashi green room, his hair suddenly dyed in platinum blonde. It was for a job of course, but why not use it for something personal too, Nino wondered. The other just gaped at him before he talked to him about the project with a mixture of admiration for his braveness and worry about how the fans might react to the sudden image change. Nino also closely followed Sho’s reaction on the spread rumors about a young celebrity being his girlfriend – which of course was not true since they were only acquaintances – or anything else in the media that concerned Nino. However, even if Sho showed some interest here and there, it was maybe not more than any other co-worker would do, Nino concluded disappointed.

He and Sho still fooled around with their infamous stupid dancing and breaking out of a group choreography on a random basis together in front of the camera or from time to time at concerts. Nino also shamelessly took the chance of providing some proper fan service for example in the PV of “Wild at Heart”. Not particularly for the fans though, but more for himself, to be close to Sho, lying there in that colorful box, his head in Sho's lap, drawing his attention toward him which – even if it was just for a while – worked at least.

Honestly, those were the moments that Nino enjoyed most, those were the moments when he felt thrown back into their early days, when things had been so exciting for their new group, about finding a place in the entertainment business together with his friends. Those were the moments when he felt most alive. But behind the stage and in private, there still wasn’t much contact between Sho and the members. Not more than what was necessary for communicating their schedules, some simple congratulations when it was one’s birthday, the highest of feelings a bit small talk about the weather of an upcoming solo project of a member, but that was pretty much it.

The thing was (Nino wasn’t even sure if it was a good thing or a bad one) that - despite the group had stopped sharing the behind the scenes making videos of their PVs, and didn’t include backstage material to their concert releases any longer, because Sho would be against it – their popularity didn’t fade away. With that, Sho’s theory had been proven right to some extent. Nonetheless, Sho hadn’t returned to his former self, or started getting closer to Nino and the others again, even if deep inside Nino had hoped for that to happen. Did this really mean that Sho didn’t need them and their friendship? Was it more convenient for him like this?

Jun said, that he didn’t care anymore. If Sho needed his private space, he would be the last one dragging him along for some drinks. And as long as Sho pulled himself together during work and it didn’t affect them negatively, he respected his decision. Ohno seemed to have similar thoughts. Aiba had already given up on trying to coax Sho out of his shell and Nino? Nino most of the time was just being silent, sitting there, observing the other, waiting for the miracle to happen, that Sho would start talking to them properly again or wishing he could bring up the courage to talk to him, but he couldn’t. Even if Sho was sitting on the couch right next to him, within reach, if Nino would just stretch out his hand and touch him with his fingers, it felt like Sho was far, far away. Nino missed him. He missed his best friend incredibly.

For some days, Nino didn’t feel like talking to anyone at all. He was simply curling up to himself and his games, sulking like a child who had a fight with his friend from kindergarten. In such moments, Nino wished that it would be as simple as that – a fight between children - because things would have been so much easier. As a child, you would know what you did wrong and how to fix it. If you pushed someone, causing him to fall, you would apologize and help him up again. If you broke someone’s favorite toy, you would apologize and give him a new toy. But when adults were fighting often it wasn’t that obvious and simple.

Nino still didn’t know what exactly he and the others did wrong, if they even did do something wrong. What did he do to Sho that the other didn’t want to be friends with him any longer? No matter how long and how often Nino cracked his brain over that question, he couldn’t find an answer and the only thing he found was an aching heart. And so, he couldn’t just go to Sho and apologize and make up that easily. Instead, as a result from the strange atmosphere, he didn’t know what to say to the other any longer.

At the end of such days when Nino hadn’t really talked to Sho or anything, he usually ended up either drinking with Aiba or Ohno – or both - in a bar near work, or alone in front of his couch at home, playing some games and drinking a couple of beers. One after another.

*****

“Hey, little brother,” Nino said amused, wearing his trademark smirk. He settled his arm around Nishikido Ryo's shoulder when he found the other by chance that evening, sipping a drink at the bar of an exquisite night club.

It was unusual that Nino felt the urge to go out but since he had grown bored drinking beer at home all alone and Aiba and Ohno didn’t have time to join him, he had thought that once in a while he could go on his own. It was pure coincidence that he met his kohai from Kanjani8 here and remembering that they didn't talk for a while, he suddenly felt the urge to chat with the other.

“Well, well, if this isn't Koichi-kun,” Ryo replied with a wide smile, picking up the reference for their co-starred dorama from years ago. “Are you here with your members?”

Nino took place on the high bar stool next to Ryo and waved to the bar keeper to order a drink. “No, I’m here all alone.”

“How rare to see you leaving the house, going out without them,” the other stated. “Did something come up?”

“I just feel like drinking,” Nino replied. “How about you?”

“Same, I guess.”

“I heard, drinking without company is the first sign of alcoholism.”

“Says the man who went out for drinks alone,” Ryo took another sip of his drink, eying Nino challengingly from the side.

“Well, not exactly, that’s the reason why I came here instead of drinking all alone at home. How pathetic would that be?” he chuckled and when the bar keeper brought him his drink, he reached out to clink glasses with his companion.

They talked about work, upcoming filming projects, singles, whatever came to mind and soon, Ryo invited Nino over to his place, a new apartment that he had moved to just a few days ago and that wasn’t far from the bar. Nino didn’t complain as Ryo paid for their drinks and followed him outside, strolling along the street, disguised a bit so that fans wouldn’t immediately spot them. They quickly arrived at the apartment complex and climbed the stairs to the second floor. Nino was quite amazed by the luxurious apartment and even more by Ryo’s well filled mini-bar in the living room. The younger took out a bottle of champagne and brought two glasses from the kitchen while Nino settled down on the couch.

“It’s such a rare occasion to drink with you, I thought this is worth celebrating,” Ryo smirked and handed Nino a full glass of champagne.

“I’m flattered,” Nino answered and for the second time this night they clinked glasses.

They talked for a while, drinking more glasses and diving into their joined memories of the drama set they shared and of other occasions when their two groups had been able to meet and work together. Nino remembered the time when Ryo was still part of NEWS and he and Sho visited one of their concerts, attending it as surprise guests and how much fun it was to go and see a concert of their co-workers. He and Sho had watched the concert from some special reserved seats, had sung along with them, had waved with penlights and fans with their kohai’s faces printed on them just like all the other fans did. It was a rare experience for both of them to see the other side of the stage and they had enjoyed it.

“Do you remember how you kissed my shoulder?” Ryo asked chuckling.

“Ah! That, right!” Nino laughed out loud. “You almost freaked out! And the audience too.”

“Well, it was strange!”

“Really? Didn’t you think it was cute?” the older made a girly gesture and winked at him.

“Maybe?” the other answered in a serious voice, his eyes glued on Nino. The other couldn’t help but realize that Ryo didn’t stop staring at him since he had entered that bar a few hours ago, maybe it was time for a bit fun.

“Do you think, I am cute, Ryo-chan?” Nino leaned a bit forward, deepening his flirting attempts.

He didn’t know where this suddenly came from. Nino usually didn’t flirt, at least not beyond the little fan service he provided for the cameras on stage or on TV programs if needed. He wasn’t the type to flirt and he wouldn’t even have thought about flirting with Ryo under normal circumstances. They weren’t even really friends. Nino saw him as his colleague, as a fellow idol, actor, and songwriter. They had shared some memories from their junior time but besides that, they didn’t really have much in common. Nevertheless, he craved for affection. Even if he knew that he craved for the affection of someone else rather than Ryo...

Maybe it was the alcohol that he had consumed already that confused him a little but suddenly, Nino’s memories seemed to overlap with things that never happened, maybe things that he had wanted to happen. He wasn’t there standing on stage, approaching Ryo from behind, kissing his shoulder teasingly. Rather, he was there dancing together with Sho like he sometimes did on stage when they enjoyed their time together. They were wearing private clothes and caps, Sho wore a NEWS’ band t-shirt, Nino carried a towel. They were standing close, Nino's arms on Sho’s shoulders, Sho’s on Nino’s hips. Nino thought about that one innocent kiss he had once stolen from Sho and his heartbeat was speeding up. This time it was Sho who suddenly leaned closer. His lips met Nino’s and Nino slowly closed his eyes, moaning voicelessly into this imaginary kiss…

When Nino opened his eyes again with the warm feeling of lips pressed against his own, he of course knew that it wasn’t Sho who kissed him. It was Ryo who was still sitting there right next to him on the couch, their half empty drinks in front of them on the low table.

“I always thought, you’re a real cutie, Senpai,” Ryo whispered into the other’s ear and Nino could feel the other’s hand slowly running up his thigh, getting nervous.

He was confused, his heartbeat was racing and he knew for sure now that this was not because of Ryo or the kiss they just shared, it was because he had imagined kissing Sho. It was just then, when he realized. Realized a feeling that he was sure that he did not just start carrying around yesterday, something that might have been obvious maybe if he hadn’t been so busy with being disappointed or angry at Sho. Maybe, Sho hadn't been just a little teenage crush.

Nino’s heart cringed at this sudden comprehension. He averted his eyes from Ryo, shifting a bit away from him, leaning forward to the low table to reach out for his drink, to grasp on something. He wanted to gulp down the rest of the alcohol but then he decided against it and put it back onto the table. He turned back to Ryo who looked at Nino a bit confused.

“Ryo, listen… I feel flattered, really but, I just realized that I can’t…. do this,” he said, giving the other an apologetic look.

“Can’t do this?” Ryo released a disbelieving chuckle. “You mean you can’t make out with me after you flirted with me so obviously?”

“I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that this was more than just a little joking...,” Nino said shyly.

“Don’t give me such lame excuses, Nino!” damned, Ryo sounded pretty angry. “You just switched your mind, didn’t you? What’s your problem, I’m not hot enough for you or what?!”

“That’s not what I mean, really,” Nino shook his head. “But I think I should better go home now. I’m sorry. Thanks for the drinks.”

With that, Nino got up, feeling his knees almost giving in again as he felt a bit dizzy from the alcohol consumption. Fortunately, he was still able to walk so he hurried to the apartment door, as fast as he could, sat down a bit clumsily in the entrance area to properly put on his shoes and then grabbed his jacket.

“Oh Nino, come on, you pussy!” Ryo exclaimed unnerved, he had followed Nino to the front door but the other just bowed slightly before leaving.

Downstairs Nino searched for a taxi and immediately drove to the apartment of one of his real friends, hoping that he might catch him still awake so that he at least wouldn’t get mad at him when Nino showed up at such a late hour.

“Oh-chan, I have a problem,” Nino immediately burst out as soon as the door opened.

A sleepy Ohno blinked at his friend, wondering. If he had counted with one of his band mates paying him a visit after midnight, he would have not bet on Nino. Or maybe, he had. “Do you finally admit your alcohol problem, Nino?” the other asked in a low voice, looking at his friend with concern after he quickly rubbed his tired eyes.

“What?! Do… do you think I have an alcohol problem?” Nino wasn’t even sure himself, to be honest.

“Nino, you show up in front of my apartment, at…,” he glanced at his watch. “2.30 am. You smell like alcohol and I’m sorry but you don’t look like you can actually walk straight any longer. And it’s not the first time you drank too much lately. It’s not a shame to admit it, you know? A lot of people –”

“I, no Oh-chan, I’m not here because I have an alcohol problem,” Nino negated before his friend cut him again, still talking in his usual calm voice.

“Admitting is the first step Nino. If you need help, I’m always there for you. And the others too!”

“Thanks, that’s really nice but that’s not what I’m talking about. Could you please just listen to me?”

“What is it, Nino?”

“Can I maybe… come in first? I feel dizzy…”

“Ah yeah, sure. Sorry. Come in. A glass of water?” Ohno asked as he left the door open for Nino to follow him inside. Nino nodded and after Ohno showed him to his sofa in the living room, the older hurried into the kitchen to get some water for his friend. “So, what’s troubling you?”

Nino thanked the other and took a sip of his water. He seemed to hesitate for a moment but then, he looked at Ohno with an earnest look.

“I miss Sho.”

“I know.”

“You know?” Maybe, Nino didn’t need to be so surprised.

“Everybody knows. Well… except Sho maybe, he’s still some kind of spacy or something like that, I think,” Ohno let his look slide through his living room, wondering.

Nino didn’t answer.

“So you miss him?” the older picked up the topic again and Nino sighed heavily.

“Yeah… I – I really do. It’s, I don’t know, it’s like I can’t stand it any longer…”

“Why aren’t you in front of his apartment right now then?”

“I can’t go to him!” Nino suddenly panicked. He looked at his friend, his eyes widened, “He wouldn’t let me in! And I – I think I would do something really stupid if I saw him tonight...”

Ohno frowned. “What do you mean, something stupid?”

Nino bit his lower lip and lowered his look. “I think… I would kiss him,” he said whispering.

“Really?” Ohno didn’t sound as surprised as Nino thought he would.

“It’s just that I somehow dreamed that I’d kiss him, I imagined that I kissed him, you know? And I think if I had to face him now, I’d do it. I want to do it. What’s wrong with me?!” the younger was sounding desperate as he tried to explain himself.

“Oh Nino… There’s nothing wrong with you. It’s normal that you want to kiss the one you love,” Ohno said and looked at the other with a soothing smile. “You are in love with him after all, aren’t you?” he asked, just to confirm as Nino just stared at him blankly.

The younger then blushed deeply and averted his eyes again. “Well, I guess, I am. I can’t deny it. But… what am I supposed to do now?”

“Maybe you should tell him.”

“What?! Are you crazy?! Never!” Nino freaked out again.

“Should I tell him?” Ohno teased him, smirking.

“Don’t you dare!”

*****

“I heard, you're a good lay,” a voice remarked casually.

Nino looked up, confused. It was Jun who settled down in front of him in the green room a few days later, not looking at the other as he flipped through the pages of a fashion magazine. There was no one else there yet.

“Please what?!” Nino paused his game, giving his friend a puzzled stare.

“And that you're... loud,” Jun continued. “And that you're doing it for money.”

A disbelieving chuckle escaped Nino's lips. “Jun, what the hell?!”

Finally, the younger turned to face Nino with a serious look. “At least, that's what the rumors say.”

“Who said that?” somehow, Nino knew, and he didn't need to ask.

“Of course I know it's not true, well I don't know about the good lay and the being loud, but...,” Jun couldn't suppress a grin any longer, “...this doing it for money thing might affect your good reputation. Better hope that this rumor doesn't spread outside of the agency.”

“Come on, who would believe that I'm a prostitute? I earn more money than I could ever spend in my whole life, no need to sell myself even more as I am already doing as an idol...”

Honestly, it was something that he didn't see coming - Ryo's reaction (and it obviously was Ryo's doing) to his rejection from the other night. It seemed like Nino had hurt the other idol's pride. Badly. And so, Ryo had started to spread the rumor. The rumor that Nino had met a friend of Ryo in a bar (true so far, except that this particular friend had been Ryo himself), that that friend had paid for their drinks (well... it had been his offer, right?), that Nino had accepted his invitation to that friend's apartment (still true) and that Nino had seduced that friend shamelessly to get laid (so yes, here it’s where it started to become untrue). Well, at least, Ryo didn't claim that his friend had told him that Nino was a lousy lover. Nevertheless, this would definitely be the last time that Nino had drinks together with Ryo.

Usually, Nino wasn’t someone who believed in rumors. And all he could hope for now was that others didn't believe them either and people quickly found something else to talk about. Someone's new hair color for example or another girlfriend scandal. Nino didn't care too much, honestly. What he did care about though was Sho's reaction to the whole thing. And judging from the looks the other started giving him (even if Nino wasn't sure yet if it was concern, disgust or just curiosity), he was satisfied. Yes, this was how much of a pathetic and despicable person he had become, the young man thought one day as he was taking a shower, suddenly turning the hot water to cold, as if he wanted to punish himself for something.


Part 2