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ninoexchange2012-06-22 09:27 pm
nino-mod.livejournal.com) wrote in ninoexchange2012-06-22 09:27 pm
Entry tags:
fic for ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
alphie_damiek
For: alphie_damiek
From:ylunio
Title: It happens every time
Pairing: Ohmiya
Rating: R
Warnings: None
Summary: And his hand was shaking. Every single finger was shaking.
Note: I really want to thank my beta-reader for being the amazing person she is. She helped me a lot with this fic and I can’t thank her enough. And I also want to say that taking part to this Exchange was an amazing experience so thank younino_mod and I hope that alphie_damiek will be satisfied by this fic. It was great writing for her. I tried my best. Thank you :) ..oh, and also Happy Birthday Kazu :)
1997
Nino cracked an eye open and closed it immediately. He didn’t like what he saw and thought, if he didn’t look, the room, the nurses, and the doctors would disappear. But they didn’t. A woman came closer to his bed and checked the drip attached to his right arm. A man asked him how he was feeling.
Nino opened his eyes again. “It hurts,” he said. He tried to move his fingers but it hurt more.
“We will give you more painkillers. But the surgery went fine. You can go home in a few hours.”
“Where is my mom?” Nino hated himself because his voice was so weak and he felt weaker. “Will I be able to…?”
A nurse stroked his hair gently and Nino felt like crying, maybe he was crying already. “Of course you will. Do your best during the rehabilitation period and you’ll be perfectly fine.”
Nino didn’t have to be a doctor to know that it was a lie.
-
That night Nino called Ohno.
Ohno was in Kyoto. Ohno wasn’t with the other Juniors when Nino fell and broke his left hand. Every single little bone of his left hand.
Doctors said that their name was metacarpal bones. Nino tried to tell those words to Ohno on the phone, but he stumbled and fell silent.
Ohno didn’t push.
“Are you asleep?” Nino asked after a few moments. It wasn’t uncommon for Ohno to fall asleep while they talked on the phone, but Nino heard a sound and could picture Ohno shaking his head. “It’s okay if you want to sleep.”
“I’m not sleepy,” and then, “There are beautiful girls here. You should come.”
Nino chuckled. “Are you having fun?”
“Of course,” Ohno sounded a bit sleepy now. “I danced a lot. It’s amazing. You should come.”
“Do you miss me?” Nino felt something unpleasant crawl inside his chest. He closed his eyes, his hand trembled slightly as Ohno breathed deep and rough against his ear through the receiver.
“Good night, Nino.”
“Good night, Ohno-kun.”
-
1999
Eventually, Ohno came back to Tokyo.
Ohno and Nino were friends. People could say it just by watching.
Nino was close to Masaki because they used to ride the same train to go home, and the two helped each other a lot during their Junior years. They were practically stuck together with glue.
Nino was close to Jun, too. And to Toma.
But Ohno- Ohno was different.
So after one long and tiring day spent practicing, Nino waited for Ohno and dragged him into an empty room. He remained silent and shifted his weight from one foot to the other until Ohno took his left hand.
He touched it. “Is it ok? You hand…” he asked.
Nino nodded. “I’m just weak. See?” He tried to tighten his grip on Ohno’s slender fingers and he knew, by Ohno’s expression, that the older boy barely felt the pressure.
“Do you have problems with your chopsticks?”
“I don’t,” Nino said.
“And your guitar? Do you still play guitar, right?”
Nino felt the urge to laugh because there was something in the way Ohno spoke, in the way Ohno looked at his hand, that made him feel uncomfortable. “I’m fine. I really am. As I said, I’m just weak.”
Ohno fell silent, his hand in Nino’s. Nino forgot everything he wanted to say when Ohno brought Nino’s hand to his own mouth, then started to kiss and lick him slowly.
-
Inside a big hotel room, Nino stared at the ceiling. He was with Masaki, and Jun, and Sakurai Sho, and Ohno. They were together. They were Arashi now.
Ohno sat beside him and looked at him with a fake smug smile. Then he bent down and…
-
2012
“Are you ok?” Nino blinked a few times. “Nino?”
Nino pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. Sho’s face was close to his as he was looking at him with a worried expression.
“Yes, sorry.”
“Are you sure? You don’t space out like that usually.”
“I’m fine.” Nino stood from the couch inside Arashi’s green room and looked for the door. He was tired. There was no other reasonable explanation. He was tired and because of that, he let his mind roam free and allowed himself to think about something he was supposed to have forgotten already.
He worked alone with Sho for a photo session in the afternoon, but he spent half of the previous night and that entire morning filming for his new movie. Now he only wanted to go home, bathe, and play videogames until he was too sleepy to keep his eyes open.
When he tried to open the door of his apartment and his key slipped from his hand, Nino realized it. His fingers trembled. As soon as he saw his hand, it started to shake uncontrollably. Nino held his breath. He clenched his left fingers with his right hand, closed his eyes, and pressed his forehead against the door. Calm down. He thought. Calm down, you are just tired, Ninomiya.
The shaking stopped.
-
“Good morning.”
A very sleepy Ohno stepped inside Arashi’s green room the following day and fell on the couch where Nino was playing with his Nintendo DS. Nino didn’t look at him.
“Good morning, Satoshi-kun.” Sho tried to give Ohno a cup of coffee, but Ohno refused with a small gesture.
“Filming. Tired. Too long lines,” he muttered instead. Ohno moved until he sprawled on the couch, his head on Nino’s lap, his nose inches from Nino’s stomach.
Nino paused his game and looked down. Ohno was sleeping already. His breath was calm and deep, his mouth slightly parted.
“Are you watching Riida’s drama, Nino-chan?” Masaki put a finger between the pages of the script he was reading. “It’s really, really amazing!”
“I’m not,” Nino answered. His left hand trembled, but no one noticed. Nino clenched his teeth and restarted his game.
-
“Oh-chan,” Nino breathed hard against the skin of Ohno’s chest, mouth opened. His tongue was busy licking him and it savored the salty taste of the older man’s sweat.
Ohno stroked his hair and demanded more attention. Nino raised his head, searched almost blindly for Ohno’s lips and kissed him. Nino swallowed Ohno’s moans as he stroked and teased him; his right hand buried inside Ohno’s briefs. Nino’s left hand was stuck between their bodies, the quivering treacherous fingers clasped in a fist.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not again. Not after the last time. Nino swore it was the very last- in every sense of the word.
Not because Nino didn’t want this. Nino wanted this. Nino longed for this. But by having Ohno between his arms, by holding Ohno so tight, by letting Ohno making his way inside him and turning his whole word upside-down, he was actually loosing Ohno little by little. One hoarse breath and frantic thrust at the time.
-
“Your hand…” Nino was still breathing hard and Ohno was still buried deep inside him. Ohno was talking without looking at him, his face hidden on the pale crook of Nino’s neck. “…is trembling so much.”
It was true. Nino knew. His left hand rested there on Ohno’s shoulder, where there were probably red signs of bites and scratches. And his hand was shaking. Every single finger was shaking.
“Sorry.” Nino opened his eyes. Ohno’s weight on his lighter body wasn’t a burden. On the contrary, it was comfortable. In the mid light of a fading night, he could believe that it was almost right to stay like that, in the same bed. “It happens sometimes when I’m tired.”
Ohno remained silent. Nino knew he was thinking about something. He could almost see it, feel it, by the way Ohno tilted his head slightly and his brow furrowed, eyebrows tickling his collarbone.
“It’s because I’ve broken it,” Nino spoke again, trying to help Ohno to gather his thoughts.
“No,” Ohno whispered.
Nino chuckled. “No?”
“It happened before.”
“What?”
Ohno moved, not exactly rising his head, but slowly slid against Nino, and brushed his neck, jaw, and cheek until their faces were aligned, their forehead pressed together. Ohno’s eyes were closed. They remained like that for a moment, as motionless as Ohno’s lips. Then Ohno looked into Nino’s eyes and Nino held his breath. When Ohno spoke, Nino’s hand started to tremble even more.
-
1997
“Are you going to miss me?” Nino breathed on the skin of Ohno’s throat.
Ohno didn’t answer. Nino didn’t stop. “And what is this thing we are doing?”
“…don’t know,” Ohno closed his fingers in Nino’ hair and dragged him even closer.
They were alone inside an empty room of their agency. It was late and Nino knew that Masaki waited for him. Masaki waited and stood guard over the door because I just want to say goodbye without dozen of eyes looking at us, okay? Nino asked and since Masaki was his friend- his best friend, he had agreed to stay there, arms crossed, on the other side of the door.
Nino tilted his head, brushed Ohno’s face with his fingers, and took a deep breath. His eyelashes fluttered when he closed his eyes.
“Kazu,” Ohno whispered. Ohno’s voice was so warm that made Nino’s heart melt. “You don’t have to do that if you don’t…”
But Nino closed his mouth on Ohno’s anyway. He felt clumsy, stupid, and I so don’t know how to kiss, this is so damn embarrassing when his nose bumped against Ohno’s and their teeth almost collided.
Ohno didn’t laugh. Ohno didn’t make him feel ashamed. He cupped Nino’s face and Nino felt like melting again. Ohno’s touch was so sweet, caring, and he wasn’t sure to deserve it. “Here, like that…” Ohno murmured. And then Ohno kissed him.
Ohno’s mouth was like his words, like his hands. It welcomed Nino, guided him. His lips were soft and warm and Ohno pressed them gently on Nino’s- brushing, kissing. He bit Nino’s lower lip, he licked one corner of Nino’s mouth. Then Ohno looked for Nino’s tongue and Nino let him find it. When their mouths met, open, wet, eager, something inside Nino’s chest clenched, his heart started beating so fast it was unbearable. He felt his whole body tense, trying to grasp whatever was hidden in that kiss. His eyes were closed, but he was aware of everything- of every single detail of Ohno.
Nino’s left hand started shaking. Ohno looked for it and held it. He moved away and Nino knew that Ohno watched him. Ohno watched his face, his lips. But Nino kept his eyes closed, mouth open in frantic breathing, and Ohno kissed him again.
-
2012
“Did…” Nino’s words were stuck somewhere deep inside his throat. “…it happen?”
Ohno nodded. Their faces were still so close Nino couldn’t understand if what he was breathing was air or just Ohno’s breath. “I thought about it. A lot. It happens every time.”
“Do you mean when we are together?” Ohno nodded again. “It happens when I’m alone, too.” Nino forced a smile, a laugh. “It’s because I’m tired and…” Nino was scared, so he pushed Ohno away with his trembling left hand and his right hand on Ohno’s chest, trying to create some distance, trying not to feel Ohno’s skin against his bare chest anymore. “…you are crushing me, Oh-chan.”
“Nino.”
“I’m serious. You are fat, old man. Move away or I’ll have to…”
“Kazu…”
Nino stopped and Ohno looked for his hands with his and just held them. They stayed still for a long time. Nino had to close his eyes and hide himself somewhere between Ohno’s neck and Ohno’s shoulder, his mouth stretched in a line, preventing himself from screaming, or just talking because talking was dangerous. Everything was so dangerous right now.
Ohno’s heartbeat, the way his eyes shone in the darkness while he looked at him just moments before, his voice, the way he called his name. Nino couldn’t stand it. It was too much.
“If you are uncomfortable with me, if you want to stop this thing between us once and for all…” Ohno said. “Tell me.”
“What the hell…” Nino whispered back. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Ohno sighed deeply. “I just don’t get it, Nino. People think I can understand you but really, I feel like I’m guessing most of the time. I’m so relieved when I’m right but sometimes I’m just so wrong and-” He shifted and Nino finally took a deep breath. Ohno’s weight wasn’t on him anymore. “…talk to me, please.”
Nino couldn’t, so he kissed him instead.
-
2004
“I’m not a child, Oh-chan.”
“Of course you are not.”
“And I’m serious when I say that I want you. I’m not drunk. This time, Oh-chan, I want-”
Ohno didn’t let him finish. He cupped his face and kissed him forcefully, and let his hands run under Nino’s clothes, searching his bare skin, pinching, stroking. “Ah… Kazu…”
-
2012
“…stop, please.” Ohno arched his back as Nino took him full into his mouth. Ohno tasted of the fruit-scented condom they used earlier and Ohno’s come.
Nino didn’t answer nor stop. He just relaxed his jaw, licked him, and let him slide deeper and deeper into his throat. It was suffocating, claustrophobic, and Nino almost panicked at the sensation of not being able to breathe. But he didn’t stop, not even when Ohno grabbed his hair and pulled him.
He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to let Ohno talk.
Nino started moving his head and his right hand up and down at the same pace, stroking and teasing Ohno’s cock until the older man stopped fighting and let go everything with shudders and moans. Nino closed his eyes and focused on the sensation of Ohno’s cock fidgeting inside his mouth, bumping against the back of his throat, sliding on his tongue, and stealing not only his breath but also his sanity away. It was comforting, somehow, to have Ohno like this, so helpless under the touch of his fingers and his mouth. Nino released him from his mouth slowly, licking him, tasting him. Nino then started nosing Ohno’s balls, still stroking him with his right hand, Nino’s thumb brushing Ohno’s damp slit.
Ohno breathed so hard, murmuring incoherency and Nino’s name, and Nino almost felt safe again when Ohno came into Nino’s hand and lips. A deep and dark sigh of lust ran through Ohno’s whole body, reached Nino’s cock, and made him shiver back.
Nino took Ohno’s cock into his mouth one last time, licking him.
Moments later, Nino got up and looked for his clothes. On the bed, Ohno breathed deeply, his mouth open, and eyes almost asleep.
“Nino,” Ohno called, his voice drowsy and tired.
Nino didn’t answer. He put his clothes on and left Ohno’s bedroom in a hurry. He couldn’t button his shirt because his left hand shook too much.
-
“Nino-chan, are you alright?”
Masaki opened the door of his apartment to find a not so good looking Nino staring at him with a blank expression. It was so late at night it was almost morning.
“Perfectly fine,” Nino smirked as Masaki moved back, dumbfounded. “I just need to borrow your shower.”
“What? Nino-chan, why…?”
But Nino didn’t let him finish. He forced his way through Masaki’s apartment, reached the bathroom, and locked himself inside. On the other side of the door, Masaki ruffled his hair and went back to sleep. After a while, he felt Nino’s bony frame slide beside him.
He didn’t ask and Nino didn’t speak. Masaki just hugged him and they both fell asleep in minutes.
-
Nino stepped inside Arashi’s green room with a huge fake smile on his face. He greeted Sho and Jun then let himself fall on the couch beside Ohno. Masaki looked at them for a moment.
Ohno stood. “Why are you pushing me away?”
Nino blinked and let go a small laugh. “What are you talking about?”
Nino barely registered Masaki’s movements out of the corner of his eye. The way Masaki looked at Sho and Jun then the way they both nodded and motioned to leave the room. Nino stopped them. “Where are you going?”
Jun sighed. “We have half an hour before the next appointment. The two of you…”
“You should talk, Nino. You and Satoshi-kun.” Sho said.
“We are perfectly fine, there is no need…”
“We are not,” Ohno’s voice was broken. “We are not fine. Kazu…”
Nino turned and Ohno was there, his face painted with sadness and misery as the older man looked at him. Nino’s left hand shook painfully, and when the others left them alone, Nino felt like screaming in frustration.
It was the end, he knew that. Their end. His and Ohno’s.
They were about to have that one conversation Nino tried to avoid for the last fifteen years: Nino telling Ohno that he loved him, so much it was unbearable, and Ohno telling Nino that he couldn’t love him back.
-
“I’m not avoiding you,” Nino said in a small voice. “I’m not pushing you away.”
“You are. You fled last night, as if I was dangerous or something.” Ohno let go a frustrated sigh. For a moment Nino regretted everything: their first kiss, the first time he asked Ohno to take him, even his own existence. All because of the way Ohno looked at him now.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Nino hoped for Ohno to believe him as he stood up and moved a single step forward, searching for Ohno’s hand.
Ohno let him find it and closed his fingers on Nino’s. “I know you don’t want to hurt me. But I don’t want to hurt you either, so…” Ohno took another deep breath and looked at Nino with pleading eyes. “…if you want to stop this, if you need to stop this, tell me and I’ll step back. I’ll…”
Ohno, Nino realized with amazement, was on the verge of crying, little quiet tears in the corners of his eyes. His hands, arms, and shoulders shook with violent choked back sobs. Nino felt like he was looking at Ohno for the first time and he couldn’t stand that sight, so Nino just hugged him. When he did, both of them shivered.
Something was wrong. So wrong. Something was different. Ohno wasn’t supposed to cry. Nino said it aloud.
Ohno let go a breathy laugh. “What am I supposed to do instead?”
“Kiss me,” Nino said. He had no idea where he found the strength to ask for it, but he was sick of running away. Somewhere deep inside his heart, he knew that this was the right thing to do. To end it the way it started fifteen years ago- with a kiss.
“Kazu,” Ohno whispered, but Nino didn’t let him finish. He closed his mouth on Ohno’s and kissed him. It was a soft caring kiss, of shy lips slightly parted, and ragged breath. This time Nino didn’t bother to hold his feelings back. He let them go, all of them, into that kiss. He hugged Ohno a little bit tighter and he let his right hand run along Ohno’s arm, up to his shoulder, where it tickled his neck and nape, and then rested it on his cheek.
When Nino moved away, Ohno brushed Nino’s lips with his own fingers. It was as if he was looking for something on their smooth, soft, wet surface. Ohno stilled for a moment. “Wait,” he said.
Nino nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Wait,” he said again. Nino realized that Ohno held his hand- his left shaking hand. It was a touch that looked like a caress, like a kiss, and like a hug. Nino’s fingers relaxed, little by little, until they stopped trembling and rested quietly into Ohno’s hand. “Why?”
Nino dared to say the truth as he whispered, “I love you.” His left hand twitched and Nino’s smiled at his own silliness. “I guess that’s the reason.”
Ohno stared at him in disbelief. “But it happened before. It happens every time.”
“Because I love you.” Nino almost shrugged, almost smirked. Because he had said it, he couldn’t- he wouldn’t take it back. “I loved you before. I love you now. I’ll always love you.”
Ohno’s eyes were clear now and Nino wasn’t feeling any anguish. For a moment Nino thought that it was okay like that. He confessed, Ohno knew, and they were still looking at each other. Ohno wasn’t pushing him away. Of course, Nino thought. Ohno wasn’t like him. Ohno was brave, caring, and not selfish.
Nino smiled hazily. Maybe things were really okay like that, maybe it was okay to be in love with Ohno.
“You are…” Ohno started, but he didn’t finish. He let go Nino’s hand and grabbed the front of his shirt.
Then Ohno kissed him.
This was unexpected at first, but it was also strangely normal. Ohno’s kiss changed gradually, like Nino’s kiss did before. It crushed every barrier, every coherency, every pretense Nino could still have.
Ohno’s kiss was like a wave. It started slowly, from somewhere between the sky and the sea, and fell on Nino with passion and warmth. Nino drowned in Ohno’s kiss and he didn’t ask to be saved, to be rescued. Ohno painted for him a perfect world of tenderness and affection.
“You are so stupid,” he breathed on his lips. They separated just a little bit, before they kissed again, and again, and again.
Nino realized, some time after his hand stopped shaking -possibly forever- and their kisses, that he was wrong about Ohno.
Ohno wasn’t brave. Ohno was scared, as scared as him.
And Nino realized another thing.
Ohno loved him back.
alphie_damiekFrom:
ylunioTitle: It happens every time
Pairing: Ohmiya
Rating: R
Warnings: None
Summary: And his hand was shaking. Every single finger was shaking.
Note: I really want to thank my beta-reader for being the amazing person she is. She helped me a lot with this fic and I can’t thank her enough. And I also want to say that taking part to this Exchange was an amazing experience so thank you
nino_mod and I hope that alphie_damiek will be satisfied by this fic. It was great writing for her. I tried my best. Thank you :) ..oh, and also Happy Birthday Kazu :)1997
Nino cracked an eye open and closed it immediately. He didn’t like what he saw and thought, if he didn’t look, the room, the nurses, and the doctors would disappear. But they didn’t. A woman came closer to his bed and checked the drip attached to his right arm. A man asked him how he was feeling.
Nino opened his eyes again. “It hurts,” he said. He tried to move his fingers but it hurt more.
“We will give you more painkillers. But the surgery went fine. You can go home in a few hours.”
“Where is my mom?” Nino hated himself because his voice was so weak and he felt weaker. “Will I be able to…?”
A nurse stroked his hair gently and Nino felt like crying, maybe he was crying already. “Of course you will. Do your best during the rehabilitation period and you’ll be perfectly fine.”
Nino didn’t have to be a doctor to know that it was a lie.
-
That night Nino called Ohno.
Ohno was in Kyoto. Ohno wasn’t with the other Juniors when Nino fell and broke his left hand. Every single little bone of his left hand.
Doctors said that their name was metacarpal bones. Nino tried to tell those words to Ohno on the phone, but he stumbled and fell silent.
Ohno didn’t push.
“Are you asleep?” Nino asked after a few moments. It wasn’t uncommon for Ohno to fall asleep while they talked on the phone, but Nino heard a sound and could picture Ohno shaking his head. “It’s okay if you want to sleep.”
“I’m not sleepy,” and then, “There are beautiful girls here. You should come.”
Nino chuckled. “Are you having fun?”
“Of course,” Ohno sounded a bit sleepy now. “I danced a lot. It’s amazing. You should come.”
“Do you miss me?” Nino felt something unpleasant crawl inside his chest. He closed his eyes, his hand trembled slightly as Ohno breathed deep and rough against his ear through the receiver.
“Good night, Nino.”
“Good night, Ohno-kun.”
-
1999
Eventually, Ohno came back to Tokyo.
Ohno and Nino were friends. People could say it just by watching.
Nino was close to Masaki because they used to ride the same train to go home, and the two helped each other a lot during their Junior years. They were practically stuck together with glue.
Nino was close to Jun, too. And to Toma.
But Ohno- Ohno was different.
So after one long and tiring day spent practicing, Nino waited for Ohno and dragged him into an empty room. He remained silent and shifted his weight from one foot to the other until Ohno took his left hand.
He touched it. “Is it ok? You hand…” he asked.
Nino nodded. “I’m just weak. See?” He tried to tighten his grip on Ohno’s slender fingers and he knew, by Ohno’s expression, that the older boy barely felt the pressure.
“Do you have problems with your chopsticks?”
“I don’t,” Nino said.
“And your guitar? Do you still play guitar, right?”
Nino felt the urge to laugh because there was something in the way Ohno spoke, in the way Ohno looked at his hand, that made him feel uncomfortable. “I’m fine. I really am. As I said, I’m just weak.”
Ohno fell silent, his hand in Nino’s. Nino forgot everything he wanted to say when Ohno brought Nino’s hand to his own mouth, then started to kiss and lick him slowly.
-
Inside a big hotel room, Nino stared at the ceiling. He was with Masaki, and Jun, and Sakurai Sho, and Ohno. They were together. They were Arashi now.
Ohno sat beside him and looked at him with a fake smug smile. Then he bent down and…
-
2012
“Are you ok?” Nino blinked a few times. “Nino?”
Nino pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. Sho’s face was close to his as he was looking at him with a worried expression.
“Yes, sorry.”
“Are you sure? You don’t space out like that usually.”
“I’m fine.” Nino stood from the couch inside Arashi’s green room and looked for the door. He was tired. There was no other reasonable explanation. He was tired and because of that, he let his mind roam free and allowed himself to think about something he was supposed to have forgotten already.
He worked alone with Sho for a photo session in the afternoon, but he spent half of the previous night and that entire morning filming for his new movie. Now he only wanted to go home, bathe, and play videogames until he was too sleepy to keep his eyes open.
When he tried to open the door of his apartment and his key slipped from his hand, Nino realized it. His fingers trembled. As soon as he saw his hand, it started to shake uncontrollably. Nino held his breath. He clenched his left fingers with his right hand, closed his eyes, and pressed his forehead against the door. Calm down. He thought. Calm down, you are just tired, Ninomiya.
The shaking stopped.
-
“Good morning.”
A very sleepy Ohno stepped inside Arashi’s green room the following day and fell on the couch where Nino was playing with his Nintendo DS. Nino didn’t look at him.
“Good morning, Satoshi-kun.” Sho tried to give Ohno a cup of coffee, but Ohno refused with a small gesture.
“Filming. Tired. Too long lines,” he muttered instead. Ohno moved until he sprawled on the couch, his head on Nino’s lap, his nose inches from Nino’s stomach.
Nino paused his game and looked down. Ohno was sleeping already. His breath was calm and deep, his mouth slightly parted.
“Are you watching Riida’s drama, Nino-chan?” Masaki put a finger between the pages of the script he was reading. “It’s really, really amazing!”
“I’m not,” Nino answered. His left hand trembled, but no one noticed. Nino clenched his teeth and restarted his game.
-
“Oh-chan,” Nino breathed hard against the skin of Ohno’s chest, mouth opened. His tongue was busy licking him and it savored the salty taste of the older man’s sweat.
Ohno stroked his hair and demanded more attention. Nino raised his head, searched almost blindly for Ohno’s lips and kissed him. Nino swallowed Ohno’s moans as he stroked and teased him; his right hand buried inside Ohno’s briefs. Nino’s left hand was stuck between their bodies, the quivering treacherous fingers clasped in a fist.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not again. Not after the last time. Nino swore it was the very last- in every sense of the word.
Not because Nino didn’t want this. Nino wanted this. Nino longed for this. But by having Ohno between his arms, by holding Ohno so tight, by letting Ohno making his way inside him and turning his whole word upside-down, he was actually loosing Ohno little by little. One hoarse breath and frantic thrust at the time.
-
“Your hand…” Nino was still breathing hard and Ohno was still buried deep inside him. Ohno was talking without looking at him, his face hidden on the pale crook of Nino’s neck. “…is trembling so much.”
It was true. Nino knew. His left hand rested there on Ohno’s shoulder, where there were probably red signs of bites and scratches. And his hand was shaking. Every single finger was shaking.
“Sorry.” Nino opened his eyes. Ohno’s weight on his lighter body wasn’t a burden. On the contrary, it was comfortable. In the mid light of a fading night, he could believe that it was almost right to stay like that, in the same bed. “It happens sometimes when I’m tired.”
Ohno remained silent. Nino knew he was thinking about something. He could almost see it, feel it, by the way Ohno tilted his head slightly and his brow furrowed, eyebrows tickling his collarbone.
“It’s because I’ve broken it,” Nino spoke again, trying to help Ohno to gather his thoughts.
“No,” Ohno whispered.
Nino chuckled. “No?”
“It happened before.”
“What?”
Ohno moved, not exactly rising his head, but slowly slid against Nino, and brushed his neck, jaw, and cheek until their faces were aligned, their forehead pressed together. Ohno’s eyes were closed. They remained like that for a moment, as motionless as Ohno’s lips. Then Ohno looked into Nino’s eyes and Nino held his breath. When Ohno spoke, Nino’s hand started to tremble even more.
-
1997
“Are you going to miss me?” Nino breathed on the skin of Ohno’s throat.
Ohno didn’t answer. Nino didn’t stop. “And what is this thing we are doing?”
“…don’t know,” Ohno closed his fingers in Nino’ hair and dragged him even closer.
They were alone inside an empty room of their agency. It was late and Nino knew that Masaki waited for him. Masaki waited and stood guard over the door because I just want to say goodbye without dozen of eyes looking at us, okay? Nino asked and since Masaki was his friend- his best friend, he had agreed to stay there, arms crossed, on the other side of the door.
Nino tilted his head, brushed Ohno’s face with his fingers, and took a deep breath. His eyelashes fluttered when he closed his eyes.
“Kazu,” Ohno whispered. Ohno’s voice was so warm that made Nino’s heart melt. “You don’t have to do that if you don’t…”
But Nino closed his mouth on Ohno’s anyway. He felt clumsy, stupid, and I so don’t know how to kiss, this is so damn embarrassing when his nose bumped against Ohno’s and their teeth almost collided.
Ohno didn’t laugh. Ohno didn’t make him feel ashamed. He cupped Nino’s face and Nino felt like melting again. Ohno’s touch was so sweet, caring, and he wasn’t sure to deserve it. “Here, like that…” Ohno murmured. And then Ohno kissed him.
Ohno’s mouth was like his words, like his hands. It welcomed Nino, guided him. His lips were soft and warm and Ohno pressed them gently on Nino’s- brushing, kissing. He bit Nino’s lower lip, he licked one corner of Nino’s mouth. Then Ohno looked for Nino’s tongue and Nino let him find it. When their mouths met, open, wet, eager, something inside Nino’s chest clenched, his heart started beating so fast it was unbearable. He felt his whole body tense, trying to grasp whatever was hidden in that kiss. His eyes were closed, but he was aware of everything- of every single detail of Ohno.
Nino’s left hand started shaking. Ohno looked for it and held it. He moved away and Nino knew that Ohno watched him. Ohno watched his face, his lips. But Nino kept his eyes closed, mouth open in frantic breathing, and Ohno kissed him again.
-
2012
“Did…” Nino’s words were stuck somewhere deep inside his throat. “…it happen?”
Ohno nodded. Their faces were still so close Nino couldn’t understand if what he was breathing was air or just Ohno’s breath. “I thought about it. A lot. It happens every time.”
“Do you mean when we are together?” Ohno nodded again. “It happens when I’m alone, too.” Nino forced a smile, a laugh. “It’s because I’m tired and…” Nino was scared, so he pushed Ohno away with his trembling left hand and his right hand on Ohno’s chest, trying to create some distance, trying not to feel Ohno’s skin against his bare chest anymore. “…you are crushing me, Oh-chan.”
“Nino.”
“I’m serious. You are fat, old man. Move away or I’ll have to…”
“Kazu…”
Nino stopped and Ohno looked for his hands with his and just held them. They stayed still for a long time. Nino had to close his eyes and hide himself somewhere between Ohno’s neck and Ohno’s shoulder, his mouth stretched in a line, preventing himself from screaming, or just talking because talking was dangerous. Everything was so dangerous right now.
Ohno’s heartbeat, the way his eyes shone in the darkness while he looked at him just moments before, his voice, the way he called his name. Nino couldn’t stand it. It was too much.
“If you are uncomfortable with me, if you want to stop this thing between us once and for all…” Ohno said. “Tell me.”
“What the hell…” Nino whispered back. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Ohno sighed deeply. “I just don’t get it, Nino. People think I can understand you but really, I feel like I’m guessing most of the time. I’m so relieved when I’m right but sometimes I’m just so wrong and-” He shifted and Nino finally took a deep breath. Ohno’s weight wasn’t on him anymore. “…talk to me, please.”
Nino couldn’t, so he kissed him instead.
-
2004
“I’m not a child, Oh-chan.”
“Of course you are not.”
“And I’m serious when I say that I want you. I’m not drunk. This time, Oh-chan, I want-”
Ohno didn’t let him finish. He cupped his face and kissed him forcefully, and let his hands run under Nino’s clothes, searching his bare skin, pinching, stroking. “Ah… Kazu…”
-
2012
“…stop, please.” Ohno arched his back as Nino took him full into his mouth. Ohno tasted of the fruit-scented condom they used earlier and Ohno’s come.
Nino didn’t answer nor stop. He just relaxed his jaw, licked him, and let him slide deeper and deeper into his throat. It was suffocating, claustrophobic, and Nino almost panicked at the sensation of not being able to breathe. But he didn’t stop, not even when Ohno grabbed his hair and pulled him.
He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to let Ohno talk.
Nino started moving his head and his right hand up and down at the same pace, stroking and teasing Ohno’s cock until the older man stopped fighting and let go everything with shudders and moans. Nino closed his eyes and focused on the sensation of Ohno’s cock fidgeting inside his mouth, bumping against the back of his throat, sliding on his tongue, and stealing not only his breath but also his sanity away. It was comforting, somehow, to have Ohno like this, so helpless under the touch of his fingers and his mouth. Nino released him from his mouth slowly, licking him, tasting him. Nino then started nosing Ohno’s balls, still stroking him with his right hand, Nino’s thumb brushing Ohno’s damp slit.
Ohno breathed so hard, murmuring incoherency and Nino’s name, and Nino almost felt safe again when Ohno came into Nino’s hand and lips. A deep and dark sigh of lust ran through Ohno’s whole body, reached Nino’s cock, and made him shiver back.
Nino took Ohno’s cock into his mouth one last time, licking him.
Moments later, Nino got up and looked for his clothes. On the bed, Ohno breathed deeply, his mouth open, and eyes almost asleep.
“Nino,” Ohno called, his voice drowsy and tired.
Nino didn’t answer. He put his clothes on and left Ohno’s bedroom in a hurry. He couldn’t button his shirt because his left hand shook too much.
-
“Nino-chan, are you alright?”
Masaki opened the door of his apartment to find a not so good looking Nino staring at him with a blank expression. It was so late at night it was almost morning.
“Perfectly fine,” Nino smirked as Masaki moved back, dumbfounded. “I just need to borrow your shower.”
“What? Nino-chan, why…?”
But Nino didn’t let him finish. He forced his way through Masaki’s apartment, reached the bathroom, and locked himself inside. On the other side of the door, Masaki ruffled his hair and went back to sleep. After a while, he felt Nino’s bony frame slide beside him.
He didn’t ask and Nino didn’t speak. Masaki just hugged him and they both fell asleep in minutes.
-
Nino stepped inside Arashi’s green room with a huge fake smile on his face. He greeted Sho and Jun then let himself fall on the couch beside Ohno. Masaki looked at them for a moment.
Ohno stood. “Why are you pushing me away?”
Nino blinked and let go a small laugh. “What are you talking about?”
Nino barely registered Masaki’s movements out of the corner of his eye. The way Masaki looked at Sho and Jun then the way they both nodded and motioned to leave the room. Nino stopped them. “Where are you going?”
Jun sighed. “We have half an hour before the next appointment. The two of you…”
“You should talk, Nino. You and Satoshi-kun.” Sho said.
“We are perfectly fine, there is no need…”
“We are not,” Ohno’s voice was broken. “We are not fine. Kazu…”
Nino turned and Ohno was there, his face painted with sadness and misery as the older man looked at him. Nino’s left hand shook painfully, and when the others left them alone, Nino felt like screaming in frustration.
It was the end, he knew that. Their end. His and Ohno’s.
They were about to have that one conversation Nino tried to avoid for the last fifteen years: Nino telling Ohno that he loved him, so much it was unbearable, and Ohno telling Nino that he couldn’t love him back.
-
“I’m not avoiding you,” Nino said in a small voice. “I’m not pushing you away.”
“You are. You fled last night, as if I was dangerous or something.” Ohno let go a frustrated sigh. For a moment Nino regretted everything: their first kiss, the first time he asked Ohno to take him, even his own existence. All because of the way Ohno looked at him now.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Nino hoped for Ohno to believe him as he stood up and moved a single step forward, searching for Ohno’s hand.
Ohno let him find it and closed his fingers on Nino’s. “I know you don’t want to hurt me. But I don’t want to hurt you either, so…” Ohno took another deep breath and looked at Nino with pleading eyes. “…if you want to stop this, if you need to stop this, tell me and I’ll step back. I’ll…”
Ohno, Nino realized with amazement, was on the verge of crying, little quiet tears in the corners of his eyes. His hands, arms, and shoulders shook with violent choked back sobs. Nino felt like he was looking at Ohno for the first time and he couldn’t stand that sight, so Nino just hugged him. When he did, both of them shivered.
Something was wrong. So wrong. Something was different. Ohno wasn’t supposed to cry. Nino said it aloud.
Ohno let go a breathy laugh. “What am I supposed to do instead?”
“Kiss me,” Nino said. He had no idea where he found the strength to ask for it, but he was sick of running away. Somewhere deep inside his heart, he knew that this was the right thing to do. To end it the way it started fifteen years ago- with a kiss.
“Kazu,” Ohno whispered, but Nino didn’t let him finish. He closed his mouth on Ohno’s and kissed him. It was a soft caring kiss, of shy lips slightly parted, and ragged breath. This time Nino didn’t bother to hold his feelings back. He let them go, all of them, into that kiss. He hugged Ohno a little bit tighter and he let his right hand run along Ohno’s arm, up to his shoulder, where it tickled his neck and nape, and then rested it on his cheek.
When Nino moved away, Ohno brushed Nino’s lips with his own fingers. It was as if he was looking for something on their smooth, soft, wet surface. Ohno stilled for a moment. “Wait,” he said.
Nino nodded. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Wait,” he said again. Nino realized that Ohno held his hand- his left shaking hand. It was a touch that looked like a caress, like a kiss, and like a hug. Nino’s fingers relaxed, little by little, until they stopped trembling and rested quietly into Ohno’s hand. “Why?”
Nino dared to say the truth as he whispered, “I love you.” His left hand twitched and Nino’s smiled at his own silliness. “I guess that’s the reason.”
Ohno stared at him in disbelief. “But it happened before. It happens every time.”
“Because I love you.” Nino almost shrugged, almost smirked. Because he had said it, he couldn’t- he wouldn’t take it back. “I loved you before. I love you now. I’ll always love you.”
Ohno’s eyes were clear now and Nino wasn’t feeling any anguish. For a moment Nino thought that it was okay like that. He confessed, Ohno knew, and they were still looking at each other. Ohno wasn’t pushing him away. Of course, Nino thought. Ohno wasn’t like him. Ohno was brave, caring, and not selfish.
Nino smiled hazily. Maybe things were really okay like that, maybe it was okay to be in love with Ohno.
“You are…” Ohno started, but he didn’t finish. He let go Nino’s hand and grabbed the front of his shirt.
Then Ohno kissed him.
This was unexpected at first, but it was also strangely normal. Ohno’s kiss changed gradually, like Nino’s kiss did before. It crushed every barrier, every coherency, every pretense Nino could still have.
Ohno’s kiss was like a wave. It started slowly, from somewhere between the sky and the sea, and fell on Nino with passion and warmth. Nino drowned in Ohno’s kiss and he didn’t ask to be saved, to be rescued. Ohno painted for him a perfect world of tenderness and affection.
“You are so stupid,” he breathed on his lips. They separated just a little bit, before they kissed again, and again, and again.
Nino realized, some time after his hand stopped shaking -possibly forever- and their kisses, that he was wrong about Ohno.
Ohno wasn’t brave. Ohno was scared, as scared as him.
And Nino realized another thing.
Ohno loved him back.